by Beth Flynn
“Well. I—I didn’t mean to. I happened to be wearing a ponytail that night, and the bandana went with my jeans and top, and I forgot it was a way for you to signal him.”
Carter looked at me sideways. “You are still the lousiest liar I know, Ginny.”
I looked at the ground. “Well, it doesn’t matter now why I wore it. I told you that day at the hospital it was a false alarm, and the kids and I aren’t in any danger. He can go away. And—and tell him he can absolve you from your duty. I won’t be sending any more signals. Ever.”
I thrust my chin in the air.
“If that’s what you really want, then I’ll get the message to him. But Gin, I’m here for one reason only. I’m here because I love you, and I know everybody has gone back to their lives. I really do just want to see if you want to take a walk with me. That’s all. No ulterior motives.”
She smiled at me. And after a few moments, I couldn’t help but smile back. Of course, that was why she was here. This was Carter.
She came inside and waited for me to put on my sneakers. I ran up the stairs. But as I did, I realized I still wondered one thing: why Grizz had made no effort to try to see me.
It was so unlike him and, after all, I had worn the bandana.
Chapter Forty-One
Grizz
2001, Fort Lauderdale
It was the hardest thing he’d done since telling her to marry Tommy all those years ago. Staying away from her was pure torture. Not knowing why she’d worn the bandana. Not knowing why she’d summoned him.
Carter couldn’t offer an explanation. She could only confirm that Ginny wasn’t in danger. He was relieved to know that, but still.
He had to let the weeks pass. Had to stay away. She was surrounded by too many people, too much activity. And who the fuck was that guy from the funeral?
Grizz had finally made himself known to Anthony Bear. After recovering from the shock of seeing his dead friend, and knowing better than to ask him the whys or hows of the situation, Anthony helped him settle back into society as James Kirkland. They both knew there were people out there living among society who were thought to be dead to the world, people who’d been murdered or died in accidents or disappeared and were presumed dead. Even people who’d been put to death. It wasn’t as hard as one might think. People didn’t recognize the dead among the living because they weren’t looking for them. The only exception, of course, was Elvis. And everybody knew he was really dead. Wasn’t he?
So that’s what he and Anthony decided would be best. At least for now, Grizz would live in plain sight as James Kirkland. But, hiding in plain sight didn't mean he would put himself out there. Grizz rarely left his house, but he needed to keep himself busy. Since Anthony had moved over to this coast, he'd disassociated himself with his West coast gang and appeared to be running a legitimate landscaping business. It would be on one of these crews where Grizz would find employment. Since Anthony didn't employ anyone from his past, there would be no chance of Grizz running into one of his or Anthony's old gang members. With his hair up beneath a baseball cap and dark sunglasses on most of the time, Grizz did his best to look like the guy next door. He’d even had some of his more memorable and identifiable tattoos changed while still in prison and in spite of the heat, even took to occasionally wearing long sleeve T-shirts in the hopes of drawing less attention to them.
He thought he’d hate it, being an average Joe, but he didn’t. Anthony put him on a small crew of barely-English-speaking hard workers. No punks. No troublemakers. Just decent, hardworking men trying to earn an honest living. Their small crew was always assigned to work on homes on several acres and far away from the bustling and crowded neighborhoods. Grizz put on his sunscreen, ball cap, and sunglasses and rode the mower most of the day. Since discovering his love of reading in prison, he always wore earphones and would listen to books on CD.
He avoided listening to his rock music. It got under his skin and would stir up old memories and make him anxious. For what, he wasn’t sure. He was already restless enough. Waiting. For her.
“His name is Alec Davis,” Anthony had told him one day. They were having lunch beneath the shade of a large tree. Anthony checked in daily with each of his crews, always making sure to show up on Grizz’s jobsites around lunchtime where they would set themselves apart from the rest of the workers and talk.
“Tommy made him a partner years ago. Can’t find anything on him, Grizz—err, James.”
Anthony didn’t have to call him James when they were alone, but he did it anyway to help retrain his mind so he didn’t slip up in the future.
“He’s legally separated and has sole custody of his kids. You saw them at the funeral. They’re close to Jason’s age. He has a decent amount of change in the bank, no debt, no vices that my guy could find.”
Anthony noticed the muscles in Grizz’s jaw tighten.
“Does he have a girlfriend?”
“No,” Anthony said, and quickly added, “And there’s no boyfriend, either. It’s just him and his boys. Like I said, he’s separated from his wife, but not divorced.”
“Handsome, devoted father, no problems with money, drugs, or anything else. Why do you suppose he doesn’t have a woman in his life?” Grizz’s irritation was starting to show. “And has he seen Ginny since the funeral?”
“Several times,” Anthony said. “Never alone, though. The kids are always with them. At least that’s what’s been reported back to me.”
Grizz knew why Alec didn’t have a girlfriend. He was interested in Ginny, and Grizz knew Anthony knew it, too, though Anthony would never voice it. He would put his friend’s mind at ease.
“Don’t worry, Bear,” Grizz said. “I’m not going to do anything stupid.” At least not yet. “Now. Tell me what the word on the street is about the guy who shot Tommy.”
Anthony explained how the police hadn’t found the man yet, but Anthony’s guys had. Grizz was surprised Blue hadn’t heard this and reported it back to his detective girlfriend. There should’ve been an arrest by now.
“Can’t say. I know Blue’s been trying to keep his nose clean. Your old crew’s been floundering a bit. Looking for someone to be in charge. Blue told me you gave him your permission to walk away before your execution. Maybe he doesn’t want to be involved. Last time I saw him, he told me something about Jan’s murder. Something you should know.”
Anthony explained the details of a conversation he’d had with Blue shortly after Jan’s body was found.
“Really?” Grizz asked, the dismay in his voice evident.
“Yeah, really.”
Grizz nodded. “Tell me about the guy who shot Tommy.”
Grizz listened without interrupting as Anthony explained that, too.
“So it wasn’t a hit? It was really a fucking random act of violence and Tommy was in the wrong place at the wrong time?”
“It wasn’t planned. It was a junkie looking for a fix. I’m sure of it. What do you want me to do with him?”
He didn’t have to ask Grizz this. He didn’t have to seek out a specific order, but respect from days gone by took precedence. This was still Grizz’s territory, whether he was alive to claim it or not.
“I can have it handled any way you want. Just say the word and it’ll be done.”
The old Grizz would’ve handled the man himself. The old Grizz wouldn’t have shown mercy. The old Grizz would’ve consoled himself with the fact that what Ginny didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
He asked himself what Ginny would want.
“Make sure the police find him and let them deal with him,” he told a stunned Anthony as he finished his sandwich in silence.
Then he stood up and headed for the lawnmower.
Anthony watched Grizz walk toward his mower, climb on, and ride away. Anthony had made an executive decision not to tell his old friend something else he’d heard. Not on the street, but from one of his own sons.
He knew if Grizz was going to survive in society
, he’d have to stay clean, and if Anthony told Grizz what he’d heard about what had been done to Mimi, it would only be a matter of time before things blew up and out of control. He needed to figure out a way to get Grizz out of South Florida and away from anything remotely connected to crime. Besides, the longer Grizz stayed around, whether hiding in plain sight or not, the odds would eventually be against him never being recognized.
Fuck. He hated complications. He looked at his watch, realized he was running late. He had to get home and shower so he could be at Daisy’s school for a parent-teacher conference. If he missed another one, Christy would read him the riot act.
Chapter Forty-Two
Ginny
2001, Fort Lauderdale
The weeks slowly turned into months, and before long we fell into our ordinary family routine. Well, as ordinary as it could be. I didn’t go back to work, but instead filled my days with attending every activity Mimi and Jason were involved in, as well as volunteering for different charitable organizations.
Alec suggested that if I was interested he would terminate the accountant they used at Dillon & Davis and I could immerse myself back in a job that I loved. Even though he meant well, I let him know I didn’t want a perfectly capable accountant to lose a source of income because of me. Besides, I needed to distance myself from Tommy’s work. It was too painful.
It was a Wednesday morning, and I stood now at the shooting range taking careful aim at the target. I fired off all twelve rounds, maintaining a two-inch grouping from a twenty-five-foot distance. I had to battle my inner demons that wanted to pretend I was aiming at Tommy’s murderer. They’d finally arrested the man responsible. Tommy’s murderer. The words just didn’t ring true. It still didn’t seem real, but I knew from the profound sense of grief I’d been living through with my children that it was all too real.
I ached for my husband, and I willed myself not to think about the man who’d stood behind me more than twenty years ago, his massive tattooed arms holding my hands steady, as I took my first shot.
Grizz.
I’d been to Carter’s house a few times since Tommy’s death. I always made sure I had one or both of the kids with me. Yes, it was nice that friends were stepping in and including them in family activities, but I made sure to spend as much time as possible with my children. I felt responsible for their healing and was noticing that I was healing, too. Helping at Carter’s was good for all of us. I especially enjoyed the physical exhaustion that came with attending to her zoo.
She caught me eyeing the garage one day as I pumped water into the horse’s trough. Jason had run into the house to use the bathroom. Mimi had to work that day and wasn’t with us.
Without looking at me, Carter said matter-of-factly, “He’s not there.”
“I didn’t think he was,” I said a little too quickly.
But I wasn’t being truthful. I’d wondered more than I cared to admit where Grizz had been living, though I tried not to think of Grizz, whether it was with anger or some other thing I wouldn’t allow myself to identify. It felt like a disloyalty to Tommy.
Neither one of us said anything, and my curiosity finally got the best of me.
“But he was there, though. Right? When he first came back?” I tried to act casual but I could feel my pulse quickening. Was it my unresolved anger? Or something else?
“No, Ginny. He didn’t stay here. I don’t know where he stayed.”
“Stayed? You mean, he’s gone?”
She stopped what she was doing and stared hard at me.
“You told me to tell him to go away. I sent him your message and haven’t heard from him since. I’m assuming he followed your wishes.”
I was a bit shocked. This certainly didn’t sound like the Grizz I’d known. He never did anything anybody told him.
I cocked my head. “Do you think he’s really gone, Carter?”
“Do you care?”
I caught myself then, whirled, and made a beeline toward her barn.
“Of course, I don’t care,” I called back over my shoulder.
I made sure I had my back to her as I charged off. I didn’t want her to read any doubt that may have been in my eyes. I didn’t want her to be able to see what may have been buried deep in my heart, especially if I couldn’t even see it or understand it myself.
**********
Two days later, I sat amongst the throng of other parents and friends watching Mimi perform at her piano recital. I told her she didn’t have to perform, but she was adamant that she wanted to do it for her father, and we both knew Tommy wouldn’t have wanted her to miss it. He was the one who’d originally encouraged her to take piano lessons. I’d tried to teach her how to play guitar, but she never quite took to it. Tommy had noticed her infatuation with the piano at our church and had a piano delivered to our home for Mimi’s eighth birthday.
After she finished and the applause came to a stop, she stood then and faced the audience.
“Mr. Dolan said I could play one more. This one is for my father. He loves this song, and he especially loves the end, the piano solo.”
She then played the piano piece at the end of “Layla,” by Derek and the Dominos. She played with a passion I’d never seen. The pounding of the keys resonated through the room, and before I knew it, it was over and the audience was standing, their applause becoming more and more frenzied before finally dying down. And I realized I’d been listening to it with warm and happy memories of Tommy. I wasn’t sobbing and falling apart.
Jason turned to me and beamed.
“Mimi’s right. That is one of Dad’s favorite songs!”
I loved how neither Mimi or Jason said it was one of Tommy’s favorite songs, or that it used to be one of Tommy’s favorites. Instead, they spoke in the present tense. They said it because they didn’t see their father as gone and out of our lives. They knew Tommy would always be with us.
I was finally healing. We were all healing.
Even before Tommy’s death I’d noticed Mimi suggested more and more that we spend time as a family with the Bears. I figured out pretty early on that she was doing her best to hide the fact that she was crushing hard on Christy and Anthony’s oldest son, eighteen-year-old Slade. The few times we did see them and Slade happened to join us, he seemed nice to Mimi, but I couldn’t tell if his politeness translated to interest.
I asked Christy about it.
“Do you think there’s something going on between Mimi and Slade?” I asked her one day over the phone.
“I’m not certain,” she said. “I haven’t heard anything from this end, but of course, he doesn’t live at home anymore, so I probably wouldn’t know. Have you asked her?”
“I have. Mimi said he was so nice to her at the hospital, and he always seems friendly the few times we’ve seen you guys, but she doesn’t know if he’s interested. I think she may be on the brink of a crush or something, Christy. I’m not sure how to handle it or if there’s anything that even needs handling. Would Christian know?”
I realized then how ridiculous I sounded. I might as well have been sitting at the sixth-grade lunch table passing notes.
“Well, if Christian knows anything about whether or not his brother has feelings for Mimi, I doubt he’d say. He’s just like his father used to be,” she said laughing. “He walks around with some kind of invisible chip on his shoulder hating everyone and everything. Makes me wonder if something like this can actually be in your genes.”
Our conversation went from Mimi’s possible crush to Christy’s own concerns about Christian. I couldn’t comment. I hadn’t seen Christian since that day at the hospital, and that was only briefly in the waiting room. He’d not come to the few gatherings we’d had since then.
A week later I noticed a change in Mimi’s attitude. I’d been right about her developing feelings toward Slade.
“And he turned you down?” I asked her.
We were in the kitchen making dinner together. Alec was bringing Jason back
from a carnival, and I’d invited him and his boys to have dinner with us.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” The disappointment was evident in her voice as she tossed a salad.
“Did he tell you he just didn’t have time or wasn’t interested?”
Mimi told me she’d texted Slade and asked if he had time if he could give her some driving lessons. She would be sixteen this year and would be able to get her license. I wasn’t looking forward to Mimi driving. The thought of getting her a car seemed like a huge undertaking. Not from a financial perspective, but from a personal one. I always thought Tommy would be taking her out to test-drive vehicles, not me.
“Well, first he seemed surprised I didn’t know how to drive. He asked me why I hadn’t taken Driver’s Ed. He felt bad when I told him I didn’t take it because Dad always told me he would teach me, but then of course, with you moving out last year and all the problems we were having, it never happened.”
She didn’t say this with any intention of blame or trying to make me feel guilty. She was just stating facts.
“Then he suggested maybe Christian could teach me. Christian!”
I looked over at her then and realized she was right. That was definitely Slade’s way of letting Mimi down. The words were out before I could stop them.
“Well, what’s wrong with asking Christian?”
She huffed out a breath. “I haven’t seen Christian since that day at the hospital, and God only knows how long it was before then. He just seems, I don’t know, he seems mad at someone. He kept looking at me that day with those icy blue eyes of his. He didn’t even say anything. Just sat there and stared.”
I couldn’t believe I was taking up for Christian, especially after what Christy had told me, but could not seem to help myself.
“Maybe he just needs a friend. You know, you used to be close when you were little. You used to play wedding with him.”
She rolled her eyes. “Ugh, Mom! Could you please not remind me of that? I was, what, maybe five years old?”
