by Beth Flynn
He hadn’t read too much the one and only time he’d picked it up. He was getting tired, and Monday morning would be here soon. Maybe he’d read just a little more.
**********
Moe’s Diary, 1975
Dear Elizabeth,
I can’t believe he’s still acting as if nothing happened between us. I know he told me that same night that it probably shouldn’t have happened, that I shouldn’t read anything into it, but I know it was more. I’ve never had a man make love to me. Men screw me. Even Fess tries to act like it’s more special than just a lay, but I know what I am. I like Fess and care about him. But I don’t love him.
It was different with Grunt. I know he was upset when he got back from the beach with Sarah Jo and figured out what Kit and Grizz were doing in Number Four. I saw him walk back to his room with his head down. I’d thought maybe I would show him some of my latest sketches. He seems to like them, and I like hearing I have talent. I took some of my drawings to his unit, and he acted nice, but I could tell his mind was on other things. He was thinking about her. I decided to leave and thought maybe I would just give him a hug. He held me longer than he ever had before, and when I looked up to see if he was okay, he kissed my forehead. Then he kissed my temple. Before I knew what was happening, he was kissing my neck. I closed my eyes and let myself enjoy it. He made his way down my body, and next thing I knew, we were undressed and in his bed.
If he didn’t care and was just trying to get off, it would’ve been quick. But it wasn’t. He really took his time with me, and it was so beautiful I almost cried a few times. I’d never had that feeling before. I know when a man gets his rocks off, but I never knew a woman could do that, too. Grunt made me feel things I never felt. Things I want to keep feeling, but he told me he was sorry that it happened and couldn’t happen again. That he didn’t want it to ruin our friendship, and that my friendship was very important to him.
I know he has feelings for her, but she doesn’t love him. She doesn’t care about him the way I do. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.
**********
So Moe had feelings for Tommy. Grizz wasn’t surprised by this. Other than Fess and Ginny, Tommy was the only person who’d ever shown any kindness to Moe. And now knowing they’d had a night of passion only confirmed what he’d already learned in the back of that pool supply store in Tallahassee. Moe was the insider at the motel. Between her love for Tommy and her hatred of him, having Ginny gone would’ve served two purposes.
His jaw tightened as he finally came to the part where Moe had unwittingly helped set up Ginny’s rape and almost murder. He believed what he was reading. That Moe hadn’t intended for it to go that far, but that fucking bitch, Willow, posing as someone named Wendy, had tricked her. And Ginny had paid the price. Well, he’d made sure Willow and her brainless boyfriend paid the ultimate price. He may have had some regrets about his criminal past, but he never had any regrets for something he’d done in retaliation for anything directed at Ginny. Willow’s last words to Moe mocked him and clawed at his subconscious as he fell into a restless sleep that night. “It’ll be tit for tat…it’ll be tit for tat.”
He had angry and violent dreams that night. Dreams of being helpless. Even though he hadn’t witnessed it, he relived Ginny’s torture and rape by a man in a black ski mask. He dreamed he was strapped to the gurney in the execution room, and he could see Ginny through the glass window. Except he wasn’t seeing her calmly sitting with the rest of the spectators. He was seeing their bedroom in the motel. The man with the black ski mask had just finished raping and beating Ginny and she laid there, her face bloated and swollen. A trickle of blood flowed from her left nostril and ear. The man placed his ear to Ginny’s chest to see if she had a heartbeat and, satisfied that he’d killed her, he slowly climbed off the bed.
Grizz watched in a helpless dream-state as the man stood and looked around the motel room, searching for something to steal. He noticed Gwinny jump up on the bed and gently approach Ginny. She started licking Ginny’s face. Grizz watched the man grab Gwinny and kill her. He then tucked the black cat beneath the covers next to Ginny. It was intended as a sadistic surprise for the person who’d eventually find Ginny’s body.
Then he watched the man take off his ski mask. Even in the depths of so dark a dream, Grizz felt his heartbeat quicken. He wasn’t looking at Ginny’s rapist.
He was looking at her then-best friend. He was looking at Sarah Jo.
Chapter Fifty
Ginny
2001, Fort Lauderdale
I don’t know how many times that week I picked up the business card that Grizz had given me and just stared at it. I threw it in the garbage at least three times, only to find myself digging it out and wiping off strawberry and coffee stains along with a myriad of other nastiness. I didn’t have to keep it. I’d stared at it so many times that I’d subconsciously memorized the address Grizz had written on the back. I knew the subdivision. I didn’t know anyone who lived there, but I’d passed it enough when visiting clients who lived or worked in that area. Of course, since I no longer had any clients, I had no reason to be over that way.
After walking Grizz out to his car that day, I went back into the house to talk to Mimi. We left Jason, who was absorbed in his video game, and went into Tommy’s office, shutting the door behind us.
Mimi explained everything. The disappointment of Slade’s second rejection. The uncomfortable ride home with Christian. Trying to find me and ultimately running into Grizz at the grocery store.
“And you just knew it was him and walked right up to him?”
“He looked like an older version of that first picture I’d seen. You know, the one with the long hair. Maybe I wanted it to be him, Mom. I don’t know. When he didn’t deny who he was, I was more curious than anything.”
“But, Mimi, you climbed into a car with a stranger!”
“Yeah, I already got an earful from him for doing that,” she said sheepishly.
That was something Grizz would’ve done. Reprimand the child he hadn’t raised. As upset as I was, I felt a small smile trying to find its way to my lips, but I fought it.
Mimi explained that he’d been forthright and truthful. She’d even tested him by asking him things she already knew about. He didn’t lie to her. Not once. Hmph.
“Well, I hope you know I’m forbidding you to ever see him again. Never, Mimi. He is not welcome in our home or in our lives.”
She looked at me. “I know, Mom. He told me you would be mad and not to try and get in touch with him or try to see him again. He wouldn’t tell me where he was staying or anything. I could’ve tried to do a search on his name and license plate, but I’m not stupid. It’s probably registered to a phony address.”
My insides began to churn. “So he told you I’d be mad and not let you see him? He forbade you first?”
Mimi looked at me sideways with a curious expression on her face. “Mom, are you actually mad because he agreed with you, or are you mad because he told me first?”
I ran my hand through my hair and huffed out a breath. “I’m not mad. I’m just upset that he thinks he can show back up and get his hands into things he has no right to!”
My daughter just looked at me. I could tell she was trying to figure out what my feelings were for her biological father. Well, if she does figure them out, I hope she’ll tell me what they are.
**********
The following week dragged. I had a lunch date with Alec down at a popular restaurant on the Intracoastal. We walked along the docks afterward. The sun was bright, and he grabbed my hand to steer me toward a little kiosk that sold visors. After buying me one, he casually retrieved my hand for the rest of the walk. It wasn’t as hard or awkward as I thought it might be. It was very comfortable, and I convinced myself I liked the feathery kiss he placed on the side of my mouth after he escorted me to my car.
Now I was on my way home and letting myself wonder what it would’ve been like if he’d kis
sed me on the lips. Could I see myself kissing Alec back? Could I picture myself enjoying it? I raised my hand to the spot he kissed, letting my fingers mimic his mouth.
My ringing cell phone interrupted my daydream. Sarah Jo, calling to catch up and apologize for not being around the last several months.
“I’m sorry, Gin.” Her voice was quiet. I hadn’t seen her after the couple of weeks that followed the funeral. “I don’t know what to say. It might sound awful, but I’ve been dealing with Tommy’s loss, too, and well, being around you was just too painful.”
Relief washed over me. I think deep down I’d been wondering if it was something else. Something more.
“I understand completely, Jo. Please—don’t feel bad.” And I meant it.
I remembered that awful day at the hospital when I fell apart at Sarah Jo’s arrival. I was certain I wouldn’t be able to get through that awful time without her, but oddly enough, I had. Everybody grieved in their own way, and I understood her need to stay away. The truth was I had become accustomed to not seeing much of her, and if I was being honest with myself, I hadn’t noticed her absence. I missed our friendship, but not as much as I probably should have. I couldn’t explain why.
We made a plan to meet for lunch the following week. I hung up the phone and realized I’d lost track of the time and my route home. I had just pulled into the subdivision of Laurel Falls. Grizz’s subdivision.
I slammed on the brakes, did a sharp U-turn in the middle of the road, and headed for home.
**********
Another week dragged, and with it my anxiety only increased. I just knew Grizz was going to show up again, and I found myself mentally rehearsing for the tongue-lashing he’d receive.
My lunch with Sarah Jo was pleasant, but something was off. I was certain it wasn’t her. It was me and my preoccupation with Grizz’s return.
Before I knew it, still another week had passed and there had been no sign of Grizz. He’s staying away. He got the message. Good.
But it didn’t help that Jason had asked about his father’s old friend, James Kirkland, more than once.
I’d seen Alec a couple more times in those weeks, and he didn’t hold my hand or give me a goodbye kiss like he had at the docks. As a matter of fact, he went back to being the perfect friend and if I hadn’t been so consumed by my angst over Grizz, I might’ve had my pride pricked or wondered if he was playing a game. He probably wondered the same about me.
I prayed for strength when I found my thoughts drifting to Grizz. I asked God to give me the grace to be able to forgive him for whatever anger and resentment I held onto. I needed the peace that only the Holy Spirit could give me.
I also found myself praying for the man I’d once been so in love with. I wanted him to find happiness. I wanted him to find God. And maybe, maybe buried deep down somewhere, I wanted him to find me and bring me back to the love I’d once felt. But it was just too late for that. At least that’s what I told myself.
I hadn’t let myself think about loving Grizz. It was easier to be mad, but it was also exhausting and so contrary to how I’d lived my life. Now I’d slip in and out of moods I wasn’t used to experiencing. I’d always been so confident in my thoughts and in my actions. As I realized my anger about Grizz and our past had finally started to wane, I discovered it was replaced with a new anger. One I couldn’t explain.
Grizz was following my orders. He was staying away from my church and my grocery store. He was staying away from my children and my home. He was staying away from me.
I convinced myself he was only keeping his distance to mess with my head. That it was all part of some big game he was playing to get me to go to him. Of course, this kind of behavior wasn’t anything like the Grizz I’d known—the man who never asked permission but did and took what he wanted. The man who ran over people and squished them like insects. The man who’d wanted me enough to risk losing it all by having me abducted back in 1975.
No. This wasn’t like Grizz at all.
It truly bothered me that I thought about him so much. I reasoned that I had to get this man out of my head and out of my life once and for all. I also knew I couldn’t go to him. I wouldn’t give in to what I thought was a mental game.
Whether imagined or real, it consumed me. No, I decided. I wouldn’t lose this one. I would never go to him.
Never.
Chapter Fifty-One
Ginny
2001, Fort Lauderdale
Two weeks later, I found myself standing at his front door mentally kicking myself in the butt for being so weak.
I’d purposely picked a day in the middle of the week and a time I knew he’d be at work. I just wanted to stand there. To see if I could pinpoint what I was feeling.
The emotional rollercoaster I’d been riding had been too much. I needed to resolve things in my head. I needed to see him. To confront my feelings. I couldn’t even identify what they were, but they were there. My heart insisted this was the only way to move on from Grizz. And that’s what I wanted, right?
I would come to learn my heart was even a worse liar than I was. I looked down at my feet and whispered, “You might’ve been right, Tommy.”
The sound of a low-flying plane overhead and the continuous droning of insects did little to distract me as I tried to imagine how I’d feel if he were actually at home. Would I be happy to see him? Would I be angry, mad, accusatory? Would I puff myself up as I convinced myself I was feeling righteous anger? God spoke to me then. Not out loud. I never hear an actual voice, but I do know when my thoughts are from Him.
I knew then that I would come back to talk to Grizz. For in the moment I heard God, I’d felt instant shame about the way I’d treated Grizz. I could convince myself all day long that I had a right to treat him the way I had, that he didn’t deserve my forgiveness. But even Jesus asked God to forgive those who were persecuting and torturing him. “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.”
At that moment, I knew I would be able to have a calm and adult discussion with Grizz, not one laced with an unforgiving attitude and resentment. Yes, I could and would forgive Grizz. I would come back and talk to him.
A peace fell over me then, and I turned my face heavenward.
“Thank you for the gift of knowing Your peace, Father. Thank you for showing me this in Your time,” I whispered.
Just then, the front door flew open and Grizz came barreling out, almost knocking me over. And just like that, my heart did a flip-flop.
“Kit...uh, Ginny!” He grabbed me roughly by my arms, his eyes wide with surprise. “I didn’t see you. What are you doing here, honey?”
I started to snap back at him and ask him what he was doing here—he was supposed to be at work! I caught myself just in time.
“I—I didn’t think you were here,” I stammered, staring into his warm, green eyes. “I was just—just trying to see what I was feeling. Kind of practicing to maybe, uh, have a conversation with you.”
He smiled. “I took today off. I have to go to the dentist. I have a tooth that’s killing me. But I’ll cancel the appointment.”
“Thought you didn’t have a phone.” I looked up at him. I wasn’t accusing, just curious.
“I didn’t. Bear gave me one after the last time I saw you so we could communicate for work. Like this morning, I called and told him I had to go to the dentist.”
I remembered how much Grizz had hated the dentist. He must be in some serious pain if he’d called a dentist. I didn’t want him to miss his appointment. I surprised myself by making an offer.
“Let me go with you.”
He looked a bit startled, and I could see him mentally calculating his options. Then he gave me a rueful smile.
“I’d rather invite you into my house, but it hurts bad enough that I’m going to take you up on your offer.”
He locked the deadbolt on his front door and aimed his clicker at the small, detached garage. Before he pressed the button, I said, “I’ll dr
ive you.”
Without giving him time to answer, I headed for my car and got in. He followed and clumsily climbed into the passenger side of my SUV. He was so big that it was awkward for him to settle in. He slid the seat way back so he could ride comfortably.
After telling me where the dentist was located, the car became silent. I decided to fill it with idle chit-chat—questions about his job on the landscaping crew, his neighbors, how he was settling in. I was surprised he’d met some of his neighbors.
“I don’t know the people on my left. Apparently, they only come down from up north in the winter. The couple across the street, can’t think of their names, are too busy with four kids to be friendly, which is fine with me. The family on the right came up from Miami. The parents don’t speak English. They have two kids. The boy is in high school, the daughter is in college. The daughter, Rosa, cleans my house once every two weeks. I think the family behind me just moved in from somewhere out west.”
I cast him a sidelong glance, and he quickly added, “I’m not invited to family barbecues or anything like that. I just try not to be too much of a standoffish prick. I’m the nice widower from up north who goes to work every day and minds his own business.”
“You’re a widower?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.
He then told me about the alias that had been created for him. His new identity came with a family history and all kinds of official documentation.
“Aren’t you tired of it, Grizz?” I blurted, then wanted to eat my words.
But he knew exactly what I was talking about. The aliases and name changes were tiresome. He answered without looking at me.
“More tired than you know, Kitten. And before you give me shit for calling you Kitten, it’s a habit and I’m working on it.”
“Jason wants me to invite you to the house for dinner.” It had started to rain, and I flicked on the windshield wipers.
