“Feels fine,” Ian said.
Macey grinned. “That’s interesting. People compare making a marrow donation to getting hit in the hip with a baseball bat, or having a really hard fall on the ice.”
“I feel fine,” Ian said. “I really do.”
“I’m starting to see where Alex gets his bravado from,” Macey said, winking at Brooke.
“Alex looked so tired earlier,” Brooke said. “Does the radiation do that?”
“He is tired,” she said. “All of this is very taxing on the body, particularly little bodies. It is important that you understand that it’s every bit as psychologically tiring as it is physically. And, as we discussed, it’s going to get worse.”
“Eight weeks’ worth?” Brooke asked.
Macey reached behind her and grabbed a pair of surgical masks. “He is going to have good days and bad days, but once we get over the hump, you will notice quite a difference for the better.” She clapped her hands together and pointed toward the curtain. “Masks, gloves, and caps. Once you’re suited up, you can see him.”
ALEX THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY SEEING MOM AND DAD with all of the hospital stuff on. He was starting to feel a little bit funny in his tummy and his neck, but he still didn’t want to say anything to Dr. Lewis.
“You are doing it, buddy,” Mom said. “You are doing so good.”
“Yeah, you are, partner,” Dad said. “Just be still and relax, okay?”
Alex tilted his head slightly, and despite the warm, almost burning feeling in his neck, he remained still, only moving his eyes back and forth to whoever was talking. His mouth still hurt, and he wanted to go home. He knew it had snowed outside, and he wanted to make a snowman with a carrot nose with Charlie. He thought about the last time he and Charlie had made a snowman and how one of the deer had eaten the nose off the next day. He remembered how Mrs. Lindy had given them another carrot for another nose and how the deer had eaten it again.
He also wanted Charlie to pull him on that funny sled again. He tried to think of the name of it. A botagan? Then he wondered how it was now feeling warm inside his tummy but suddenly so cold on the outside of his body. He tried not to think about it, but it was getting worse. He remembered when Charlie was pulling him on that—toboggan, not botagan—and how Charlie slipped and fell down. He remembered how hard he laughed when Charlie got up, brushed himself off, took one step, and fell down again. His eyes shifted back to his dad, and he wondered if he would get more Christmas presents now that he had a dad. His arms were starting to hurt a little, but not enough to cry. He was tired, but he didn’t want to sleep.
“We have a little surprise for you, Alex,” Dad said. “We can’t have too many people in here, so I’ll be back in about half an hour.”
Alex watched as his dad went around the other side of the curtain. This one was a plain white curtain. He liked the SpongeBob one in the other room lots better. He wondered why his dad left and also wanted to know what the surprise was. He felt a prickly feeling in his legs, and he was getting colder—not on the inside, where it was warm, but on the outside.
“I think somebody is getting the chills,” Dr. Lewis said, gently raising the blanket to cover as much of Alex as possible without interfering with any of his several connections. “That feel better, Alex?”
“Yeah,” he whispered.
“Good,” Dr. Lewis said. “I’m going to leave for a little bit too, while you get your surprise. But I’ll be back in about ten minutes.”
“Okay,” he said.
Dr. Lewis looked at Mom and said, “Kaitlyn will be here in a minute.”
“Sounds good,” Mom said.
Alex watched as Dr. Lewis touched that machine next to him and then started writing something down in the folder. And then she walked away and disappeared behind the curtain.
“You feeling okay, baby?” Mom asked, her eyes looking funny between the mask and the cap.
Alex didn’t answer. He didn’t feel as cold as he had earlier, but his skin felt prickly, and his neck and stomach were hurting him even more. He wondered if he could go home right after this was done.
Nurse Kaitlyn appeared at the corner of the curtain.
“We have a surprise for you, Alex,” she said.
Mom smiled as Nurse Kaitlyn counted. “One—two—and three.” Nurse Kaitlyn pulled the curtain back, and Charlie was standing there with a mask on. He had what Mom called “surgical caps” taped over his big hands instead of gloves, his mask looked like a small white nose, and the cap on his head fit like something a real swimmer would wear.
Alex laughed as Nurse Kaitlyn pulled the big chair from the other side of the room to the foot of the bed. She guided Charlie to the chair, and he waved at Mom before sitting down. Nurse Kaitlyn patted Charlie on the shoulder and pulled out Mr. Brave, who was also wearing a tiny cap and surgical mask. Mom laughed real hard.
“We need you to stay right there,” Nurse Kaitlyn said. “Okay, Charlie?”
“He won’t move,” Mom said.
“I know he won’t,” Nurse Kaitlyn said. She held the puppet up and Mr. Brave said, “Everything is going great, guys!”
“Okay,” Alex said.
“Who is your bestest best friend ever?” Mr. Brave asked.
“Charlie!” Alex said.
As Nurse Kaitlyn and Mr. Brave left the room, Charlie leaned forward and waved his hello. Then he looked over at Mom, who looked sleepy.
Alex noticed the lines that ran across Charlie’s forehead and knew that there were things Charlie didn’t understand. There were things that he probably was curious about.
“You want to know why I’m here, don’t you, Charlie?” Alex asked, yawning. He guessed that Charlie also wanted him back home to watch TV, play hide-and-seek, and eat bologna sandwiches.
Charlie held up his hands with the masks on them and lightly patted them together.
“I gotta get this bone marrow stuff in me,” he said. “So I can get better. Then I can come home.”
Alex looked over at his mother, who was sleeping. Sleeping seemed like a really good idea. He smiled again at Charlie and closed his eyes.
BROOKE’S HEAD JERKED, AND HER HEART FELT LIKE IT kicked in her chest, popping her out of sleep. As she caught her breath and the room swung in and out of focus, she could see that Macey had returned and was standing behind Charlie. Yes, Brooke . . . you’re at the hospital. Alex is sick. This is really happening.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” the doctor said, stepping to the other side of the bed to toggle a switch on one of the machines that was attached to Alex.
“Oh, it’s fine,” Brooke said, a little embarrassed she’d dozed off. She looked at Charlie, who seemed like he hadn’t moved since he arrived. It was like he was Alex’s personal bodyguard. She sat up in the chair and wondered how long she was out. It could have been five minutes or five hours. All she knew was that she was still exhausted.
“Excuse me one second,” Macey said, coming around to Brooke’s side of the bed. The doctor leaned behind Alex and adjusted a pair of knobs on a different machine, adding an almost soothing hum to the room, making Brooke even sleepier.
Brooke rubbed her eyes and took a deep breath. Alex had shifted his head on the pillow away from Charlie and was facing her. The dark circles under his eyes had become more apparent, and it almost seemed like he was smiling in his sleep. Brooke smiled back at him. He was a little angel. He practically looked like a doll. He is going to get better, she thought. In fact, he is getting better right now. Please, Lord, make him better!
“One more second,” Macey said, putting her foot on the side rail a little closer to Brooke. “Sorry about the intrusion here.”
“No problem,” Brooke said, unable to take her eyes off of Macey’s tennis shoe—the way her foot was positioned on the rail and the light blue Nike logo.
“That should do it,” Macey said.
“Are those the same tennis shoes you spilled the coffee on?” Brooke asked. It reminded her
of something . . .
“Yeah,” Macey said. “I threw them into the washer, and that one came out faded. I don’t mind, though. I’m not trying to make a fashion statement.”
The shore. That was it. It was on the shore at the park.
“Carla and I were walking along the lake awhile back, and we found a single Nike tennis shoe laying in the sand. It looked just like yours.”
“Only one shoe?” Macey asked, letting out a little laugh.
“Yeah,” Brooke said.
“I’ve seen one on the side of the road before,” Macey said, “but never at the lake.” She walked back around Brooke and stopped next to Charlie. “It’s good to see Alex, isn’t it, Charlie?”
Charlie smiled at her and nodded.
“I’ll be back in fifteen minutes or so,” Macey said. “Everything is going smoothly, okay?”
Brooke was looking back at Alex. She didn’t answer.
“Did you hear me, Brooke?” Macey asked.
It was right near the Nike tennis shoe—the tennis shoe with the faded Nike logo.
“I’ll be back in about fifteen minutes,” Macey repeated.
Brooke just kept staring at Alex. One of his eyes opened and looked at her, then closed.
“You all right, Brooke?”
“The doll,” Brooke said dreamily.
“The doll?” Macey asked. “What do you mean?”
Brooke could feel the tears dampening her surgical mask.
“What doll?” Macey asked, coming back around Charlie and kneeling next to Brooke’s chair. “What’s wrong?”
Brooke couldn’t take her eyes off of Alex, nor her mind’s eye off the doll. The baby doll she and Carla had seen, near the tennis shoe. She remembered that most of its hair had fallen out. She remembered how the lake water had stained dark circles under its eyes. She remembered how one of those eyes seemed pasted shut and how the other eye had just stared at her. It looked dead.
“Brooke?” Macey said. “What is it?” She took her hand.
“I’m okay,” Brooke muttered, still crying. But she wasn’t.
She remembered thinking about the little girl who lost the doll. Wondering how the little girl must have felt, knowing she’d never see her baby again. Wondering how long the little girl must have cried, hopelessly wanting to hold her baby just one more time.
But she didn’t get to. Her baby was gone, carried away in the water . . .
FORTY-ONE
I’ll call you in about an hour,” Zach said, kissing Kaitlyn on her cheek before she made her way out of the fellowship hall. He turned and waited for Pastor Jim to finish talking to an older couple.
“You look like a man in deep thought,” Pastor Jim said.
“Thoughts,” Zach said, feeling like a man with a secret. “And it won’t cost you a penny to hear some of them.”
“Let’s head back to the office,” Pastor Jim said. He gestured toward the narrow hallway that led to the back of the church.
“Okay,” Zach said, following him.
“Are you going to be at the hospital this afternoon?” Pastor Jim asked. He stopped in the hallway and turned the thermostat down. “Shirley and I were going to run up there around three-ish.”
“Not today,” Zach said. “Kaitlyn and I both have the day off, and we were going to head up to Birch Run for a couple of hours and shop.”
“Ah, Frankenmuth,” Pastor Jim said. “Haven’t been there in years. It’s beautiful.”
“Yes, it is.”
Pastor Jim opened the door to his office and flicked on the light switch. “With us heading over to see Alex every night, I hope you guys don’t run out of those masks and gloves.”
Zach smiled. “Well, prepping Charlie is like outfitting five people, but I think we’ll be okay.” He paused, thinking about how faithful the Lindys had been. A visit every night since Alex’s blood marrow transfusion, almost a week ago, and many days before then. They truly embodied the meaning of extended family. “You have all been incredibly supportive of Alex, Pastor Jim.”
Pastor Jim smiled. “Ahh, it’s the least we could do. By the grace of God, they say he is doing well and everything seems to be going as planned.”
By the grace of God? Zach thought. As planned? He could still see the look on Macey’s face when she shared what Kenneth had asked her about her best not being good enough. That single look had let him know that her normal mountain of confidence hadn’t just been reduced, it had been eliminated.
And Macey was right, wasn’t she? Had it been anyone but Kenneth who had said it . . .
“Have a seat,” Pastor Jim said, clearing off the top of his desk.
“Nice office.”
“I used to spend a lot of time in here,” he said, stacking books he had just taken off his desk onto a small table behind him. “Excuse the mess. I was going through these, trying to get organized, and in the process became more unorganized.”
“I certainly know that feeling,” Zach said, pointing at a photograph on the wall. “Who is that good-looking couple?”
“Forty-three years ago,” Pastor Jim said, smiling and running his finger across the wood that framed his wedding picture. “I am lucky. To me, she’s every bit as beautiful today as she was then.”
“You are both lucky. You seem very happy.”
“We are,” Pastor Jim said, sitting down and closing the Bible in front of him. “You and Kaitlyn certainly seem to be hitting it off lately, but I’m guessing you’re not here to discuss my marriage services.”
“Not yet,” he said, pausing. “It’s that obvious that something’s bothering me?”
“I’m not sure if bother is the word I would use,” the minister said. “Preoccupied, maybe?”
“More than maybe.”
“Let’s give it a whirl,” Pastor Jim said. “What’s on your mind?”
Zach put his hands flat on top of the desk. He was more than comfortable with Pastor Jim, but still wasn’t quite sure where to start. “I’m new to a lot of this, Pastor Jim. So please bear with me.”
“You can say whatever you want in here, Zach. Take your time.”
“You see, I’ve experienced something that’s allowed me to be very confident in my knowledge of God’s presence. But despite my confidence, I guess I still have questions about the Lord and the way . . . well, the way some things end up happening.”
“You’re not the only one,” Pastor Jim said, his kind and patient smile bending his lips. “Maybe we can help each other.”
“I want to know more about why God allows things to happen. Bad things. Like this, with little Alex. I meet up with kids like him every day.”
“God has a plan,” Pastor Jim said. “And everything does happen for a reason. In fact, Paul tells us to ‘know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.’”
“But then why do bad things happen to good people?”
“His promise isn’t that bad things don’t happen, Zach. His promise is that God can turn every circumstance into something good. Every circumstance. Sometimes we just need to look.” He sighed heavily and lifted one eyebrow. “Sometimes it takes a lot of time to see it. Sometimes we don’t get to see it at all—but somehow our suffering aids others. The key is trusting the Master through it all.”
Zach thought about Amy. About how he’d been striving so hard, and for so long, to somehow make up for her death. To pay penance for a crime he did not commit. And then he thought again about Macey’s best not being good enough for Alex, and how she might have to soon come to a similar realization. Some things are out of our control.
“Make sense?” Pastor Jim asked.
“Yes.” He took a deep breath. “But then why pray at all? For healing? For change?”
Pastor Jim gave him a gentle smile. “Because he loves to hear from his children. You and me. And you never know if he simply wants us to ask before he grants it to us.” He tapped his lips. “In really simplistic
terms, it’s kind of like a kid asking for a cookie. If it’s the right time, not too close to a meal, then sure, we say yes. But if it’s going to spoil a meal, or if the kid has had nothing but junk to eat all day, we say no. Right?”
“Right.”
“But the kid can’t really see that. All he can see is the cookie, and how yummy it looks, and how he wants it right now. Only someone with a greater perspective can make the wise decision. And the wise kid accepts and trusts that person.”
“I understand,” Zach said. “But what if we’re not talking cookies? What if we’re talking someone’s life?”
Pastor Jim seemed to hesitate, and their eyes met again. “Are you talking about Alex?”
“Yes. And others . . .”
Pastor Jim sighed. “Obviously, the stakes are totally different, but the principle applies. Regardless of what the outcome is, Zach, and as much sense as it does or doesn’t make, we really are not capable of understanding it all. We’re left with one decision: to trust or not to trust. Because we are not in control, as much as we’d like to be. I mean, we’re to use our God-given brains, follow where God leads. But we’re sinful, fallible people in a fallen world. There are a ton of dynamics in play.”
Zach stared at him for a long moment. “It’s strange. But I do have this weird feeling that everything is going to be okay, Pastor Jim. Regardless of what happens. I know it.”
“That’s all that really counts here,” Pastor Jim said. “Let go, and let God take care of it, no matter how it feels at the time.”
Kenneth’s words to Macey ran through Zach’s mind again, speaking to him as much to her, it seemed.
What if your best wasn’t good enough?
Zach stood. “But what I really want is for everyone . . .” He stopped, and the images of people flitted in and out of his mind, like a slideshow in his head—first there was Kaitlyn, then Macey, Brooke, Ian, Shirley . . . and finally Charlie. “What I really want is for everyone else to know that whatever happens, it really is all for a reason. I want everyone to believe that. I just want them to have—”
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