by Emma Vikes
His dark hair was pushed back, combed neatly and waxed to stay put. He looked clean-shaven, when we had parted ways he had a five o’ clock shadow. But it was his eyes that stunned me. They weren’t framed behind thick black glasses.
“Lexi,” Everett murmured, his eyes swooping down from my face all the way to my bare feet in a slow manner. “The…the dress looks nice on you.”
I bit the inside of my lips, feeling exposed under his intense gaze. “You don’t look too bad yourself. You should clean up more often, Hudson.”
Reaching behind me, I tried to reach for the zipper to pull it up when I felt a warm hand on the small of my back and another on top of my shoulder. “Let me.”
The warmth radiating from his touch forced my eyes to flutter and my stomach to tighten in knots. I had missed the warmth of his embrace, the way he would reach out to touch my skin lightly, sending goose bumps all over my body, like it did now. I could feel his knuckles grazing my back as he slowly pulled up the zipper and I couldn’t help but elicit a low moan, wanting nothing more than to face him and push him against the wall and kiss him senseless the way that I did once. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me.
“Alexa.”
It was the way that he said my name that brought me back to reality and slowly, I turned to face him. Everett’s jaw was clenched tight and he looked incredibly pale, as if he was going to faint soon. He looked as if he had been restraining himself so much and it was physically painful for him to do so. Slowly, his hand reached out to touch my face, gently cupping my chin between his thumb and forefinger. His alluring eyes bore straight into my soul.
“Just for tonight,” he whispered and I could hear the plea in the tone of his voice, the longing and desire, “This can’t happen if you don’t want to cross the line.”
The line.
And suddenly it was as if I had been doused with cubes of ice, melting from the top of my head throughout my entire body and forcibly causing me to shiver involuntarily. He was still willing to respect the line that I had drawn, respecting my desire to keep a distance.
“What?”
Everett pursed his lips and then dropped his hand and instantly, the warmth that flooded through me was gone. “You caught me off-guard with what you told me a week ago at the rooftop, but I saw your point the moment that you said it. We have different priorities and we can’t keep crossing the line for our own selfish desires, knowing that we wouldn’t be able to take it any further.”
“But the thing is, Alexa, we need to look believable and to do that, the line has to disappear. Just until the wedding is over. Hell, this whole relationship will disappear the moment we step out of the venue and go our separate ways. I’ll tell them that it didn’t work out and that we tried but it just couldn’t happen because we wanted different things.”
But do we really want different things, Everett?
He was rambling right now and I knew that he was grasping at facts, at the truth of what I had told him. But Everett was struggling and a part of me hoped that maybe he was struggling with that truth in the same way that I was. A part of me, the one who wanted to believe that having a relationship with him could work out only if we wanted it enough, if we put in enough effort to make it work, then maybe…
No.
And then suddenly Everett stopped talking and he was breathing hard. He took a step closer to me and placed both of his hands on each side of my face and looked at me with such intense eyes that I was suddenly trapped in a world of gray that I couldn’t escape. His gaze lured me in and trapped my entire being and I didn’t have it in me to fight against it.
“Just until the wedding, can you please pretend that you’re actually mine?”
14
Everett
“Can you please pretend that you’re actually mine?” I could hear the desperation in my own voice and I didn’t even know why I was so desperate to have her even if it was temporarily. But my heart was aching for her, to hold her and touch her in the same casual manner that I used to before that night, before Alexa had decided to draw a line, a line she didn’t want us to cross.
She looked like an angel in her emerald green dress, iridescent, with blazing red hair. But her hazel eyes held a quiet calm that I couldn’t understand. They looked so cold it scared me. And when Alexa opened her red lips to speak, her words felt like bullets piercing my heart.
“Do you know how incredibly selfish you sound?” And as soon as the words left her mouth, her eyes widened, surprised that she had said those words out loud. She blinked a couple of times and then took a deep breath, taking a step cautiously towards me. “Everett, I didn’t mean it” she said quickly.
“But you did think it,” I murmured, turning away. I let out a shaky breath and then offered her a smile, “we better get going. We’ll be late for the rehearsal and Imogen isn’t a big fan of people who come in late.”
I turned around so she wouldn’t get the chance to really look at me, so she wouldn’t see the pain that her words had caused. Because if she asked me why it hurt, I couldn’t really give her an answer because I didn’t know how to answer it. I couldn’t even understand what the hell I was feeling at the moment, so how I was meant to explain it?
“Everett,” her voice was calm and collected and I felt her hand on my wrist, gently tugging me to turn around and face her. “I’m already pretending to be yours. I know what the rules are. I know what I’m supposed to be doing which is to pretend that I’m madly in love with you. You’re asking me to do what I already am.”
All I could do was stare at her, restraining myself from saying anything further. Restraining myself from telling her that I didn’t want it to be fake, I wanted it to be real, even if it was temporarily. But I didn’t even know why I wanted that to happen or what I really wanted at all. All I knew was that I wanted to have the same relaxed relationship that I had with her before. The tension that surrounded us after we had sex had been palpable. But since Alexa had drawn a line, we were stuck in separate bubbles and I just wanted to pop out of it and have her in my arms again.
If only I could.
We were at the restaurant and I had isolated myself from the party that was happening in the restaurant and opted to drink outside instead. I had already had a lot of scotch and I decided to nurse this one rather than down it. I sneaked out as soon as everyone had decided to crowd in on the dancefloor and no one had noticed when I slipped away. Not even Alexa.
She had been happily playing with Violet and Max when I left. She and Max had hit it off during Thanksgiving, and although she had just met Violet during the rehearsal, they had developed a bond. Alexa was surprisingly easy to form a bond with. She hit it off with Eleanor during Thanksgiving, as well as with Mom and Imogen and even with my brothers. It wasn’t hard for her to be friends with Megan either, and they seemed to be comfortable around each other. I even saw her take a fussy Atlas from Megan’s arms earlier.
The only person that I hadn’t officially introduced her to was Milo. Most of my life, I’d always wondered about the day that I would finally introduce a girl to my family. It wasn’t that my family was crazy, it was just that I was scared of how they would react and how they would treat her. My brothers were lucky with the girls that were in their lives, even Milo’s first wife, Rebecca, had been lovely.
But what I thought about most was how much love seemed to have affected my two older brothers. When he was a teenager, before he and Rebecca had gotten together, Milo was as much a ladies’ man as Leo had been and as Julian was. He was smart and an athlete, and girls tended to flock towards him like moths drawn to an incredibly bright flame. Then he met Rebecca and it was as if he had become the moth and she the flame. But then Rebecca died in a tragic accident and Milo found out that she had had an affair, and it turned his life upside down.
“Why are you here alone? I thought having a girlfriend would force you stay in the venue and enjoy the party with everyone else.”
&n
bsp; I didn’t have to turn around to know that Milo had come outside to join me. He sat beside me and then I turned to look at my older brother. His dark hair was neatly cut short- most likely courtesy of his wife, who was a hairdresser- and his gray eyes held a depth that only experience could’ve brought. When Rebecca died, Milo had fallen down a hole and none of us thought that we could get him out of it. He was thrown off-course from life and even forgot how to be a father to his own child for a little while, which was surprising because Milo had taken on the father role since our Dad had died. He had managed to take care of the three of us the way I knew Dad would’ve too, had he been alive.
For a while, I thought that no one would be able to save Milo. But then Megan came into his life and brought him back to life.
I shrugged and then sipped my scotch. “It got a little crazy and you know I don’t do crazy.”
“You also don’t drink much, but that’s your third glass,” Milo mused, nodding at the glass in my hand. Of course, he had noticed. Nothing ever went unnoticed by him. “Some people tell me that when the guy is drinking a little too much than usual and he’s in a relationship, most likely he did something wrong and he’s trying to figure out what. Here’s my two cents on that. Alcohol will only make your brain fuzzy and won’t help you think clearly.”
Chuckling, I set aside my glass and then straightened my back as I looked at the view. Eleanor and Leo had chosen a restaurant that overlooked the city and the glistening city lights looked like stars. “There’s no issue between me and Alexa.”
“I introduced myself to her earlier,” Milo suddenly said, nodding his head to where everyone else was. “She’s adorable. Like a female version of you but bubblier, and not too serious.”
“Am I meant to take that as an insult?” I asked my older brother who chuckled and shrugged.
“She’s a good match for you, Ev, and I really hope things work out between the two of you. To be honest, I’ve always wondered when you’re going to find the right person and for a while there, I was a little worried that you’ll…”
“Die an old man alone in my death bed?” I finished for him, sipping my scotch again and shrugging, turning my eyes back to the glimmering city lights below us. “Don’t worry. There were moments where I wondered the same thing.”
When I turned to Milo, his eyes were regarding me carefully. “If you’ve wondered it too, why didn’t you just try dating?”
I licked my lips and grew quiet for a little while, thinking of all the reasons that I’d given my family and colleagues and friends about why I hadn’t dated anyone yet. But to be honest, the reason was because I was too picky and too paranoid that I might find the wrong girl and that all my efforts would’ve gone to waste or something like that. I didn’t want to ruin my chances when it came to finding the right one. There had to be a scientific way of finding the right person in one try.
“Because I couldn’t find the right one.”
Milo cocked his head to the side when I looked at him. “Isn’t love meant to be a trial and error process?”
I turned away, knowing what he meant. Milo had the uncanny ability of using phrases and terms that I would understand better. He used to tell me that for a smart guy, I could be a little bit dense sometimes. “How’d you find the courage to admit your feelings for Megan? You swore off love after what Rebecca had done, and after she died. You were so adamant not to fall in love again that you turned into this robotic version of yourself and to be honest, I thought you were too far gone to be saved.”
Surprisingly, Milo laughed and nodded his head in agreement. “I thought the same. I thought that maybe having someone I could screw around with was all I needed. But then Megan left and came back to Irving and in her absence, I realized the sheer magnitude of her presence in my life, and Violet’s. There was something missing when she left. Anyone could’ve pointed that out. My world had stopped spinning for a little while and I hadn’t even noticed that it had begun to spin again because of her.”
If I had been talking to Leo, I knew that he would’ve said the same thing, about how Eleanor had turned his life around, then and now, and how she was probably always meant to. I could scoff at Milo and tell him that he must’ve still been on his honeymoon phase but then again, there was this gentle spark in his eyes when he spoke about Megan. The same spark that I saw in Leo’s each time Eleanor stepped foot in a room, as if she was the one carrying all the colour in the world. And most of all, it was the same spark that I’d seen in my father’s eyes each time he danced with my mother in the middle of our living room, as he hummed a sweet melody and she rested her head against his chest. They used to dance in silence when they thought that we’d turned in for the night; but they never really caught us snooping in on them from the stairs, watching as they danced.
“Why are you even asking?” Milo asked and his words snapped me back to reality. “Don’t you feel the same way with Alexa? As if she has taken your whole world and then spun it around in the direction it was always meant to.”
I cleared my throat and shrugged. I restrained myself from telling Milo the whole truth about my situation with Alexa. It would be a breath of fresh air for someone to know the truth, but then again, the wedding was really close and I didn’t want to ruin anything by what we had done. Milo was fiercely protective but he was also very strict. If he knew that I had Alexa agree to be my fake girlfriend, he would be furious with me and force me to confess to everyone. I could take whatever they fired at me but I didn’t want them to be pissed at Alexa for agreeing with me.
“It’s my first time dating someone. I’m all new to this.”
Milo nodded and then punched my shoulder lightly. “Well, if you want to know, it’s best not to read too much into anything. Stop second-guessing everything. You’re a scientist, Everett, you’re supposed to enjoy the trial and error process. But know that you will never get to the conclusion directly because it’s always, always, going to be a process.”
Before I could respond to what he had just told me, Milo clamped a hand on my shoulder and stood up. He picked up his glass and tilted the half-filled cup towards me and nodded his head back at the venue. “Megan must be looking for me by now. I better get back to my family and you better get back to your girl, Ev.”
Just as he was about to leave, he paused and then chuckled. “Never mind, your girl is here to pick you up. Hey, Alexa.”
I turned around and watched as Alexa stood a little away from where Milo and I was. She gave my brother a small wave and then approached us. Milo patted her back and then left us alone.
Alexa turned to look at me, her head tilted to the side, her hazel eyes boring into mine. Under the moon’s silver glow, she looked incandescent and my heart lurched in my chest, egging me to move and get closer to her, as if her red hair was the flame and I was the helpless moth drawn to her no matter how much I tried to restrain myself.
“Hey,” she said, her voice soft and gentle as she approached me. She took a seat beside me, cautiously, and looked at me carefully, “Are you mad at me, Everett?”
I turned away, hating how direct and forward Alexa could be when she wanted to. She had confronted me in the same way when I wouldn’t share information about the case that we had, and she had made sure that I understood what she felt about it. I licked my lips and straightened my back. “No. You have a point. You’re already pretending to be mine so asking you to do so was pointless.”
“Then why did you ask?”
Because a part of me had intended on omitting the word pretend.
“Because I miss you,” I said quietly, my gaze fixed on the city lights again. Sighing, I turned to look at Alexa, who was staring at me, her eyes filled with confusion. I downed the remaining scotch in my glass and stood up, holding out a hand for her to take. “No one’s here and we aren’t meant to pretend what we’re not, but I think I owe you a dance. Since I didn’t get to do it inside. So, Alexa Stone, will you dance with me?”
“You’ve
been drinking,” Alexa noted, glancing at the glass that I had left at the side of where I had been sitting. I shrugged nonchalantly, my hand still outstretched for her to take, “There’s no music, Everett, and you know you don’t have to.”
I wrapped my hand around hers and pulled her up. Surprised, she put out her other hand to rest on my shoulder, to steady herself. “But I want to. Just let me have this dance, Lexi.”
Without saying anything more, I placed her hand in position and placed mine where it was supposed to be. I swayed her gently, humming silently under my breath, as Alexa stared at me with wide eyes. Slowly, she began to relax and rested her head on my chest and I closed my eyes, continuing to hum the same song that I remembered my father used to hum, whenever he danced with Mom.
I understood what Milo had meant, when he told me that love was a trial and error process and that it will always be that. There wasn’t a conclusion to love, because if there was then it wouldn’t have the same thrill that it did. And there was this part of me who wanted to bask myself in it, who suddenly wanted what my brothers had, who was willing to throw off all the fear and paranoia that I had when it came to commitment. I was willing to concentrate less on my career and make love a priority.
But I also understood what Alexa meant. Just like me, romance wasn’t on her list of priorities. Yet some lines were crossed and some were drawn and here I was, dancing with a girl that I had complex feelings about.
“Maybe this is what you meant,” I said quietly, as I pushed her away gently and spun her slowly till she was back in my arms. “Maybe this is me finding the courage to do what makes my heart flutter, even when I know it’s just for the moment.”
15
