by Alice Raine
Inclining his head to one side, Sean still looked a little put out and now I felt really awful – not to mention awkward. He was staring at me as if trying to see through my skull and read my mind, and the intensity made me cringe. This was the very reason I’d wanted to sneak away, to avoid a scene like this.
‘Plus, a plough went up the road about half an hour ago and your lovely neighbour seems to be clearing your driveway for you,’ I said weakly, with an attempt at an amused expression, trying to lighten the mood as I pointed with my thumb to the guy outside shovelling snow like his life depended on it.
Momentarily distracted from my departure, Sean’s eyebrows popped up. ‘Really?’ His tone lifted as he leaned around the curtains to watch as the heavy-coated man continued shovelling fiercely at the layers of snow in front of the garage. Finally a small smile curved his lips,
‘Ahh, that’s Sam. He’s my gardener in the summer but I pay him all year round so he randomly turns up and does jobs for me throughout the year.’
Turning back to me Sean sobered his face and began to fidget on the spot. ‘Look … before you go, I need to get your number.’
I sighed heavily and allowed a sad smile to slip to my lips. Just as I had predicted. Sean was doing the honourable thing and trying to make me feel better about leaving. This had been my main reason for wanting to leave undetected.
‘Sean, we’ve had fun, especially since you stopped acting like a bear with a sore head, but you don’t have to try and make me feel good by pretending it was more than that.’ I was a realist, and as much as I’d like it to be the case, I knew that a film star dating a schoolteacher wasn’t ever a likely combination.
Instead of replying, Sean stared at me in surprise, his eyes widening and then narrowing as he practically scowled at me. ‘Fun?’ he asked in a low, choked growl.
What did he want me to say? That he was the best I’d ever had? That I was going to miss him so much that I felt like I was dying inside? That I might very well have fallen in love with him? Or was he just looking for an ego boost? Was ‘fun’ not a good enough adjective for him? He was acting so strangely that I had no idea. Then again, I barely knew him, so how could I ever properly judge what he was thinking?
‘A lot of fun …’ I added weakly.
His scowl deepened, as did the intensity of his eyes, and after briefly rolling his head forward for a few seconds, he raised it to reveal a clearer expression.
‘Stay for the day with me?’ he asked hopefully, but I immediately found myself shaking my head. ‘I can’t Sean …’ This was already the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, staying for another hour or so – and no doubt experiencing another display of his fantastic sexual skills – would only make it more difficult.
There was a long pause where he simply stared at me thoughtfully, blinking rapidly as he chewed his lips between his teeth so hard that they turned white. ‘Fine. You’re right, you should leave,’ he finally conceded with a shrug.
I felt my stomach drop at his confirmation as Sean tilted his head, cleared all traces of his scowl, and shoved his hands into his pockets. Talk about awkward. It was definitely time to leave. As I turned away, he suddenly caught my elbow in a firm grip and suddenly spun me around to pin me against the wall, his body caging me on all sides.
Whoa. He’d flipped me so fast I’d barely registered it, but now I was suspended between his hot, hard body and the wall with my arms pinned firmly by my sides and his breath fanning across my lips. He smelt like mint, and I suspected he’d recently brushed his teeth. ‘I’m still going to need that number,’ he murmured, before his lips smashed down onto mine so fiercely that I let out a small sigh of shock.
His tongue used my sigh as an opportunity to dive into my mouth, tangling with mine in a kiss so frantic that I was quickly writhing below his touch as I did my best to keep up with him. This had to be his idea of a goodbye kiss, because he was injecting so much passion into it that I could barely function after just a few moments of his attention.
Pulling back, he smirked at my no doubt dazed expression and then curved his mouth into a small, sweet smile that made my heart squeeze ridiculously in my chest. God, I was going to miss him so much. Stepping further away, he kept me half pinned with his left hand while his right moved to a small cabinet next to us and began to rummage around in the top drawer. The way he kept a grip on me almost made me think he was scared I would run away if he let go of me. Pulling out a pad and a pen, he handed them to me and finally gave me a bit more space.
Glancing at the notepad I sighed, and gave in with a weak smile. ‘Fine.’ I shook my head, positive that Sean was just trying to make my exit less uncomfortable by requesting my number, but scribbled it down nonetheless. ‘I won’t hold my breath,’ I teased lightly with a limp smile, secretly dying inside. What I wouldn’t give to live in a world where we had similar lives and a relationship between us was a possibility.
‘I wouldn’t if I were you, providing the weather holds so that I can fly out. I’ll be filming up in the hills in America so I probably won’t have reception, but …’ He paused, reaching out for the phone number, but instead grabbing my wrist and tugging me against him again. ‘I will call. Make sure you stay safe until I get back.’ A flicker of concern crossed his eyebrows, then he lowered his lips to mine and I found myself helpless to protest as he gave me such a tender goodbye kiss that I’d never, ever forget it.
FIFTEEN
Sean
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I flung both of my hands into my hair and dragged them through until I felt several strands ripping out between my fingers. I couldn’t believe I’d just let Allie walk away. Scrap that, I couldn’t believe she’d wanted to walk away. Did she really view the last week as no more than a fling? A fling that had been just fun? Had I totally misinterpreted the connection? Or was Allie just hiding her feelings to try and avoid getting hurt? It was this latter that I was clinging to as I watched her give me a fragile smile and wave as she climbed into her car, started it, and pulled off down the driveway.
Pulling out my mobile I hurriedly added her number before I could lose it, only just resisting the temptation to call her immediately. My eyes fell on the now-empty driveway and the ragged holes that Allie’s wheels had dug in my immaculate gravel on the day she had arrived. She had obviously spun her tyres so furiously that she’d managed to rip right through the gravel, sand, and underlay, so I’d forever have weeds growing through in those areas now. I thought I’d be irritated about the ruined patches – I should have been irritated – but for some reason, even they didn’t spark a strong enough reaction to pull my thoughts away from Allie’s departure.
Breathing in deeply, I stepped back inside, shut the door, and leant back on it before allowing my legs to buckle as I slid down to sit on the floor. Christ, I felt sick. Resting my elbows on my knees, I dropped my head forward as I thought back over the last week and the chaos that Allie had unintentionally brought into my life.
As soon as I’d laid eyes on her I had instantly felt an unknown connection, and then when I’d let my guard down and allowed myself to experience her, really experience her, it had been totally incredible.
She was exactly what I had been waiting for my entire life, but at the same time the very thing I’d always dreaded. I cared for her, and that frightened me. The experience with Elena had left me terrified of properly falling for someone and letting them down the way I had her, and now here was Allie. She was quite possibly my ‘someone’. She was my perfect woman in every sense of the word – kind, funny, sexy, clever, and seemingly just as affected by me as I was by her, but that just meant that my worst nightmares were all coming true because she’d only just left and already I was panicking about where and how she was.
Jesus, I was a complete mess.
It was then that I noticed a folded piece of paper on the sideboard next to the front door. Frowning, I picked it up, seeing my name on it in unfamiliar, curly lettering. It must be from Allie. Christ, she really
had been planning on leaving without saying goodbye. My chest hurt with that thought, and I found myself rubbing it before opening up the paper.
Dear Sean,
You certainly made this a Christmas that I won’t easily forget, so thank you. I’ve left like this, without telling you, because it seemed the easiest option for both of us. We had fun, didn’t we? But I didn’t want to make it awkward by pretending it was ever going to be more than that.
Thank you for your (eventual) kind hospitality during my stay.
Allie x
Standing up numbly I shook out my arms in an attempt to stop the trembling in my limbs and tried to breathe slowly and calmly to help my rising panic subside.
We had fun, didn’t we?
Didn’t want to pretend it was ever going to be more than that.
Snorting with disbelief I ran my eyes over her words again. Thank you for the hospitality? The fucking hospitality? That was what she thanked me for? What about the intense connection between us, the hours spent talking, and confessing my inner fears and deepest secrets? Had that meant nothing to her? It certainly had to me.
I was buzzing with anxious tingles, my whole body vibrating with the need to go after her, grab her, and show her exactly how hospitable I could be. Fuck. Working off my nervous energy I began to prowl around the living room. As I passed the fire I screwed up the note and scrap of paper with her phone number on it and mindlessly tossed them into the flickering flames as I continued to weigh up what the hell I was going to do.
Was I letting lust blind my judgement? Had our week really been just that? A desire-fuelled frenzy brought about by the circumstances of our snow-enforced closeness?
The more I thought about her sad, but resolute, face just now, the more I began to doubt myself. Perhaps she was being the more realistic one – after all, my schedule for the next year was going to be crazy busy, and based mostly in America, which was hardly ideal grounding for a new relationship with a woman based in the Peak District.
Plus there were the differences in our lives: I was always moving around with my career so a relationship would never have been the easiest of rides for her. On top of all that, there was the age gap. I was knocking on forty and she was still young, free, and single. If she got involved with me she’d likely miss out on a calm, stable relationship, kids, and everything else she deserved.
Fuck. This was torturous.
My need to hear her voice was spurring me to call her, so opening my phone I brought up her contact details, but hesitated as my thumb hovered over the call button. After another second of hesitation, I scowled, then pressed my thumb down on the delete button instead, removing Allie’s number, and her presence, from my life. It might feel like the worst decision ever, but it was no doubt the best for both of us in the long run.
SIXTEEN
Allie
Several weeks had now passed since I’d left Sean’s house … two weeks, five days, and twelve hours, to be precise, and I was seriously pissed at myself for pining over him like a schoolgirl with a crush.
Pouring out a bowl of cereal, I slopped some milk on top, managing to get half the carton over my hand in the process as I let out a long, heavy sigh. Having rinsed the milk from my hand, I turned off the tap and stared into the garden in a trance. All this moping around was making me sloppy and lethargic. I seriously needed to dig out my spunk, get running again, and re-ignite my usual confidence.
As I expected, Sean hadn’t called. Of course he hadn’t. He was Sean Phillips – movie star, heartthrob, and all-round sex god. Why would he bother to call little ol’ me? Despite what he’d said about not being a player any more, I now firmly believed that I’d been well and truly fooled. No doubt taking a different woman to his bed was such a regular occurrence for him that the lies had slipped easily past his lovely lips. He’d probably forgotten all about me by now. If only the same could be true for me.
Making a dismissive noise with my lips, I rolled my eyes as I corrected my last thought – he’d probably forgotten about me the second he had closed the door and returned to his star-studded life.
After making such a fuss about getting my phone number and then laying me with that stunning, final, melt-worthy kiss, I’d stupidly allowed myself to believe for a while that he actually might call, and as a result had answered my phone with pathetic enthusiasm for at least nine days. But now a cold reality had set in – there was not going to be a call, and now I was simply in the process of trying to get him out of my mind and move on.
Unfortunately, after the few days I’d spent with him, that was quite a lot harder than I had hoped it would be. In fact, he may well have ruined me for other men for quite some time. After all, when you’ve been with a man as confident, handsome, and intensely passionate as Sean, I suspected that dating a regular guy might turn out to be a bit of a fall down the expectation ladder.
Bloody men. Or more specifically, bloody man. Singular.
Flopping down on the sofa, I began to attack my bowl of cereal as I switched on the television to distract myself, but was instead immediately met with Sean on the screen. Really? So now as well as spending half my time recapping our week together and generally moping over him, I was starting to hallucinate about him too?
Blinking hard to clear my mind, I opened my eyes and looked at the television again, realising that Sean really was there, sat on the Good Morning Hollywood couch and talking to the stunning host, Jessica Leighton.
Talking of stunning, he didn’t look so bad himself, his arm casually draped along the back of the couch, one long leg bent at the knee and resting on the other, and wearing a navy three-piece suit and white shirt. My stomach clenched at just how gorgeous he was as my eyes greedily ate up his appearance. Unlike the unruly locks I had been used to seeing, his hair had been persuaded into some sort of deliberately ruffled style – no doubt by dozens of delighted, flirtatious make-up girls backstage. His brow was slightly dipped into that serious, intent expression I recognised well, and his chin looked to have at least a day’s worth of stubble on it. In short, he looked utterly edible.
Scrabbling to grab the remote and turn the sound up, I heard Sean’s low, raspy voice for the first time in weeks and it sent a delicious tingle running down my spine which simultaneously made me want to slap myself around the face for being so pathetic. As much as I wanted to turn the television off, I found myself completely unable to, as I continued to watch enraptured, cradling my forgotten bowl of cereal as it turned to a soggy mush.
Such was my desperation to soak in his image, I realised that I was sat like a goldfish, barely even blinking. It was like I was addicted to him. Sean was my drug, and was proving to be a bloody hard habit to kick. From what Jessica was saying, it seemed Sean was doing some sort of promotional interview for his latest series, but as he finished discussing the plot Jessica leaned in, pouting her cherry red lips and narrowing her perfectly mascaraed eyes seductively.
‘So, Sean, any leading lady in your life at the moment?’ I knew that as well as fishing for gossip, Jessica was dropping a really unsubtle hint about all the rumours that Sean had a habit of sleeping with his leading ladies. I grimaced as unwelcome images of him in bed with other women flashed in my mind. Would he care for them like he had me? Ensuring they got pleasure as well as him? Washing their hair and drying them off too? Probably. It was no doubt just his usual repertoire. My face crumpled at the thought. I once again remembered his adamant statement to me that he didn’t sleep around any more … but he was way too good in bed to not be practising his skills on a very regular basis. Bloody liar. Snorting out a dismissive grunt, I scrunched up my face in annoyance at how easily I’d given in to him.
Obviously reading straight through Jessica’s line of questioning, Sean gave a rare public smile, but it was the fake almost smirky one he’d first given me, and not the real, dimpled show-stopper that I’d discovered was the true Sean smile. Even though it shouldn’t have done, the thought that he wasn’t giving Jessica his
real smile pleased me immensely.
‘Well that would be telling, wouldn’t it?’ he said with a soft hum, apparently happy to tease.
Jessica looked a little stunned for a second, then disappointed at the immediate lack of gossip. ‘That is a mysterious answer, Sean, I’m sure there are plenty willing to take the part though.’
Ugh. She was blatantly flirting with him, and I absolutely hated her for it. As she leaned forward, her perfectly manicured fingers touched his knee as she giggled with a flutter of her eyelashes that practically made me gag. God, did she have no shame? Her bright red nails briefly rubbed higher over his trouser-clad thigh, making me glance down at my own hands in distraction. Unlike Jessica’s perfect hands I had short, closely-trimmed nails, and the remains of some marker pen on my palms from an art lesson I had taught yesterday. How glamourous. Not. Once again I was reminded of the cavernous gap between famous people like Jessica and Sean and regular folk like me.
Now utterly depressed, I clenched my stupid non-perfect hands into fists and turned my attention back to the screen just in time to see Sean’s response to her groping. He had tolerated Jessica’s touch for no more than a second or two, before giving a thin, fake smile and discreetly shifting his leg away, which delighted me.
Apparently sensing she should change tack, Jessica sat herself up again and persevered with her questioning. ‘When you’re not filming, you seem to practically hide yourself away in your big house in the English hills. What’s the reason behind that?’
On screen, Sean uncrossed his long legs and shrugged, looking thoroughly bored with the interview and keen for it to finish. ‘Movie sets are chaotic places, so when I’m not on one I like peace and quiet.’
