by Alice Raine
It just wasn’t in my capabilities for me to deny it any longer. I’d hidden the secret for over two weeks now and it was eating me up inside. Sighing heavily, I lifted my head to meet the curious gazes of my friends and then slowly nodded. ‘Yes,’ I whispered, my one word answer immediately causing Sarah’s eyes to flash with triumph, and Cait’s to widen like saucers.
‘This calls for more bloody drinks, and then you, young lady …’ Sarah said, pointing a finger in my direction, ‘… are going to fill us in on every single detail.’
‘Ugh. I’m not sure I want every detail.’ Cait said, creasing her face up in mock disgust as Sarah batted her arm and signalled to a barman. ‘Shut up, Caitlin. I want every detail, even if you don’t,’ Sarah warned, her use of Cait’s full name indicating just how determined she was. Marvellous, I thought dryly. ‘Now, you two go and grab that booth over there. Come on, look lively …’ She wafted at us with her hands in an impatient ‘hurry up’ gesture, and I rolled my eyes in response. I hadn’t seen her this motivated for ages. ‘Bums on seats, I’ll get the drinks in.’
Obediently following her demands, Cait and I trailed towards the empty booth and slid in, exchanging an amused glance once we were settled. ‘You don’t look massively happy, so I assume things didn’t work out like you wanted?’ Cait asked gently, causing me to cringe and shake my head sadly as she reached out and gave my hand a squeeze. She was always the more tactful of my best friends, bless her. ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I’m sure we can deflect Sarah,’ Cait added with a kind smile.
On one hand, it was probably going to be horrendous talking about my time with Sean, and would no doubt undo all the effort I had been putting into forgetting him, but then on the other side of things, I had been clamming it all up inside me for weeks now and it might be quite cleansing to get it out. Maybe it would help properly kick-start my healing process.
In the end, I opted for spewing my entire story in all its ugly glory – right from Sean’s initially grouchy ways to our magnetic bond, his incredible lovemaking, and the soft words he’d uttered to me when I’d left and he’d promised to call. I’d finished my story with a screwed up face as I miserably explained how I’d pined for him even though he had never bothered to call.
Throughout my tale my two friends looked on in curious fascination with the occasional sympathetic wince, swear word, or gasp thrown in for good measure. It took exactly twenty-three minutes to dish all the details about my tryst with Sean – and in the end, Sarah really had wanted every detail possible, with her even asking me to describe the dimensions of his family jewels. I had declined, of course, merely giving a smug smirk, and saying ‘plenty big enough.’
Finishing the dregs of my third drink, I shrugged at them, trying to look nonchalant but probably failing miserably. ‘So that’s it, really.’
After a second or two of staring at me Sarah gave me a sympathetic look. ‘You fell for him, didn’t you?’ she asked softly, causing me to sigh, almost sob, and nod my head once.
‘Only a bit,’ I lied, meaning a lot. ‘But I’m a tough cookie, I’ll get over it. And hey, at least I can tick ‘saucy fling with a film star’ off my bucket list,’ I added, trying to lighten the mood.
‘That you can. Wow,’ said Sarah, still looking shell-shocked. ‘I wish I could meet him. I’ve spoken to him once on the phone and that man has a seriously sexy voice, but every time I’ve actually been at his place he’s been away.’
Typical. Lucky me, being there the one time Sean was home early, I thought bitterly. I honestly wish I’d never met him. As much as I had enjoyed myself with Sean at the time – and I had really enjoyed myself – I was now so hurt about it all that I think I would rather have skipped the entire week with him completely.
Seeing my expression, Sarah reached out to squeeze my thigh understandingly. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean that. Of course I don’t want to meet him after what he’s done to you. He sounds like a total shit bag.’ That was about as supportive as Sarah could get, so I gave in and smiled at her with an eye roll.
‘Whatever, don’t worry about it. It’s over now. Shall we dance?’ I suggested, suddenly feeling the need to expel some nervous energy and get us firmly off the topic of bloody Sean Phillips.
‘Yes, yes, yes,’ Cait replied enthusiastically, practically dragging me up, which made me laugh, because she never actively chose to dance – or do anything that attracted attention to herself – so this was obviously her way of trying to help put an end to the stressful conversation.
No sooner had we all stood up than Sarah’s phone began ringing with her unmistakable siren ringtone. It was a fast, repetitive honking that was so irritating you just had to answer or smash it to pieces. I hated it. ‘You still have that annoying tone?’ I asked with a wince, only just avoiding the temptation to put my fingers in my ears.
‘It’s the only one I can hear when I’m at work and hoovering,’ she replied defensively as she dug in her bag looking for it. The tone was loud enough, it couldn’t be that hard to find the bloody thing. ‘You go and dance. Let me just check this isn’t Mum calling about Scott and I’ll join you.’
Cait and I nodded and made our way to the small dance floor as Sarah rushed to the exit, still digging in her bag. “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic had just come on the speakers and I grinned and spun towards Cait. ‘I love this song!’ We began to dance as Cait listened and then shook her head, a blank expression on her face. ‘I like it, but I’ve not heard it before.’ Seeing my surprised look she grinned. ‘I’ve been living in a rainforest in Vietnam, Allie, there’s not that much chart music to be had over there.’
‘Ah. Of course. Well, I have this album, you’ll have to have a listen; it’s excellent.’
Sarah arrived back a few seconds later, grinning from ear to ear. ‘Everything all right with Scott?’ I asked.
‘Yep, it wasn’t my mum,’ she said mysteriously, just as the song’s chorus came on and she started to jump up and down, grabbing our hands and forcing us to stop talking and join in with her overly exuberant moves. It was all a bit over-the-top for a small bar in Buxton, but I was letting my hair down, so what the hell.
After ten minutes of grooving away to some tunes, I was starting to flag. ‘I need a drink,’ I panted as we practically staggered off the dance floor. Glancing back at the bar, I saw the blond waiter looking in my direction and flushed, finally acknowledging the fact that he’d been watching me dance. If I really wanted to get Sean out of my system, maybe he was the way to do it.
‘I think I’ll chat with that blond barman, I think he might have been flirting with me earlier,’ I murmured, looking away from him nervously. My mouth might be saying the appropriate things to help me get over Sean, but my stomach was on a completely different wavelength, rebelliously churning at the idea of even talking to another man.
Sarah’s brow puckered slightly as she gave me a warning look. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea Allie. Rushing into something will only make you regret it later, babe, especially if you’re still hurting from Sean.’
I was quite tipsy now, and feeling particularly reckless, so I raised my eyes in a dismissive ‘whatever’ gesture. As far as I was concerned, Sean Phillips and his godliness could go to hell. ‘Yeah well it’s not like I’m ever going to see him again, is it?’ I replied huffily, spinning away and making my way to the bar, trying to ignore the fact that she was probably right.
After five minutes talking to the handsome cocktail server, James, I had discovered two things: one, he was indeed interested in me, his looks and flirting left me in no doubt of that, and two, Sarah had been right. As ridiculous as it was, even talking to James was making my chest tight with guilt, and the thought of actually doing more than that almost made me feel like I was being unfaithful to Sean, which made me stutter like an idiot.
This was beyond stupid. I was sure Sean was having no such difficulties with the opposite sex since our snowy week together. He’d
no doubt warmed his bed with a different girl each night, and yet here I was practically paralysed just talking to another man. Ugh. This train of thought was making me feel distinctly sick, so I hastily excused myself from a confused-looking James and went back to the girls.
Returning to our table I flopped down next to Sarah, feeling tired, drunk, and defeated. ‘I was right, wasn’t I? You’re still thinking of Sean?’ she asked softly. Puffing out a breath that inflated my cheeks, I nodded glumly.
Despite my obvious distress, Sarah seemed just as jovial as she had after her phone call earlier, which actually irritated me a bit, but led me to assume that it had probably been a man calling her. Sarah was never, ever, short of a date.
I’d been dwelling on Sean for far too long tonight, and I was now starting to feel well and truly miserable, although I suppose that could have been down to the copious amounts of gin I’d consumed, and selfishly found that Sarah’s giddy state was only making me grumpier. Some friend I was. Mind you, it was getting late now, nearly eleven thirty, so perhaps it was just tiredness setting in.
‘One more drink?’ I offered, in a gallant attempt at remaining sociable, but in response I saw Sarah check her watch, narrow her eyes, and flash us a glance.
‘Actually, it’s late, we should probably get off.’ Sarah never, ever, finished a night before closing time, but I wasn’t going to argue, and felt stupidly relieved that I could finally go and sulk in private. After donning our coats, we said a fond goodbye, exchanging tight hugs as we made our way to the pavement outside and the small line of available taxis.
‘Allie, I’ll see you in Los Angeles!’ Cait called, doing a little jig on the pavement with a happy giggle as they jumped into their cab and I got into mine alone. Los Angeles, the city of dreams. I couldn’t wait. Maybe I could find a new dream to fill my head while I was over there too, and get rid of the constant images of Sean that filled my mind during the long, dark nights.
Ten minutes after the cab had dropped me home I was showered, changed into my pyjamas, and cradling a mug of decaf tea in my hands as I gazed around my lounge. Stupidly, now I was home I wasn’t tired anymore. Just miserable. The excitement of seeing my friends had been dimmed by the quiet emptiness of my house, and as I sat on the sofa with my ears ringing from the silence, I seriously regretted smashing my television remote. My set was old and could only be operated directly from the remote, so as well as being down in the dumps I couldn’t even watch television to provide some background noise.
I glanced at my laptop and considered attempting to download something, but it was already late and my connection was dreadfully slow so it would be too late to watch by the time it downloaded. Instead, I popped my tea on the coffee table and wandered over to my bookcase in the hallway, dragging my feet.
If I could read for ten minutes I might just manage to fall asleep on the sofa. It usually did the trick when I was feeling a bit restless. Crouching down on my haunches I began perusing the well-worn spines to see if anything took my fancy. I’d read most of these books at least three times, but perhaps there was something I’d missed. Just as I was about to pull one out, my doorbell rang, making me jump so much that I tumbled sideways and landed in a gasping heap on the floor.
Pulling myself upright I hastily shoved my hair back from my face and frowned at the closed door, suddenly jumpy and nervous. Who on earth could it be at this time of night? Edging myself towards the door as if it were made of some radioactive material, I cautiously leant to peer through the peep hole and then sucked in a fast, shocked breath as I saw the very last person I expected to see.
Sean.
Holey moley and slap me silly … Sean was on my flipping doorstep. All six foot something of him, wearing the same navy suit I’d seen him in this morning on the television, and leaning on the wall beside my door with a broody, weary expression as he stared fixedly at the door.
Stupidly, instinct made me duck away from the peep hole – not that he would have been able to see me through it. My mind went into complete overdrive. Why was he here? Surely that could only be a good thing? Couldn’t it? More to the point, how was he here, when I’d never given him my address?
Clutching at my chest I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to take an even breath, but failed and ended up almost panting instead. My heart was hammering at my ribs so hard that it actually hurt. Was it possible to have a heart attack from longing? It certainly felt like it.
Gripping the wood of the door, I tried to calm myself before I looked like a completely neurotic mess in front of him. Who was I kidding? I was a completely neurotic mess, there would be no hiding it.
After a few more seconds of wheezing and chewing on my lip I gave a short huff and ran my hands over my face. It was no good, I simply couldn’t calm myself, but if I crouched here for much longer he’d think I wasn’t in and go away.
What if he was already turning to leave?
Panic spurred me into action, and so rising from my ducked position I used a shaky hand to practically rip the chain back and yank the door open as I tried to stomp down the hope that was spiralling in my chest like an out of control Catherine wheel.
The door flew open and bounced against my hallway wall, probably denting the plaster in the process, but I ignored it, my desperate eyes focused straight ahead at the man now standing before me. The frown was back between his dark brows, but it didn’t matter – he could be gurning for all I cared; he was here, and that was all my brain and body could focus on.
I didn’t care how, or why, he was here, because he was, and it was the most amazing sight I’d ever seen. After standing there staring at each other for several seconds – him, calm and cool, and me less composed as I gaped in open-mouthed shock – I suddenly lost all thoughts of my earlier anger toward him as rational behaviour flew out the door and caused me to fling myself up at him.
Staggering slightly at my sudden attack, a small grunt of surprise left Sean’s chest as I wrapped myself around him like an octopus, but he soon recovered his balance, supporting my weight and pressing his face into my hair before taking a long inhale.
My legs twined around his waist, arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders, and I buried my face in his neck, searching for his reassuring scent. Breathing in I got a nose full of smoke and spice, and a hint of clean sweat mixed in, but it was just as good as I remembered. Oh, God. This was amazing. I suddenly felt like I’d come home, which was ironic seeing as we were stood in my own doorway.
Neither of us spoke for several minutes as we both silently seemed to agree that this quiet, entwined moment was completely necessary. Words could come later, all that mattered for me right now was that he was here in my arms and seemed to be embracing me back equally as hard.
I loved him so much.
Blinking over his shoulder at this sudden stark thought I stared into the dark, cold night and bit down hard on my lower lip. God, I did … I actually loved him. Real bone deep, stomach-leaping, heart-thumping, all-consuming love. My accelerated breathing started to puff in the air and I wriggled slightly in his arms as the cold, and the shock of my realisation suddenly made me pop with goose pimples all over my body.
Tangling one hand in the long strands of my hair, Sean smoothed it down my back as he continued to breathe close to my ear. I could have sworn he whispered something which sounded distinctly like his old nickname for me – ‘My gorgeous girl.’ – before he leant back slightly and smiled down at me hopefully, his eyes twinkling and creasing at the corners in that way that I so adored. ‘Can I come in? Or have I lost visiting rights by not calling?’
I was so shocked by his presence that I only managed a tiny, spasmodic nod, my tongue simply not responding to my brain at the moment as I struggled to comprehend his appearance.
‘You’re shivering, so I’m going to take that jerky thing as a nod of agreement and get you inside and out of the cold,’ he told me with a minute smile, and I sighed happily as I relaxed against him and let him do his caring thing
and carry me across the threshold before toeing the door shut behind us. ‘Not that I would have taken no for an answer anyway,’ he added jokingly as he shifted me slightly in his arms. An amused snort left my throat at his words. The arrogant bugger. But God, I had missed his handsome face and cock-sure ways.
Once we were inside, Sean slowly lowered me down his body until my feet were on the floor, and began rubbing his palms up and down my arms to warm me. My eyes rolled shut from the pleasure of the contact, my body seeming to come alive again under his touch as our intense connection kicked itself back in gear and had all my senses coming alight.
After a few seconds he stopped rubbing and used a hand to tilt my chin up so our gazes collided and his intense blues sliced through me. My breath left my lungs instantly. The fact that one glance from him could render me so immobile just illustrated how incredibly strong our connection still was.
The power this man had over me really was phenomenal.
Gradually, reality began to seep back into my brain and I realised that we were still both crammed into my small hallway, so I stood away by the bookcase and flapped an arm in the direction of the lounge. ‘Come in properly!’ I squeaked. Squeaking? Oh dear, I was definitely flustered. I tried again to breathe in and out a few times and calm myself.
I also seriously needed to try to stop my brain jumping to every conclusion about why Sean might be here, most of which were far-fetched ideas of him being here to sweep me off my feet and beg me to take him back. Mind you, I’d just been hoisted up in his arms, so he’d already done the sweeping me off my feet bit, hadn’t he? Although technically I threw myself at him, so he probably hadn’t had too much choice in the matter. Bugger, my brain felt like mush with all these thoughts speeding around it.
