Found: A Mother for His Son

by Dianne Drake

  So she let it be. Still sometimes she had to fight off the desire to slip her arms around him.

  Over the days, patients had come and gone in the clinic, enough so that Jenna was honestly encouraged about the practice in general, and about the practice’s ability to support a nurse. That was good, because at times she really wanted to stay…for a while. No thoughts on permanence, naturally, but she could see herself fitting into an extended stay. Especially now that she was convinced there was a real need for her. Unfortunately, that tended to work as a double-edged sword from time to time, as projecting herself into very much of a future did throw her into a panic. So much so that she’d gone and packed, then unpacked, then packed her undies a time or two or three. Right now they were in the drawer, but the drawer was standing wide open just in case.

  That morning, Jenna was tending to an early pregnancy, routine exam. The patient, Lolly Olsen, had purposely scheduled her appointment during the time Dermott went off for peanut butter sandwiches with Max. She claimed she’d rather be seen by a woman, but Jenna knew better. “I’m feeling great,” she said, even though she seemed rather nervous. “No morning sickness. No weight gain yet.”

  “No unusual symptoms?” Jenna asked. Blood pressure was perfect, and everything checked out as it should.

  “No, not really. It’s just that…” She drew in a deep breath. “My age. It’s got me worried.”

  “Your age?” Jenna checked the chart. Her patient was fortythree and this was her first pregnancy.

  “You know, all the risk factors at my age. I don’t want to bother Dermott, seeing what he’s going through himself, because I’m probably being silly about it.”

  “Being worried isn’t being silly,” Jenna said. “And there are tests that can be done to determine how things are progressing with your pregnancy, and to make sure there aren’t any genetic defects. We can also find out the sex of your baby, if you want to know. We’re not equipped to do all that here, though, so you’ll probably have to go to one of the larger cities…”

  “That’s not a problem. My mother lives in Calgary and I can go stay with her there for a while.”

  “Then I’ll have Dr. Callahan write the orders, and we’ll get things set up for you.” Dermott had actually made those notes in the chart last time he’d seen Lolly, stating that she was due for a whole battery of tests after this visit. “And Lolly, fortythree isn’t too old to be having a baby any more. Women are doing it well into their forties now, without bad consequences. You’re healthy, everything checks out fine…”

  “Have you had children?” she asked.

  Jenna Lawson, mother. The thought had always been pushed out by more practical aspects like how she could barely manage her own life. “No children. I’m a career girl all the way.”

  “Me too, until this. I’m Fort Dyott’s only dentist, and I’d given up trying to get pregnant years ago.” She patted her flat belly. “Look at me now. It changes everything, you know. It’s like I’m still the dentist during the day but I can’t wait until I get home so I can bask in my pregnancy, eat pregnant-healthy foods, look at baby catalogs, go online to baby Web sites. And I think that once the baby arrives I’ll probably find another dentist to take over my practice, or do what Dermott’s doing and cut my patient load way back so I can spend as much time with my child as possible. However it works out, I don’t want to miss a minute of my child growing up. My husband and I have waited too long for this and now that’s it actually happening to us, we want to make sure we do everything right.”

  What an awesome thing to be happening to someone who wanted it so badly, Jenna thought several hours later, after the clinic had closed for the day. She was out for a late afternoon stroll, enjoying the warm weather, glad for the fresh air, mulling over the whole new life in store for the town’s dentist. She envied Lolly a little. Her life had been set for such a long time, yet she was so excited to make a change for something so important, so wonderful. Having a baby…Jenna loved babies, loved children, loved the whole growing-up process, and at times she did think she might be a good mother. But other times, thinking like that caused her to break out in a cold sweat, caused her hands to shake, gave her a good bout of nausea. Not because she didn’t love children, but because, in reality, she didn’t love herself being involved with a child.

  But for Lolly, she was happy. So happy in fact, that she ducked into a little boutique and bought the cutest pair of white baby booties for her.

  Exiting the shop, she continued down the main street, window-shopping mostly. She liked Fort Dyott and, surprisingly, it had a nice little downtown area, with a pleasant variety of shops along a cobbled, tree-lined walkway. She could be happy here, she thought as she gazed into the ice-cream shop, and decided to go in for a treat. Inside, the shop was filled with cozy booths and tables, and Jenna carried her order of a double dip of peppermint ice cream to the booth nearest the window, where she settled in to eat it. But before she’d even had so much as her first bite raised to her lips, bits and pieces of a conversation from another booth behind her wafted over.

  “It’s good that he’s getting his life back to normal now, what with the way Nancy went off and killed herself like she did,” the first woman said.

  “And the way she almost killed Max…” the second one responded.

  Sadie, the waitress in the diner, had hinted that it hadn’t been an overdose, and now that was confirmed. And whatever had happened had involved Max. That thought turned her stomach, causing her to push her ice cream away.

  She understood how Dermott couldn’t talk about it, and the more she learned, the more she sympathized. But it did bother her that he didn’t trust her enough to tell her the whole story, and that she had to pick up bits and pieces of it in town, the way he’d predicted she might.

  Admittedly, it hurt a little, being left out, because she trusted Dermott, and she was afraid he didn’t trust her. Which was understandable, with her history of moving from place to place. It was probably his defense mechanism, something to keep him from getting too close, too personal. And just when she’d convinced herself that a few expectations here were OK.

  No expectations, Jenna. That was the only thing that worked for her. So why couldn’t she stick to that?

  Jenna sat for another few minutes, watching the ice cream as it melted into a puddle in the bottom of the bowl, scolding herself mentally for falling a little in love with Dermott again, and for developing feelings for Fort Dyott. This wasn’t her life here. She was merely a traveler passing through, and dreams of anything else would just make her time here miserable. Therefore, no more dreams. Easy as that. She’d put all the silly notions right out of her head, do her job, keep to herself. Which meant having nothing to do with Dermott outside the office. Which meant nothing in particular to look forward to. Or she’d leave if she couldn’t do it.

  That depressing thought slapped her hard, brought sharp tears to her eyes—tears she refused to spill in public, so she slipped out of the booth, then ran the full three blocks back to the clinic, hoping the exercise would knock the dreams and expectations out of her system. She didn’t even remember running all the way from the ice-cream parlor when she flew through the front door and continued straight up the stairs. At the first landing, she paused just enough to catch her breath, then slowed her pace up the next flight. By the time she was at her own door, she was feeling stupid, overreacting the way she had. The truth was, nothing in Dermott’s personal life should matter, and that included what he had told her, or hadn’t told her, about anything. That it did matter so much was her greater concern here.

  “You run good for a girl,” Max said. He was standing half a flight down from her, with an expression on his face that clearly showed he wasn’t sure what to do.

  “You saw me running?”

  He nodded. “The big guy and I were buying shoes.” To show her, he held up his right foot to show off the brand-new pair of red canvas sneakers.

  “So, where is t
he big guy?” She looked further down but didn’t see Dermott. What had he done? Sent Max up to see what was wrong with her?

  “He’s getting ready to go.”

  “Go where?” Jenna asked. “Another house call?”

  “To take me back Grandma and Grandpa’s. I’m going to spend the night there, and help Grandpa do some more painting, so he’s packing my clothes. I need lots of them since I get all painty when I work.”

  In spite of the lousy way she’d just been feeling, Max made her smile. What a great kid! If there were any guarantees that she could have a child just like him, maybe she would. “Not in your new shoes, I hope. You could get blue paint on them, and the paint won’t come out.”

  Max frowned for a moment, considering what she’d just said, then turned and tramped back down the stairs. She listened until he slammed their apartment door before she went inside her own. It wasn’t but a minute until someone knocked on her door, and before she’d even crossed back over to open it, Dermott was calling, “Jenna, can I come in?”

  “Why not?” she shouted, showing no enthusiasm whatsoever. He was going to ask her to cover the clinic while he was out, which was fine since her new resolve was work and nothing else.

  “Look, Max and I are going out to the farm, and I was wondering…”

  “Sure. Whatever.” She didn’t even look at him.

  “Ten minutes, OK?”

  “Fine. Oh, and just so you’ll know, I’ve decided to find another place to live. It’s not working out here in the apartment.” She wasn’t sure where that had come from since she hadn’t really given it any thought, but it did seem like a good idea. And a sensible one, if she wanted to stay in Fort Dyott.

  Well, if nothing else, it was a step in the right direction. Get out, get on. Wasn’t that what she always did anyway?

  “You always were a little stubborn and over-reactive, weren’t you?”

  “Over-reactive? What makes you think I’m over-reactive?”

  “Weren’t you reacting to something a little while ago, running like that? Then announcing you’re moving out? You’ve always been impulsive, JJ, and you can’t deny it.”

  “I can’t, and I won’t. It’s the way I live my life, and I don’t have to defend myself to you, Dermott. Not to you, or anybody.”

  “Whoa,” he said, reaching out to take her arm. But she yanked away from him. “What’s this about? Did I do something to make you angry, or hurt you? Or did someone else say something?”

  “It’s nothing you need to be bothered with,” she said, her voice so stiff a good hard breeze would have snapped it in two. “We all deserve our privacy, don’t we? Deserve the right to invite people into it, or exclude them. I respect that, and I hope you do, too.”

  “I know you’re struggling here, Jenna. I didn’t mean for that to happen, and I’m sorry it is. So is there anything I can do to help you?”

  She shook her head no. In all honesty, the problem was with her, not him. So it was up to her to solve it. “Look, I’m fine. So why don’t you two just go have a good time, and I’ll call you if I need you.”

  “No need to call. I thought you might like to come with us. That’s what this is, Jenna. An invitation for a ride while I take Max out to his grandparents. That’s all.”

  Her first impulse was to accept it, but her newfound resolve tamped that back. “I have some reading to catch up on, and I thought I’d send out a few e-mails tonight, too. I appreciate the offer, but you two go on without me. I’d rather be alone this evening.”

  Rather than trying to argue her out of her decision, which she’d hoped he might do, Dermott merely nodded, then ran down the stairs. A minute later she heard the muffled “We’re leaving” from the first floor, then she got her wish. She was alone. Just her, and the can of soup she intended to open for her dinner. And it was so lonely there.

  “I need your help downstairs,” Dermott yelled. “Front of the clinic, stat.”

  It hadn’t even been an hour. She’d heated the tomato soup, eaten half of it, picked up a journal to read, then answered the phone. “On my way,” she said, pulling on her shoes, heading for the stairs. So, what had he come across that had brought him right back to the clinic?

  When Jenna reached the bottom stair and rounded the corner to the clinic waiting room, what she saw there wasn’t an emergency. It was Dermott filling up the doorframe, a blanket tucked under one arm and a couple of pillows in the other. “What’s this?” she demanded, even though the grin on his face was pretty revealing. He had plans for her.

  “A picnic.”

  “I don’t do picnics.”

  “Sure you do. Everybody does picnics.”

  Jenna shook her head. “You and Max go and have a good time. I, um…I have the rest my dinner waiting for me upstairs.” Half a bowl of stone-cold soup.

  “And I have dinner waiting for us in the truck. The two of us…you and me, not Max and me. And I promise, it’s not peanut butter and jelly.”

  “You really know how to woo a girl, don’t you?”

  Dermott laughed. “Look. I know you haven’t been having any fun here. Work is slower than you’re used to, I’m tied up with Max every minute I’m not working. And I’m sorry about that, JJ. It wasn’t fair of me to invite you here and strand you the way I have.”

  “You’re not forcing me to stay, Dermott.”

  “Maybe not, but I do have some responsibility in it, and I want to make it better for you here.”

  “With a picnic?”

  He nodded. “With a picnic. Maybe a couple hours away will do you some good. Make you smile like you actually mean it. You know, be happy here, because I don’t think you are.”

  “I want to be happy, Dermott. I want to like Fort Dyott, and my job here. I want to fall in love with all the small-town charm and eat peppermint ice cream in a parlor where they’re not talking about…” She cut it off. Sighed stiffly, quite surprised she had so many wishes to spill out. “This is the side of me you didn’t know about, the one that gets restless and finds reasons to keep to myself, or even move on if I have to. I don’t want to, but it’s what I do. Which is crazy, because sometimes, when I’m feeling too settled or happy, it’s like I can’t get away fast enough.”

  “A self-defense mechanism. But what are you protecting yourself from, Jenna? For me, it’s rumors and speculations and people who mean well but don’t know better and might say something to Max I don’t want him to hear.”

  “For me, it’s…me. I’m just not good over the very long haul.” She laughed, but it was filled with so much sadness. “So I don’t get involved in anything other than my work. It’s just easier that way.”

  “That’s because you resign yourself to baby steps when you could be taking big leaps.”

  “Baby steps work for me. They’re safe.”

  “Do they, though? You’ve convinced yourself that’s what you want because it’s safe, but deep down, JJ, that’s not you. You’re the kind of person who should be breaking free of those baby steps and taking big, huge leaps because that’s what’s in you. It was there all those years ago, and it still is. But you fight it.”

  Jenna swallowed hard. She desperately wanted him to be right about that. All those big leaps got too complicated, and took her to places she didn’t belong. The baby steps were safer. Sure, they might not take her far, but at this point in her life, the trade-off was fine—relative safety over almost anything else. “You know what, Dermott? I think you should be getting back to Max now. He’s probably wondering where you are.”

  He gave her a curious look like he wasn’t ready to end the conversation, then he must have changed his mind because his expression switched from serious to a mischievous twinkle, with a playful arch of his left eyebrow. “Actually, Max helped pack the picnic basket, and he was pretty insistent it had to be for the two of us. You don’t want to disappoint him, do you?”

  Was there a hidden agenda in there somewhere? Or was this Dermott simply taking pity on her and
trying to be kind? With Dermott, it was hard to tell. “And what would I be getting myself into with this picnic?”

  “It’s a no-strings-attached picnic down at the river. Beautiful sunset, one of the best in Alberta. Good food prepared by my own hand, if you don’t mind tuna salad sandwiches and wine. Modestly pleasant company. Modestly pleasant conversation with that modestly pleasant company. Modestly nice couple of hours away from everything. And did I mention, no strings attached?”

  When he stood there grinning at her the way he was, it was hard to resist him. His picnic idea sounded nice, as a matter of fact. So maybe she shouldn’t get all suspicious or cautious because it could be that a picnic was a picnic was a picnic, no agendas or pity intended. “You don’t have to entertain me, Dermott. Like I said, I have plans for the evening that suit me just fine.”

  “Did it ever occur to you that I might want you to entertain me? You know, adult conversation, or medical conversation between two medical professionals.”

  “Which is it?”

  “Some of it all. You need to get away. I need to get away. I need an hour or two where all the things that normally bother me won’t bother me. So, do I have to beg?”

  Jenna laughed, not at anything funny so much as that mischievous twinkle. He simply couldn’t hide it. “OK, I hate seeing a grown man beg.” She paused, faking a frown. “Were you going to get down on your knees?”

  “Is that what you’d like to see?”

  She never could win one of these little skirmishes with Dermott. In truth, she’d never really wanted to. “What if I said yes?” Keeping a straight face was a struggle, and she had to bite down on her lower lip to keep from smiling. “What if I told you that I’d love to see you down on your knees?”

  “Only for a marriage proposal. And that, JJ, never comes before the tuna salad sandwich. So, go grab your sweater. Once the sun goes down, so does the temperature, and I’m not sure you’re ready to have me keep you warm the only way I know how.”