by Dianne Drake
Jenna saw that mischievous twinkle again just as she turned to run and fetch her sweater. The thing was, he might have only been teasing, but common sense was reminding her that a sunset picnic with Dermott had played into a fantasy or two in the past. In fact, hadn’t she once told him that her idea of the most romantic date in the world was a sunset picnic, with a nice bonfire and a cozy soft blanket?
Had he remembered that? Like the ice cream, the tea, her birthday? The coincidences were adding up, weren’t they?
Dear lord, she didn’t want to think about that! But the more she didn’t want to, the more she did.
The chat between the two of them was casual as they drove away from town. Some of it entailed the medical practice, most of it was about Max. All safe ground, and she was glad for that because it put the notion of romance further out of her head. Where it belonged.
Just getting out of Fort Dyott had such a calming effect—or maybe that calming effect came from being with Dermott—she didn’t want to disrupt that in any way. So they talked, and Jenna also took a good bit of time to stare at the magnificent sights out the window. Alberta’s landscape in this area was stunning. She hadn’t paid much attention on her way in, but on this little byway they were traveling, where the flat plains opened into a craggy expanse of hills and forest, the perfect composure of it all simply flowed into her, making her feel at peace, helping her understand why Dermott wanted to come here. He needed that tranquility even more than she did.
“It’s a hidden gem,” he said, as they hiked their way through a woody patch, up the side of a modest hill. “I used to like coming here when…” He broke off.
When what? When he and Nancy had been married? Was he actually bringing her to the place he’d brought his wife? Jenna stopped cold in her tracks. “When what, Dermott?” she demanded.
He spun around to face her. “When I was a boy. We lived near here for a little while, and this is where I came when I ran away from home for a few days.”
“I thought…”
“I know what you thought…that I used to bring my wife here. That’s right, isn’t it?”
“What else was I supposed to think?”
“That maybe I’d have enough sense not to bring someone I care for to a place I’d brought my wife.”
He looked hurt, but he turned away from her so quickly she couldn’t tell for sure. “Why do you always do that? Just walk away from it? Or ignore it?” Where was the old Dermott? She’d started out on this picnic with him, but he’d disappeared somewhere along the way, and she wanted him back. Desperately.
“What I do, Jenna, is what I think is best for everyone involved. I’ve had so much confrontation, I just…” He shook his head in frustration. “It’s not too far away. How about we continue there, spread out the blanket, have a nice meal, and then…” Shrugging, Dermott turned back to the trail and continued to walk, and they didn’t say another word until they stopped at a spot that was so breathtaking all Jenna could do was stand and stare for a moment.
“You found this when you were a boy?” she asked.
“By accident. I’d heard about a higher bluff, one where you could look down and see some circular stone medicine wheels—they were used by the Blackfoot First Nation in spiritual rites and death ceremonies. I was the big-city boy who really wanted to see the Indian ruins, but the big-city boy had a pretty bad sense of direction, and this is where I ended up. Not that I’m complaining, because in time it became one of my favorite places in the world.”
“I don’t suppose I really have a favorite place,” Jenna said, spreading out the blanket. It was soft and cozy. “And to be honest, most of my outdoor experience has been limited to city parks.”
“You can have this. That is, if you want a favorite place.”
Kneeling down on the blanket, she stared at Dermott, who’d already sprawled out. In the background, the rush of water over the river rocks seemed almost like a balm for all the anxieties she’d been feeling for so long. “You’d let me share it with you?”
“Or you can have it all to yourself, if that’s what you want.”
It was only a gesture, but it meant so much. The kindness, the sincerity…she hadn’t felt those things from anybody in such a long time and when she looked into Dermott’s eyes, that’s what she saw. That, and so much more. “I think I’m tired of having things all to myself,” she said, finally relaxing, finally trusting. It was difficult, trusting the old Dermott and having so many unanswered questions about the one who’d replaced him. It was her problem to deal with, though, and this was a start. At least, she wanted to make it a start, because there were so many qualities in the new Dermott she really did admire.
“You go through that phase in your life where it’s good to be independent. You have your own rules, you can tweak your life into anything you want it to be and there’s no one there to be contrary or doubtful. But then you grow up…or, shall I say, grow wiser. The things that were essential in establishing yourself aren’t important any more because you’ve achieved what you wanted toward that end, or mellowed enough that they don’t matter any longer. Then, somewhere along the way, you get really tired of everything being about yourself. If you’re single, it’s hard to step out of that. If you’re fortunate to have someone else, the way you have Max, the changes happen because you want them to happen, and all the things you’ve had to yourself become about someone who turns out to be the most important person in your life. Does that make sense?”
Dermott nodded. “I am fortunate. And you’re right. My life is all about Max now. He is the most important person in my life. So, did you ever want children, Jenna? I mean, you’re not too old, not even close to it. But have you ever thought about it?”
Since she’d bought those baby booties, she’d thought about that more than once. “I love children. They’re these wonderful little bundles of energy and intelligence and insight that can amaze you and confuse you and scare you to death. But me as a mother…”
“You have a natural instinct, and Max responds to it. He really does like you, and that’s a high compliment from a young man who hasn’t had much womanly experience outside his grandmother and a couple of little girls in town his own age he’d rather hit than woo.”
“But the hitting will turn into wooing.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. Max, as a ladies’ man.”
“Like his father.”
Dermott arched playful eyebrows. “And what do you mean by that?”
She arched playful eyebrows back at him. “I wasn’t the only one you took to the supply closet.”
“Where’d you ever hear something like that?”
“No one had to tell me. But I saw the way all the women reacted to you, and you saw it too. In fact, I’m pretty sure you were flattered by all the attention.”
Pulling a bottle of chardonnay from the hamper, Dermott inserted the corkscrew and popped out the cork. “Of course I was flattered,” he said, as he poured the wine into two stemmed goblets, then handed one to Jenna. “Any red-blooded man in my position would have been flattered. But being flattered and acting on it are two different things.”
“So you’re telling me I was the only one?”
“At the time, yes.”
A straightforward answer, and it surprised her a little. Yet in a way, it didn’t. Dermott was steady, he didn’t play with people’s emotions, didn’t lead them on. Jenna lifted her glass. “Then, to old times. They weren’t so bad.”
He clinked his glass to hers. “Old times. They were pretty damned good, if you ask me.” He took a sip, then studied her for a moment. “Would you have cared if you weren’t the only one I took to the supply closet?”
“Maybe, a little.” Dermott did have a bit of a bad-boy reputation back then, but that had all been part of the appeal. Would she have stayed with him, even for those few weeks, had she been one of his many? “Yes, I think I might have cared.”
“Well, just so you’ll know, you were the
only one I ever took to that supply closet, or any other. Reputation or not, I was too busy working my way through med school and a residency to get myself involved. You were as close as I came. So why’d you run away after we got caught?”
“You scared me. I scared me. Everything scared me. I was seeing things in myself that didn’t belong there…”
“Things I’d caused?” Dermott asked gently.
“Some of them. And when I realized how easy it was to get so out of control with you, I decided to get myself back under control. It was only a fling. We knew that at the start and I thought a clean break was for the best.”
“Was it really only a fling, JJ? Because it seemed like so much more.”
She paused, glass halfway to her lips, and frowned. “That’s what it was supposed to be. What we’d agreed on, and I was sticking to our agreement.” Lifting the glass the rest of the way to her lips, she took a large gulp of the wine, nearly emptying the glass. As he picked up the bottle to refill it, she refused. Getting light-headed from too much wine too fast wasn’t what she wanted of this evening. Although…she truly didn’t know what she did want. “I know it doesn’t seem so from your perspective, but I keep a pretty tight rein on my life and when things get complicated, I uncomplicate them.”
“By running away?”
“If that’s what it takes. I can work anywhere, and there are a lot of sights to see.” She didn’t want this to be about her any more. Dermott was getting too close, asking questions that needed real answers, and she didn’t want to lie to him. But she didn’t want to tell him the truth, either. Didn’t want to dig down to that place inside herself where the necessary answers were buried. It was too painful. “So, how long did you stay out here on your big adventure?”
“Just a couple of nights. I didn’t plan my food situation very well, and since I don’t hunt or fish, I decided that the home situation with food was probably better than the freedom situation without food. The hell of it was, nobody even mentioned my absence. Years later I learned that my dad had followed me, and stayed a way off watching me, making sure I was fine.” He laughed. “Next time I ran away I took more food.”
“But you went home again?”
“I always went home because home is home. It grounds you.”
“And your parents…”
“Living in Costa Rica now. They wanted to retire to someplace warm all the time, so they’re whiling away their retirement in a little cottage overlooking the beach. It’s a good life, and a nice home there for the family, when we care to go and visit.”
“You make a very nice home here for Max,” she said.
“It’s not enough. He has stability with his grandparents, much more than he has with me. And I always feel guilty that the structure of his life is so up and down. It always has been.”
“Even with his mother, before she had problems?” She hadn’t meant to ask, but it had just popped out. “I’m sorry, Dermott. I didn’t mean…”
“No need to apologize for what’s so obvious. Nancy was a good mother for a little while. She adored Max, loved dressing him up and taking him out, showing off all the cute little outfits she’d bought for him. But then one day she wasn’t a good mother any longer. She hated the responsibilities. Hated being held down. Hated everything about it.”
“What did you do?”
“My practice was busy and I couldn’t take time off to watch Max, so Nancy’s parents stepped in for me most of the time. And when they couldn’t, a couple of the young girls in town were happy to help. It worked out, and Nancy didn’t seem to mind the arrangement.”
But Dermott had. She could see that written all over him—in the tight way he folded his arms across his chest, in the clenching of his jaw, the frown creasing his brow. “Many children are raised by caregivers these days. It works out.”
His eyes softened for a moment as he looked over at her. “For Max, it was a blessing. A lot of people loved that little boy. A lot of people, except his mother.” Then his eyes went black. “The big secret, Jenna. The one people whisper about but never quite say aloud…Nancy didn’t just die of natural causes or an overdose, as you’ve probably already guessed. She killed herself. We were separated by then because I didn’t trust her with Max. She went to her parents’ house one day when they had him, took him away from them, put him in the car…” He swallowed hard. “She was high, according to the medical examiner. Don’t know if she was when she went to Frank and Irene’s, or if it happened afterwards. But she hit a pole. Didn’t even put on her brakes when she was heading right at it.”
“Max wasn’t hurt?”
Dermott shook his head slowly. “Max wasn’t hurt,” he whispered, his voice wobbling. “But he was so frightened.”
“Thank God he was safe.” She scooted over close to Dermott, took his hand in hers. “It wasn’t your fault,” she said softly. “I know you blame yourself because you were working and not with Max when it happened, not there to stop Nancy from taking him, and I’m so sorry for everything that happened, but what counts is the way you’re raising Max now. The rest is…over.” Easy to say, not easy to take to heart, and she knew that better than anyone.
“I’d filed for divorce already. She wasn’t happy with me, or with our life together, so I wanted to let her go and find whatever made her happy, and I never wanted her to…die. But she couldn’t let go of…”
“Home,” Jenna supplied. “Because home is home.” It was a concept Jenna was only just now beginning to understand.
He sighed. “She hurt so many people here. They trusted her, saw a lovely woman. And she was, JJ. That’s the hell of it. She was a lovely woman who never changed in the eyes of the people here. But she did change in ways no one could see and I never could find a way to make that right. Not for her, not for us. Which is why I’d already separated from her. Because of Max, she scared me, and I didn’t trust her. Didn’t trust her with our son, either. That’s why I have to make it right for Max now. Uprooting him from the only security he knows would be a terrible thing to do because he does need his…home. More now than ever. I don’t want him afraid any more.”
“Was he afraid of her?”
Dermott nodded. “I think so. He’s never said anything, but I think he must have been.”
Jenna’s heart broke for both of them—for Dermott, for the guilt he felt, and for Max for being afraid of the person he’d trusted to take care of him. She understood how that felt. Fearing her father had been far worse than the feel of his leather belt cracking down on her flesh, or the bone of his knuckle slamming into her cheekbone. Her fear was always the worst part because it never went away. Eventually, the pain did. Until the next time.
“That’s why I have to be here for Max, no matter what. I wasn’t there for Nancy the way she needed, but I’ll always be here for my son.”
“But what about your best interests, Dermott? Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“No.”
He stared straight at her when he said the word, and it was so full of cold, empty sadness it caused a chill to run up her arms. This was the old Dermott, every last bit of him. But now he was marred by time and tragedy. He was there, though, and not buried so deep that she had to look very hard to find him. And when she looked, she knew she wasn’t leaving Dermott, or Fort Dyott, for a while. Not unless he sent her away.
Maybe, for a little while, this could be home. Dermott made her want it to be.
CHAPTER SEVEN
THEY ate, drank a little more wine, explored the riverbank for rocks, and waded into the water up to their ankles. “It’s cold!” Jenna squealed, trying to pull away from Dermott, who had a firm grip on her wrist. The unexpected chill of early fall had already spread its way up her back and she was shivering. But as much from his touch as the cold.
“It’s cold because you’re a city girl. If you lived out here, it would be invigorating, not cold.”
“I’ll admit it, I’m city.” She tried pulling away again, but his h
old only tightened and her shivers only romped up and down even harder. So she tried backing away from him, but he moved forward as she went backwards.
“A city girl who’s about to take a plunge into good, hearty Canadian water coming straight down from the mountains. Good thing it’s still summer waters, or else they’d be really cold.”
“No.” She laughed nervously. “You wouldn’t. Would you?” Again, she tried to break free but this time he pulled her straight into his chest. “You’re not going to let me go until you turn me into a shivering ice sculpture, are you?” They’d let go of all the serious topics a while ago, trying not to allow the pall of past tragedies to slip down over their evening, and she was amazed by how much fun she was having with him now, doing something silly like wading in ice-cold water.
“I think you’d be a beautiful ice sculpture,” he said, his voice raspy, and not because of the chilly water. “Perfect lines. Perfect design.” The look he gave her was very suggestive. “Nice, curvaceous chiseling. A masterwork in ice, or in anything else.”
“Ice sculpture isn’t in the job description,” she said, laughing as the struggle in her started melting into acquiescence. In all honesty, she wasn’t that cold, standing this close to him. She was just afraid not to be cold because anything else imposed a meaning on her shivers and goose-bumps she just didn’t want to be there.
“Then you didn’t read the job description. Page six, the fine print at the bottom of the page. The clause that specifically states that the doctor is allowed to have his way with the nurse in the cold, mountain stream, even if that involves ice sculptures.”
“Page seven, fine print at the bottom specifically states that the nurse is entitled to fight back any way she can.” Except she didn’t feel much like fighting back. But this was just too…cozy. Too dangerous. And there was no one to walk through the closet door to stop them once they got started, the way her supervisor had that day. So Jenna feigned a stumble over one of the rocks and in the instant he let go to catch her she made her move. A quick spin in the other direction and she was halfway to the bank before he caught up with her.
