by Jess Dee
The sound of cutlery clanging against a dish echoed through her ears, and then Ben’s hand was on hers, holding it, supporting her.
Over the years, she’d become adept at protecting herself from the memories, at keeping the sadness at bay, but ever since she and Ben had started seeing each other, she’d found she couldn’t harness her emotions as well as she’d once been able to.
She couldn’t control her physical reaction to him, and it seemed her psychological barriers were crumbling as well. Her defenses were breaking down. Ben was getting through them.
“I lost all my friends in the process—which wasn’t a bad thing, considering the crowd I’d hung out with—but I struggled to make new friends at my new school.” She’d been too embarrassed by her results to put her heart into anything besides passing her HSC, which had led to a very isolated year. “TAFE was a lot friendlier, but by then I was so determined to do well in my studies, I didn’t give too much of my time to a social life. Until—“
Melissa snapped her mouth shut, stunned by what she’d been about to reveal.
“Until?” Ben’s voice was gentle.
She stared dismally at her plate.
“Sweetness, don’t pull back now. Please. Talk to me.”
Melissa shook her head.
“I’m beginning to understand. Beginning to get an idea of what’s made you into the person you are today. But I need more. I need to know everything that hurt you so I can help you past it.”
His thumb brushed over her hand, so softly Mel was astounded by the comfort she gleaned from the simple gesture.
She bit her lip and forced herself to look up and meet his gaze. “I fell in love.” She’d met Thomas and everything had changed. For a while she’d had it all. Her studies, romance and even a cartload of friends. Thomas’s mates had accepted her with open arms.
“And?” Ben pushed.
“And…I was happy. Happier than I’d been in forever. Thomas made me laugh. He made my world brighter, sexier. He gave me a reason to look forward to every day.”
“So what happened?”
“My life was rich again. Full. We were talking about moving in together, discussing forever, you know? It was all going perfectly—until one of my professors called me aside after a lecture and warned me that my results had dropped steadily over the last semester. He said if I didn’t buckle down and do some work, I’d fail his course.” She swallowed. “The worst thing was, I hadn’t even realized my work was suffering because of Thomas. I thought I’d managed to maintain my studies. But I was wrong.” She took a long sip of water. “I broke up with him that night.”
“There was no alternative? No other option?”
Melissa shook her head. “I’d made promises to myself, Ben. I’d vowed to succeed. And then, there I was, breaking all those promises.” The whole incident had been a double whammy for her. First she’d failed to have a social life and maintain her grades, and then she’d failed to sustain a relationship with a guy she’d really loved. “I didn’t have a choice. There was no way I could live through the humiliation again.” Ending the relationship had crushed her heart and her spirits, and changed her forever. She’d always remember the look on Thomas’s face as she’d spoken to him, always see the disappointment in his eyes. She’d forever know she’d failed him as a girlfriend.
From that day on, she’d understood she could never have it all. She could never have love, happiness and success. For her, the three did not go hand in hand.
“It wasn’t easy, but I did it because I was determined to prove to my parents I could pass any course I undertook. I didn’t want to disillusion them all over again.”
“Did they support you?”
“Financially. They paid for my studies, but only under the proviso that I passed. They told me the first course I failed, they’d stop paying.” She couldn’t blame them. She saw no point in throwing money away like that either. “I couldn’t afford to fail.”
“And now you have an MBA.”
“And now I have an MBA.”
“Interesting, that.”
“What?”
“That you have a master’s degree in business administration and yet you still think of yourself as a failure.”
She glared at him. “You try bombing out in your final year of school and not feeling that way. You try breaking the heart of the only person you’ve ever loved and see what that does to you.”
“I’m not underestimating how terrible either of those were for you.” Ben frowned. “It must have been a fucking nightmare. But you got past it. Rose above it. Proved that you could take your failures and turn them into successes. I don’t know anyone else who’s ever done that.”
Was that admiration in his voice? And in his eyes? “There’s no dignity in failing, Ben. It scars you forever, no matter how much you might achieve afterwards. Besides, I may have achieved academically. But I failed dismally at my relationship. I never got past that one.”
Ben would not be deterred. “You’ve achieved more than anyone else I know, and yet you refuse to give yourself credit for it. I think you’re amazing.”
Without her ever noticing, their starters had been removed and the main course set on the table. Melissa dug into her pasta, refusing to let the warmth and genuineness of Ben’s comments find a place in her heart.
For some reason, she was suddenly starving. Confessing to one’s past failures must build one’s appetite.
Expecting the linguine to be as tasteless as the mushrooms, she was surprised when flavor burst in her mouth. “God, this is delicious.” She tucked in, eating with vigor, stopping only when she realized Ben was watching her with a bemused smile on his face. “You’re not eating?” His food was untouched.
“I’m enjoying watching you.”
She quickly dropped her fork. “Do I have sauce all over my face?”
He shook his head. “No, sweetness. You have a sinful look on your face. And it’s giving me the erection from hell.”
She shook her head, barely able to believe her ears. “My eating is making you horny?”
“You need only breathe and I get horny. Watching you eat is just icing on the cake.”
“Now I don’t get it.” She looked at him in amazement. “I just told you how I flunked out in school and how I failed at love, fucking up my life completely, and it doesn’t deter you?” Her confession was supposed to make him run. Get the hell away from her and leave her in peace to succeed.
“You just told me how you overcame your shortcomings to become the successful businesswoman you are today. That’s not a failure, in my book. It’s a huge turn-on.”
“You’re nuts.”
“I am. Nuts about you. And just because one relationship didn’t work out for you, it doesn’t mean none will. We all have failed relationships. My engagement bombed out dismally. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to start again, try something new. With you.”
Unsure how to reply, Melissa returned her attention to her food, not stopping until her belly was full and she couldn’t eat another bite. Ben ate too. It was only when she pushed her plate away that he picked up their conversation.
“You don’t see them, do you? The remarkable achievements you’ve made.”
She sighed. Okay, how could she explain this so Ben understood? “There’s nothing remarkable about it. I did it to prove I could. After my first HSC results came out, I thought I’d never get a university degree, so I didn’t stop until I had an MBA. I feared I’d never get a decent job or earn a respectable living, so I searched until I found Preston Elks and investment banking. I doubted I’d have the wherewithal to last in a job like this, and years later I’m still here. I want to make partner to prove to myself, to prove to my parents, to prove to the world that I can do it. To show everyone I’m not useless.”
Ben had stilled. His attention was focused on her, his dark brown gaze probing. “So that’s why you’re so driven, so determined. It’s not about what you want, it’s about prov
ing you can do it.”
She shrugged. “I guess.”
“How long did you spend studying?”
“Nine years. But the last two were part-time while I worked at Preston Elks.”
“And you’ve been at Preston Elks how long?”
“Five years. Five and a half.”
“So that’s what? Twelve and a half years of your life spent proving to yourself that you can succeed?”
“I guess.”
“Is this what you wanted for yourself? Years ago, before your HSC, when you thought about your future? Did you imagine you’d be an investment banker?”
Melissa snorted. “Hell, no. I imagined I’d be a movie star. Or a TV presenter. Or someone famous.”
“And now? Is this the life you want to lead?”
“Do I want to be a movie star now? Er, no, Cowley, I kind of outgrew that fantasy.”
“Do you want to be an investment banker?”
She blinked, realizing what he was asking. And she didn’t want to answer. “It’s what I worked towards being for years. What do you think?”
“What I think isn’t important. You just told me you worked towards this point for twelve years to prove you could. You never once mentioned doing it because it was something you wanted to do.” He stroked her hand so tenderly, the touch warmed her entire arm. “Is this what you want to be doing with your life?”
She still didn’t want to answer. “No, it’s not. Okay? It isn’t something I used to lie in bed at night and fantasize about. It’s not the job of my dreams.” It never had been. “But it’s a good job, and I’m good at it, and it earns me a good salary, so I have nothing to complain about. Nothing.”
“I’ve never heard you complain. But wouldn’t working in a job you dream about be more fulfilling, more satisfying?”
Damn it, why wouldn’t he just let this go? Why’d he have to keep drilling her with his all-too-insightful questions? Couldn’t he just let her pretend that she worked in a job she loved? “You know, you ask questions you have no business asking.”
“And you change the subject every time the questions get too personal.”
“The questions were never supposed to get personal. You were supposed to be someone I could fuck without complications arising. Full stop. You weren’t supposed to probe into my psyche and try to understand what drives me.”
“And you were supposed to be a business colleague I could work with and walk away from at the end of the day. You weren’t supposed to seduce me, and enchant me, and make me feel things I haven’t felt about a woman other than my ex-fiancée in nine years.” His chest rose and fell. “Seems neither of us is any good at sticking to our original game plan.”
“So tell me, Cowley. Where do we go from here? Neither of us has got what we expected. What do we do now?”
He contemplated her question a long while before answering. “We do exactly what you haven’t done for twelve and a half years. We do what you want to do. Not what you feel you have to do, but what you feel you’d like to do, for no other reason than because it’ll make you happy.”
“What if what I want to do now is walk away? Leave? Finish what we should never have started and pretend it never happened?” That was what she should want to do. Otherwise she’d never make partner. She’d give too much of her time to Ben, like she had with Thomas, and she’d begin the downward spiral into failure.
Ben regarded her with dark, brooding eyes. “If that’s what you really want, then so be it. Walk away, Mel. Leave me here and go back to the life you’ve created for yourself. Forget about us, forget about this. Go make partner. But you just make damned sure that’s what you really want. Make sure it’s what’ll make you happy. Because that is the only way I’m going to let you go. If I know you’re heading out on a path you want to walk, not one you feel you have to in order to prove a point.”
Mel didn’t move. The very thought of walking away left a horrible sensation in the pit of her stomach. For the last week or two she’d been happier than she’d felt in years. She’d smiled and laughed and enjoyed life.
And she’d done that because of Ben.
If she walked away now, she walked away from all that joy.
“Is it a path that’ll make you happy, Mel?”
She stared at him, hating the sharp, jabbing pains in her belly, hating the unpleasant sensations that came with knowing she should give up the one thing that made her smile.
Finally she shook her head. “No.” There was no way she would be happy if she left Ben.
“So choose another path. Do it now. For the first time in twelve and a half years, make a decision that’ll make you happy, not just successful.”
Mel hesitated.
“I’m not asking you to change your life forever, sweetness. Just tonight, just this once, choose something you want to do, not something you feel you have to do.”
God, he was doing a number on her. Tearing apart her defenses one by one. “I-I want you,” she confessed quietly.
A long thin stream of air whistled from his mouth, like a sigh of relief. “So, what are you going to do about it?”
That sigh of relief, along with the knowledge that he’d hoped this would be her answer, filled her with hope. It filled her with courage too, and with an insatiable need to get him naked. “What am I going to do, or what would I like to do?”
“Let’s start with what you’d like to do.”
She nodded. “Okay. What I’d really like to do is get the hell out of here, go somewhere we can be alone and fuck you until neither of us can stand.”
Ben smiled then. A wicked, sexy smile. “Funny you should say that, because it’s exactly what I’d like to do too.”
For a full second she couldn’t breathe. His eyes were so dark with desire she felt she might drown in them.
“Okay, now question number two. What are you going to do, sweetness?”
Melissa snorted softly, threw her arms in the air in defeat, and against all odds, smiled. “For once in my life, Benny Boy, I’m going to do exactly what I want to do. If you’ll have me for the night, I’m going to go home with you and fuck you until neither one of us can stand.”
Ben paid their bill faster than he’d ever paid a bill in his life, tugged her out of the restaurant—with perhaps a tad too much enthusiasm, if her surprised laughter was anything to go by—and hailed the first taxi that came their way. The minute he’d given the driver his address, he pounced, pulling her into his arms and kissing her. Kissing her the way he’d wanted to kiss her since she’d walked into his office that morning.
Kissing her with every ounce of lust and love and respect that had built over the last two weeks.
He didn’t stop kissing her until the taxi pulled up outside his unit in Balmain, and even then he had difficulty pulling away. Mostly because Melissa would not release his lips.
And when he finally, finally had her in his flat and the door was closed behind them, he led her into his bedroom, stripped her of her clothes and let her fuck him until neither of them could stand.
Then and only then, did Ben do the other thing he wanted to do. He pulled her close, wrapped his arms around her and fell asleep with the woman he loved by his side.
Chapter Ten
“Damn, Mel. You’re sitting in front of me, not lying in your bed on the other side of the city.”
“I know, but still, I’ve grown kind of used to waking up this way. I like it. Don’t want to miss out on it this morning.”
He shook his head in amusement. “So rather than making love to you, I have to jerk off while you watch?”
“Mm hm.” She nodded. “Pretty much.”
Her sleepy, hazel gaze was fixed on his dick, making it grow in his hand as he stroked himself. “This isn’t how it usually works.” Not that he minded.
She scrunched up her nose. “You don’t usually masturbate like this?”
“This is precisely how I masturbate. I mean that usually when we’re on the phone, you�
�re playing with yourself too.”
She smiled. That same smile that lit up his office. The very one he’d have done anything to see a few weeks ago now lit up his bedroom. “So what? You want me to touch myself while you stroke your cock?”
“Yeah, sweetness. That’s exactly what I want you to do.”
“Well, why didn’t you just say so?” She uncurled her long legs from the cross-legged position she’d been sitting in and stretched them in front of her, placing a foot on either side of Ben’s legs and bending her knees.
“Oh, yeah,” he breathed, as her new position exposed her most private of parts to him.
“That better?” she asked.
He admired her pussy, her lips pink and swollen from their night of lovemaking. “Way better. Way, way better.” Moisture beaded on those lips, glistening in the early morning light. “Now…touch yourself.”
She did, slipping a finger right over those damp folds and playing to her heart’s content.
Ben watched, intrigued. He couldn’t look away. “That is…so…fucking hot.”
“You like?” Her question was innocent, asked as though she had no idea the effect she was having on him, as though she wasn’t watching his hand powering over his cock, up and down, fast as lightning.
“’S’okay,” he lied.
“How about this?” She dipped the finger into her pussy.
“’S’also okay, I s’pose.” A sheen of sweat formed over his shoulders. That was about the sexiest thing he’d ever seen.
She played with herself languorously, making his mouth as dry as a desert. “Know what I like?”
“Uh-uh.” Talking was difficult. “Tell me.”
“I like the way you have come leaking out your cock. Like you can’t hold it back, can’t control it.”
“That’s ’cause I can’t hold it back. Seem to…have very little control when…you’re around.”
“Bet it tastes good.” By the sounds of things she’d licked her lips, but Ben had no way of confirming that. She’d moved her finger from her pussy to her clit and was rubbing sensuous circles around the small, swollen bud. No way was he looking anywhere else now.
