Not that I couldn’t get morsels and details of my own. It was really hard to break up with someone when there were millions of images of him online. When with a click of a button I could hear his voice whenever I wanted. See his beautiful face. Watch him gazing adoringly at Aliana the same way he used to look at me.
I’d been so stupid.
But I was tired of remembering how dumb I was. So instead I answered her question by saying, “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Other than the Snickers bars today, I haven’t really been eating or sleeping. And those are my two best events. I was also considering giving myself bangs.”
“That kind of talk stops here,” she told me. “I am not going to let you cut your own hair while you’re sad. Just like I wouldn’t let you go to the grocery store if you were hungry. Mistakes will be made and regrets will be had. Speaking of food, do you want me to make you something to eat?”
I hugged my pillow tighter. “I don’t want you to cook for me.” Noah cooked for me and it just felt like too much. “Why did you let me date him? I feel like part of this is on you.”
“It is all my fault,” she agreed, trying to take the burden from me, only it didn’t help. It just made me feel guiltier, because of course, she’d played no part in my downfall. She’d actively encouraged me to try to prevent it. But wouldn’t it have hurt just as much then as it did now?
“No, you were right. I should have told him. But either way, he would have left. Just like my dad.”
“I feel like that’s a whole other thing that I’m not qualified to get into with you, but maybe that’s another reason you kept your secret. Because you were convinced that no matter what you did, in the end, Noah would leave. And this way you got to justify your belief by causing it.”
Whoa, that was way too deep for somebody who had just eaten ten candy bars. Maybe what she said had merit. I’d have to think about it. When my brain wasn’t so sad.
She went into the kitchen. “You have to eat. Actual food.” She checked my empty fridge. “Okay, I’m ordering delivery. You’re having Chinese.”
“Snickers is actual food. It has peanuts. That’s protein.”
“I’m serious, Juliet. I’m going to tough love you here. You’re going to eat, and tomorrow you’re going to wake up and go clean some dogs and find new clients. Maybe even take up a hobby or something.”
“I was considering alcoholism, but I can’t afford it.”
“Which is why you have to start working again and stop delaying your appointments.” I never should have told her about that. “I understand what you’re going through. It would have killed me if I ever lost Allan.”
I didn’t remind her that she almost had, what with her being willing to break up with him to protect him. I was like her polar opposite, selfishly hanging on to Noah without giving him all the facts. Hiding it from him.
And from myself.
Everything I’d ever asked him to do, he’d done without question. And all he’d ever wanted from me was my honesty, and I couldn’t even give him that.
I was tired of thinking about me and my pathetic lack of a life. “Things are better with Harmony?”
She smiled, her first real one since she’d arrived. “She has bought so many baby clothes, and we don’t even know the sex of the baby yet. She’s very excited to be a grandma. Although she wants us to have the baby call her Gigi, and I’m still deciding how I feel about that.”
It was nice that good things were happening in the world. I tried to say that, but instead I started crying again. It happened a lot recently.
“Sweetie,” she said, hugging me. “I know. I thought for sure you guys were going to make it. You had this relationship like me and Allan—you would have kept him grounded and stopped him from getting a big head, and he would have reminded you to have fun and done romantic things like fly you to Las Vegas just because.”
And the fact that she was willing to say something about him actually stopped my tears. It surprised me; I would have expected her words to make me feel worse, but instead they made me think that I hadn’t made it all up. He had loved me and we were good together.
We’d shared something special, even if we didn’t have it anymore.
“I never told him I loved him,” I confessed.
“I’m not surprised. That wouldn’t have been easy for you to say to anyone. Again, dad issues and kissing phobia, but how could you have said that when you knew deep in your heart you weren’t being totally truthful with him?”
That hit me hard, piercing me like a knife. That’s why I hadn’t been able to tell him. How did she always see me so clearly when I ran around not knowing why I did half the stuff I did?
She sighed and said, “I’m going to tell you this and then we have to stop talking about him, because it’s going to make you sadder, okay?”
I nodded, probably too eagerly.
“He is so miserable without you. He pretends like he’s okay, but I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. He misses you like crazy.”
“Does he ask about me?”
“No.” Her eyes were full of sympathy, and I told myself I wasn’t going to cry again because I was tired of being dehydrated. “But I do tell him some things about you.”
There was a knock at the door, and she went to answer it. Our food had arrived from the restaurant around the corner.
And I knew she’d told me the things she had to make me feel better. Maybe feel not so alone because he was just as sad.
But instead it made me feel worse. I didn’t want him to be suffering, because I knew that I was the cause of that.
She stayed and ate with me, refusing to leave until I’d eaten half a container of beef with broccoli. Turned out I was hungry for real food. Well, takeout food, which was kind of the same thing. I decided I should probably go to the store and get some vegetables and citrus so that I didn’t die of scurvy.
About an hour after she left, my phone rang. A restricted number. My heart lurched so hard in my chest that I was surprised it hadn’t accidentally burst through the side. Hope furiously bloomed inside my chest.
“Hello?”
“Hello? Is this Juliet?”
That hope imploded, leaving me hollow again. I was so desperate for it to be his voice on the other end that it almost felt like losing him all over again when it wasn’t.
“Yes, this is her.”
“This is Lily, Lily Ramsey. We met at Noah’s house?”
I straightened up. “Yes, I remember. How are you?”
“Good, thanks. Yourself?”
Oh, well, famous actress Lily Ramsey, my life is in utter shambles right now and I’ve eaten so much sugar I might actually go into a coma. Thanks so much for asking! “I’m good,” I lied.
“I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I forgot to follow up with you about coming over to groom my dog. Noah reminded me earlier, and that’s why I’m calling.”
My heart went into my throat, beating rapidly. “He . . . reached out to you? Today?”
“Yes. Why?”
Tears blurred my vision, and I was glad we weren’t face-to-face. He didn’t want anything to do with me, but he was calling his celebrity friends to use my services. Just like he’d promised he would when we’d first met. That had to mean something, didn’t it? “No reason. I was just curious. But I’d love to schedule a time to come over and take care of Blueberry.”
“I can’t believe you remembered his name after all this time! I’m impressed!”
She shouldn’t have been. I felt doomed to remember every single thing associated with Noah for the rest of my life. “What day and time would work for you?” I asked, and we set up an appointment.
After we hung up, I realized Shelby was right, as usual, and this time I wasn’t going to ignore her advice. It was time to go back out into the world and do what I could to move on.
There were other phone calls: one from Zoe Covington, who invited me to stay for lunch after I
groomed Nemo, and two from celebrities that I’d heard of but never met. Noah again, doing what he had promised, even though he was furious with me. This made me feel even more guilty that he was so honorable and kept his word and I just generally sucked.
But I wasn’t going to let that get me down. The next morning I was cleaning out my van and reached under the passenger seat and felt something furry. I pulled out Sunshine’s teddy bear. I felt bad that I hadn’t looked for it sooner and decided to return it to Gladys immediately.
I probably should have texted or called first, but I wanted to see Noah’s house, even from a distance. It might have been pathetic, but I wasn’t claiming the high moral ground here. When I got to the gate, my heart pounded in anticipation that Noah might have told them not to let me in. But they just waved me through, which was also a testament to how much time I’d spent here.
When I got to Gladys’s house, I gripped the steering wheel tightly, steeling myself. And I was not ready to see his house, even though I’d been trying to psych myself up for it. It sent pangs of emotion through me when I caught a glimpse. There were people outside, and I guessed they were part of the construction crew. I wondered if he was home. Probably not—it was the middle of the day. For all I knew he might have been traveling for a movie.
I went up to the front door, and when Gladys answered it, I fell apart. I handed her the teddy bear while sobbing, and she looked at me and said, “Better get in here. What’s gotten into you?”
She took me into the living room, and I spent ten minutes trying to fill her in on what had happened in between sobs, but it mostly came out like, “And I love him and”—hiccup—“he never wants to see me again”—sob—“and I didn’t even apologize to him”—wailing—“I ruined everything” until she finally interrupted me.
“Do you know how rare true love is? And I’m assuming that’s what you think you feel for that movie star?”
“Uh-huh.” I nodded.
Gladys scowled at me. “Then go up there and make him see that you love him. Right now. Life is too short, girlie. Despite you being a blubbering mess, I know that you’re not weak. Apologize. Fight for what you want. Quit your boo-hooing and be a woman about it!”
Yes. She was utterly brilliant. I should do that. I should fight for him. I should tell him that I was sorry and that I loved him. How could he make a decision about whether or not he wanted to be with me when he didn’t have all the information? “I’m going right now to talk to him.”
“That’s the spirit,” she said with a proud look.
“Thank you!” I called, running out of her house and up to Noah’s. When I got closer, I recognized his publicist. She was barking at someone on her phone and looked absolutely furious.
“Reina? What’s going on?”
She paused her call long enough to speak to me. “Magnus is missing. Nobody can find him.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Not Magnus. This was like the worst possible news. With everything else that was going on, I couldn’t face a reality where Magnus had been chewed up by a mountain lion or coyote. I had to help look for him.
I headed out into the hills, following the well-trodden path that led down into the canyon nearest Noah’s house. I’d taken both Sunshine and Magnus down these trails many times. I didn’t know what made me think that I might be able to find him. There was definitely some magical thinking happening in my head where I saw myself leading Magnus back to Noah’s house and him instantly forgiving me. The reality was, there wasn’t a huge chance I would find him. But at least if I helped look and somebody else located him, maybe I’d get some credit?
I didn’t let myself think of the worst-case scenario, because it would take my already shattered heart and break the remaining pieces into smithereens. I loved Magnus too much. I loved Noah too much for anything to happen.
“Magnus!” I yelled, and I heard other voices at a distance also calling his name. I decided to head in the opposite direction of the other searchers, thinking I could help cover more ground that way.
Stopping for a moment, I called Shelby. When she answered I asked, “Magnus is missing and I’m out helping to look for him. Did you see him at all today?”
“What are you doing at Noah’s? No, that doesn’t matter if Magnus is missing. You can explain later. I haven’t seen him because I haven’t been to the house today. Isn’t he microchipped? Can’t you track him down that way?”
“It’s not a GPS tracker.” Although given Magnus’s history, Noah should probably get one for him. “It just means if someone finds him they can scan it and get Noah’s information to contact him.”
“Do you need me to come help you look?”
“No, there are a lot of people here.”
She asked me to keep her posted, and I told her I would.
I found myself heading down toward a stream that Sunshine particularly loved to splash around in. It was definitely off the beaten path. I kept calling Magnus’s name. It took me about twenty minutes to get there, and when I came over the ridge I saw—the stream. No Magnus like I’d hoped. I decided to press on, still yelling for him. I couldn’t hear anyone else’s voices, so it seemed like a good idea.
An hour later I was almost hoarse from saying his name, and I could feel the way my skin was burning under the sun. The sky was overcast and it was cooler, so I’d forgotten the very real need I had for sunscreen when I was outside this long.
I came to a stop. I was getting thirsty and burned. I’d have to head back. I tried one last time. “Magnus!”
Then I heard something. It sounded like a whimper. I called his name again, and this time there was a definite bark. I followed it and found Magnus, his collar caught in a bush. My heart leaped at the sight of him, so glad he was safe. And at the very least I could give Noah this.
“You naughty boy, why do you keep doing this?” I asked and hugged him tightly. He licked my face in response, his tail wagging, and he seemed very happy to see me.
It took me a second to get him free, as he’d really managed to tangle himself up in the thorny vegetation. When I got him loose, I held on to his collar, but he sat and didn’t seem in a hurry to go anywhere. “Let me check you out.”
I wasn’t a vet or anything, but he didn’t seem to be bleeding, which I figured was a good sign. “Are you okay?” I asked, and he just looked up at me with doggy love in his eyes, and I hugged him again.
It took me a while to get him back to Noah’s, because I could only walk so fast hunched over and hanging on to Magnus’s collar. I couldn’t risk him running off again, and who knew if he had been properly chastened by his adventure or if he was ready for another one?
Someone spotted me as I got closer to the main trail and called out, “There he is! Magnus!”
I saw Noah running over a crest, skidding down until he came to a stop in front of us. I couldn’t catch my breath looking at him. It had been so long and I had missed him so much that it made me ache with need.
And it was like he was torn on what to say. I could see his relief at Magnus being found but his uncertainty about what to do with me.
“Juliet? What are you doing here? How did you find him?”
“I was bringing something to Gladys and Reina told me that Magnus was missing and I . . . I couldn’t bear the idea of you losing him.”
Again, I saw the pain and confusion in his eyes. “Your skin is all red.”
I held out one of my hands in front of me. “Little bit. But it was worth it.”
“You did that for . . .” His voice trailed off. He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he stooped down to pick up his dog and carry him back inside.
That was it. Conversation over. I was never going to see him again. Pinpricks of pain lanced my gut, and I put my hand on my stomach, as if I was trying to hold everything in. I didn’t want to cry and yell his name.
Then he turned slightly. “Do you want to come inside and get something to drink?” he asked.
&
nbsp; “Yes.” More than I’d ever wanted anything.
There was a crowd of people at his house, and once they saw that Magnus had returned, they started calling the other searchers and telling them he was safe. Then they began leaving after telling Noah how glad they were that Magnus was back home. Magnus seemed to be loving the attention of everybody who petted him and told him not to run off again.
I went to wait in the library. New hardwood floors had been laid down, but there was rough drywall on the interior walls. The weight of being in this house again pressed down on me. I tried to gather my thoughts, to figure out exactly what I was going to say, but they were scattering in a thousand different directions and I couldn’t slow them down.
Noah entered the room, handing me a cold water bottle.
“Thank you,” I said, opening it and drinking a large gulp.
Magnus came over to me, resting his head on my lap, as if to tell me he missed me. I scratched under his chin while my heart felt like a bomb about to detonate. Would Noah talk first or should I?
He retreated to stand in the doorway, his arms folded, his body language telling me he didn’t want me there.
“I’m sorry,” I said, the words spilling out of me. “I never got to apologize to you and I want to do that now. I’m sorry that I hurt you. That was the last thing I would ever want to do.”
“But you did it anyway. I told you how important the truth is to me.”
“I know,” I said, grasping on to Magnus’s fur to help me feel grounded. “I should have said something earlier. But this wasn’t a scheme. I wasn’t trying to trick you. Just deflate your ego a little bit. Then we started hanging out and you hired Shelby and she really needed this job. I told myself that I was protecting her.”
His eyes still seemed flat. “I know you’d do anything for her.”
“Yes. But once I got to really know you, that didn’t work as an excuse any longer. I know the kind of man you are, and you’d never fire her because you were angry with me.” Which he’d already proven by keeping her on even though we were broken up. “And the night we met, if I’d had any clue about how gentle and good and loving you were, I never would have lied to you. I thought you were some arrogant jerk. I wish I’d known better. It was never a scheme or a ploy to get you to like me. I’m not insane.”
The Seat Filler: A Novel Page 27
