by Maisey Yates
He looked down and it suddenly struck her as almost funny that they were having an argument with her in her underwear and heels and him completely naked. Almost funny.
“I’m not handling it. You’re right. It’s not the time. Just… get your stuff and let’s go upstairs.”
Her mouth dropped open. “Excuse me?”
“Get your clothes and let’s go upstairs,” he repeated.
“After this? I don’t think so.”
“Everything was going great, Lucy. Let’s just forget this happened.”
“No,” she said. “No, I’m not going to forget it just because it’s inconvenient for you. I’m not going to go upstairs and just go on with the ‘sex only’ thing when I want more. I am so damned tired of taking half, Mac. I took it for far too long in my marriage and I will not take it from you, or from anyone else ever again. I want it all. I want a man who loves me—more than that, I want a man who isn’t too afraid to let himself love me.”
“You think I’m afraid?”
“Yes, I think you’re afraid. No, I know you are. Because your parents are such a disaster. Because you’ve seen love play out badly. I’ve lived it. I have walked that road myself.”
“So why the hell would you ever do it again? Why would you risk a good thing for something I’m not even sure exists?”
She swallowed and looked down at the floor. “Did you ever think that maybe what I had, what you saw, wasn’t love? Maybe it’s not that love doesn’t exist, it’s just that very selfish people misidentify it. They say they love someone, but what they really love is themselves. Their own comfort. Maybe that’s what we’ve experienced. But that’s not what we have. Not what we could have.”
Mac shook his head. “If you have to believe that, Lucy, I understand. But I don’t. I just think it’s asking for a life filled with a bunch of fighting and pain. And my parents brought kids into it. They made us be a part of it. I’m not doing it.”
“I didn’t think you were a coward, Mac.”
A muscled jerked in Mac’s jaw, and his teeth clenched tightly together. She could tell he wanted to say something. That he wanted to yell, even. But he didn’t. Instead, he backed away. “I bet you’ll be wanting to find another place to work.”
“Maybe eventually,” she said. “But I’m not just going to quit working here.”
“Oh, really?”
She crossed her arms beneath her breasts. “I need this job. I’m not walking away from it over some hurt feelings. I’ll get over it. I’ve learned enough about myself over the past few months to know that. And to know that I survive heartbreak pretty well.”
Not this kind though. Her love for Daniel had eroded slowly over time. A casualty of his behavior. His harsh words.
This was a sharp break in her heart. The loss of a man who had given up before they’d ever really tried. The loss of something that could have been amazing.
“If you’re staying anyway,” he said, “why don’t you stay with me?”
She shook her head. “No. And I hate that I have to say that. But it’s time I lived on my terms, and not just someone else’s. It’s time I asked for what I want and actually expect to get it. I love you. If you decide you love me, if you decide not to be scared, if you decide you want more than just sex and common courtesy, then you run to me, and don’t wait. But until then… until then it has to be done.”
She bent down and picked up her dress, sliding it back over her curves and zipping it. She put her hand on her chest. The throbbing in there, around her heart, was physical, so painful it blindsided her.
She had done what she needed to. She’d made a decision for herself. She’d demanded more. Demanded what she deserved.
It sucked a whole lot more than she’d imagined it would.
Because part of her just wanted to run back to him and say, hell yeah, let’s keep having the sweaty sex. But there was something new inside of her, a core of strength that she couldn’t ignore, didn’t want to ignore. And that strength wouldn’t allow her to bend.
Not anymore. She’d spent too many years so bent she’d nearly broken.
And if she just bowed down and let go of everything that mattered to her, she wouldn’t even be the kind of woman Mac would care for. More importantly, she wouldn’t be a woman she could care about.
But it still sucked.
***
Mac didn’t want to get out of bed. He couldn’t remember that ever happening to him. Not even after an all-night bender. Because he was a rancher, and that meant getting up at the ass-crack of dawn. It meant putting on his boots and his hat and getting in gear.
Daylight was precious, and his land was his livelihood.
But right now, he figured daylight and his livelihood could go to hell. He was already there.
How could the absence of someone feel so miserable? He was used to the presence of a woman making him miserable. It was why God had invented breaking up.
Usually, after a breakup he felt light and free. Now he felt hungover, and he hadn’t even gotten that drunk.
The simple truth was, when he thought about love and marriage, he was filled with bone-deep terror. It was why he’d generally avoided thinking about it. It was why his relationships always ended early. So he never had to face it. So he never had to deal with the fact that he was afraid. Lucy was right—he was a coward.
He was afraid of being the callous bastard his father was. Afraid of being stupid like his mother. He didn’t know which thought scared him more. But he’d never seen it go another way. And when he thought of being locked in that endless hell with someone… he just couldn’t even entertain it.
No matter how much it hurt now, it would hurt worse later. For both of them.
Which meant no matter how much he wanted Lucy, no matter how much he wanted to tell her whatever she needed to hear to keep her in his bed, his life, he had to let her go.
He growled and threw the covers off, planting his feet flat on the floor. He had things to take care of. He didn’t have time to wallow. And still, all he wanted to do was wallow.
“Sad sack,” he muttered, forcing himself to stand up.
He’d always assumed his life experiences had just beaten the ability to love right out of him. But it turned out that wasn’t true. He could love. He was just too damn afraid to do anything about it.
Anything other than hurt.
Chapter Eleven
Lucy felt proud of herself. She’d made it through two weeks of working at Mac’s house without falling into his bed or falling apart. And neither was any mean feat.
The man was gorgeous and frequently walked around shirtless looking like a dessert. He was visual cake, and she wanted to lick all the icing off.
And then there were the moments when the pain of not being with him, of not having an emotional connection, hurt so bad she thought she was dying a little.
They barely spoke. He barely looked at her. They were almost worse than they’d been when she’d first shown up on his doorstep. Because they’d been enemies then. But they were strangers now. At least enemies had evidence of passion. This was… it was like he was pretending nothing had happened between them.
The upside was that she wasn’t hurting over her marriage anymore. She just felt… past it. She felt new, and different.
She also had the barbecue project to fling herself into, and now, with less than a day to go before the big event, she was up to her neck in planning, so pining was a little difficult.
“Almost done!”
Lucy turned at the sound of Carly’s voice, straightening from where she’d been tying a bow on the back of a chair. Not a stiff, linen bow on a crisp white chair cover like she might have done at a formal party. She, Sarah and Carly had been tying raffia bows around wooden chairs for hours. But everything was getting
close to completion.
They’d also spent time prepping Mason jars by putting sugar on the rims, perfect for the strawberry lemonade that was going to be served. And the people who had volunteered to man the grills had already started prepping the beef—high quality, highly sought after beef provided by Mac Denton, of course.
She sighed. All right, so she might suck at love, but she was good at planning events. And she didn’t need anyone to tell her so.
Well, it wouldn’t hurt. But unlike when she’d been married to Daniel, she wasn’t pinning all of her hopes and dreams on someone else’s response. She wasn’t putting all of her self-esteem in someone else’s hands.
“Yes.” Lucy planted her hands on her hips. “We are. It’s really looking great.”
“And you’re frowning because… ?”
“Because?”
“Does this have anything to do with my brother?”
She and Sarah exchanged a look. Sarah’s cheeks were bright red. Subtle the other woman was not. If there was ever a need to cover up a crime, Sarah would not be her first choice as accomplice.
“Why do you ask that?” she asked.
“Because while the rest of us were devouring chocolate cake a couple of weeks ago, he was devouring you with his eyes.”
“Oh.” All things considered, that was a hideously embarrassing observation for Mac’s sister to have made.
“Was that a confirmation?” Carly asked.
“If it was,” Lucy said slowly, “then… let’s just say that we want different things. There’s just no way that we can make other things work right now. Because of the different things we want.”
“Because of your marriage?”
“What does my marriage have to do with anything? I’m free and clear legally. I can do what I want with who I want.”
“Legally… but emotionally?”
Lucy frowned. “It’s not me. It’s him. I love that sorry jackass and he’s way too scared to accept it.”
Both Sarah and Carly looked at her, openmouthed. “You love him?” Carly asked.
“I didn’t mean to,” Lucy said.
“I’m sure you didn’t!” Carly said. “My brother is a bad bet. I love him, but when it comes to women—”
“I know,” Lucy said. “I know. And I thought I just wanted to have some fun after the divorce, but then… it turns out there’s a lot more to Mac than it seems like at first. He’s a good guy. I don’t know if even he realizes how good.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t,” Carly said.
“I can kind of relate because until recently, I thought I was pretty worthless. But Mac showed me something else. He made me see myself differently. You both did too. Maybe I need to help him with a change of perspective too.”
Because she hadn’t been wrong about his fear. It was there, as real as her own. And it was easy to walk away, to say she needed to stand on her own feet. She did need to stand on her own feet, and she was standing on them, but Mac, and her feelings for him, didn’t have to compromise that.
He was in the woods. Just like she’d been. Lost, blind. Unable to find the path out.
No, she couldn’t go on sleeping with him, wanting more and getting nothing. But she couldn’t leave him to wander the wilderness forever either.
And if there was nothing, if he wouldn’t come with her, she’d have no choice but to leave him, even though it broke her heart.
But she’d be damned if she’d abandon him to his anguish, like her parents had done to her. She and Mac had always been left to their own pain. Well, he’d helped her step out of hers.
She had to at least try and help him do the same.
***
Mac couldn’t shake the strange tightness in his chest. He hadn’t been able to shake it since that disastrous fight and subsequent breakup with Lucy. Was it even a breakup? They’d just been having sex, hadn’t they?
A sharp twinge in his chest mocked that little lie he’d been telling himself.
He took a deep breath and looked around. The fund-raising barbecue looked like it was a huge success. There was something magical about it, something unique. From the paper bag lanterns that lined the walk, to the lights strung overhead, the live band and the candles on all the tables.
It was both country and classy at the same time. It was so very Lucy.
He suddenly wanted to be anywhere else. Or stay here forever, in this place that had the imprint of the woman he loved all over it.
Love? Damn. When had it come to that?
And what the hell was he supposed to do about it?
Just not be afraid?
Or maybe be more afraid of life without her than of taking a chance at life with her?
Yeah, that hit close to the truth. In a big way. Because the simple fact was that if he didn’t have her, he would never be happier than this. And this was not happy. This was miserable. This was “climb into the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels and never come out” miserable.
And sure, marriage, commitment, all of that, were scary as hell. But on the other side he had this. This howling void of pain, and honestly, no amount of unknown was scarier than feeling this forever, and ever, and ever.
It was true what they said. Love, perfect love, demolished fear. At the very least, it made it seem small.
“Hi, Mac.”
He turned and his heart just about stopped. Lucy in a simple white sundress was enough to make him lose his mind. And it turned out Lucy just being Lucy was enough to make him lose his heart.
“Hi. Things look great.”
“Thanks,” she said.
“Look, I…”
“Eh. Don’t start a sentence that way. No one ever says anything good when they open with ‘Look.’ Listen is the same.”
“I was going to try to make a half-assed lame apology.”
“I was right then. I really don’t want to hear it, so… why don’t you try something else?”
“Like?”
“Ask me to dance.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“It is.”
“How do you know?”
She smiled, dark eyes glittering. “Because it was my idea.” She studied his face for a moment and her expression turned serious. “What?”
He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “Sometimes, when I look at you, I feel like I just got punched in the gut.”
A short laugh escaped her lips. “Is that a good thing?”
“I don’t know. It makes it impossible to pretend like I don’t feel anything, that’s for sure.”
“Then it is a good thing. Come on, come dance with me.”
She took his hand and led him over to the raised wooden dance floor. He pulled her into his arms and his knees shook. It felt so good to have her near him again. After so many days of pretending like he’d never touched her, never kissed her, never made love to her.
“So let’s talk about that feeling that makes it feel like you got punched,” she said.
“I don’t know what to say about it.”
“You feel something for me,” she said.
“I never said I didn’t, Lucy. I just said it was impossible for us to have more.”
“It’s not though,” she said. “Do you see all this?” She waved her hand around.
“Yes. It’s amazing.”
“I know. I know it is. And it’s amazing because of me. Do you know how great that feels? I have confidence in that. But I wouldn’t if it wasn’t for you.”
“I didn’t give you the job. Carly did.”
“I know. But you gave me my first job. You didn’t laugh at me when my pie turned out to need a log splitter to cut it—you just ate the filling. You didn’t push me down further w
hen I was at bottom— you pulled me up. You got angry for me when I told you about my ex. No one else had done that for me. No one else had listened. You made me see something new in myself. You made me see something of value.” A tear slid down her cheek. “I want to do that for you.”
“Lucy,” he said, his heart squeezed tight. “I’m fine. It’s not that. It’s just… relationships…”
“You’re afraid of messing it up, I know. But do you think I would do anything to hurt you?”
“No.”
“So you’re afraid you would hurt me,” she said.
“Maybe,” he said, feeling like his throat was about to close up.
“You wouldn’t. I wish you could see what I see. I wish you saw the man who helped a woman who treated him like dirt. The man who gave that woman her self-confidence back. Because that’s the man I see. I man completely worthy of giving and receiving love. A man I wish would love me. Because I really do love him.”
“I do love you,” he said.
She stopped dancing, her mouth falling open. “You do?”
“But… I don’t know how to be a husband. My parents had a horrible marriage. I’ve never thought about being a husband or a father. I don’t know… I don’t know if I would do right by you, and after what your ex did, I can’t stand the thought of hurting you.”
“I told you I didn’t need your protection. Anyway, you hurt me in your effort to not hurt me.”
“I hurt myself too,” he said.
“That’s a little bit gratifying,” she said. “Okay, a lot gratifying, even. I’m glad to know I haven’t been suffering alone.”
He took her hand and squeezed. “Let’s move this somewhere else.”
“Okay.” There was no missing that they were drawing interested looks from the other dancing couples. And he had no doubt this would be serious town gossip by morning.
He took her over to one of the barns and around to the side. It was dark there, quiet. And he was done talking.
He pulled her into his arms and kissed her, with every ounce of emotion—all the pain, love, desire—he had in his body. When they parted, they were both breathing hard. He pushed a hand through his hair and discovered it was shaking.
