by Arlene James
"Look at me."
She slowly opened eyes heavy-lidded and knowing, her arms sliding about his neck, legs coiling around his hips and thighs. Her gaze lifted to his and locked there, her body undulating beneath him. A smile spread across her rosy mouth. "I- love you," she whispered, each word piercing his heart so sharply that he gasped. He laid his head against her breast, humbled beyond words, and it was then that he heard the footsteps on the carpeted landing. She heard it, too. Her head turned in that direction even as his lifted, but before either of them could react further, the door to his bedroom opened and his father stuck bis head inside.
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"Jesse? Son, are you—"
Caroline made a sound low in her throat, a sound of humiliation jBrt ripped Jesse to pieces, and in that instant, he saw them as his father must: the grown, supposedly responsible son old enough ito know better and the pretty, starry-eyed little housekeeper, entwined naked together in his bed. In that instant, he recognized ihat his regret was not what mattered, had never been what mattered, that Caroline's shame was nothing, could be nothing, compared to his. In that instant he became aware of himself as he should have been all along, and he knew without thought or question that he was no fit lover for this beautiful young woman searing him with her emotion and her need: he was big and clumsy; he needed a shower and a shave; he was ten years too old; he was uncertain of so much, regretted so much, understood so little, fa that instant he knew the depth of his feelings for this woman and the depth of his fear for her.
A heartbeat, perhaps two—-if anyone's heart had been beating still—and Haney retreated, closing the door with a thump. Caroline made that awful sound again and covered her face with her hands. Jesse said the vilest, filthiest word he knew. He said it again as his feet hit the floor and again as he shook out his jeans and yanked them on. She sat up in the bed, the sheet clutched to her chest.
"Jesse—"
"Get dressed." He found his other sock and wrestled it on while standing on one leg. "I'll go down and talk to him."
"No!"
He snatched up his undershirt and started for the door, pulling it down over his head. She came up on her knees and lunged at him. "It's all right," he said with more ease than he'd thought possible. "I'll explain everything."
"You don't understand!" she cried, clutching fistfuls of his shirt. "It's my fault."
He pried one hand free. "No, no. He'll understand. It's all right"
"I planned it, Jesse! I wanted you to make love to me...so I planned it"
He stared down at her disbelievingly. "Planned it?"
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"I don't clean the showers in the nude, Jesse!" she cried, shaking him. "The cleanser does sometimes splatter on my clothes and bleach them, so I wear an apron. I wear a heavy apron over everything, Jesse. I let you find me. I made sure you found me in your room naked." Finally she let go of his shirt and sank back on her heels. "It's all my fault, and I'm so sorry."
For a moment he could do nothing but marvel. To mink that she could have wanted him that much! It was ahnost more than he could grasp. But she was sorry now, and that was only to be expected. He cupped her head with his big, rough hands and pulled her against him, cradling her against his chest. He smoothed her sleek, shining hair reverently, and then he put her away from him, wiped the tears from her eyes with his fingertips and left her there alone in his bed.
His legs seemed to weigh a thousand pounds apiece as he skirted the stairwell and went to his parents' room. The door was open, the room dark and empty. He went back to the stairs and rounded the newel post, descending to the hallway. He moved along it as though moving through deep sludge and finally came to the living room. His father was sitting in his favorite chair, his big body molded to it like lumpy upholstery. He stared straight ahead as Jesse came into the room, walked around the couch and sat down on its end. Jesse tried for a long time to think of something intelligent to say and finally came up with, "Dad, I'm sorry you had to see that."
Haney waved a hand lethargically. "My fault. I wasn't thinking," he said. "I haven't been."
Jesse swallowed. "You should know that nothing happened. I mean, not everything happened. It would've, but it didn't." He sighed. "And now it won't."
Haney lifted both hands to push them through his hair! "You're both adults," he said in a voice like raked gravel. He turned an oddly uncertain look on Jesse. "Sarah says that Caroline's in love with you. She's always wanted you to fall in love again. We thought for a while with that Nancy woman..."
Shock knocked Jesse back. "You knew about Nancy?" He couldn't keep the incredulity from his voice.
ARiENE JAMES
"Your mother wanted to meet her, but I told her to leave it I alone. When you didn't bring her around...well, that was that."
"You knew about Nancy." He couldn't get over it.
Haney gave him a look. "It's a small town, Jesse, but that's not the point."
Jesse rubbed his hands over his face. They knew about Nancy,
had known, perhaps, all along. He closed his eyes, shrinking
where he sat. He could only pray he'd disappear completely. His
? father was speaking, and he had to shake his head to clear it
k enough to listen.
"So the question is, I suppose, how do you feel about her?"
Jesse gulped. "Caroline?" Of course Caroline. He licked his lips. "I definitely have feelings for Caroline. Let's just say that they're not quite the same as hers for me, not what she thinks hers are for me, anyway."
Haney lifted both hands in a gesture of helplessness. "I don't know what that means, but I don't want you to hurt her, Jesse."
"You think I do?"
Haney shook his head. "I don't want you getting your mother's hopes up, either."
"I understand."
"And I don't want you carrying on with Caroline in front of her, either. It's not respectful. What you do in private is your business, of course."
Jesse scoffed at that. "Since when?"
"Your mother says you should be on your own," Haney went on as if Jesse hadn't even spoken. "She says we've all been in a rut, and that ever'body's suffered for it."
"Where is Sarah?" Caroline asked from the doorway.
Haney jerked and turned his head away. Jesse looked at her in surprise. Heavens, he hadn't even thought of his own mother! Now that he did, however, he knew darned well that she wasn't sitting out in the cold car. He looked to his father. "Dad?"
Haney cleared his throat. "I left her in Denver."
Caroline walked into the room with all the dignity of a queen, her hands clasped tightly before her. "Is she all right?"
Haney bowed his head. "Depends on what you mean by all right"
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Caroline came to stand in the space between Haney's chair and the end of the sofa. "Is she well physically?"
Haney nodded. "I think so, well as she can be."
Caroline breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm glad for my own sake that she isn't here right now."
Haney said nothing to that. Jesse closed his eyes and propped his forehead against the heels of his hands, his elbows on his knees. He felt as if he'd been pulled through a thrashing machine backward. He wished she had stayed upstairs, but with Caroline all his wishes were just so much nonsense.
"Haney," she said softly, "I doubt Jesse told you, so I will. What you saw up there, it was entirely my fault."
"No, it wasn't." The least he could do was take his fair share of the blame.
"Yes, it was. I planned the whole thing. I made it happen."
"Nothing happened," Jesse pointed out.
"You know what I mean," she snapped.
Jesse just couldn't bear any more. He got up slowly, laboriously. "It didn't happen," he said evenly. "It isn't going to."
He might as well have challenged her with a red cape. She put her hands to her hips and glared at him. "Yes, it will, Jesse Wagner. I love you, and
if you think I'm giving up on you now, you've got another think coming!"
Emotionally he was very near the edge, and so he ran. He ran out of there like a scared hare. "I'm going to town. Don't wait dinner on me. In fact, don't expect me at all."
"You'll be back!" she called after him. "And when you get here, I'll be waiting. Do you hear me, Jesse? I'll be waiting!"
He stomped into an old pair of boots in the hallway and threw on his coat. He rammed a hat on his head and patted down his pockets, relieved almost to the point of collapse to find that he still had his wallet and his keys. He was in the truck and headed to town before he had enough presence of mind to even wonder what had sent his father home without his mother. Whatever it was, he could do nothing about it. He couldn't manage his own life right now, let alone anyone else's. In fact, he was very much afraid that no matter what he did, it would be the wrong thing for someone, for him or for Caroline or someone else, everyone,
maybe. He had to sort it all out somehow, make some decisions and stick to them. Somehow.
"Well, that was effective," Caroline muttered cryptically, dropping down onto the sofa space so recently vacated by Jesse. "As if shouting actually accomplished anything."
"Tell me'about it," Haney mumbled, and Caroline bullied her mind into a direction where it might do some good.
Sighing, she regarded him frankly. "Actually, maybe we ought to turn that around. Maybe you ought to tell me why you're here instead of Denver."
Haney made a face. "I messed up everything, didn't I?"
Caroline slumped into the corner of the couch. "No. Certainly not for Jesse and me, if that's what you're thinking. I shouldn't have done what I did. Jesse has to want me for all the same reasons I want him if it's going to work out -at''all. I should have realized that and saved us all a lot of embarrassment." She sucked in a deep breath, having said all she intended to on the subject. "Now, do you want to tell me about Sarah?"
Haney frowned. "It's not Sarah," he finally said. "It's me. I just don't know what to do about it."
"Haney, I know you love Sarah," Caroline prodded gentry.
'"Course I do," he retorted roughly. "Sometimes too much, maybe."
Caroline thought that over and shook her head, saying confidently, "That's not possible. But maybe if you could tell me why you think it is, I could help."
He sat staring into space for a long time, but Caroline sensed that he was working up to what he wanted to say. At long last he leaned forward and rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm losing her. And I'm not ready. I won't ever be ready. When you're young, like you and Jesse, you think you got all the time in the world to be together, then one day you wake up and all your tomorrows are gone. At first, time seems to stretch out into infinity, and then suddenly you can see the end of it, and it's coming closer all the time, faster and faster. And no matter how hard you try, you just can't get ready for it."
Caroline felt a little exasperated, so she chose her words dip-
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lomatically. "Haney, arthritis is debilitating and painful, but it's not fatal,"
"No," he said softly, nicking a speck of lint off his knee, "but life is, and arthritis is one of those things that comes at the end of it."
Now she really wanted to shake him, but she held on to her composure. "That just isn't so. A long time ago when people died a lot younger than they do now, it might have been, but not anymore. Besides, lots of young people get certain forms of arthritis."
"Oh, that's what they tell you," Haney scoffed, "but the truth is we're coming to the end."
She bit down on a flash of temper, but the words tumbled out, anyway. "For Pete's sake, Haney! No one is ever guaranteed a tomorrow. All any of us have, young and old alike, is right now, this day, this hour, this moment!"
"You can say that," he grumbled stubbornly, "because you're young and—"
Caroline completely lost her patience then. She launched to her feet. "That's a crock, Haney Wagner, and you know it! I have no more guarantee of a future than you do, than anyone does! Don't you understand that Kay thought she and Jesse had all the time they'd ever need? Don't you imagine that Champ's mother, believed she'd have time to make up for all her mistakes? Sarah has arthritis, Haney! Yes, it's impacted her life and yours, too, but there are treatments. It can even go into remission, but if not, you can both learn to cope, to enjoy your lives again! That's what Sarah's trying to do, to bring the joy back into your lives, but she needs your help, and you can't give it to her if you insist on sticking your head in the sand! Stop worrying about what you can't change and start working on what you can! Because now is all there is for any of us. And you're wasting it by sitting here with your head in your hands while she's in Denver fighting to get your lives back!"
Haney sat gaping at her throughout her tirade and for several seconds afterward. It was during those final seconds that she began to regret her hasty tongue, so much so that she put a hand over her mouth to prevent any more thoughtless words from es-
caping. Haney, however, finally got his mouth closed, only to have it turn up in a reluctant grin. "You don't cut much slack, do you? No wonder you got that boy of mine running."
Completely deflated now, Caroline flopped back down on the couch. "You're right. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry."
"That's not what I meant at all," he said with a rough chuckle. He spread his hands. "You just don't mince words, and I guess maybe that's what I needed."
"You don't have to try to make me feel better," Caroline muttered, "especially not after everything that's happened today."
He waved that away. "No, I mean it. Those counselors, I guess they've been pretty much saying the same thing but polite, you know."
Caroline grimaced. "Haney, I didn't mean to be rude, really I didn't."
"You weren't rude," Haney told her. "You just laid it out there on the line, and you're right about everything you said. It's just—" He shook his head. "I walked out on her in the middle of one of those counseling sessions. I couldn't sit there any longer being lectured about this 'stage' of my life and 'classic male denial,' whatever that is. I just want her to get over it. I want..." He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "What I want is to be thirty-five again, showing my boys their way around this place and counting the minutes until I can get their mama alone. I want to start from the beginning and do it all again exactly the same way."
Tears came to Caroline's eyes. "Haney, that's the sweetest thing I've heard a man say, but you know it's not possible to go back."
He nodded and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "I teow, I know. All we've got is the here and now—if I haven't totally ruined everything."
Caroline smiled encouragingly. "Haney, you just get yourself | back to Denver and tell Sarah what you've told me, and every-taing will be fine. And this time I do know what I'm talking iabout"
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.
He lifted a hand to the back of his neck, saying tentatively, "I reckon she's forgiven me worse."
Caroline shrugged. "She loves you."
Haney smiled. "Yeah. Used to be, we'd fight sometimes just so we could make up."
"Then just look at this as a perfect opportunity for making up."
He chuckled. "Good idea. First I'll call her, then tomorrow bright and early I'll head back."
Caroline sat back and smiled. "Well, now that that's settled, how about some dinner?"
He slapped his firm middle. "Great! Suddenly, I'm starved."
She got up. "You call Sarah while I get things started."
He got up, too, and she headed for the kitchen, but suddenly he stopped her. "Caroline!"
She turned back warily. Now would come the lecture she'd been dreading since the moment Haney had opened that bedroom door. "Yeah?"
"Thanks," he said gently, surprising her. "And don't worry about Jesse. We Wagner men are slow, but we're not stupid. I'm betting he'll come around."
She heaved a sigh of relief. "I hope you're right. I have to believe you are."
"Jesse'll work it out, you'll see." He lifted a brow, adding, "He's got a mighty high incentive, if you ask me."
