His heart wrenched. Was he that much of a monster to his children? Connor turned away, not trusting himself to speak.
“You promised!” Grace wailed to Noelle. “You promised to help me make daddy smile.”
What? Connor’s jaw tightened. Apparently, he was that much of a monster if his daughter thought it was her job to help him smile. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t her responsibility. God, she’s only six. What am I doing wrong?
If there was an answer, he didn’t know what it was. He stumbled through the darkness, slamming against invisible obstacles, never knowing if he was getting any closer to the light—or if there was any light at all to be found.
He turned around. Noelle’s gaze met his. “Would you…like to come over for dinner?”
Her eyes were gentle with compassion. “I’d love to, thank you.”
He held out his hand to Grace, but she refused to take it and instead clung to Noelle. The conversation in the pet store that had seared and scarred his heart was apparently forgotten by Grace, who chatted happily with Noelle all the way home. He pushed Hope’s stroller but did not miss the way Hope babbled at Noelle and turned her cheek up for Noelle’s frequent kisses.
Did Noelle realize how much she was like Millie when it came to her unstinting distribution of cuddles and kisses? But then again, Noelle had always been a tactile person, and he loved that about her.
An old memory flicked through his mind. She had cradled the injured rabbit against her chest, her hands stroking the trembling creature until it calmed enough to allow her to examine its leg.
“Here, take her,” she ordered, gently transferring the rabbit to him. “Hold her against your chest. Your heartbeat will keep her calm.”
Connor couldn’t see how—not when his heartbeat was skittering like a panicked rabbit, as much from his fight with Josh as from some bewildering reaction to Noelle’s proximity—but he did as he was told. The rabbit quivered beneath his grasp, but did not try to kick or bite.
Noelle murmured soothing words as she taped a splint on the rabbit’s leg. “It’s going to feel funny for a few days, but it’ll be better after that, I promise.” She looked up at him with an expression in her eyes he couldn’t identify. “Give her to me,” she said. “You’re getting your blood on her fur.”
He turned the rabbit over and backed away from Noelle and from whatever it was about her that made it hard to think straight. His head spun, and his vision blurred. He staggered against the wall and slid to the ground. If he could just close his eyes for a few minutes—
He heard Noelle’s footsteps race away. Her voice shouted for help. Within minutes, the janitor and teacher who had broken up the fight and were helping Josh to the school nurse’s office came back and took him to the nurse too.
That evening had passed mostly in a daze. His only distinct impressions were of Noelle; odd how he recalled them so clearly even though twelve years had passed.
Would his life have been different if he’d given Noelle’s present to her twelve years ago, as he’d intended?
If I had, I might not have had Millie…or Grace and Hope.
Despite everything that had happened, he would not have traded the happiness—however brief—he had found with Millie, or the joy of his daughters, Grace and Hope.
And this interlude with Noelle, however wonderful, was not a second chance. She had made it perfectly clear she intended to return to Los Angeles.
What Noelle offered was a chance to heal from the loss of Millie, to find a moment’s rest from the burden of single parenthood, and perhaps an outlet for his physical needs. When she kissed him, she made both the past and the future fall away. The only thing that mattered was the present moment and the feeling of completion in each other’s arms.
More than likely, by the time she returned to Los Angeles, she would leave him in better shape, emotionally, to find permanent happiness with someone else. It was something to be grateful for, wasn’t it, even if it wasn’t exactly what he had wanted?
Wasn’t it? Connor clenched his teeth against the pang of regret. The heartache—over something he never had and therefore, could not lose—was sharper than he could have believed.
He unlocked his house door and pushed the stroller in. Hope wriggled to be let out. Noelle and Grace entered behind him, and Noelle immediately went to Hope and unbuckled her from the stroller. Hope laughed as Noelle swung her up into the air before smacking a kiss on her cheek.
“I’ll get dinner started,” Connor said. He went into the kitchen and reached for the bottle of painkillers, but he paused and carefully stretched his back. It still tugged painfully—lifting heavy things was out of the question for another week—but the constant ache was bearable. He pushed the bottle aside; he’d save it for just before he went to sleep.
Just like heartache, he thought unexpectedly. You need painkillers, but you also need to wean yourself off them.
Noelle. He just had to think of Noelle as a painkiller.
But damn if it wasn’t difficult, no, impossible, when he saw how perfectly she fit into the broken pieces of his family, how she held them all together. Under Noelle’s attention, Grace bloomed like a spring blossom. Her giggles, laughter, the gleam in her eyes—he hadn’t realized how utterly they had disappeared until they returned. Even Hope, who had never known a mother, climbed into Noelle’s lap at every opportunity, as if she knew she would always be welcomed with a kiss and a hug. The toddler appeared content to cuddle with only a stray lock of Noelle’s blond hair for a toy.
When bedtime rolled around, it was Noelle who took them to bed while he cleaned up the kitchen; Grace would have it no other way.
It was going to be hell when Noelle left.
He opened a bottle of wine and had two glasses filled and the fire stoked by the time Noelle returned downstairs.
“Connor?”
He hesitated before turning around. Damn it. Wrong move. The wine and fireplace sent the wrong message. He had to start weaning himself and his children off Noelle. He should have ushered her out the door after dinner, not invited her to linger with wine in front of a cozy fire.
But what his head knew for a fact and what his heart wanted were two entirely different things. His heart wouldn’t stop hoping, wouldn’t stop wanting every possible moment he could squeeze out of his day with Noelle.
He just needed a break. He needed a dream, an illusion, even if he knew it wouldn’t last. How could it be wrong to stop hurting for a while, even if it meant hurting more later?
Connor turned slowly. “Would you like something to drink?”
“I…think Daddy’s expecting me. By the way, the goldfish in Grace’s room isn’t looking good. It’s probably not going to make it through the night.”
“I’ll swap it out tomorrow before she wakes.”
“Don’t you think you should just talk to her? Maybe she can help you solve the mystery of the dying goldfish.”
“Will the conversation end any differently from ‘I hate you?’?” Despite his efforts to modulate his tone, the bitterness escaped.
Noelle shook her head and walked across the living room to take his hand. “Your children are so huggable, they steal all the limelight, but you need a hug too. Shall we?” She pointed to the glasses of wine next to the couch. “It would be a shame to waste the wine.”
He did not sit. “When are you going back to Los Angeles?”
“My return ticket is on January 2.” Her expression tensed. “This is about Grace and her attachment to me, isn’t it?”
Time to bite the bullet. “Yeah. We’re adults. We understand that things, however wonderful, can just be temporary. But for Grace, and even Hope, it’s not simple for them. They see something wonderful, and they want it.”
“Are you warning me away from your children?”
“No, I’m just saying I don’t know how to tell them it won’t last.”
“I’m guessing you’re not a believer in ‘better to have love and lost than never
to have loved at all.’” Her tone was biting.
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what are you saying, Connor? That I’m doing this deliberately to break your children’s hearts and to make your life impossibly difficult when I leave?”
“No, I know you’re not doing this deliberately, but you will break their hearts when you leave.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Maybe you’d rather find someone else to watch Grace and Hope for the rest of the week. I’m sorry I tried to help.” She turned and stalked to the door.
“No, Noelle, please.” He rushed after her, and bit back a curse as his back tugged painfully. “I don’t want you to leave, and I don’t want you to turn your back on my children while you’re here. Grace loves you; I can see that. She wants to be with you. I just…”
She did not turn to look at him, but neither did she step out through the open door. “You just, what?”
“Would you please tell Grace you’re leaving? Give her time to get used to it.”
She turned slowly. “What about you, Connor? Will you back away now, before you get hurt, or will you wait until January 2?”
“I backed away the first time; I’m not doing it now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ancient history. It doesn’t matter. I want Grace to have memories she can look back on with happiness, even if they last for only a few days. I want those memories, too, because memories last for years, and they never lose their power to warm you. So, yes, Noelle, my children and I want to enjoy your company as much as we can until you return to Los Angeles. All I ask is that you help Grace understand that you’re leaving.”
“Will it make it hurt less?”
No. “I don’t know, but if you’ll help me make some beautiful memories for them, I’ll count it well worth the cost.”
Noelle pressed her quivering lips together and blinked hard, but how could those possibly be tears in her eyes? Why would she—?
She allowed the door to close behind her as she stepped up to him and gently wrapped her hands around his neck. “Yes, Connor, I will.” When their lips met, he stopped fighting his doubts and surrendered to the moment. Damn it, he deserved beautiful memories too.
Chapter 11
Noelle surprised herself by how quickly she, Connor, and the girls settled into a rhythm. She was at the pet store by 8 a.m. when Connor arrived to drop them off for the day. Hope toddled along the aisles, staring, as if mesmerized, into the fish tanks. Her hands and lips left smears on the glass, but wiping down the glass repeatedly was a small price to pay for her excited giggles whenever a fish swam close to her nose pressed against the glass. Grace helped clean out the cages and took the dogs out into the dog run behind the store, before spending the rest of her day with the kitten, who followed her around the store like a well-trained puppy.
Connor came by around noon with soup and sandwiches or a pizza, and they had a picnic on a blanket spread out on the office floor. Hope slurped soup and nibbled bits of ham, cheese, and bread on her repeated trips between Connor and Noelle. Over lunch, Grace described the daily antics of each pet in the store while the kitten romped on her lap.
Connor went back to the clinic after lunch. At the end of the day, he stopped by the pet store, and together, they returned home to a simple home-cooked dinner, followed by an hour or two of family time, which included easy board games or building Legos into an elaborate castle, all the while taking board game pieces or Legos out of Hope’s mouth. Hope appeared unfazed by the loss and merely toddled off to find something else to put in her mouth.
Noelle became part of the bedtime ritual, which involved getting splashed by Grace and Hope as they frolicked in the tub and snuggling down beside Grace to read her a bedtime story. After putting Grace to bed, Noelle always peeked in on Hope who slept, as she almost always did, on her stomach with her little diapered butt up in the air.
Noelle bent down to kiss Hope’s golden curls and breathed in the scent of a sweet baby. It soothed the sharp, familiar ache in her chest. Surely watching the serene, peaceful sleep of a child must be the closest thing to touching heaven; Connor had, with unstinting generosity, given her the opportunity to revel in the embrace of a child and to listen to her whispered confidences.
Noelle swallowed hard through the lump in her throat. Sweet heavens, she was going to miss Grace and Hope when she returned to Los Angeles.
She would miss their father too.
She went downstairs where she knew Connor would have a glass of wine waiting for her. They usually spent an hour together after the children went to bed, sitting in front of the fire, their conversation relaxed and wide-ranging over friends who had stayed and friends who had left Havre de Grace. When the clock struck ten, she would excuse herself. He always walked her to the door, where they always exchanged a lingering kiss that sent a flutter of nerves and sensation tingling through her entire body.
It did not go beyond that.
She didn’t know whether to be relieved that he wasn’t going to complicate their relationship or insulted that he didn’t feel compelled to complicate it. Either way, she supposed that on New Year’s Eve, with her departure less than forty-eight hours away, it no longer mattered.
The crackle of flames in the fireplace welcomed her into the cozy, cluttered living room. Connor glanced up from the champagne glasses he had just filled. “Kids settle down all right?”
“Like a charm.” She stepped into the room and accepted the glass he held out.
“You have the magic touch, obviously. Bedtime’s historically been a battleground in this house. I think the transition between childhood and adulthood is most telling in the evolving attitudes to sleep.”
“Oh? How so?”
“Most children can’t wait to wake up and start the day. Most adults can’t wait to end the day and go to sleep.”
Noelle laughed. “I can’t say it applies to me. I don’t think it applies to you either.”
“For a while, it did, but not in the past week.” He settled down on the couch beside her. “Do you have any plans for tomorrow?”
“New Year’s Day?” Noelle kicked off her shoes and nestled her bare feet in the thick, sheepskin rug on the floor. “I thought I’d spend some time with Daddy, but besides that, I don’t have plans.”
“The clinic’s closed. I have the day off, and I was wondering if you’d like to spend part of your last day in Havre de Grace with us?”
Touched that he’d asked, she smiled. “I would, certainly. Anything in particular you’d like to do?”
“I thought we could head down the promenade and boardwalk. Perhaps a visit to Concord Point Lighthouse.”
“Sounds great.” She sipped the champagne. “Oh, this is yummy.”
“No better way to welcome the new year.”
Noelle relaxed into the leather seat. “I’ve always liked New Year better than Christmas. Christmas looks back. New Year looks forward.”
“What are you looking forward to this year?”
“I’m not sure.” For the first time in a long time, she was neither looking back nor forward, but simply enjoying the present; she didn’t want or need anything more than she already had. She drew a deep breath. Contentment smelled sweet; peace even sweeter.
How much of it had to do with the man beside her, and the two little girls he had fathered?
The family she was leaving in less than forty-eight hours?
She forced a smile. “What about you?”
“A new year, a new beginning.” He draped an arm across her shoulders and drew her close. She leaned against his body, enjoying the quiet intimacy. “You dropped into my life like a bomb from a plane.”
“Ouch.” She winced.
He chuckled. “It’s not the best analogy, I know, but it comes close to describing my much altered view of life since you came along. You helped me pull my head out of my own pain.”
Noelle shook her head. “You make yourself sound incredibly self-cente
red. It’s hardly the case. You were so busy trying to fill in the gap Millie left in all your lives that you forgot that you too needed to rest, to heal.”
“And thanks to you, I’m a great deal better. I feel ready to take on life again.”
And find another woman who would love him and his children, and would stay in Havre de Grace with them. Noelle huffed out an unsteady breath through the pain pulsing in her chest. “You were ready to heal,” she murmured. “I just happened to be around.”
His dark eyes locked on hers. “You know that’s not true. It couldn’t have been just anyone.”
Oh, how she wanted to believe it, but cold, hard logic stamped down, breaking her heart. “Of course it could. You don’t have to try and make me feel special. Time is the ultimate healer, and—”
Connor set his glass down and tugged her to her feet. “Come with me. There’s something I want to show you.”
He led her upstairs to his bedroom and opened a drawer in his dresser. She caught a glimpse of two wrapped packages. He took one out and handed it to her.
“Another gift? For me?”
“Read the card.”
She withdrew the card from an envelope yellow with age and turned it over.
Dear Noelle,
I realize we hardly know each other—a classroom brawl over a rabbit is hardly the best way to meet—but I hope you’ll consider attending the prom as my date. I would be honored to take you.
Sincerely yours, Connor.
The card was dated twelve years earlier.
Noelle raised her shocked gaze to him. “Why didn’t you give this to me?”
“I took it to your house. You weren’t in; your sister was. We talked, and she convinced me—or I allowed myself to be convinced—that you would never go out with me. Not when you had your pick of the jocks.”
“Holly sent you away?”
“I realize now that Holly was looking out for Millie. Two weeks earlier, I’d asked Millie out on our first date. I wasn’t sure about a second. I spent so much time thinking about you; it didn’t seem fair to Millie or any other girl. But I guess Holly knew—”
Graced: A Love Letters Novel Page 7
