by E. L. Todd
Kayden was quiet because she didn’t have an argument against that.
“I agree,” Jessie said. “Rae pushed Zeke. We all know he would have never done something like that on his own.”
“What roses are you talking about?” Kayden asked.
“Uh...” I never told anyone about them, but now I didn’t see the harm. “He sent her roses for her birthday last year.”
“Rae never mentioned that,” Jessie said.
Since it was so long ago and so much had happened, I just confessed. “Because I threw them away...”
Kayden’s jaw dropped. “Rex...”
Jessie stared at me in shock. “You never told her?”
“Look.” I raised both hands defensively. “This was before she started seeing Zeke, and I knew Ryker would just mess with her head. None of us wanted them to get back together, and if she had seen those flowers, she might have been stupid enough to give him another chance.”
Jessie shook her head. “Rex... I can’t believe you did that.”
“Let’s keep that little story between the three of us, alright?” I pointed at both of them before I pointed at myself.
“Hell no, I’m not gonna tell her,” Kayden said. “Anything could push her over the edge right now. But what you did was wrong, Rex.”
“I know.” I would never say otherwise. “I just didn’t want her to get back together with him. He was such an asshole to her. She would have gotten her heart broken all over again.”
“There’s a good chance that’s gonna happen anyway,” Jessie whispered.
Kayden turned to her. “What do you mean?”
“Yeah?” I asked. “What do you mean?”
She sighed before she spoke. “Guys, it’s only a matter of time. Rae is going to mope around for a while, but then she’s going to feel lonely, so she’s gonna turn to Ryker. They’ll start banging again to make her feel better, and then they’ll be right back where they were.”
“No,” I said. “Rae isn’t going to hop into bed with Ryker. Not when she’s heartbroken over Zeke like this.”
“Not right now,” Jessie said. “Maybe in a few months when enough time has passed. Come on, she was in love with Ryker, and now Ryker is in love with her. She’s not going to sign up on Tinder and go out with a bunch of random dudes. She’s going to go for the only other guy she’s ever loved.”
I dragged my hands down my face because I knew she was right. “Shit.”
“Oh no,” Kayden whispered.
“I’ll have to cock block him.” Anytime Ryker wanted to see Rae, I’d be standing in the way. Anytime they were alone together, I would crash their party. Any guy was better than that goddamn asshole.
And Zeke would kill himself.
Chapter Seven
Rae
Two weeks had come and gone.
And I didn’t feel any better.
I kept up my daily routine and went to work every day. When I came home, I grabbed Safari and went on a long walk through the park. My head was down most of the time, and I counted the cracks in the sidewalk.
Safari didn’t sniff people or chase after squirrels. He always stuck to my side and looked up at me, checking to see if I was okay.
Now that the shock had worn off, I was only left with the truth.
Zeke slept with another woman.
We were broken up.
And now I had to move on...or at least try.
He didn’t call me or stop by the apartment. A part of me wanted to talk to him because I missed him, but another part of me hoped we wouldn’t speak for a long time. My heart was broken, and it would take forever to heal—if it ever could.
Zeke was the love of my life, and I had been certain we were going to be together forever. The thought of a lifetime with him didn’t scare me in the least. He was my best friend, and he would never hurt me.
But then I got a reality check.
I wasn’t sure where to go from here. I wasn’t even sure if I could ever get over him. How do you move on from the man you pictured yourself marrying? How do you fall in love with your best friend and then fall out of love? I couldn’t picture myself dating. I couldn’t picture myself sleeping with anyone but Zeke. I couldn’t picture any kind of future for myself other than being alone.
At least I had Safari.
When I came home, Rex had dinner on the table like he did every night. I suspected Kayden was helping him because Rex never cooked a damn thing when he lived with me.
“I’ve got homemade pizza in the oven,” Rex said. “Hope you’re hungry.”
“Where did you learn how to do all this?” I asked as I took off my sweater.
“Kayden and Jessie showed me a few things.” He pulled the pan out of the oven, the melted cheese on the pizza smelling exquisite.
Jessie and Kayden came by often, but never when Rex was there. I suspected they were taking shifts. When Jessie and Kayden visited me, Rex spent time with Zeke. And when Rex was here, they were with Zeke.
I knew how lucky I was to have friends like them.
I sat at the table and watched Rex arrange the pizza and the plates. He placed two slices on my plate and set it in front of me. “I appreciate what you’re doing, but you don’t need to serve me. I’m not disabled, Rex.” I didn’t want to sound like a bitch, but if he didn’t start treating me like I was okay, I would never feel okay.
He would normally make a smartass comment in return, but this time, he didn’t. “Gotcha.” He took a bite of his pizza, the crust crunching between his teeth. “Sounds like Jessie and Tobias are getting serious.”
“Yeah, she told me she really likes him.” I remembered when Zeke and I first got together. It was new and exciting. But even toward the end of our relationship, it still felt new and exciting.
“Tobias is a good guy. I think—” The knock on the door silenced him. He dropped his slice on the plate, wiped his fingers on the napkin, and walked to the door. He checked the peephole then sighed.
My heart fell into my stomach because I knew who it was.
Rex paused before he opened the door. “Hey, man. I don’t think—”
“Let me talk to her.” Zeke’s deep voice, broken and hurt, reached my ears. “It’s been two weeks. I’ve given her enough space.”
Rex continued to stand in the way, unsure what to do.
“It’s okay.” My heart made the decision before my brain could realize it was a stupid idea. As much as Zeke had hurt me, I still loved him like crazy. I wanted to forget what he did and just move on.
Rex eyed me, still unsure.
“We can’t ignore each other forever,” I whispered.
Rex walked out, returning to his apartment across the hall.
Zeke walked inside, looking thinner than the last time I saw him. He shut the door behind him and slowly walked to the table. He took the seat Rex had vacated, pushing his plate to the side. He looked at me with a somber expression, just as heartbroken as I was. His eyes already had a thin film of moisture coating them, and he looked devastated. He stared at me in desperation, like he would give anything to hold me.
Tears burned in my eyes and immediately escaped, falling down my cheeks. Even though he betrayed me, it hurt so much to see him like this, to see him at his lowest point. I’d been by his side through all the hard times in life since we were fifteen. And I’d never seen him this broken.
“Baby...” He reached across the table and grabbed my hand.
I took a deep breath and stopped my tears, knowing the sight only hurt Zeke more.
“These past two weeks have been the worst of my life.” His thumb brushed over my knuckles, and his eyes were glued to my face. “I didn’t work for the first three days, had someone cover for me. But even when I went back to work, I could barely focus. I’ve spent all my days and nights in my house, sitting on the couch and staring at the blank TV. Without you, I don’t know what to do with myself.”
“I know...”
“It hurts so much.”
“I know.”
“Baby, I can apologize as many times as you want to hear it. I can do whatever you want to make this better. Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you. But please give me another chance.” He squeezed my hand. “I’ll never hurt you again. This I promise you.”
My other hand reached for his, clinging to his touch to steady my frantically beating heart. It felt so good, like an addiction I didn’t want to break. I wanted more, his hands all over me and his kiss on my lips.
“Talk to me.” He squeezed my hands again. “I know you needed space, and I’ve given you as much as I can. But please end this torture for both of us. End the suffering. You know I’m sorry, and you know why I did what I did. Please forgive me.”
I wanted to fall into his arms and forget everything. I wanted to go back to what we had, sleeping in his bed with Safari at our feet. I wanted that passionate love we made every night before bed and every morning before work.
I wanted it more than anything else.
But then I remembered what he did. I pictured him screwing the woman with no face. In my mind, she was blonde, the exact opposite of my features. I imagined him releasing into the condom when he got off, thinking about someone other than me.
And I let go of his hands.
“I can’t stop picturing you with her...”
His fingertips opened, as if waiting for me to come back.
“I can’t forget what you did. Sometimes, I think I can let it go, but I know I can’t...”
“Baby...”
“I know you’re sorry. I know you love me. I know it was a terrible mistake. But...it doesn’t change anything.”
“Don’t say that, Rae.”
I pulled my hands to my chest, keeping them safe. “You have no idea how much I miss you.”
“Yes, I do. Because I miss you more.”
I continued forward. “You have no idea how miserable I am.”
“Yes, I do,” he whispered.
“I want to give this another chance, but I know I can’t.”
“Yes, you can,” he pressed. “It’s us we’re talking about. We can make this work. I know we can.”
“No—”
“Give yourself more time if you need it. Take as much as you need. I’ll be here—waiting.”
“I don’t need more time...”
“Take it anyway.” His authoritative voice had returned. “We’ve both been through a lot emotionally. We’re both broken right now. Let’s just...take it slow. I’ll give you as much time as you need.”
“You aren’t listening to me...” I wanted to change my mind, but I never would. I didn’t want to give Zeke false hope. I didn’t want to even tempt myself with false hope. “Zeke, I wish things were different but they aren’t. I’ll never look at you the same way.”
He fell silent, dropping his argument. He pulled his hands away then rubbed his fingers across his chin, a tormented look on his face.
“I just can’t...”
He didn’t say anything else. “I am listening to you. I’m seeing the look on your face as you say these things to me. I see the same look of love you’ve always given me, just masked with tears. I see the contradiction, the desire to forgive me as well as the pain of moving on. You’re at a crossroads right now, feeling two things at once.”
Hot tears burned in my eyes again.
“But I’m not giving up on us. I’ll never give up on us.”
Tears streaked down my cheeks.
“So, take your time. Do whatever is best for you. But just know that I’m here. I’ll always be here when you’re ready.” He rose from the table and came to my chair, kneeling down so we were eye level.
“Please don’t—”
He kissed my tears away, his lips absorbing each drop.
I sucked in the air between my teeth, feeling my stomach tighten.
He looked into my eyes, his own tears showing. “I love you, Rae.” His fingers touched my hair, gently massaging me. Silently, he waited for me to say it back, knowing I would cave.
“I love you too...”
He pressed his mouth to mine and gave me a gentle kiss, the kind that breathed new life into me. It felt so good to touch him again, to share the affection I craved so badly. For just an instant, I felt better.
And when he pulled away, I felt worse than before.
***
Another week had come and gone, and I felt even worse than the first day of the breakup.
Would I ever feel better?
Zeke’s kiss set me back, making me feel a new kind of pain.
I missed him even more now.
But then I thought about that woman he screwed and about him getting off to someone besides me. I thought of the fact that all of this was caused by his lack of trust in me. If he’d just known how much I loved him, none of this would have happened.
Rex came by for dinner every night, and the girls stopped by too. They didn’t talk about Zeke, always mentioning other things that had no connection to him. Sometimes we played board games, and sometimes we watched sports.
But I wasn’t getting any better.
Zeke didn’t call or stop by, giving me space like he promised he would.
I hoped I wouldn’t see him for a long time. When we were face-to-face, I was so weak. I couldn’t resist him. I could have stopped him from kissing me, but I didn’t even try.
Didn’t even fucking try.
Rex went home after watching the game with me, and then I was alone in the apartment with Safari. Whether I was alone or surrounded by friends, it didn’t make a difference. The constant ache in my chest accompanied me no matter what.
That night, I was particularly depressed, tired of sitting in the dark and thinking about Zeke. I just wanted to end the pain, but I didn’t know how. Sleeping was the only coping mechanism I had, but I couldn’t force my body to sleep more than nine hours a day.
So, I investigated the kitchen.
There was one Corona in the refrigerator and no hard liquor in the cabinets. Rex must have taken everything when he moved, or he’d purposely hid everything so I wouldn’t resort to such cowardly measures.
But that didn’t mean I couldn’t go out and get it.
***
I sat at the bar, sipping my fifth long island iced tea. People and lights began to blur around me, and sounds were distorted and amplified in my ears. One guy hit on me for nearly half an hour and all I could say was, “I’m a lesbian.”
The bartender walked over to me, clearly concerned by the amount of alcohol I had pumped into my system. “I think I’m gonna cut you off.”
“Nah. I’m fine.” I took another drink. “Don’t worry about me.” I put a twenty on the counter. “Keep them coming, and I’ll double it.”
He walked away and tended to the other patrons.
I needed to get home anyway since I had work in the morning, but I couldn’t bring myself to slide off the stool. I propped my head in my hand and looked down at the counter, feeling the nausea slowly move through my body. I was drunker than I’d ever been, and I knew I would pay for it in the morning.
A man approached the bar, wearing a black t-shirt and dark jeans.
I looked up at him, curious to know who my neighbor was.
He looked just like Ryker.
Man, I really was drunk. Now I was picturing people I didn’t want to see. I wondered if the next person who walked over would look like Zeke, and I would burst into tears.
Ryker Look-Alike stared at me for a few seconds.
“Go... Look...elsewhere.” It took me forever to say a single sentence because I just couldn’t think.
He walked over to me, crowding my space at the bar. “Rae, what are you doing?” He sounded like Ryker too. He turned to the bartender. “Enough for her. Give me her tab.”
I tried to push him, but I ended up missing. “Hans Solo, I’m good.” I laughed at my own joke even though it didn’t make any sense. And then I grabbed my stomach because I fel
t a bout of nausea once more.
“Rae, I’m taking you home.”
“Who are you, and how do you know my name?”
“It’s Ryker. And you know that.” He pulled out his wallet and left a few hundred dollars on the counter.
“Big shot...”
“Come on.” He grabbed me by the arm.
This time, I had the strength to twist away. “No. I’m not falling for it...”
“Falling for what?” His deep voice held his impatience.
“You’re gonna get me to your place and try to sleep with me...because that’s what Ryker does. Been there, done that. No thanks.” I waved him away with my hand. “Scram.”
“Rae, I really am just going to take you home. I’m not leaving you alone at a bar when you’re like this.”
“And I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m probably safer here.”
He growled like he wanted to scream at me. “Then I’ll call Rex. I’ll wait until he comes down and gets you.” He pulled out his phone.
I tried to swat it away, but I missed and hit his wrist. “Don’t you dare call him.”
“Then who?” he asked. “Jessie? Give me your phone, and I’ll call her.”
“No.” I waved down the bartender. “Another, alright?”
The bartender ignored me.
“I’m calling Rex or you’re coming with me,” Ryker said. “Which one is it gonna be?”
“I live here now.” I tried to get the bartender’s attention again.
He came over and took the money. “You’ve been cut off. You should go home.”
“No...” I laid my head on the counter even though it was filthy. That’s how much I didn’t care.
Ryker lifted me from the stool and pulled me into his arms.
I wanted to fight, but I had no energy. I felt sick and weak, my legs numb. My arms wrapped around his neck as his scent entered my nose. He smelled exactly the same as he used to, like fresh soap and cologne.
He carried me to the car and got me in the passenger seat. He held me up as he buckled me in.
“I might throw up in your car...”
He pulled the hair out of my face. “That’s alright, sweetheart.” He got into the driver’s seat and drove away.
