by Sam Mariano
I shake my head at him, because he’s crazy. Hopping off the chair, I tell him, “Well, since I’m completely useless back here, I’m going to see if Francesca needs any help up front.”
“No,” he drawls. “Stay and keep me company!”
I shake my head at him, but I ignore his request and go up front.
Chapter Twenty One
“What are you thinking about?”
I lift my head, pushing down the pillow as I roll over on my side to get a better look at my beautiful boyfriend. We’ve been cuddling for the better part of an hour, still naked from an impulsive after-school quickie.
Right now, he’s lying next to me, arms crossed behind him under his head, staring up at the ceiling. “Lots of things,” he tells me.
“Like? Share some of the things,” I say, gently prodding him in the side with my index finger.
“Like… I hope you’re happy with me.”
Melting a bit, I give him a little hug. “I’m very happy with you.”
“I don’t mean just now,” he says, pensive. “We didn’t get a chance to cover a lot of things that normal people should talk about before they get serious.”
“Well, let’s talk about them now.”
“I don’t want kids,” he states, readily enough that I think that might’ve been on his mind already.
I frown a little, since I never imagined not having kids. “Well, we always use protection; I don’t think we have to worry about that right now.”
“No, I mean… ever. I never want kids.”
“Never?”
He meets my gaze, shaking his head no.
“You’ve thought about this,” I realize.
“A lot. It’s not fair to bring kids into this family. Boys, girls—they’re fucked either way. I don’t want to do it.”
“Well… I mean, they’d be our kids. We would decide how to raise them…”
He’s already shaking his head. His gaze returns to the ceiling. “No, that’s not how it works.”
“Well, what about—Cherie was saying how a lot of your family’s business interests are legitimate now. By the time we would even have kids, by the time they would be old enough for this to be an issue, maybe your family would have withdrawn from the whole crime scene. Things could change.”
But Vince shakes his head. “We’re not moving in that direction. The opposite, actually. The other big family in Chicago has played nice with us, but they’re starting to get greedy. Things are going to get worse. Mateo’s considering eliminating them, and then our territory will actually expand. If anything, they’d want me to breed more goddamn pawns for the next generation.”
I stare at his profile, surprised by his calm as he talks about what sounds to my ears like a mob war. “That sounds… really dangerous.”
“Will be.”
Swallowing, I ask, “What’s your role in all that? Will you be in danger?”
“I don’t know,” he mutters. “Most likely.”
Curling up close to him, I say, “Well, I don’t like that at all.”
“Neither do I. Me and Joey… we’re thinking about trying something on our own, but… I don’t know. Mateo wouldn’t allow that, and if we tried to keep it from him, he’d probably find out. I don’t think I’ll survive keeping another secret from him.”
“Then don’t do it,” I say immediately.
“I want something of my own, something to… get me out from under his thumb.”
“It doesn’t sound like that’s what this is. It sounds… suicidal.”
Vince sighs heavily. “All-knowing fucking Mateo Morelli.”
It also reminds me of what Mateo had talked about with me that night in the library, how every time he trusts someone, they make him regret it.
“Promise me you won’t do whatever you were thinking of doing,” I tell him. “It’s a bad idea. I get why you’re tempted, but I don’t think it’s worth it, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
I rest my head on his chest, but all of a sudden, all I can think about is… what would happen to me if something did happen to Vince?
---
This time when Vince says he’s going to Joey’s, it makes me nervous. Knowing that Joey’s trying to convince him to do some stupid fucking thing behind Mateo’s back, I’m losing my enthusiasm about him. If he wants to get himself killed, that’s his problem, but I don’t want him dragging Vince into it.
Kissing me goodbye at the front door, he promises me, “Everything’s fine, don’t worry.”
I want to tell him again not to do it, but Mateo’s study is open and I don’t know if he’s inside. It’s far enough away that it’s unlikely he would hear me, but one never knows.
Once Vince is gone, as I’m about to walk past his office, Mateo calls out, “Mia.”
I brace a hand on the door frame, leaning inside. “Yes?”
Indicating a rectangular box in the corner, he tells me, “Your books came.”
“Ooh,” I said, rubbing my hands together in anticipation as I step inside. “Mind if I dig in?”
“Be my guest.”
I kneel down in the floor by his desk and attempt to get all the tape off, but I end up needing scissors. Once inside, I pull them all out, flipping through them one by one, fanning out the colorful pages.
“New books are so exciting,” I tell him, sighing happily.
For nearly an hour, I stay in Mateo’s study, flipping through books, reading when I get sucked into a panel, and telling him about each one. I’m sure he doesn’t care, but to his credit, he lets me yammer on anyway.
Adrian comes in while I’m still there. Understandably confused to find me in Mateo’s floor, surrounded by graphic novels, he stares at me for a moment before asking with a confused frown, “Should I come back?”
“No,” Mateo says, looking up from whatever he’s writing. “What is it?”
He glances at me again, then says, “I should probably come back.”
“It’s fine,” Mateo says again.
“But…” Adrian indicates me in the floor, like Mateo may have forgotten.
Mateo merely nods.
Still Adrian hesitates, but ultimately he says, “There’s a shipment coming in this weekend. I have dates and times I was going to share with you. A location. Sensitive information.”
Unmoved, Mateo steeples his hands on the desk and meets Adrian’s gaze. “So share them.”
More stunned than Adrian, I can only sit there frozen in shock, staring at the same page of the graphic novel in my lap, terrified to move, to breathe, to do anything that might remind Mateo of my presence. There’s no way he forgot I’m sitting here, right? It would be impossible. I haven’t shut up since I peeked my head in the door.
Of course, nothing Adrian says matters to me, but I feel like it matters that Mateo’s letting him say it in front of me. I feel… well, epically flattered, until I think about it a little longer. What if, somehow, this information leaked? Through some channel that obviously isn’t me, but Mateo’s mind would go straight to me in the floor of his office when Adrian spilled all the details. As mistrustful as he is, and with his record of having been screwed over before, I really don’t want the responsibility of knowing this kind of information.
Suddenly it hits me—is this the kind of pressure that weighs on Vince every day? Knowing these things and knowing what a mistrustful person Mateo is, is actually really terrifying.
It also occurs to me that since Adrian told on me to Vince for having the audacity to wear a bikini to the pool and be spotted by Mateo wearing it, he’s probably going to run and tell Vince that Mateo did this, too.
My stomach is in knots when Adrian finally leaves the room. I think I’m going to throw up, but I don’t know how to leave the room after that without seeming really suspicious.
Mateo glances over at me, but he doesn’t say a word before returning to his work.
I force myself to flip through the books for a few minutes, but there’
s no more joy in the task. I’m a ball of anxiety, and I don’t know what to do about it. I guess I could tell Vince myself? Then if Adrian tries to tell on me, he’ll already know.
Of course, I’m not sure that would be sufficient. If he was convinced something was going on because Mateo made me serve him dinner, even I won’t be able to blame him for thinking something must be going on for Suspicion Incarnate to share with me sensitive information that could legitimately put them all behind bars if I told.
Mateo was only trying to extend a gesture of trust, and now he’s completely screwed me.
“Why does Adrian hate you?” I suddenly ask.
Mateo glances over at me, but returns his attention to some paper he’s filling out before answering. “He’s in love with Elise.”
Well, okay, that makes sense. “Why would that make him hate you?”
Smiling slightly, he says, “Elise is in love with me.”
My stomach sinks, and I’m not sure for whom. “You and Elise are…?”
“Nope. Girlhood crush she hasn’t outgrown yet, I think.” Then, with a little smile, he informs me, “I’m quite irresistible, you know.”
I crack a smile, but roll my eyes at him. “You’re something.”
---
After agonizing all evening about what to tell Vince, I give up waiting for him. It being a school night, I doubt he’ll wake me up once he gets home, so I’ll have to talk to him in the morning on the way to school. If I talk to him. I still haven’t figured my way out of this mess.
Turns out he does wake me when he gets home though. I’m dead asleep, drooling on my pillow, and all of a sudden I wake up to his hands roaming all over me.
I’m a little relieved, figuring if he still wants to fuck me, Adrian probably hasn’t ratted me out yet.
And fuck me, he does. I get another earth-shattering, building from the deepest part of me orgasm that knocks me out of my senses for several minutes, but then I feel more wetness between my legs than I expect to. A lot more. I’m tummy down on the bed after doggie style, Vince’s arm thrown across my back as he catches his breath. Reaching down between my legs, I realize something’s wrong.
“Vince… can you check the condom?” Patting the sheets, also wet and sticky, I start to lose my cool a little. “Oh my God, I think the condom broke.”
Before he can check, I launch out of bed and dart into the bathroom. I’ve already been lying there for several minutes, but I jump in the shower anyway, desperately scrubbing between my legs.
This can’t be happening. He literally just told me how much he didn’t want kids, and now the condom breaks. He’s going to be paranoid about having sex now.
I need to get on the pill.
When I emerge from the bathroom, Vince and the soiled bedding are gone. The bed has been made up to perfection, indicating one of the maids has been here. That’s kind of embarrassing, since they can probably guess why we needed a change of sheets in the middle of the night, but that’s literally the least of my worries right now.
Climbing into bed alone, I sigh and pull the covers up to my neck. I’m still a little tired, but now the adrenaline has me wide awake. I guess when Vince comes back, I could talk to him, but somehow nothing seems sufficient. “Hey, so, I know you don’t want kids and we just had our first broken condom incident, but I also wanted to tell you that your mistrustful cousin, the one you’ve been worried wants to get in my pants? He’s now comfortable talking about top secret criminal activity shit in front of me for some crazy reason! So… that was my day. How was Joey’s?”
Yeah, no.
Chapter Twenty Two
I’m sick with worry the next morning—over all my own shit, and the fact that from what I can tell, Vince never came back to bed last night.
I don’t know where his head’s at, but it can’t be good. I do what I can to check my cycle, seeing if there’s any chance I could’ve even been ovulating, but I forgot to mark my last period and I can’t remember when it was looking at a calendar. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about from one slip-up, but I would feel better if I could offer him something solid.
“You look pensive,” Mateo remarks.
I glance up at him, biting my bottom lip uncertainly. I suppose I could ask him for help. He’s the head of the family, after all.
“Kinda. Um, do you guys have, like… a family doctor, or…?”
Smirking at me, he asks, “A mob doctor?”
“No, just… I mean, maybe, if they can get the same stuff.”
“What is it you need?”
Squirming, I say, “I would rather tell a girl. I can go to my mom, but it’ll take longer and we don’t have good insurance—I don’t know.”
Frowning slightly, he asks, “What’s wrong?”
“I just… I need—God, I don’t want to ask you. Please don’t make me ask you. Is Francesca here? Cherie? Literally anyone with a vagina?”
“I’ve seen my fair share of them, if that helps.”
Grimacing, I say, “Ah, gross! It doesn’t. No. God.”
“We’re all adults here,” he states, firmly.
Well, not all of us, but I don’t argue. “I need birth control. And possibly the morning after pill.”
Dead silence.
My face might combust in actual flames, and I can’t look at him. Why, oh why, oh why did I start this conversation with him? I mean, I don’t really have anyone else to ask… Lena could probably get me the morning after pill, but we haven’t really been talking and that would be a humiliating way to suddenly start talking to her again.
After a moment, picking up his paper, he says simply, “No.”
Swallowing down the feeling of hollowness, I say, “No, you don’t have someone who can help me with that?”
“No, you may not have birth control or the morning after pill,” he amends.
Eyes widening, I ask, “Why?”
Opening his paper, he meets my gaze and says without apology, “Because I said so.”
I sit there for a moment, horrified, waiting for him to be joking, but apparently he isn’t. I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t understand why he would deny me something so basic—at least the birth control part. Given their heritage, they may be lazy Catholics—I know they murder and don’t go to church, but maybe they still cherry pick the traditions they want to keep. Vince did mention all Morelli women tend to have lots of babies, but… I didn’t realize that was because they had no choice.
Jesus Christ.
Well, I’ll have to double down on my fervent hopes that the broken condom incident didn’t ruin my life, because apparently if I’m pregnant, Vince is just going to hate me forever.
Oh, and that’s before he even finds out about my being in the study.
Great.
Just fucking fabulous.
Without another word, and certainly without the usual goodbye and have a good day niceties, I get up from the table and leave.
I make it outside before I realize I have no ride.
I won’t go back in though. I’m calculating how long it would take me to walk and how late I’ll be when I spot Adrian in the driveway.
“Hey,” I call out, impulsively.
He turns to me, but doesn’t speak.
“Could you give me a ride to school?”
“Have you talked to Vince?” he calls back.
I shake my head, brushing a stray lock of hair behind my ear. “No, not since last night.”
Adrian nods, glancing toward the road, then back at me. “He’s still at Joey’s. I don’t think he’s going. Why don’t you stay home today, Mia.”
I frown, shaking my head as I walk over to him. “I have a quiz—wait. What do you mean, he’s still at Joey’s? He came home last night.”
Adrian’s lips press together into a firm line, but his face doesn’t betray his thoughts. “No, he didn’t.”
“Yes, he did,” I reply, eyebrows rising.
Adrian takes a step closer, getting
right in my face. “No. He didn’t.”
I’m frozen again, unable to move. Even in the terrifying moments after meeting Mateo, when he had me on the ground in front of him with a gun pressed to my forehead, I’ve never experienced time standing still until right this moment. My life could have ended then, and still seconds ticked by, then minutes, then hours.
But now, the world no longer spins.
My brain has shut down. Information is flying in, confusing information, nothing I can make sense of. Nothing.
Until one certainty cements itself.
If Vince never came home last night, I couldn’t have had sex with him.
But I had sex with somebody.
I feel at once like I weigh 1,000 pounds and like I’m weightless, falling through time and space, waiting to crash into solid ground.
My knees turn to jelly, but I somehow stay upright. Everything trembles—or it feels like it does. I can’t tell, I can’t feel physical things right now—not the wind whipping my face, not Adrian’s hand on my arm. I think I could take Mateo’s sister’s throwing star and gouge myself in the chest with it right now, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.
Gasping, coming back to life, I turn on my heel and head back into the house. I don’t run. I walk, slowly, impressed with my ability even to do that.
I go back to the dining room, but by the time I get there, he’s gone. I know he isn’t in his study, because I would’ve seen him.
Elise stands at the table, cleaning up the mess I left, and Mateo’s coffee cup.
“Where is he?” I hear myself ask her.
Elise spins around, surprised to see me. “Who, Vince?”
“Mateo.”
“Oh, I don’t know. He was here a few minutes ago, you just missed him.”
For the first time, the enormity of this goddamn house is a hindrance. My blood is pumping through my veins with such violence I can hear my heart beating in my whole body. I don’t know how long the adrenaline will keep me up. But I want to find him and scratch his fucking face off before I crash.
After he fucking admits what he did. I want to hear that, first.
