by Megan Green
“It should have been you. If God had to take one of our daughters… it should have been you.”
I stumble backward as if he physically slapped me, my feet barely able to keep me upright. And truthfully, a physical attack would have probably hurt less than hearing those words.
My parents not only hated me.
They wished me dead.
I sink to the floor, my breaths coming quick and shallow, and I know I’m on the brink of a panic attack. I pull my knees up to my chest and bury my face between them, inhaling deeply through my nose and exhaling slowly through my mouth.
I have no idea how long I sit here, trying to steady my breathing and stave off the attack, but by the time I lift my head, my father is gone, my hotel door left open in his absence. He hadn’t even had the decency to shut the door while I’d been in such a vulnerable state.
Are you really surprised though? The man just told you he wished you were dead. Of course he wouldn’t be concerned with who could come waltzing into your hotel room.
His words come back to me.
Leave your sister’s family alone.
You want to take her place.
It should have been you.
Now that he and my mother know I’m here, they’re not going to stop until I’m gone. I’m never going to be free of their wrath until I’m out of Virginia Beach and back in Chicago.
Away from their precious daughter’s final resting place.
Away from Gracie and Ellie.
Away from Shane.
I tell myself it’s for the best. Things with Shane weren’t going to work out anyway. I’m just a temporary place holder while he gets his life back on track. Besides, it’s not like I thought we could keep our relationship a secret forever. I’d always known that sooner or later, my parents would have to find out if we stayed together. They’re Gracie and Ellie’s grandparents, for God’s sake.
No, as long as I’m with Shane, I’ll never be out from under Debbie and Kurt Mitchell’s scrutiny. I’ll never be able to live my life without their constant ridicule and hate.
It’s better for everyone if I just take my father’s advice and leave.
I scramble to my feet, rushing to the closet and grabbing my suitcase.
And just like I had that night Aara had shown up and convinced me to stay, I pack my things.
Only this time, I won’t stop until I’m back where I belong.
Chapter Nineteen
Shane
I throw my truck in park and spring from the front seat just in time to see Kate charge through the front door of the hotel, suitcase in hand.
“Kate!” I call, waving to her from across the parking lot.
Where the hell is she going? There’s no way Debbie got to her already. She’d called me from her landline, and her house is at least another ten minutes farther from the hotel than Cole Security.
Her eyes lift to mine, and I see surprise flash across her features for a moment before her brow furrows and determination sets in. She dashes over to a waiting cab, flinging open the rear passenger door and tossing her bag across the seat.
“Kate, wait!” I shout, breaking into a full-on sprint. The cab driver turns and says something, causing her to pause for just a moment before climbing into the back seat. But it’s all the time I need.
My hand closes around her arm just before she slides inside.
“Where are you going?” I huff, bending over and placing my hands on my knees in order to catch my breath. I have seriously been slacking on the gym time these past few months. A thirty second run across the parking lot has me breathing like a ninety-year-old chain smoker.
“Let go of me, Shane,” she says, trying to break my hold. My grip tightens, and I’m grateful at least one thing about me hasn’t gone soft.
“No. Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
Her eyes roll and she looks back at the waiting cab. “I’m leaving, obviously.”
The flippant way she says the words, as if her walking away from me is the easiest thing in the world, cuts me deep.
“Where are you going?” The words sound dumb, even to my own ears.
“Home.”
If I thought her last words had been hurtful, it’s nothing compared to the pain that pierces my heart when she utters that one simple syllable.
I’d stupidly thought that she’d come to think of this as her home. Not the hotel. Not even Virginia Beach, per se. But us.
Me.
Gracie.
Ellie.
“You’re going back to Chicago?” I ask, already knowing that’s exactly what she means, but needing to hear her say the words.
She nods. “It’s time for me to go back where I belong.”
“Why? This is where you belong, Kate. Here, with me and my girls. We love you.”
She recoils at the words, as if the sound of them falling from my lips burns deep within her soul. “Don’t say that to me.”
“Why not? It’s the truth. I meant it when I said it to you the other night, and I mean it even more now. And ten years from now, I’ll love you more still. My love for you only grows with each passing day, Kate. Can’t you see that?”
She shakes her head. “No. You don’t know what you’re saying. I know you think you love me, Shane. But you don’t.”
I throw my hands up in frustration. “I thought we got past this already! I don’t expect you to be Felicity, Kate. Hell, that’s the last thing I want.”
“You’re confused. You just lost your wife—”
“Fuck that. You don’t get to tell me how I feel. I know without a shadow of a doubt that what I feel for you is ten times what I ever felt for your sister. A hundred times. A thousand. It doesn’t even compare.”
“Shane, you don’t—”
“She got to you, didn’t she?” I bite out.
Kate doesn’t bother asking who I mean, which is answer enough.
“Kate, don’t listen to her!”
She shakes her head. “It wasn’t her. It was my father.”
My brow furrows. Kurt had been here to see her?
My father-in-law was a man of very few words. It surprised me that he had been the one to come confront her. I’d always just assumed he went along with Debbie’s decision to choose Felicity.
Guess I was wrong.
“Whatever he said to you, he was wrong. We can—”
“That’s just it though. He wasn’t. I may not have come here wanting to take anything from my sister, but that’s exactly what I’ve done.”
“No, you haven’t. I wasn’t your sister’s. Not anymore.”
She shakes her head. “That doesn’t matter. You were her husband. Even if you’d been divorced at the time of her death, it still wouldn’t make it okay. And Gracie and Ellie… they haven’t even had a chance to properly mourn their mother and I’ve already swooped in and tried to make them love me.”
“They love you as their aunt. They can still love their mother and love you, too.”
Kate’s mouth puckers into a tight line, and a faraway look settles into her eyes. It’s as if she’s lost in a memory. Finally, the haze seems to lift, and she turns to face me.
“After I got back to my room last night, I sat and wrote for the first time since I got here.”
The change of subject is jarring, and it takes my brain a moment to catch up with what she’s said.
“Oh, um. That’s great. I know you’ve been frustrated about not being able to write.” She’d vented to me a few times how aggravating this bout of writer’s block had been for her.
“I didn’t write the story I was supposed to be writing,” she deadpans.
I stay silent, waiting for her to continue.
“Instead, I spent the entire night recounting the demise of Felicity and my’s relationship. I remembered each and every single event that led up to our falling out. And you know what I discovered?”
I shake my head.
“I’m not nearly as innocent as I thou
ght I was.”
My brows lift in surprise. “What do you mean? Your parents and Felicity basically forced you out of their family.”
She shakes her head. “My mother made life difficult for me. And my father wasn’t much better. They loved my sister so completely, everything she ever did made them proud. And I wanted a little of that for myself.”
“Any kid would. If anyone is at fault here, it’s your parents. They should have never made you feel like you weren’t good enough.”
“No, they shouldn’t have. But it wasn’t Felicity’s fault that they did. I loved my sister more than anything in the world. But deep down… I resented her. Resented the way she could do no wrong in my parents’ eyes. Resented the easy relationship she had with them. I thought that if I could just be more like her, maybe they’d love me, too.”
“So you joined the same clubs and did the same activities Felicity did. That doesn’t make you a bad person, Kate,” I explain.
“No, but I wasn’t content to be as good as Felicity. I needed to be better. I needed to prove to everyone that I was just as worthy of love as she was. And in doing so, I took opportunities away from her. When she said she was going out for the debate team, I made sure I landed the position of captain. When she said she wanted to write for the school paper, I made sure I was made editor-in-chief. And when she told me she wanted to be a journalist, I made sure to graduate at the top of my class so that I could get into one of the best journalism schools there is.”
I stare at her, dumbfounded. Not at her admission. But at the surety in her voice. She’s convinced that by being good at those things, she somehow took them away from her sister.
“You wanted to be a journalist, too, though, Kate. You told me yourself. When you guys were little, you’d talk about all the stories you’d uncover together.”
She shrugs. “Did I, though? Or did I just want whatever my sister wanted? I’ve told myself it’s what I’ve wanted for so long that I don’t even know the truth. I enjoy my job. I’m good at it. But if Felicity hadn’t told me she wanted to be a journalist… if she’d decided she wanted to be a ballerina, or a teacher, or hell, even a goddamn pole dancer… would I be doing what I’m currently doing? Or would I still be following in her footsteps?”
I have no clue how to respond to this, but something tells me she’s not expecting an answer. After a moment, she continues.
“I realized in my writing last night that I’ve never done anything entirely for myself. My entire life, I’ve been desperately trying to win my parents’ affection. And I deserve more than that. I deserve to live. For me.”
I grab both of her hands and hold them up between us. “And you can do that. I’ll never try to stand in your way. If you decide you want to go back to school and study for a new career, I’ll support you one hundred percent. If you decide you want to strap on a G-string and shake your ass on a pole…okay, well, I might not be able to get fully on board with that idea. But if it’s what you truly wanted, I’d find a way to live with it.”
She squeezes my hand. “That’s just it though, Shane. As long as I stay with you, I’ll be forever reminded of my sister. Because no matter what happens in the future, your past will always be with her. My parents will always be a part of your life because of Gracie and Ellie. And I don’t want that to change. Your girls deserve to know and love their grandparents. But I’ll never be able to fully move on if I’m constantly reminded of what I’m trying to forget.”
“So that’s it then?” I ask. “You’re just going to leave. After everything, all the time we’ve spent together. After my girls have fallen for you in every way. After I told you how I feel about you. You’re just going to leave without looking back?”
Tears shimmer in her eyes, but she nods.
“One day, you’ll look back and understand. You’ll see that this was for the best. For all of us.”
“Bullshit,” I spit, pulling away from her. “You running back to Chicago isn’t what’s best for anyone but you. Fuck, it isn’t even best for you. It’s just what’s easiest.”
She pulls her lips between her teeth, and a single tear spills over the rim of one eye.
“If you think my leaving is easy, Shane, then you really don’t know me at all.”
With that, she leans inside the open cab door and climbs inside. I realize the driver just got a hell of a lot more information than he wanted about the state of my relationship, but I can’t bring myself to care.
Because as that yellow car disappears down the street, it takes my heart with it.
Chapter Twenty
Kate
“Kate, can I see you in my office?”
Izzy’s voice startles me from the daze I’d fallen into, my eyes fixed on a sign outside my office window, looking at it but not really seeing.
Today marks a week since my return to Chicago, and my third day back to the office. I’d taken a few days upon my arrival to allow myself to wallow. To sit in my apartment and cry over what I’d lost.
Because despite what Shane thought, walking away from him that day in the hotel parking lot had been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Losing him and the girls… it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from.
But it needed to be done. Not just for me, but for them.
I’m no good for them. Speaking to my father had only helped me realize that. I don’t want them to forget Felicity. I don’t want to ever feel like I’m trying to take her place. And it doesn’t matter how many times we say it won’t happen, the fact still remains that I’m her sister.
It’s impossible not to compare the two of us. We’re tied together, even in death. Shane will never be able to look at me and not see some small part of the woman he once loved. And Gracie and Ellie’s memories of their mother will soon be overshadowed by my presence. They’ll forget the woman who’d carried them. The woman who loved and raised them for the first few years of their lives. And that can’t happen.
It’s not that I wish Shane to be alone for the rest of his life. I hope he falls in love again. I hope he gives those girls a stepmother who adores them and dotes on them as if they were her own children. I just hope it’s after they’ve all had time to grieve and heal.
When the timing is right, Shane Dempsey is going to make some lucky woman very happy.
That woman just won’t be me.
I look up at my boss, forcing a fake half-smile to my lips. “Sure thing, Izzy.”
I push back from my desk and trail after her, a little ashamed that my boss just caught me staring out the window instead of working. I’ve always taken pride in my work ethic, never been one to slack off or misuse company time.
And yet in the three days I’ve been back to work, I’ve only managed to complete one article. And even I have to admit it wasn’t a very good one.
I follow Izzy into her office and take a seat across from her. I see my latest piece sitting face-up on her desk, red pen marking the entire front of the first page.
I immediately launch into an apology. “I’m so sorry, Izzy. I know that piece needs work. I should have never turned it in to you in that condition.”
Her eyes dart down to my article for a moment before lifting back to mine.
“The article is fine, Kate. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”
My brow furrows. “What’s with all the red then?”
She settles back in her chair. “I said the article is fine. Fine, Kate. You don’t do fine.”
My lips pull into a frown. “I don’t understand. If you want me to rework it…”
She shakes her head. “I’m not concerned about the article. Like I said, it’s fine. We’ll run it, people will read it, they’ll enjoy it, and then they’ll go on with their day. But that’s not the reaction a Kate Mitchell piece usually invokes.”
I stay silent, waiting for her to continue. She obviously has a point she wants to make that I’m not picking up on.
“These marks? They’re not co
rrections. They’re concern. Where’s the passion of your usual work in this? Where is the fire? Everything that makes you such a compelling writer seems to be missing from this piece.”
Tears spring to my eyes, because I know she’s right. I’d been so determined to get back into the swing of things once I’d returned home, that I’d slogged my way through that article, phoning in the emotional punch I always tried to pack into my stories.
Apparently, I’m not as good of a writer as I thought. Because my boss had immediately picked up on it.
“I’m so sorry, Izzy. I’m still trying to get back into the swing of things. All that time off really messed with my head.”
The look she gives me tells me she sees right through me.
“I’m not an idiot, Kate. The last time I talked to you, you told me you’d met someone. Then you show up here, alone, distracted, and obviously upset. I just want you to know that I’m here for you. If you need to talk about it, you can talk to me. I’ll do whatever you need while you try to get your spark back.”
She gives me what I think is supposed to be an encouraging smile, but it has the opposite effect on me. Because as I said before, Izzy is the closest thing I have to a best friend here in Chicago. And even her concern stems from wanting to get my work back to normal.
“Thanks, Iz,” I say as I climb to my feet. “I appreciate that. I’ll let you know if I ever need to talk.”
“My door is always open. Use it.” Another smile as I make my way out of her office.
But as soon as the words leave her mouth, I know I never will. I got myself into this mess, and I’ll get out of it the same way. I just need a little more time…
I get back to my office and close out my computer. Grabbing my bag, I stop by the reception desk to let Dawn know I’m going to be out the rest of the afternoon.
After swinging by the liquor store and grabbing the biggest bottle of wine I can find, I drive back to my apartment.
Three glasses later, I’m already starting to feel better.
