Still, it was kind of nice.
Once again, I couldn’t help but compare how different this was. A grown-up version of Sam that I hadn’t quite expected to meet. And maybe, a part of me felt sad that I hadn’t seen Sam turn into this mature, grown-up man. But then, perhaps he would have turned out differently if we’d stayed together. It was a strange thought, because I liked this new Sam.
It was easy to slip, laughing, through the front door of the reception venue and out onto the wide avenue. My hand strayed towards Sam’s, fingers brushing lightly across his palm before I snatched it back.
I’d always been the good girl. It felt exciting to do something a little reckless. Even if Sam wasn’t going to let me borrow a boat.
“Where do you think we’ll be another ten years from now?” I asked. We’d be forty, which felt ancient even compared to being thirty.
When Sam didn’t reply straight away, I wondered if maybe the question was a bit too far. But glancing at him, it was easy to tell that he was just thinking about it. We walked in comfortable silence as I managed to keep my hands to myself.
“Ten years from now, I’ll be at the end of my playing career, if I’m lucky enough to play until then,” Sam hummed. “I’ve not got a lot of ideas for retirement yet. It’d be nice to have kids by then, maybe I can be lucky enough to be someone’s househusband,” he joked, giving me a grin.
We walked for a little longer before Sam spoke again. “I think if you had asked me ten years ago where I thought I’d be at thirty, my response might have been similar. Just with more hockey and less retiring. It’s hard to predict what will happen.”
That was fair. My life was more predictable than Sam’s, and involved a lot less retiring at forty. “I know I’ll still be living here,” I said, gesturing around as at the park I must have walked through a hundred times since I’d moved to Lunengrove. “And that’s comforting. No matter what else might change, I know where I’ll be, and to some extent who I’ll have around me.”
Sure, a decade from now I would probably have lost some people. My grandma was already nearing eighty-five. But I’d have a town full of friends and neighbors.
“I’ll still be writing people’s wills and helping newlyweds with the paperwork for their first homes.”
I, too, wanted children. “Hopefully, I’ll have a couple of kids. And a husband to help me raise them.”
Feeling that the mood was getting far too serious, I turned the subject slightly. “Of course, ten years from tonight we’ll probably both be at Pat and Charlotte’s anniversary party!”
Sam laughed. I grinned, enjoying being able to make him laugh. It was a luxury that I had forgotten about. He understood that I was trying to lighten the mood. We’d always been so good at that, at understanding when things needed to be let go. Except perhaps when then we no longer were.
“With their kids here! I bet they’ll have the most adorable little kids,” he informed me. Just from Sam’s tone of voice, I could tell he genuinely looked forward to that. He’d make an excellent uncle, I had no doubt. I would be very excited to be an ‘aunt’ to Charlotte’s kids.
“You’ll be great with them,” I assured Sam, leaning against the rough bark of a nearby tree. “You were great with Ethan!” The memory of seeing Sam pay such close attention to my nephew stirred a warm, fluttering feeling in my heart.
In the darkness, I could just about make out Sam’s profile against the distant lights. Knowing that he could only see me as well as I could see him, it felt safe to watch him.
I knew that face, could remember the way his hair felt when I ran my fingers through it. The memory of his lips on mine sent a warm shock through me.
“Thanks for coming out here with me,” I said, hoping that by speaking I could prevent my mind from wandering down such dangerous avenues.
Even in the dim light, I could see the way Sam smiled. “Couldn’t let you go steal a boat, now could I?” he teased. When I protested that I hadn’t suggested stealing it and rather just borrowing, Sam shook his head. “It was going to get stolen. You’d row away and get lost and it’d never return,” he informed me.
I was pretty tipsy but I certainly would have been able to find my way back! Then again, this way, I didn’t need to. Sam had become very responsible!
A comment I must have said out loud because he laughed again. “I am a very responsible person now, it’s true,” he agreed. “But maybe,” he grinned. “Not so responsible that I’d discourage some late-night swimming?”
My heart gave a lurch in my chest as adrenaline swirled through my entire body. I should have refused. I should have been responsible and pointed out that my bridesmaid dress required fancy underwear that was definitely not meant for swimming in.
But the alcohol in my system made all those ‘shoulds’ a little quieter. Before my brain could linger on what was sensible for a moment longer, my body kicked into action, slipping my feet free of my shoes.
Leaving them next to Sam by the tree, I ran ahead, only pausing to wriggle out of my cumbersome dress. My body met the water with a splash, the cold lake shocking my system and pushing a delighted giggle from my lips.
This wasn’t how I’d imagined my night ending. But as Sam whooped into the water beside me, it was hard to care!
Chapter Seventeen
Sam
FEBRUARY 26TH, 2010
I had known that the trade was coming before receiving the call. There had been rumors and my manager had actually asked me how I’d feel about a trade. The truth was, I didn’t have any objections. Playing for Edmonton was great! But that didn’t mean that it had to be my forever team.
So receiving the news that I had been traded to the Salt Lake Pumas was... fine. Maybe a little exciting. I hadn’t known where I’d end up, but the Pumas were an up-and-coming team. Having recently drafted Luke Nash, they were on a steady road toward a solid, play-off worthy roster.
It just so happened that the same day of being traded to Pumas was the day Helena was coming to visit. The knowledge that she was already in a taxi on her way from the airport was the only reason I didn’t call her to tell her the news. Instead, I eagerly waited for her outside.
Over the year since our engagement, Helena had visited less than I would have liked. She was busy with university, I got that, but I just missed her so much! A long-distance relationship wasn’t something either of us had wanted. And yet, here we were.
Moving to the States was a little daunting because of that, too.
But Helena could come with me! My new contract came with an awesome pay rise; we could look for a house together. I could even pay for Helena to finish university - college! - in Utah. This would be good for us!
“Hey!” I greeted her energetically, helping Helena with her bags and paying for the taxi all in one big blur. “God, I’ve missed you,” I told her once we were inside, pulling Helena into a hug. She felt so right against me, my nose straight away buried in her hair, reclaiming all those missed months of not being able to smell her shampoo.
Her arms wrapped around me, squeezing so tight it felt like I couldn’t breathe for a moment. The pain was worth it; it meant that Helena had missed me too, probably just as much as I’d missed her. “It’s so good to see you,” she said, pulling back so her gaze could sweep across my face and then down the rest of me.
“Did you put on even more muscle?” Her fingers stroked my bicep through my shirt, making me beam. The longer I stayed with professional hockey teams, the fitter I got. Right now was the prime of my life!
“Or maybe your hands have just gotten smaller,” I teased. They hadn’t, Helena’s hands were definitely still the same size. But just to make sure, I let my hand find hers, linking our fingers together. It felt like forever since we last held hands. While a few months weren’t really that long, some days it did feel like it.
This was no time to focus on how much I missed Helena when she wasn’t here. It was much more worth my time to focus on her being here now!
/>
Leading us through to the living room, I took a seat on the couch. This was always where we started. A catch-up, some kisses, decisions on pizza. Even without seeing each other often, we had those little traditions, put together over years of being together.
“I have some news!” I told Helena, unable to help my excitement. Maybe she could guess what the news was about; Helena knew the trade season was on.
Her blue eyes lit up, sparkling with shared excitement. Even when Helena hadn’t been interested in hockey, she’d always been eager to hear me talk, letting me explain things to her over and over again until she had them memorized.
“You’re getting traded somewhere exciting?” she asked eagerly. “A big city?” Helena had always wanted to live in a big city, somewhere she could meet all different kinds of people and go to book events and the theater.
Truthfully, I had no idea how big Salt Lake City was, but it had ‘city’ in the name and it would definitely be bigger than our hometown. So in response, I nodded. “Yeah, I am.” I smiled. “Obviously, we knew this was a possibility, but I think it’s good! I’ll miss the guys, of course, but it’s still exciting! A new team; they have some great players.”
Helena nodded along as I realized that in all of that, I hadn’t actually told her where it was. “It’s Salt Lake City. In Utah?” My geography of the States wasn’t that great but I knew where the NHL cities were, even if I didn’t know anything else about Utah. Helena almost definitely would, though. She’d always been more studious than me.
“Oh.” Her voice trembled, her breath catching so sharply in her throat that I could almost feel it myself. “Utah.” Her dark brows drew together, her lips pressing into a thin line.
But then she smiled, resting her free hand on my knee and giving a small squeeze. “That’s great! If you’re excited, then I’m excited.” Her words sounded genuine. Almost. It felt like there was something missing.
And I was excited. Utah was going to be great for my career. And hopefully, it would be great for the two of us, too. Maybe if I told Helena about that, she’d find it easier to be excited. “I’ve got a huge signing bonus,” I told her. Helena had never cared about money, so that wasn’t the reason and I knew she knew that.
“We can pick a house together! And then, once I’ve settled, you could come with me? You’re almost done with university, so... Just come with me, Helena?” There were almost no things I wanted more than that. Winning the Stanley Cup and having Helena always with me. Those were the two things I felt would fulfill all my desires.
“Come with you,” Helena repeated, the pressure of her hand lightening. “Come with you to do law school in… Utah?” From the way her voice almost disappeared on the last word, it was clear this plan didn’t strike her as brilliantly as it struck me.
She still smiled, which helped me not to feel too disappointed. Maybe Helena wasn’t as excited about Utah as I had hoped, but she was clearly trying.
“I don’t even know how applying for an American college works,” she breathed. “I don’t know whether they would accept me with a Canadian degree.” That made me frown. Surely they would? It wasn’t as if writing essays was that different from one place to another.
Biting down on her lower lip, Helena shook her head slightly. “How long do you think you’ll be in Utah?” she asked. “You’ve only been here for a couple of years. By the time I finish law school, you might be back in Canada.”
“I hope not.” The words were out of my mouth before I could help it. But it was the truth. I wanted the Pumas to be my forever team. And sure, it wasn’t something that I could guarantee; that didn’t mean I couldn’t hope for it. But Helena clearly wasn’t on the same wavelength as me.
That didn’t happen often. Ever since we’d met, things had been good between us. We moved, or so I thought, in the same direction. But this didn’t feel like we were on the same page. So obviously, I just needed to explain it better.
“This is good! Utah will be great for me.” It would be great for us! Helena had always wanted to live in a city and sure, it wasn’t the closest place to home but she didn’t even like her family that much. My NHL salary could pay for plenty of plane tickets.
“Great for you,” Helena echoed, pulling her legs back from my lap so she could get to her feet. “Everyone in your career moves around. But lawyers don’t! What am I supposed to do, sit the bar exam all over again in every state you move to?”
Helena had never sounded so annoyed. Not at me, anyway. She’d gotten annoyed with her parents, mostly on my behalf. She’d never used that same tone directed at me.
And what had I even done wrong? It wasn’t up to me where I was traded!
“Can you imagine what that would be like?”
No. I had no idea what it would be like. But I knew that Helena could do it! She was so smart and so dedicated. Sure, maybe it would be hard, but I would be there to support her. That would make things better, right? The way Helena was staring at me, it didn’t feel like it was going to be better.
“I can’t imagine it,” I admitted. “But... it’s doable, no? And maybe I won’t ever get traded again!” That was, of course, the hope. But even if I did, we could make things work! I had to move for work, Helena was right, it was part of my career. “You’ve always known this is what the NHL will be like,” I pointed out.
Helena brought her hands together, fingers rubbing against the opposite palm. “Yes, I knew the NHL would be like this,” she agreed. “And I knew that lawyers needed to pass the bar if they want to move between provinces - or states. But I didn’t know what law school would be like.”
She turned her head, blue eyes staring out at me. It made me want to jump up and wrap my arms around her, promise her that we could make this work. “I still don’t know what law school is like. But you hear things - about how much work it is, how much pressure you get put under. And even handling essay deadlines now is so much harder than when we were at school!”
“Sure, but you can do it!” I told her in a way that I thought was encouraging. From how red Helena’s face went, it didn’t seem like she agreed. “I mean, what does it matter where you do it, anyway? Salt Lake City is fine, I’m sure.” It wasn’t like I could not go. But Helena could choose to come with me.
Of course, she hadn’t done so far, but that was because of university. At least that was what she’d said. But if now, when I had to move again, the same reason came up even when I knew she could do it somewhere else…
Doubt began to creep in, questions sparking through my brain. Did Helena just not want to come with me? Things had been difficult with long distance but we’d tried to make them work because... well, because they wouldn’t always be long distance.
“How did you expect this to go?” I asked. “You knew I’d have to move.” It had always been on the cards.
“I know!” Helena snapped. “I know, and I thought I could handle it. I thought passing the bar would be like… I don’t know, like acing a pop quiz in history. But it’s not like that, Sam.”
Having never aced a pop quiz in any subject, Helena’s comparison went totally over my head. Frowning, I tried to concentrate on what she was saying. Those questioning voices in my head just got louder and louder.
“Sure, I could study law in Utah. But then you might move - to a different state, or back to Canada, and I’d have to learn all their laws! And I’d have to do that every single time you moved. It’s not like hockey where they play it the same everywhere.”
Her eyes welled up with tears. “Can’t you think about what you’re asking me to do?”
And... no. I couldn’t. Because I didn’t get what she was talking about.
“So you don’t ever plan for us to live together?” I asked dumbly. Everything she said sounded like that was where this was going. That Helena wanted to stay rather than come with me. Maybe ever.
The thought twisted in my stomach like acid had been poured into it. It hurt to even imagine not having Helena in my l
ife. Yet, at the same time, this past year had been hard. We had gone for months without seeing each other and this was not the reunion I had hoped for.
Her cheeks blazed even more pink. “No! Of course, I want us to live together! How can you even ask that?” Her hands balled into fists. My gaze fell to the finger she would have worn an engagement ring on, if she’d had one. She’d said that a hockey puck was enough - was better than a ring.
Suddenly, I wondered if she’d just preferred not to have an outward symbol.
“I just don’t know how it’s going to work, Sam.” Her voice broke, practically disappearing as she tried to say my name. “And you’ve only thought about how it’s going to work for you!”
I didn’t think that was true. All of my plans included Helena!
“But I’ve planned for us! Like to buy a house and move together!” I honestly felt confused by her saying that it didn’t include her. But what truly rang through my mind was Helena’s words about not knowing how this would work. That wasn’t just now but forever. If she couldn’t see us moving in together then…
It felt unimaginable to think about not being with Helena. “What are you saying, Helena?” I asked slowly. “If you don’t know how it’s going to work...” And Helena was always the one who knew things!
Her teeth sank into her lower lip so hard that even I had to wince. “I don’t know how to make it work,” she repeated. “And I feel like you’re just trusting that I’ll be the one to figure it out. You don’t think about my side of it. You just -”
She broke off, her whole body fidgeting with restless energy. “You just expect me to make all the sacrifices. To do whatever it takes for us to stay together. Even if that means studying to pass the bar and uprooting my career every time you have to move. You’re not willing to change anything about your dream.”
“You want me to give up the NHL for you?” I asked, feeling as dumbfounded as I sounded. Helena knew how much this meant to me, how much it was my dream to play for the NHL. She had supported me in doing it! So how could she now say that I needed to make more sacrifices?
Home Matched (Salt Lake Pumas Book 4) Page 15
