Hawk (Sex and Bullets Book 2)

by Jo Raven

  Raylin enters, smiling, then laughs. “Oh God, sorry. I didn’t think…” She waves at my quilted attire.

  “It’s fine.” I smile back. “Um, sorry for running away from the kitchen last time. I don’t know if Hawk said anything about that.”

  “Nope. But it’s fine. Storm and I can be scary at times.” She winks.

  God she’s sweet. “Right. Very scary.”

  She approaches me hesitantly. “Mind if I sit down?”

  “It’s your house.”

  “And you’re our guest. Plus, you know.” She lifts one shoulder. “You’re probably not quite used to all this yet.” She waves a hand at the room and makes a face.

  I laugh. “And here I was thinking I was weird for feeling uncomfortable.”

  “Nah. But it passes. Mostly. I promise. Hawk is in love with you, and that’s the main thing.”

  “Hawk isn’t in love with me.”

  Her eyes widen. “Did he say that?”

  “No, but… he didn’t say he is, either.”

  “Oh. Give him time. I mean, can’t you see it? His eyes glow when he looks at you, or talks about you.”

  They do?

  “Now tell me about yourself.” Raylin leans closer, her dark hair sliding over her shoulders. She’s dressed in dirty sweats and a T-shirt with holes that says “You caught me,” on it. I wonder what it means.

  In any case, she’s nothing like I’d imagine the fiancée of a millionaire to be like. It makes me feel more at ease.

  “I study publishing at college. My mom moved away to New York. I was there visiting her last week.” God, it feels like years. “My dad… my dad was involved in all of this.” My voice cracks and I clear my throat. “He knew they had Hawk in his warehouse and did nothing.”

  “Oh shush, girl.” Raylin scoots closer and puts an arm around me. “It’s okay.”

  I nod, embarrassed and yet grateful for her hug. “Okay.” I draw a deep breath. “What about you?”

  “My dad is a fraud and a gambler, and I’ve had a bad run in with the Chinese mafia, so you see, your dad and mine shouldn’t define us. They can’t. Now, Hawk helped save my lily-white ass from the mafia, so I owe him a big one. He’s a good guy, your man.”

  My man.

  Flames lick my face. “Yeah.”

  “He’s worried about you. He said you still weren’t feeling so good. In fact…” She chews on her lip. “I will be blunt, okay? Are you on the pill?”

  Oh God. “No, I’m not. Look, Raylin…” I pull back from her embrace and fold my hands in my lap, on top of the quilt that’s still wrapped around me. “Hawk knows this. I can’t have kids. The specialist I visited last year said I can’t have kids, not without a special treatment. If that works. So… No, I’m not on the pill.”

  “It has happened before, you know?” At my uncomprehending look, Raylin says, “It has happened before that a doctor says you can’t have children, and you end up pregnant anyway. Heard plenty of stories like that.”

  “No.” I shake my head. “I don’t believe in miracles. And I don’t want to hope. It’s hard.”

  “I understand. I do.” She grabs my hand, pulls it into hers. “But knowing is important, because girl, if you are… Then you need to take care of yourself and the baby.”

  A baby.

  I’m still shaking my head, but I don’t know why I’m fighting it. “I had my period last month.”

  “It could be implantation bleeding. What about this month, are you late?”

  “I don’t know.” I can’t think. “The doctor gave me a test.” I twist around and pull it from under the pillow. “But I can’t be, Raylin.”

  “Call me Ray,” she says and taking the long, thin package she starts reading the instructions. “Look, let’s get this over with. Then you know and can forget all about it, okay?”

  As if it’s that easy. As if, after getting back even a tiny sliver of hope, you can pretend it never happened, that you didn’t have your heart shattered again.

  “Come on. You don’t need first morning urine for this one. We can do it now.”

  “Now?” I’m not ready.

  Probably never will be.

  “Yes. Come on.” She pulls on my hand, and I get up, the quilt falling, leaving me naked.

  “Crap.” I wrench my hand free and attempt to cover my boobs.

  “Holy shit.” Raylin’s eyes are so big I swear they’re about to bug out of her head. “Your boobs. Megan said they get bigger, but your nipples… Oh God. Do they hurt?”

  I glance down at them. “Yeah. A little.”

  Raylin laughs softly, and points at the bathroom. “If you’re not pregnant, then I’ll eat my shoe. So get in there, and let’s try this test.”

  ***

  My stomach is twisted up so badly it’s a toss-up whether I’ll throw up or pass out. The test is resting on the sink, the white tube looking innocent as you please.

  I wrench my gaze away.

  I look back at it.

  And here I thought the stress of this week was over.

  “Another two minutes to go,” Raylin says, tapping her watch and sits down beside me on the bathroom bench. “Breathe, Layla.”

  But how can I? I’ve never taken such a test before. Never thought I would. I’d convinced myself this would never happen, and that I should suck it up, so how is it possible that I’m sitting in the luxurious bathroom belonging to Hawk’s friend, acid chewing on my stomach lining, hands gripping the edge of the bench like a lifeline, waiting for the test to tell me what I already know?

  Those lines will never appear in the small window of the test. It won’t be positive. The possibility of me getting pregnant naturally is something like zero point one percent.

  Knowing this doesn’t help with the nerves, however, and the urge to throw up is getting stronger. Oh man, I can’t puke on top of Raylin. She’ll never speak to me again.

  Unable to stand this any longer, I push to my feet and stomp into the bedroom. Good God, so glad Hawk isn’t here right now. I’d probably never have gone through with it if he were.

  “Layla.” Raylin follows me, slender arms folded under her breasts. “You okay?”

  “Everyone keeps asking me this.” I walk to the walk in closet, open the door, shut it again. Then I pace to the window and back. “Look, it’s been a weird few days, all right? Lots has happened, both good and bad. Very bad, and I… I can’t take it all in. I thought I could bounce right back from such things but I can’t. And now… this.” I gesture at the open bathroom door. “I had resigned myself to the fact it could never happen, and it can’t happen, but still…”

  I sink down on the bed and rub at my eyes.

  “It’s been tough on you,” she says quietly.

  “But that’s the thing. I’m tough. I mean, sure, I get my nails done and put highlights in my hair, I like shopping and going for drinks with my friends—but I’m not the kind of girl who breaks down all the time, who cries and can’t get over a nightmare.” I push my hair out of my face. “I’m not. It annoys me. When my parents got divorced, I didn’t cry. When my cat died, I didn’t cry. God, it’s as if I’ve turned into someone else.”

  Raylin says nothing. She checks her watch.

  My stomach does more somersaults. “What?”

  “One minute left.”

  Crap.

  Time is stuck. Her watch is stuck. Broken. Three minutes can’t take this long. It feels like half the morning has passed.

  And if it turns out—?

  No. It can’t.

  Stop it.

  I get up and start pacing again. This is bullshit. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to see the test when it’s done.

  Don’t need to.

  I’m done.

  “Hawk loves kids,” Raylin says, and I freeze.

  “What?”

  “He does. He loves kids and baby animals. He tries to hide it, but Storm is his best friend. I know more about Hawk than he’d admit to anyone.”
>
  Intrigued, I return to the bed. “Like what? And won’t he get mad that you go around spilling his secrets?”

  “I don’t go around spilling secrets. You’re his woman. It’s different.” She sticks her tongue out at me. “Besides, there’s not so much to tell. Hawk was a menace as a kid. Shocking, I know. He was too much, so at some point his parents sent him out of town to live with his grandfather.”

  “That must have been hard for him.” Though Hawk spoke of the old man with fondness, didn’t he?

  “It might also have been a matter of safety. I mean, now we know his parents were heavily involved in the Organization, and maybe they thought it better for him to stay away.”

  Maybe. “And Storm said Hawk likes pets and babies?”

  Sounds doubtful.

  “Hawk would rescue every animal he’d find and take it home to his grandfather. He liked to hang around younger kids during their afternoon classes or sports. He’s very protective.”

  “I know,” I whisper.

  I do know that.

  “And hey, would you look at this! Time flies.” Raylin takes my hand and gets up, tugging on me to follow. “Let’s check that test.”

  Swallowing down the gigantic NO that’s lodged in my throat, fighting the panic and the impulse to run away, I stumble after her into the huge bathroom.

  She stops. Releases my hand. Gives me a little shove. “You should do this.” She smiles. “If you decide you don’t want to tell me the result, that’s fine. This is about you, not me.”

  She’s right.

  Oh God.

  Okay, I’ve got this. Nothing to it. Just grab the test, look at it, and throw it into the trash. Easy peasy.

  Unimportant.

  I put my hand over the stick, lift it, not looking at it. My knees are knocking together. My skin is covered in gooseflesh. I bite my lip so hard I might have drawn blood.

  “So? What is it?” Raylin breathes, blissfully ignoring the fact she just said I don’t have to tell her the results. “Layla.”

  There’s no oxygen in here. Struggling to breathe, I lift my finger, take a peek at the small window.

  Then cover it again.

  Nope.

  “Layla?”

  “I…” I lift my finger again, unable to stop myself. And stare.

  At the twin blue lines.

  “What is it?”

  “I… don’t know.” I swallow hard. “What do the two lines mean?”

  “Oh. My. God. Oh my God! I totally knew it! I knew it!” Raylin grabs me in a hug, and turns me around until I’m so dizzy bile rises in my throat. “It’s positive. It’s positive!”

  Positive.

  I can’t think. What does that mean? Shouldn’t it be…? There must be a mistake. Because positive means… No, no frigging way.

  “I’m pregnant?” Oh God, I’m feeling faint, and I’m not sure Raylin can keep me upright if I pass out this time.

  “Sit down, girl, before you fall. And then we have to tell Hawk.”

  ***

  How can life change in the space of three days? The space of an hour? A minute?

  One bright, blinding moment in time.

  I clutch the stick in my hand—positive, my mind chants, it’s positive—sitting on the bathroom bench and wait for Raylin to go find Hawk.

  This can’t be really happening. This is a dream. A vivid dream, but a dream nevertheless. Right?

  Miracles, Raylin said. Miracles do happen.

  Caught between shock and a rush of happiness so sharp it hurts, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  Until he walks into the bathroom, and the look on his face makes me feel cold.

  “Layla?” His voice is cool. “Raylin says you took a test. And it’s positive?”

  I lift it toward him, because I have no words for this, and he takes it. Stares at it.

  I can’t read his face. His expression. Is he angry? Is he surprised? It’s so… blank.

  “Is this…” He waves the test at me. “Are you sure?”

  Again, I’m thrown by the way his eyes flash. “Yes.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Neither do I. But it happened.”

  “You said you couldn’t get pregnant. You worried me and made me feel sorry for you, you cried on my shoulder, and now you’re pregnant, just like that? Fuck.” He jabs a finger at me. “I don’t believe it. Was it all a lie? Or is this test a fake? Which is it?”

  My mouth falls open. “Fake? A lie? You think I lied to you?”

  His jaw is tight. “You told me you can’t have kids. You fucking insisted I didn’t need protection. Did you plan this?” He leans in closer, and this time there’s no mistaking the anger in his eyes. “Maybe the kid isn’t even mine.”

  “What?” Anger washes through me in a hot wave, burning up my neck. “I haven’t slept with anyone else since the night I met you.”

  “Yeah?” His face is white, two red spots forming on his cheekbones. “I’ve trusted you. I believed every single word you told me, but right now I don’t know what the hell to believe anymore. What do you want from me, Layla?”

  Oh God. He thinks… he thinks I did this on purpose? That I lied and let myself get pregnant to ask for… what, money?

  Crap.

  “Screw you.” I climb to my feet, leaning against the wall for balance, my chest on fire. “Screw you and your suspicions and you know what? Get out!”

  “Layla—”

  “Get out!” Pulling back my hand, I slap him across the face. “How dare you. Get out of here.”

  Cursing, he turns on his heel and walks out.

  Part of me really wishes he’d stay and overcome me and take me to bed. Talk this out. That he’ll apologize.

  Part of me is glad he left because I’m so damn angry.

  And my heart feels like it’s breaking in half.

  What just happened?

  ***

  He’s not happy I’m pregnant.

  Raylin was wrong. Holy crap, I was wrong. He said he wanted a family with me, so why was he pissed?

  He’s shocked. I get that. Hell, I’m so shocked I can’t stop the tremors coursing through my body.

  I’m sitting on the still unmade bed, the cell phone with the prepaid card Rook gave me in my hand.

  I’m going to call Dorothy. I’ve made up my mind. Not like I’m putting anyone in danger, am I? Not if I don’t tell her where I am. I just need to hear her voice.

  These past couple weeks I have been in a funk, but nothing like now. This fight with Hawk is a black hole, sucking me in, a rollercoaster of emotions going down, never up. Going into darkness. The things Hawk promised me, the way he held me, it’s all turned to ash.

  I’m sinking fast.

  Someone knocks on the bedroom door again. I locked it after Hawk walked out. Someone shouts my name.

  I mark Dorothy’s cell number and walk into the bathroom, close the door behind me. I press Call.

  It rings and rings, goes to voicemail.

  Jeez today. “Dodo, call me, okay? I’m fine, but I really need to talk to you. Please.”

  I disconnect and sigh.

  Now what? What do I do? I place a hand over my stomach, then stare down at it, as if I can see a difference from fifteen minutes ago.

  God.

  I start when my phone buzzes with a message. With shaking hands I open it.

  It says, “Lay, can you come over? Can’t talk right now. Need to see you, too.”

  And that cinches it.

  I’m out of here.

  ***

  “Mr. Jordan said nobody is to leave the premises without his clearance,” the man tells me stonily. He looks like a butler in a dark suit, with a trim mustache and a stick up his ass. “I am sorry I cannot help you.”

  “Me too,” I tell him and walk off to find someone who will help me get out of this place. I walk past the tennis court and am relieved that nobody I know is there.

  Need to find the guy who flew us in. Th
e helipad. That’s my way out.

  From the distance I see the chopper, and I breathe a sigh of relief. That’s good. Two guys are doing something on the side of the chopper. With my luck, the engine’s broken down, or they suddenly ran out of fuel.

  I hurry toward them, dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater over a white camisole that I found in the bedroom closet. There was no jacket for me to borrow, so I’m glad for moving to keep warm. The wind cuts through me like blades.

  “Hey. Hey!” I wave at them as I approach and one of them turns around to see what is going on. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” He looks perplexed. He’s a big guy, big shoulders, beer belly, and at least as tall as Hawk.

  Stop thinking about Hawk.

  “Hi. Are you leaving soon? I need a ride.”

  He scratches the back of his head and glances at the other guy who’s much younger and very blond.

  Don’t think about Hawk and his blond hair. Don’t think of it tickling your face as he kisses you.

  The blond guy frowns. “Mr. Jordan gave instructions—”

  “Mr. Jordan is my friend,” I lie. “And he told every one of you to accommodate the requests of all his guests, isn’t that right?”

  So there.

  The two exchange another look.

  “He did say that,” the big guy says.

  “But shouldn’t we check in with him?”

  “He’s in a meeting with the police. Said not to disturb him.”

  “Goddammit. And we have to buy the stuff Mr. Jordan asked for, too.”

  I shift from foot to foot, nervously biting my lip. “I just need to see my best friend. Just for a while. I can come back with you after you’re finished buying whatever it is you have to buy. I won’t be any trouble.” They’re staring at me, so I plunge on. “She broke up with her boyfriend. She needs to cry on my shoulder.” Like Hawk said I cried on his. Crap. “Nobody will know. I promise.”

  I see the moment they cave in.

  “Just two hours,” the young one says. “We pick you up from Mr. Jordan’s helipad then and come back here.”

  “Fine with me,” I lie again—wow, I’m getting good at this—and climb into the chopper. My hands are shaking. My whole body feels leaden. It’s my heart, I think. My heart is so unbearably heavy.

  Because I’m in love with Hawk, and he just smashed my love for him to pieces. Smashed my mind, and I don’t know how I can get back from that on a day that should be the happiest of my life.