by T. L. Haddix
“I can’t imagine going through what she did and coming out on the other side. To survive that, she has to be one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”
“Dr. Milton says Kathy’s muleheadedness is actually working in her favor now.” Eliza’s smile was rueful. “I always hoped that her stubbornness would come in handy. I just never expected her to have use it to deal with something like this. I do think she’s finally looking toward the future again. I’d love to see her progress enough that she’s able to be with someone. At the same time, I can’t honestly say it will ever happen. It’s going to depend on her, on what she wants.
“I can’t fight her battles for her, no matter how much I wish I could. She’ll have to face those demons her own. And the sad truth is she may not have the emotional strength for anything else, including a relationship. You saw how she was in June. There’s no guarantee she won’t end up right back there or worse.”
“I know. But I have to hope she’ll get better, and that isn’t just because I find her intriguing.” He sighed and pushed back his chair. “I’d best be going.”
They didn’t speak as she walked him to the door and followed him onto the porch into the now-quiet night.
Arms crossed, she looked at the sky, where the stars were obscured by low-hanging smoke and fog. “You know, a lot of people, when they find out that Kathy had an affair, say she’s being punished for that sin, that what happened to her was fitting.”
“A lot of people are idiots.” He fingered the sharp edges of the car keys he’d pulled from his pocket. “I believe in marriage, Mrs. Browning—Eliza,” he corrected at her look. “I do think adultery is a sin. But I think there are always at least two sides to things. Nothing is ever black and white. And it isn’t my place to judge. As far as the punishment issue is concerned, like I said, people are idiots.”
Eliza chuckled tiredly. “Yes, they are. Thank you for everything you did tonight. I already owe you more than I’ll ever be able to repay you.”
“No, ma’am. I was glad to be here.” He moved his glasses up and rubbed his eyes. “I have to go to New York for a while, a few weeks probably, on business. I won’t be around much. Would you mind letting Kathy know? I don’t want her to think I’m avoiding her because of tonight. Not that she has much to do with me when I am in town,” he said wryly. “Your daughter thinks I’m ‘decidedly odd,’ and she isn’t sure whether she likes me or not.”
The grin that spread across Eliza’s face as she wrapped her arms around the post of the porch gave her a mischievous air. “That must have really been an interesting conversation you two had before the fireworks started. And yes, I’ll be happy to tell her. You have a safe trip, you hear?”
“Always.” Charles sketched a half bow. “Take care. Good night.”
Driving home, everything he’d seen, everything he’d learned raced through his head, combining into some weird loop that left him emotionally drained. He didn’t hold Kathy’s past against her; holding grudges wasn’t something Charles had ever been able to do, much less against someone who’d done him no harm whatsoever. But at the same time, he was grateful to have the opportunity to put some space between him and Kathy, to try to get perspective on his feelings, her past, and what all of that might mean going forward.
Chapter Fifteen
Kathy didn’t hear from Charles for close to two weeks, and that was fine by her. She was horribly embarrassed about having had an attack in front of him, and she was too mortified for words at the prospect of having to face him again. But then one Thursday evening when she got home, a small package was waiting for her on the kitchen table.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“Why don’t you open it and find out?” Eliza was cooking supper, having gotten home earlier than Kathy. “Very interesting return address, I noticed.”
Frowning, Kathy looked at the writing. A bold hand, the sender one C. Kelly, care of a hotel, postmarked New York City. “What in the world would he be sending me?”
Her mother handed her a knife to slit the paper with. “Open it and see.”
Giving up on hiding her curiosity, Kathy did. Two slim volumes were tucked inside along with a note.
Kathy,
I hope the new year is treating you well. I happened by a small bookstore the other day, and I came across these. I thought you might find them interesting. One’s a sampler of sorts, a compendium of American poetry, something to whet your appetite. The other is a collection of poems by a gentleman named Langston Hughes. He has a particular eloquence I think you might appreciate based on our conversation.
Please say hello to your mother for me.
Your decidedly odd something of a friend,
C.
“Well?” Eliza asked, peering over her shoulder.
Kathy handed her the note, looking at the books. “What in the world do I make of that, Mama?”
Eliza rested her head briefly against Kathy’s. “I’d say you’ve made a conquest. ‘Decidedly odd something of a friend.’” She laughed. “Is that what you young people are calling it these days?”
Kathy felt herself blush. “I’m not even sure I like him.”
“Mm-hmmm. That’s what he told me the other night.” Eliza’s look was knowing. “Take your time, baby girl. Enjoy being young and having the world at your feet for once. Let it be as simple as a handsome man sending you a gift. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that, not right now.”
Shaking her head, Kathy tucked the note into one of the books. “I’m not the baby, you know,” she called over her shoulder. “Not the youngest girl, not the youngest child.”
“Yes, well, you’re my first baby girl, aren’t you?” Eliza hollered back. “Get changed so we can eat. I’m famished.”
Kathy didn’t tarry in her room as she changed into the comfortable pants and loose T-shirt she liked to garden in. She had several things she needed to do tonight before she retired for the evening, and now that she had the new books to look at, she was even more eager to get her chores out of the way. Regardless of her mother’s words though, she couldn’t help but wonder why Charles had sent her the gifts.
“I’ll have to repay him somehow,” she said as she let her hair down with a sigh of relief. “I’ll come up with something later. Maybe Shannon can help.” Since they’d met, she and the quirky librarian had developed a friendship.
As she left her room, she let her fingers brush against the bindings of the books. The significance of the poetry might be many things, but somehow, Kathy didn’t think uncomplicated was one of them.
Chapter Sixteen
“What do you think it means?” It was Friday, and Kathy was having her weekly therapy session with Dr. Milton. She’d brought in the note from Charles, needing an unbiased opinion. “My mother thinks he’s interested in me.”
Dr. Milton shrugged. “I think it sounds like a nice gift, and I’d say Eliza might be on to something. How would you feel about that?”
Kathy paced to the window. “I don’t know. Scared?” She glanced over her shoulder. “I don’t understand why he’d be interested in me. Who am I? Especially compared to who he is. He’s a lawyer, and I never even graduated high school.”
“You could easily remedy that. Go back to school. They have programs.”
“Sure, they do. And I can just erase my past while I’m at it.” She sighed. “I’m not ready for this. I’m a mess, Doc, and I probably always will be.”
Dr. Milton smiled with sympathy. “We’re all a mess in one way or another, dear. Life’s rarely as neat as it’s painted in movies or on television. It’s very often chaotic and painful and awkward. Are you interested in Charles?”
Kathy laughed. “I don’t know. Honestly, I barely know the man.”
“He’s played a pretty big role in your life for someone you barely know, and from what I can tell, he keeps t
urning up at key points.”
“He does. My mother’s fond of saying people come into our lives when they do for a reason. I’m starting to think he’s in my life just to torment me, to tempt me with something I can’t have. He said he doesn’t want kids,” she mused softly. “If I were more like my sister, he’d be perfect for me.”
“Kathy, do you think you don’t deserve to be happy?”
The question blindsided her, not because it was unexpected but because it was so dead-on accurate. She returned to the comfortable chair she thought of as hers and stared at Dr. Milton for a long minute.
“I don’t think I do, no,” she finally answered, tears rising. She laughed bitterly as she swiped at them. “How stupid is that?”
“Not stupid at all and not surprising given what you’ve been through. It’s natural, when we endure something tragic and traumatic, to search for any explanation for what happened. That’s part of the condition of being human. But the sad truth is that sometimes there is no logical explanation for the things that happen. When that’s the case, when we can’t assign blame to our satisfaction, we often internalize it. When you first came to me, you blamed yourself for what Randall had done. Do you still?”
Kathy looked at her hands. “I blame myself for creating the situation that put us all there.”
“That’s a fair assessment,” Dr. Milton said. When Kathy looked at her in surprise, she held up a hand. “Do you think you were responsible for that situation on your own?”
Thinking back to her relationship with Clay, Kathy sighed. “No, I wasn’t. I didn’t set out as some femme fatale to seduce Clay, you know. Cheating on Randall never crossed my mind, not once, until I was in over my head.” She shook her head slowly. “I was so ripe for the picking with Clay. I see that now. I don’t think I ever loved him, and I don’t know that I believe he ever loved me. I think he saw me as a conquest, and that was one of the reasons he went to Randall’s work that day and told him what was going on, to show him he was the better man. It didn’t have anything to do with him feeling regretful or needing to make amends so we could start our life together without guilt. He was bragging. Then when Randall called him to the house later, he came to show him he was stronger. He didn’t expect what happened.”
She accepted the tissues Dr. Milton handed her and blew her nose. “Thank you. You know, just when I think this is getting easier”—she gestured around the room—“we go and tap into another well of darkness.”
“That’s the nature of this beast, I’m afraid.” Dr. Milton tapped her pen on the corner of her notepad. “Tell me about your parents’ relationship with each other.”
“Mama and Daddy?” Kathy smiled. “Oh, they were a pair. They met when they were children, and from the moment they laid eyes on each other, Mama said she knew he was the one.”
“What stands out to you about them? When you think of them together, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind?”
She moved a shoulder. “How much they enjoyed the simple things together. Being in the same room, giving little touches when they’d pass each other. How they’d tease each other without saying a word.” Her lips tightened. “How losing him meant losing part of her too. They were that connected, that in sync. My brother and my sister, they’re both like that with their spouses. On some levels, I envy them that closeness. I’d give anything in the world to have someone care about me like that. And at the same time, the very thought scares me to death.”
“Why?” Dr. Milton asked.
“Because. It just does. The trust it would require, the level to which I’d have to let them in… no.”
“Did you trust Randall and Clay?”
She shook her head adamantly, not even having to consider the question. “No. I never expected to be stuck with Randall, and Clay… no. It’s funny that I can see that now.”
Dr. Milton smiled. “I believe that’s called progress.”
Kathy gave a soft laugh. “I believe you’re right.” She groaned. “That still doesn’t help me with the issue of what to do about Charles.”
“Want my advice?”
“Of course I do. I need your advice, and I’d like your opinion.”
The doctor laid down her pen and sat forward. “Listen to your mother. Don’t do anything you don’t feel safe doing or aren’t comfortable with, but for goodness’ sake, don’t be afraid to live. Maybe he just wants to be friends, or maybe he wants something more. But don’t let Randall and Clay and all the murky things in the past prevent you from having a future. This is me speaking to you on a personal level, not just as a doctor to a patient. You’re too sweet and bright and young to let those pathetic, asinine men ruin the rest of your life. The last thing Randall would have wanted is you to be happy again, and that’s exactly why you should try. Because otherwise he wins, and Kathy—please don’t let him win.”
“You know it isn’t that simple,” Kathy whispered.
“I do know that. There are no guarantees, and there are a lot of hurdles to consider. But I’d like to see you try when you think you’re ready.”
Kathy pushed her hair back off her ear. “I can’t make you any promises.”
“But you’ll consider what we’ve discussed?”
She smiled solemnly. “Dr. Milton, I always consider what we discuss. I’ve gotten very good at that. I don’t always like my homework, but I always do it.”
They both laughed, and Dr. Milton stood. “Come on. I’ll walk you out.”
“Have you ever been in love?” Kathy asked as they headed out through the garden.
“Once upon a time, yes.” Dr. Milton smiled. “It didn’t work out for us. We met at a time when we were going different places, our lives intersecting in a tangled mess of emotion and desire, and we couldn’t make it fit. I wouldn’t go back and trade that time for anything in the world.”
“Despite the pain?” Kathy was skeptical.
“Yes, despite the pain. Absolutely, unequivocally yes. I like to think there’s an alternate universe out there somewhere where we’re together, where things worked out. And who knows? Maybe in the future, we’ll have another chance. Things aren’t over until they nail the lid shut on the coffin, Kathy. I’m not sure they’re finished even then. Everything else in this life recycles, and I don’t know why people should be any different.”
As she rode the bus home, Kathy was left again with so much to consider her head was spinning. She wasn’t sure that what she’d learned from this visit wasn’t somehow scarier than her first few sessions with Dr. Milton. Then, she’d had the comfort of a safety net to catch her if she fell. Now? At least part of that net had been taken away, and she had to walk the line carefully to keep from falling.
“Maybe I’ll take a page out of Sarah’s book and try being cautious this once,” she said as she disembarked at the bus stop. “After all, that’s worked out pretty well for her.”
It couldn’t hurt to try, and it sure as heck beat how she’d handled things in the past.
Chapter Seventeen
Charles got back into town late Thursday night, a week after he’d sent Kathy the books. The trip had been productive, but he’d been so busy with work he’d barely set foot outside the conference room other than to walk to his hotel and back. If the bookstore hadn’t been on his way, he’d not have been able to even stop there. As a result, he was simultaneously exhausted and stricken with cabin fever, an odd mix of feelings that had him turned sideways.
He stopped at a small diner not far from his house and had supper, then he went home and fell straight into bed, so tired he didn’t move until the next morning when his phone rang.
Finally getting his hand on the receiver after a clumsy fumble, he rasped, “Yeah?”
A low chuckle met his ear. “Rough night?” Herman was one of the senior partners at the firm. He was a few years older than Charles and a good friend as well
as a colleague.
Charles slumped back on the pillows, yawning. “Rough trip. Short night. What time is it?”
“After nine. I figured you’d either be in here bright-eyed and bushy-tailed or not at all. Think you’ll make it in today?”
“Is it going to cause any problems if I say no?” Charles stretched carefully, not surprised to find every muscle in his body sore. “I’ve been going nonstop for three weeks now. I might stay here and sleep all day.”
Herman laughed. “I’ll believe that when I see it, unless you’ve got a pretty little thing in bed with you. No, it won’t cause any problems. Take the rest of the weekend if you want. We can always call if we need you before Monday. No, put it there. I’ll look at it in a minute. Thanks,” he said to someone else, and Charles heard a door close a moment later. “So do you have a pretty young thing in your bed?”
Charles snorted. “Gee, get personal, why don’t you, Herm? As if I’d tell you if I did.” He sat up against the headboard, staring at the empty space beside him. “I’ll take a few days. I missed the fresh sea air. I dang near froze my ass off up there. I’d forgotten how cold winter can be. I think I’ll hit the beach and thaw out before I come back in.”
“Good. You need to take some time for yourself. You work too much, you know. Give us a shout if you need us, and we’ll see you Monday.”
After they hung up, Charles headed into the bathroom for a quick shower. Clean and feeling somewhat refreshed, he got dressed and went to the kitchen to see if he could scrounge up anything to eat. He needed to go to the store soon, as he’d emptied out the fridge before he left for New York.
Staring at the empty shelves, he shrugged. “The diner it is.”
