She fumbled the second door open, Rolan crowding into the entrance after her. Kris had beaten her to the Station with his final load shortly before, and had fumigated it and started a fire in the fireplace. He unfastened her from Rolan; she stumbled thankfully toward the yellow beacon of the fire with half-frozen limbs. He led Rolan into the shelter of the Station itself, and as she collapsed next to the warmth of the flames she saw that he had brought in Tantris and the chirras as well. It made things a bit crowded until he got them all settled, but Talia knew that there was no way anything could live long in the howling winds outside.
She peeled off her snow-caked garments and hung them beside Kris’ on pegs above the fireplace. Kris was already taking care of meal preparations, so after she slipped into her woolen shift and old breeches (feeling far too exhausted for a complete change of clothing) she made a nest of the dun-colored blankets from both their bedrolls on top of dry straw in front of the fire. This way they could warm their aching, shivering bodies in comfort while waiting for whatever it was to cook.
* * *
She blinked stupidly at the fire, mind and body alike still numb and cold. She held to that numbness, stubbornly, not wanting to face the alternative to numbness. She succeeded; she remained sunk in exhausted apathy long after she normally would have begun to show some signs of life. Kris was standing over her for several minutes before she realized he was there.
“Talia…” he began awkwardly, “I know this isn’t the time or the place, but there isn’t likely to be a better one. I have to talk to you.”
Without really realizing it, she rose slowly to her still-benumbed feet, feeling a cold that had nothing to do with the blizzard outside. “Ab-b-b-out what?” she stuttered, fearing the worst.
“Kerithwyn had some words with me before we left,” he said, as the despair she’d been holding off with the last of her strength came down on her with the same overwhelming power as the storm—and with it, oddly enough, a hopeless kind of rage. “Hell, Talia—she told me you’ve been holding back on me; that your Gift is totally out of control!”
Something within her shattered, letting loose the storm she’d held pent up for so long.
* * *
Kris was expecting anger, denial—but not this! He was battered by alternating waves of suicidal despair, and killing rage; the shock of it literally sent him to his knees. His eyes filmed with a red mist. There was a roaring in his ears, behind which he could dimly hear the squeal of an angry horse and the clatter of hooves on stone.
That was what brought him out, before he grabbed a weapon and killed himself, her, or both of them. He built up the strongest shield he could, fought his way to his feet, and rushed her, literally slamming her into the wall behind her with enough force to make his own teeth rattle.
“Stop it!” he shouted at the wild, inhuman thing struggling beneath his hands. “Damn you, stop it! Look what you’re doing to us!” He wrenched her around violently, so that she could see for herself the unbelievable sight of Rolan backing Tantris into a corner, teeth bared and eyes wild and red-rimmed. “Look what you’re doing to them!”
She stared—and collapsed so suddenly he didn’t even have time to catch her, for she fell right through his hands. She fell and curled into a limp ball on the cold stone floor of the Station, sobbing as if she had lost everything she ever held dear.
And the storm within the Station walls faded away to nothing.
He went to his knees beside her, and gathered her against his shoulder. She didn’t resist—didn’t even seem to know he was there. He held her while she cried, horrible, tearing sobs that seemed to be ripping her apart inside, while the fire he’d started burned lower and lower, and the storm outside echoed her heartbroken weeping.
Finally, when it seemed possible that the fire might die altogether, he picked her up and put her in the nest of blankets and hay. She curled up, facing away from him and still crying, while he built up the fire, finished the tasks he’d left undone, and returned to her.
He got in beside her, chilled to the bone, and took her equally cold body into his arms again. The violence of her grief seemed to have worn itself out; he shook her a little. “Come on—” he said, feeling more than awkward. “Talk to me, lady—”
“I—I—” she sobbed. “I want to die!”
“Why? Because your Gift got out of control? What kind of attitude is that for a Herald?”
“I’m no kind of Herald.”
“Like bloody hell!” he interrupted. “Who says?”
“Everyone—you told me—”
“Oh, hell…” Now he realized what it was that triggered this whole mess in the first place—himself, telling her the rumors about her. Gods—he knew she hadn’t a high level of self-esteem—what he’d said back at the start of this trip must have hit her like a punch in the kidneys. He must have started her on a round of self-examination and self-doubt that turned into a downturning spiral she hadn’t the power to stop. Her Gift was the sort of thing that would feed on doubt and make it reality—which in turn would feed her doubts, reinforcing them as her loss of control turned rumor into truth.
And this was the result. A fully developed Gift without any controls on it whatsoever, and a young woman ready to kill herself the minute he turned his back.
“Listen to me—dammit Talia, listen!” He shook her again. “If things were that bad, Rolan would have left you. He’d have repudiated anybody not worthy of her Whites. Has he made any move like that at all?”
“N-n-n-no…”
“Has he even warned you?”
The sobs were fading. “N-n-no.”
“He’s helped you, hasn’t he? He’s kept your damned secret. He thinks you’re still a Herald. So act like one, dammit! Stop emoting and start thinking. You’re in a mess; now how can we get you out of it?”
She looked up at him for the first time, eyes swollen and red. “We?”
“We,” he repeated. “I’m as much to blame for this as you are. I should never have told you those damned stories—should have believed you when you told me they weren’t true. I’d be willing to bet it was my doubt that made all this worse. Hmm?”
She shook her head, then hid her face against his chest. He pulled her closer, and began stroking her hair and rocking her a little. “Poor baby—” he murmured, “—poor scared, lonely baby—here—try this.” He reached out and seized a small leather bottle from the top of his pile of belongings beside them, and passed it to her. “One of the standard cures for sensitivity is wine. This ought to blunt your edges good!”
Talia accepted the bottle, took a gulp and almost choked. The stuff was like drinking sweet, liquid fire!
“What—is—that?” she asked when she’d stopped gasping for breath.
“Something the Healers make—spirits of wine, they call it. They make it by freezing the wine they make from honey, and throwing away the ice; that’s what’s left. The one that looks like a bear gave it to me before we left.”
Talia took another drink, just a sip this time, and with more caution. It didn’t burn the way the first mouthful had, and left behind a very pleasant sensation in her mouth and stomach. And it certainly did blunt the edges of both her sensitivity and her raw nerves. That was the best thing that had happened to her all day, so she took a third swallow.
“Easy there, little one,” Kris laughed, sounding relieved. “That stuff’s potent!”
“I can tell,” she said, feeling a bit giddy. “But I feel a lot better. Not so raw.”
“That was what I hoped,” he replied, appropriating the bottle and drinking from it himself. “I suppose we shouldn’t be drinking it on an empty stomach, but I figure you need it. Hell, after what I’ve been through, so do I!”
She had drunk enough that she was just aware of Kris’ mental presence; his proximity was no longer painful. “Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.”
She lay quietly in the circle of his arms, feeling utterly drained, as they
continued to share sips of the bottle. The fire popped and crackled, with little bits of blue and green flame among the red and orange. She was finally beginning to feel warm all the way through—something she hadn’t thought likely out there in the snow—and relaxed—something she hadn’t thought likely ever again. The fire smelled of evergreens, like forest-green incense. The chirras and Companions shifted a little from time to time, rustling the straw Kris had laid down for them. Gods—what she’d almost done to them! She touched with Rolan just long enough to assure herself that he was all right…
His forgiveness and love was so total that tears came to her eyes again.
“Hey,” Kris said gently, “I thought we’d agreed there’d be no more of that.”
When she didn’t reply, he put one hand under her chin, tilted it up, and kissed her.
It was intended, to be a brotherly kiss.
It didn’t stay brotherly for more than an instant.
“Bright Havens!” he breathed in surprise when they finally moved apart.
Talia leaned back into his shoulder; her desire had surprised her as much as it had him, although she knew that was a common enough reaction after great stress. She wasn’t aware of him as her counselor or even as a Herald at this moment—only as a friend and an emotional shelter—and knew with certainty that he was as aware of her need as she was of his own. This time she reached for him.
As their mouths met and opened, he gently slipped the shift down past her waist. She shivered in delight as his mouth brushed the back of her neck, the line of her shoulders, as he kissed away her tears; he sighed as she nibbled his earlobe timidly. With her shields gone, they seemed to be feeling every tiny nuance of each other’s reactions. As she traced the line of his spine with a feather-like touch, she felt it as much as he—when she tensed and gasped as he found an unexpectedly responsive spot, he tensed in sympathy as well.
Finally, their mutual desires grew too impatient to be put off any longer; he slowly let her down on the blankets beside him, sank into her embrace, and entered her.
He was totally unprepared for the stab of pain that was shared as the pleasure had been. He would have withdrawn from her at once, but she clung to him with fierceness and would not let him go.
She’d expected pain, and endured it. What she had not expected was that he would curb his own desire, to bring her past the pain, and finally to patiently wait on her pleasure before taking his own.
She shifted over as he collapsed, then nestled into the curve of his arm again. They curled together in their warm nest, spent and replete, and feeling no urgent need to do anything other than savor the experience they’d shared. For long moments there was no sound at all but the sounds of the fire, and the tiny stirrings of the four at the other end of the station.
* * *
He turned his head to look into her dark eyes, wide and drowsy with content. “Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?” he asked softly.
“You didn’t ask,” she said sleepily. “Why? Is it that important?”
“I don’t think I’d have loved you if I’d known.”
“All the more reason not to tell you,” she pointed out logically. She nestled closer to him, her head on his chest, pulling blankets over both of them. “But I’m glad it was you.”
“Why?”
“Among other things, my gossiping Heraldic sisters were right. It was… a lot nicer than I’d been led to believe first times usually are.”
“A compliment?” he asked, amused.
“A compliment.”
A thought occurred to him. “Wait a minute. I thought you and Skif…”
She smiled, the first real smile he’d gotten out of her in weeks. “That’s what you were supposed to think. It was awful—we both had horrid schedules, and we were so exhausted that we kept falling asleep before we could get anywhere.”
She told him the comic-frustrating tale of their abortive romance, and how it had finally culminated in their swearing blood-brotherhood, rather than bed.
“Poor Skif! And poor Talia,” he chuckled. “You knew he’d be teased half to death if that tale got out, didn’t you? So you let everyone think otherwise.”
“Mm-hmm. Poor Skif…” she yawned, “victim of unrequited lust.” She was falling asleep in his arms, and as much as he hated to disturb her, he knew that he’d better.
“Wake up, sleepy. If you don’t want to greet the dawn with a headache, you’d better have some food in you, and something to drink besides that devil’s brew. The last thing you need is a hangover in the morning, and as potent as that stuff is, you’re likely to wish you had died if you let it give you one. And we may be warm now, but we’re going to wake up cold and stiff in the middle of the night if we don’t make up a better bed. After all we’ve weathered, I’d hate to see you cramped in knots for want of a little sense.”
She yawned hugely but didn’t protest. They both rummaged out clean bedclothes and pulled them on. While he ladled stew out of the pot over the fire, she remade their “nest” with everything she could find to use as a blanket. He made hot tea, and they drank it with their meal.
They bedded down in each other’s arms after he’d banked the fire, seeing no reason now to return to their practice of separate beds.
“I’m awfully glad this happened now,” she said before he drifted off to sleep.
“Why’s that, little bird?”
“Two sleep warmer together than two alone… and it’s getting a lot colder.”
* * *
Kris was pleased to discover that (unlike some lovers he’d had) Talia was a quiet sleeper; not at all restless, and not inclined to steal the blankets (which was, in his opinion, the quickest way to ruin an otherwise satisfactory relationship). He found her presence oddly comforting, and an especially good antidote to the howl of the wind outside.
He woke once when Tantris tickled his mind into wakefulness; he and Rolan wanted out. He was very grateful for the tiny entranceway this Station possessed; it wasn’t part of the usual design, but with crowding he could fit one Companion and one chirra inside and still close the door to the interior before opening the outer door. If the exterior door had opened directly into the Station as was usually the case, every time he had to let them out he’d be letting most of the heat they’d built up out with them.
The wind hadn’t slackened in the least, and the snow was still coming down as thickly as before. It was definitely daylight, but he couldn’t even tell where the sun was, much less see how high it was. It took all his strength to keep the door from being blown out of his hands; he realized then that this was why they’d awakened him and not Talia. He’d left halters and lead-reins on the chirras, which the Companions used to lead them outside.
One more advantage of chirras, he reflected wryly. You can’t housebreak mules.
The scrape of a hoof on the door signaled their return. He managed to hold to the door and slammed it behind them, but in spite of the buffering of the entranceway, their exit and re-entrance had stolen a noticeable amount of the heat from the room. He built the fire back up after filling the biggest pot they had with clean snow, then carefully groomed all four of ice and snow. He made sure they were comfortable, and noticed with a smile that all four of them lay in a close-packed group, with chirras on the outside and Companions in the middle.
“You’re too clever by half,” he told Tantris, and smiled at the Companion’s amusement-laden reply.
:Given the choice, would you take the outside? They’ve got the coats for this, brother-in-soul—we haven’t!:
He was grateful for Tantris’ nonchalance; both the Companions seemed to be taking the events of the previous night as simply one more obstacle to be met and dealt with, rather than an insurmountable disaster. That heartened him, for he expected to need their help.
He hung the pot full of half-melted snow over the fire, then banked it again before returning to the bed that was looking better by the moment.
When he slipped i
n beside Talia he got another delightful surprise. Instead of pulling away, Talia actually hugged his chilled body to her warm one until he was no longer shivering, despite being three-quarters asleep herself. There never, he reflected as he drifted back to dreams, was a truer test of friendship!
* * *
When he finally woke of his own accord, he judged that several hours had passed; it was probably late morning or early afternoon. There didn’t seem to be any real reason to get up; the winds still howled with the same ferocity outside.
“I wish these Stations had a window,” he said drowsily. “It’s impossible to tell if it’s still snowing or not.”
“No, it isn’t,” Talia murmured sleepily in his ear.
He hadn’t realized she was awake. “No, it isn’t, what?”
“It’s not impossible to tell if snow’s still coming down. Listen, and you can hear it on the roof and windward walls. It has a different sound than wind alone. It kind of hisses.”
Kris listened; she was right. There was a hissing undertone to the storm outside. “How did you know about that?” he asked, more than a little surprised.
“Comes of sleeping in the attic. There’re no windows in the attic of a Hold house, and that’s where all the littles sleep. If you wanted to know what kind of weather to dress for, you learned to recognize all the sounds that weather makes. Where are you going?”
“Now that we’re awake, I’m going to get the fire built back up.”
He got an armload of wood from the stack he’d brought inside earlier, exposed the banked coals, and soon had it blazing again. In spite of the heat given off by the banked coals, the room was icy; the chimney was cleverly baffled, but the wind was still succeeding in stealing some of their heat. He was quite chilled by the time he was satisfied with the state of the fire. When he slid back in beside her, Talia again snuggled up to warm him.
“That’s definitely above and beyond the call of duty,” he said, when he’d stopped shivering. “Thanks.”
Heralds of Valdemar (A Valdemar Omnibus) Page 42
