Forbidden

by R. R. Banks

  My body was still humming when I arrived back at my house an hour later. Veronica had left my office to meet Javi at the party where she had left him and I knew that there was no point in me trying to continue to work. Nothing was going to keep my mind on the tedium of planning assignments and outlining further research when all I wanted to think about was how it felt to be buried deep inside Veronica.

  Be my little baby.

  The lights were glowing around my house, diminishing the effect of the motion detector spotlight bursting on when I drove up into the driveway. In that moment, though, I felt like even if they weren't on, I wouldn't have reacted to the light. I was feeling too relaxed, too satisfied. As I walked into the house, a new feeling settled over me. For so long I had pushed against the sense that my wife wouldn't want me to be lonely. The thought of even looking at a woman had made me feel guilty, but now I was filled with the awareness that she wouldn't want me to feel that way. That wasn't what she had intended.

  I could still see the words on the paper, the cream-colored letterhead that had once been used for thank you notes and invitations now held the collection of her final thoughts. Those words were what I had left of her. They were my glimpse into the last moments that she belonged to this earth. The smooth, seamless handwriting was a testament to the calm that had taken over her in those moments, the clarity of the thoughts that she was recording. Something that had stood out to me from those pages, the sentiment that had stayed with me like a thorn lodged within me, was that she didn't want me to be alone. She wanted me to live on, to find someone to take care of me. To find someone to love.

  I couldn't give her that.

  Anything else. I would have done anything else for her, given her anything else, but that was something that I hadn't been able to do. I couldn't give her that. I could find solace and enjoyment in Veronica's body, but I couldn't bring her closer.

  Chapter Ten

  Veronica

  The moonlight coming through my bedroom window created a shaft of illumination that fell on my stockings draped across the back of a chair. I could see them across the room and a shiver went through me at the thought of Jude's hands running down them as he lay me across his desk and plunged deep inside me. My body was still tingling from the new and enthralling sensation. There was a tenderness, but the pain was delicious, a reminder of the way that he had explored me.

  I couldn't get the look in his eyes out of my mind. They had burned into me, the gaze sultry and hungry. I had never seen a look like that before and it had immediately taken hold of me. In that moment I felt like I couldn't have denied him even if I wanted to.

  But I hadn't wanted to. Nothing would have made me deny him.

  The way that he looked at me only sparked the desire in me and made it burn hotter, turning it into a craving that I could never have described. Now that I had experienced him, though, the craving wasn't satiated. Instead, it was like I had been given a taste and I only wanted more. There was so much more to explore and though this wasn't the way that I ever would have thought this would unfold, I wanted to throw myself into it. I wanted to experience it fully and completely, without hesitation or fear. I had already had enough fear and allowed it to control me too much.

  I was surprised by his response to me revealing that I was a virgin. Though I had been instantly receptive to him and swept away by his dominant, almost aggressive passion, part of me had been worried that he would step back because of my inexperience. But it hadn't bothered him. In fact, he seemed almost pleased. I had given myself over to and eagerly accepted his teaching.

  At the front of the apartment, I heard the door open and close loudly. Javi made a shushing sound and I groaned. The last time I saw him he had just slid down the banister at the party house and someone in a purple alien costume had caught him. He had barely noticed that it had taken me so long to get back to the party and we had already been there for hours by the time I told him that I was ready to leave. He said that he would come along as the purple alien spun him around, but he looked like he was having so much fun that I didn't want to take him away from it. With the promise that he would call for a ride-share home, I told him that I would head home myself and see him later. Now it seemed that Javi had forgone the sharing and decided instead to just ride the alien home. I wasn't looking forward to the awkward moment in the morning when he realized that he was waking up with someone he didn't recognize.

  Again.

  The door to my room creaked open and I sat upright, pulling my blanket up over myself even though the cold night air had convinced me into my thermal pajamas for the first time that season.

  "Javi," I hissed. "Wrong room."

  "What?" he asked.

  "Wrong room," I repeated.

  "What are you doing in my room?" he asked.

  Confusion hit me.

  "I'm not," I said.

  "Then what room are you in?"

  "My room."

  "Isn't that where you should be?"

  "What?"

  The conversation was starting to make me feel dizzy. The light in the hallway popped on and I could see Javi silhouetted against the glow. Just as I had expected, most of his Huckleberry balloons were gone and he was holding his fin in his hand.

  "Are you supposed to be in a different room?"

  "Not that I know of."

  "Then I'm in the right room."

  "I don't want whoever you are with in my room!"

  He looked around himself at the hallway that I was just noticing was empty except for him.

  "Who am I with?"

  "You shushed someone."

  "The door."

  "You shushed the door?"

  "It was closing very loudly and I didn't want it to wake you."

  "But then you came in here."

  "Yes."

  "You shushed the door to stop it from waking me up so that you could then come in here and wake me up?"

  Javi stared at me for a few beats and the hallway light turned off. I heard him make his way back through the apartment and the front door open and close. A second later it opened again, closed slowly, then Javi's footsteps made their way to my room. The light turned back on.

  "Better?"

  "Yes."

  He came into my room and sat on the end of the bed. The combination of the moonlight and the light from the hallway was enough that I could see his face and the expectant expression.

  "Well?" he finally asked.

  "What?"

  I adjusted my position so that I was reclined against the pillows.

  "A little birdie told me that you didn't get back to the party until an hour after you dropped me off. And by a little birdie, I mean the muscle queen in the Big Bird hat and feathered thong."

  "I'm so sorry I missed that."

  "Aren't you going to tell me what you were doing during that hour? Because I know that you weren't out trying to snag half-priced Halloween candy."

  I hesitated. I had always shared everything with Javi. From the time that we met, he had been my best friend, the rock that I relied on to see me through when I was struggling. He had made me so much stronger. He had kept me from falling apart when I lost my grandmother and brought the sense of safety and security back to nights plagued with nightmares. Telling him everything that was going on in my life had always been something that I just did, something that came as naturally to me as if I was telling it to myself. But this time I hesitated. The truth of where I had gone that night and what had happened didn't come to the tip of my tongue. Instead, it remained hidden in the back of my mind. I didn't know if I was ready to tell him.

  I wasn't ashamed of what had happened, but I also didn't yet know how I actually felt about it. I knew that as soon as I told Javi, it became real. It became something that was out in the universe rather than just existing between Jude and me, and with that came Javi's feelings and perceptions about it. He wouldn't hesitate to tell me what he thought about it or his perceptions of what I should do next. I
didn't want to hear those yet. I didn't want to give them the opportunity to influence my own reactions or decisions. I didn't know what Jude was thinking or how he felt about the encounter. Maybe it was just one crazy, impulsive event that he hadn't intended to happen and never meant to happen again. There was so much going on in my mind that I felt like I needed to wait to share it with Javi until I had sorted out how I felt about it and what might happen.

  "I had to go check in with a professor about a project," I said, just barely skirting a lie so I didn't feel quite as guilty.

  Javi let out a burdened sigh.

  "You can't just have fun, can you? It's like you have to pay penance to the gods of academia because you wanted to go to a party."

  His choice of words brought a smile to my lips and I turned away to try to conceal it from him. I wasn't sure if I would call it penance, but I certainly felt like I had worshipped a certain god of academia that night.

  The tingling warmth of the afterglow had dissipated a few days later as I stood in the empty dance studio staring at the full-length mirror at myself. Jude had abruptly canceled his seminar the afternoon before without giving any explanation. He hadn't even called me to tell me personally. Instead, he had included me in the email that he sent out to the entire class that said nothing more than "Class is canceled for this afternoon. Refer to syllabus for assignments."

  My stomach had sunk when I read the email. I had tried not to let myself expect to hear from him in the days after Halloween or even to think that I might hear from him. I had managed to distract myself and not think too much about it, figuring that the moment that we faced each other in class would tell me what I needed to know. Reading that message, though, was like a shot to my gut. Suddenly I wasn't just wondering what Jude thought. I felt panic building inside me, questions bouncing off each other in my mind, filling it until I felt I could hear them swelling in my ears. I had thought that maybe he would not want to acknowledge what had happened and that I could go into class and he would act as though nothing had changed, not wanting to even mention it. Now, though, I realized that something worse was happening.

  Jude didn't just want to pretend that it didn't happen. He was embarrassed about it and didn't even want to face me. He might even worry that I was going to rethink my consent and go to the University.

  I hadn't been able to concentrate on anything since receiving that email. Coming to the studio was an escape. It was my refuge where I could be alone and lose myself away from everything else. I had left most of the lights in the studio off so only one of the fluorescent bulbs embedded in the ceiling was shining down on the well-worn floor. I stood in the dim pool of illumination and stared at myself in the mirror. Whenever I was struggling with something, whenever my thoughts were overwhelming me and I felt like I couldn't handle what was happening around me, I came here. I returned to the basics. I found solace and comfort in the simplest of movements and the roots of my training. Here I was in control. Here I had no questions. I could come to the studio and lose myself in movements that were as natural and comfortable for my body as breathing. Though I always felt like when I danced I wasn't thinking about anything else and my mind was free, I usually found that when I left the studio things felt clearer and I was better able to confront what had been bothering me and make decisions that had been eluding me.

  I checked the alignment of my hips and then began to stretch. As I moved, the chill of the room rolled away from my skin and I could feel my muscles coming alive. They awakened with memory, falling into place the same way that they had countless times before. Soon I was in the flow where it seemed as though my mind wasn't even controlling my movements anymore. Instead, my body had completely taken over. The movements were visceral and compulsive, carrying me through the space so that I filled as much of it with my energy as I could while absorbing the potential from the area around me to push me further into each shape. When I felt that I was sufficiently warmed up, I moved across the room to the barre that was secured to the wall. The overhead light barely touched this area so I stood in near darkness as I lifted one leg to rest on the barre and stretched over to take hold of my ankle. I felt the stretch along my side and up across my ribs and I relaxed into it further to deepen the stretch. Bending my supporting knee, I grasped my ankle and straightened, lifting my leg from the barre so I could feel the stretch in my thigh and hip. I leaned to the side, bringing my leg with me while focusing all my thought and energy into my balance.

  Satisfied with the stretch, I lowered my leg and repeated the process on the other side. By the time that I was finished with the circuit, my body felt warmed and loosened, ready for more intensive movement. I crossed the studio again to where my phone sat on the floor and scrolled through the music until I found the right track. I rode the strains of music across the floor, first running through the choreography that had been forming in my mind over the last few weeks, then just letting my body move how it wanted to. The song ended and a brief beat of silence led into the next. This happened twice more before I turned to face the door to the studio and gasped when I saw a figure standing in the doorway.

  "I'm sorry," Jude said. "I didn't mean to startle you."

  I pressed my hand against my chest to try to slow the pounding of my heart and drew in a breath to settle my shaking.

  "I didn't know you were there," I said.

  He pushed away from the doorframe and took a step in toward me.

  "I saw your car parked outside the building," he said. "It's late."

  I nodded.

  "I know," I said. "I just needed to think."

  "Is there anyone else here?"

  "I don't think so. I have special authorization to come into the rehearsal buildings to work on my senior piece. I have to scan my student ID. How did you get in?"

  He indicated the ID badge attached to his pocket with a metal clasp.

  "Faculty ID," he said. "I can access any building I need to."

  He was coming toward me and I could see his eyes trailing along my body again the same way that they had when he watched my rehearsal. In an instant, I was in his arms, his mouth on the side of my neck. His lips stroked my skin and I felt his teeth nip at my collar bone before his tongue flicked at the hollow at the base of my throat. His hands grasped the neckline of my leotard and pulled it down until the tops of my breasts spilled out of it. Jude lowered his mouth and drew his tongue up between my breasts, humming in his throat as he gathered drops of sweat from my skin.

  I sighed and arched my back to give him greater access, wrapping my arms around his neck and holding him to me. I ran my hands down his back and around his waist, gathering his shirt and nudging it up until he pulled away from me enough for me to tug it off over his head and toss it aside. As he stepped out of his shoes and unbuckled his pants, I peeled away my dance clothes. I had been all too aware of the clothes that had kept our skin apart during our first night together and I didn't want that now. I wanted every inch of his skin and to offer him every bit of mine.

  Soon we were fully bare in front of each other and he reached for me again. The heat of my body had dissipated when I removed my clothes, leaving behind a chill, but now the warmth of his skin was on me, heating me up again. His hands ran along my back and I rocked my hips forward to find the delicious pressure of his erection against my belly. A low ache was beginning there, seeping down until it settled between my legs. I was suddenly aware of the emptiness of my body and the overpowering craving for him to fill me.

  Jude kissed me deeply, his tongue pushing past my lips to massage across mine. After a few moments, he tore his mouth away from mine and lowered to his knees in front of me, kissing his way down the center of my body until he reached the valley between my hip bones. I could feel my belly quiver as he kissed one bone and then ran his tongue across my skin to the other, then repeated the gesture the other way. He then continued this process down, his lips just grazing my skin so that his hot breath flowed down over my most sensitive place.
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  His hand pressed against the inside of my knee and pushed it to the side, opening my legs. His hands cupped my ass and tucked my hips forward. I cried out as he closed his mouth over my core and his tongue slipped through my petals. The tip concentrated on the taut bud, coaxing it out of its protective hood so that he could suck it into his mouth. My knees felt weak as the sensations rolled over me and I reached out to grasp Jude's shoulders to keep myself steady. My head fell back and I opened my mouth, drawing in a breath to calm myself, but already feeling incredible pressure building throughout my body. Jude explored my body like he already knew it, like he understood it better than even I did. I was nearly overwhelmed by the sensations that were washing over me and I craved the explosive culmination his dedicated attention promised, yet I ached for more. I didn't want completion to come too quickly and end the delirious pleasure surrounding me.

  As if he could sense my thoughts, Jude took his mouth away from me, blowing a soft stream of air across my tingling flesh before rocking back on his heels to reach for his pants. He withdrew his wallet and opened it, taking out a condom. I shivered with the thought that he had tucked it in there with the thought of having it available the next time that he saw me. Instead of rolling the condom into place the way that he had the first time, Jude stood and handed the package to me. He took my other hand and wrapped it around his hardened shaft, guiding it in a few strokes. I felt the slick fluid that was beading at the tip and ran the pad of my thumb across it. I licked my bottom lip and felt Jude's hand tighten on my hip.

  "Go ahead," he whispered as if he could hear the thoughts that were going through my mind.

  I looked into his eyes, wondering if he could see the uncertainty. He reached up and stroked my cheek, running his fingers across my lips. Cupping my jaw, he buried his fingers in my hair and pressed me down to my knees so I mirrored the position that he had been in in front of me only moments before. I still gripped the condom in one hand, but my attention had been shifted and now all I wanted was to pay homage to the beauty of his body. I allowed instinct to take over, my desires to fuel me forward. I brought his cock forward toward me and ran the engorged head along my lips, feeling the smoothness of his skin and tasting the sweet-salty fluid that slipped into my mouth. My tongue swept across the tip experimentally and then I opened my mouth and brought him inside.