by Ali Dean
David’s a hot shot movie producer and he’s usually out of town, traveling to LA or exotic settings. I don’t know much about it and I don’t really care. He’s just this intimidating unseen presence at the Jamison mansion. I’ve known Wesley most of my life and can count on one hand the number of times I’ve met David.
“Anyway, he’s always made it clear I’m going to Princeton. And it’s not like it’s a shitty college,” Wes says with a dark chuckle, “so who am I to complain? But I can’t do it, Pep, not now. I don’t know what I want to study or do with my life. I don’t know if I want to throw myself into football or not. If I’m on the team, that’s it. That’s my college life. Football. And that’s cool for Jace but I don’t know if I want that. I’ve lived a pretty fucking sheltered life.” Wes’s voice is bitter, and I sense a lot of it is directed at himself. “I’m a spoiled brat, Pep, and I don’t want to spend college wasting it all away.”
The self-hatred underlying that statement stabs at my gut, and I hunch over in pain for Wes. I want to tell myself he’s just in a bad mood, a “funk”. He’s worried about going off to some prestigious college, worried he’s not worthy of it. But I know it runs deeper than that.
“Wes, most college freshmen have no idea what they want to do with their lives. And a lot of people who graduate college, too. Plenty of people waste their college years. That doesn’t make you a spoiled brat, or a loser, or whatever you are telling yourself.” My words feel empty, but I have to say them anyway. “What are you planning on doing now?” I ask, when I realize he’s not going to respond to my comments.
“I’m gonna work. I’ve never actually earned any money before, can you believe that?” His dark laugh is haunting. “David made me do internships and shit, but I’ve never had a real job. And maybe I just want a simple life. Maybe I don’t want to accomplish something amazing or be someone my dad can brag about. Is that so bad?” Wes wants me to answer, but his thoughts are all over the place and I’m having trouble keeping up.
“No, that’s not bad,” I say slowly, wondering what exactly we’re talking about.
“Jim and Bunny are happier than any adults I’ve met in my parents’ world and they live simply. Why does everything have to be on a grand scale? Big house, fancy cars, you know?” Wes’s voice is speeding up and I’m starting to wonder if he’s on something. Unfortunately, I’ve witnessed enough to know the signs of drug use, and I know Wes sometimes uses them recreationally at parties. Nothing serious, and not often, as far as I know. But he’s home alone and he’s not himself. I’m worried.
“Look Wes, why don’t I come over and hang out for a bit with you? We can talk about all this.” I try to sound cool, like it’s no big deal, but my mind is racing. My primary thought is that he shouldn’t be alone. Even if he’s totally sober, I’ve never heard him so worked up, and it’s making me uneasy. I can’t ask Jace to go. He just started preseason and he can’t afford to lose sleep his first night. Wes’s friends from Lincoln Academy – the private high school he graduated from – have already left for college. I don’t have Pierce’s or Forbes’s phone numbers anyway. So I’m the one who needs to be there. That’s that.
Wes, Jace and I were inseparable until they started high school. Jace and Wes had a falling out, which I’ve since learned was tied to their discovering they were brothers. It never made perfect sense to me, as learning my best friend was my sibling would only make me closer to that person, but I’ve accepted it. Over the past year, the three of us have become friends again, and we’ve spent a lot of time together the past few months. Things changed but they didn’t. He might be my boyfriend’s secret half-brother, but he’s still like family to me.
I head inside to find my friends. Zoe appears deep in conversation with Dana, who is swaying back and forth clutching a glass of red wine and nodding her head solemnly.
“Zoe, I need to head out now,” I interrupt her, recognizing that waiting patiently will get me nowhere. “I can give you a ride home now or pick you up later tonight.”
“Oh, you aren’t staying here?” Dana asks.
“No, I have to head out,” I tell her.
“The Andersons are in Barbados and Tina’s aunt is supposed to be watching her, but she’s at her boyfriend’s place tonight so everyone can totally crash here,” Dana explains.
“I’ll just stay here,” Zoe says with a shrug. “My parents think I’m at your house tonight anyway.” Zoe has really improved her lying abilities over the past year. Mr. Burton is notoriously strict and would ground her for life if he knew what she was up to. He’s a cop and seems to know all the goings-on, so I’m surprised she can get away with being out all night. I suppose having four younger siblings provides a decent distraction.
Rollie and Omar are similarly uninterested in leaving and Rollie sends me off with his car keys, not even asking what time I’ll pick him up tomorrow morning. I’ll probably be awake well before they are, so as long as I can drop the car and jog to the gym for my lifting routine, I’m not worried. Rollie’s recently traded out his glasses for contacts and given that the two soccer girls are still staring at him in rapt attention, I’d say the new look is working for him.
When I pull up to the Jamison’s mansion a few minutes later, the house is dark and it looks like no one is awake. I’m about to text Wes to confirm he’s still home and that I won’t be waking his parents, when the front door swings open.
Wes looks happy to see me, but an absence of the usual brightness and energy behind his smile is evident.
He leads me to his downstairs den, where we’ve spent many hours over the years watching movies. Come to think of it, Jace and his brother are both a bit subterranean, given how much time they spend in basements. A baseball game is on, and a bowl of popcorn sits on the coffee table. I glance around suspiciously, looking for signs of drinking or anything else odd. I find none.
I peer at Wes, who is watching me expectantly, and though his eyes look both exhausted and frenzied, they are clear. “You okay?” I ask, genuinely curious how he will answer.
“Not really. It’s like everything I’ve been ignoring that’s shitty about my life has hit me, and I knew I couldn’t go to Princeton next week. And now that I told my dad I’m relieved but, like, kind of fucked in the head too.”
We sit on the couch facing each other, and I just listen. Wes talks for hours about his screwed-up family, his unknown future, his desire for something sure and real in his life. Jace, Jim, me, that’s all he really has. He loves his mom but she’s “a hot mess”. It really begins to dawn on me how alone he is. His parents are never here and this giant house feels empty.
Wes is so different from his brother. Jace never opens up like this. Jace will talk to me more than anyone but usually it takes prodding, and it’s rarely more than a short statement. Jace doesn’t get into the layers behind his emotions, the complexities of what makes him who he is. And it’s not like Jace doesn’t have complicated emotional layers to sort out. His mother leaving him at a young age definitely messed with his head, but he won’t say so. Now that she’s back and is recovering from addiction, Jace still doesn’t open up much about his feelings on the situation.
Eventually Wes tires of talking. He seems to feel better after letting it all out, and I try to listen to everything he has to say, knowing it’s special he’s chosen me to say it to. Sometimes girls are just easier to talk to about emotional stuff, and he may never have a discussion like this with Jace or Jim. Wes pulls an old worn box down from a shelf, and I recognize the Noah’s Ark jigsaw puzzle. It’s been years since I’ve done a puzzle with Wes. The three of us used to stay up late as kids trying to finish puzzles together, and I remember this one took us nearly an entire summer to complete. Jace and I still do puzzles together sometimes, but Wes usually can’t sit still long enough to do one anymore.
Wes keeps asking if it’s okay I’m still at his house, and I reassure him I texted Gran that I was here. I think he’s asking more about Jace, but honestly
I bet Jace will be happy I was here for Wes. I didn’t text Jace where I was going because I didn’t want him worrying about Wes all night.
Now that I know Wes is okay, or at least, he will be, my biggest concern is actually my training. I can’t miss a day of weight training because it will screw up my whole schedule. I could try to catch up on sleep after my workout but I have a shift at the Tavern.
We’ve been working on the puzzle for over an hour and barely gotten the edge pieces sorted when I decide I better call it a night. It’s nearly three in the morning. Wes walks me to my car and holds me in a hug before sending me home. I know he’s thankful I’m here for him, and that he shared a lot of intimate details about his life, but I feel like he may have held on just a little too tightly. I hope he doesn’t need more from me than I can give.
Chapter 4
Zoe, Omar, and Rollie are remarkably unfazed that I spent most of the night at Wes’s place. I leave the explanation vague, and they don’t pry. Over the past year, my friends’ curiosity about Wesley Jamison hasn’t necessarily dwindled, but they’ve come to accept that Wes’s place in my life is a unique one that they may never understand.
As the sun rises, Rollie drops me off at the UC gym before heading home – presumably to go straight to sleep. The three of them look like they’ve been up all night. But the party hadn’t held the allure those kinds of gatherings used to hold for me. Without Jace Wilder there, I simply didn’t have the desire to rally the energy for it.
The gym has only just opened and the kid behind the check-in counter doesn’t look much more awake than my friends had. He glances at my temporary gym pass and nods groggily before returning his focus to the computer screen and Starbucks cup in front of him. UC gives access to its facilities to Brockton Public varsity athletes at certain times when it’s not as busy. At six in the morning, the weight machines are completely empty.
The peppy beat of hip hop is the only sound in the otherwise silent space. I’ve just completed the first set of my routine when I notice a guy standing in front of a wall of mirrors lifting weights. He’s tall – as tall as Jace, who is six feet three inches – and his broad shoulders and narrow hips signal he’s an athlete, and probably not a high school one. He’s wearing a baseball cap that shadows his face but I’m able to decipher enough of his features in the mirror to recognize him. Clayton Dennison.
I quickly turn away, heading to the water fountain to grab a drink before starting my next set. I doubt Clayton remembers me. He was a senior at Brockton Public when I was a freshman. In a way, he was the Jace Wilder of his class, though never quite as … well… he wasn’t Jace. And Clayton knew it.
Clayton was captain of the baseball team and he wasn’t pleased when Jace came in as a freshman and threatened his spot as starting pitcher. I was still in junior high, but I heard Jace slept with Clayton’s ex-girlfriend only a week after they broke up. Eventually, Clayton must have realized it was better to be Jace’s friend than his enemy, and he apparently got over their differences. It probably didn’t hurt that Jace announced his intent to focus on football as his primary sport, and, though he became the lead pitcher after Clayton graduated, Jace took a step back from his baseball ambitions and didn’t challenge Clayton’s spot. Which worked out for Clayton, who is – along with Ryan Harding and Jace Wilder, of course – one of Brockton’s most decorated athletes.
Settling into the leg press machine, I sigh, realizing I fall into that exclusive group as well. Brockton’s a unique place. At nearly 6,000 feet altitude at the base of the foothills and not far from the Rocky Mountains, Brockton is full of athletic people. The Olympic Training Center isn’t far away and a number of professional athletes train in Brockton. I’ve lived here my whole life, so I forget that most people don’t work out every day. That sports aren’t at the center of everyone’s world. Here in Brockton, we love our sports. And our athletes.
Local pride is a big deal, and when Clayton Dennison signed with UC at Brockton, people went crazy. Just like they did when Jace signed last year. Ryan Harding got attention too, but runners just don’t have the fan base football and baseball get. Personally, I prefer to stay under the radar as much as possible.
But I don’t always get what I want.
“Pepper Jones?” Clayton Dennison is standing in front of me. I glance his way as I push the weight on my legs forward with an un-ladylike growl. I increased the weight this morning and boy am I feeling the burn.
I slowly lower the weight to resting before replying, “Hi, Clayton.”
“I never see anyone here before seven this time of year. You’re hardcore, huh?”
I shrug. “Not any more than you are.”
We chat idly about training for a few minutes. I can feel him checking me out, sizing me up. It’s awkward. Clayton tried asking me to prom – his senior prom – when I was a freshman. Though Clayton and Jace played nice and acted like they were friends, I saw through it. They hung out with the same people, the popular crowd of course, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out Clayton had asked me to prom to piss off Jace, whom he still undoubtedly felt threatened by. As a sophomore, Jace was already stealing Clayton’s limelight, which I’m sure he was planning on basking in his senior year. Me, I was a nobody. No one had asked me out before. I stuck with my running friends and secretly crushed on Jace, who only hung out with me outside of school. I’d never thought about other guys because he was it for me.
So I’d said no when Clayton asked me to prom one day after track practice. I didn’t even make an excuse. I knew he was using me to get under Jace’s skin – even then, everyone knew we were close childhood friends – and I wasn’t happy about it.
I still remember Clayton’s shocked expression when I turned him down. I turned right around and walked away, but it didn’t feel powerful. I was angry and hurt. I never told anyone he asked me, not even Zoe or Gran, and he must have kept the information to himself too. Otherwise, the gossip would have been unbearable. For both of us.
He’s being perfectly polite now, though, and that all happened a long time ago. High school is a thing of the past for Clayton.
“So, you and Jace, huh?” he asks. Clayton lifts the brim of his hat and pushes some hair to the side before settling the hat back on his head.
“Oh, yeah. We’re together.” I’m not sure what exactly he’s getting at. Could this be any more awkward?
“Yeah, I ran into Wilder yesterday. It’s practically the only thing he wanted to talk to me about, not that I didn’t already know. Wilder’s dating status is a hot topic with the ladies.” Clayton raises his eyebrows knowingly and I roll my eyes in response, pretending his comment doesn’t bother me. Which it shouldn’t, because it comes as no surprise. “You better watch your back when you come on campus, Ms. Jones.” His eyes are smiling at me, but if he knew my history with Jace’s female fan club, or one fan in particular, he would realize this is no joking matter.
“I can handle myself,” I say, in what I hope is an equally light-hearted tone.
“Well, if you need backup, let me know.”
I can’t help but frown at him.
“You know,” he adds, presumably in response to my confused expression, “the baseball and football teams hang in the same places with the same people. I’m sure we’ll be running into each other more.” He winks before wandering back to the other side of the room.
The conversation leaves me unsettled for the rest of my workout, despite Clayton’s casual demeanor and the easy smile and wave he sends my way when I leave. I don’t have a car so I’m preparing to jog the mile and a half home when I turn the corner and nearly run into another familiar Brockton athlete. Ryan Harding is just as startled to see me and I get the impression he was deep in thought.
After my encounter with Clayton, it’s a comfort to see Ryan but I’m not sure the feeling is reciprocated. It’s unusual to see this distressed expression on Ryan’s s
“Oh, hey Pepper.” Like me, he’s dressed to work out.<
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“What’s up? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s good. Just getting some weights in before meeting up with the team.”
“I thought the cross team did all their workouts together? I saw you all in here the other day lifting.”
“Oh yeah, we do. I just…” he drifts off, “wanted to burn some energy, you know?”
“Yeah, okay.” Something’s definitely up with him, because Ryan Harding never deviates from the training plan. He is constantly telling me how important it is not to over-train, and here he is getting in an extra workout before team practice? It’s preseason, so they’re already training more than they will once classes start.
“You sure you’re okay?”
Ryan shifts on his feet and opens his mouth to say something when a loud rowdy group floods out from the athletes’ cafeteria across the street and heads in our direction. Another team here for preseason, and, judging by the size of some of them, I’m guessing it’s the football team. The field house is just behind the gym and Jace told me they had seven AM practice there.
“Anyway, Pep, I’ll check in with you later, cool?” He’s already walking away before I can respond. The door to the gym swings open and Ryan nods to Clayton, who is leaving.
Clayton heads my way. “Oh good, you’re still here. I was going to see if you needed a ride. Or, you know, I could get you into the cafeteria if you wanted some breakfast.”
Okay, now I’m really confused. We aren’t friends. We never were. He knows I’m with Jace. He can’t seriously still be trying to piss Jace off. Is he that hung up on the competition from his high school glory days? I mean, he’s in college now, and is living a whole new level of glory … ohhhh. It dawns on me. History is repeating itself for Clayton Dennison.
The whole town, and maybe even the entire state, is hyped up for Jace to join the UC football team. Not to mention… Wilder’s dating status is a hot topic with the ladies. Yup, Clayton is surely aware that Jace Wilder is once again threatening his status as the hottest athlete on campus.
