No, being with him and Garrett together hadn’t been daring for Lacey. It had been inevitable.
For Carter it had been unbelievable and amazing and sexy and…life-changing.
It had ruined him.
Well, that and the phone call he’d gotten from Garrett a week later.
He’d had other women since then but none had truly satisfied him. His short-term relationships had become even shorter and less meaningful. He’d been restless and unhappy. But he’d clung to the idea that he could still change his mind about the no he’d given Garrett.
Then Garrett had died and everything had changed forever.
Carter had changed things between the three of them when he’d come back to Quinn, but it hadn’t been permanent. It wasn’t forever. And the six months after their night had slowly chipped away at his resolve. Maybe having some of what he wanted was better than having none of it. In the back of his mind he’d always kept hold of the idea that he could change his mind. That the three of them could make something work long term the way Garrett had proposed.
Then Garrett had gotten shot.
And forever had taken on a new, horrible meaning.
Until now. Lacey was here, in his arms, about to be in his bed, and no matter what that said about Carter and his character or whatever, he was taking this night.
He strode to his bedroom, hit the light and crossed to the bed, where he dropped her onto the mattress. Her hair spread out over his white sheets, the hot pink of her underwear bright against the plain linens.
“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” he told her, unbuckling his belt and throwing it toward the dresser.
She propped up on her elbows, her eyes on his face rather than on his fly as he unbuttoned and unzipped. But he didn’t push his pants off just yet. He had a lot to do, a lot of time to make up for, and he couldn’t be naked and maintain any control.
He put a knee on the mattress next to her and ran a hand up one silky thigh. “I know we shouldn’t rush into this but I can’t not touch you, Lacey.”
“Rush?” She gave a little laugh. “I’ve know you for almost two years, Carter. I know you better than I know anyone. And it’s been six long, horrible months without you. We’re not rushing anything.” She put her hand against his stomach. His muscles tensed under her touch and he leaned into the contact.
“Your hand feels so good on me,” he told her.
“I agree.” She ran her hand across his abs, along the top of his waistband. “God, I need this, Carter.”
“Sex I can do. As much as you want, for as long as you need it,” he said honestly. Maybe he was trying to remind her that it couldn’t be more. Or maybe he was trying to remind himself.
Garrett had been the one to fulfill all of Lacey’s romantic future-husband needs. Carter had been…the one to make her feel better after a shitty day at work or to talk to about the latest James Patterson novel. The third in their friendship. Yet, he’d never felt like a third wheel.
“Please make me feel good,” she said. “That’s what I need. To remember how to feel good.”
That he could do.
He leaned in and kissed her as he drew his hand up her thigh and over the pink silk between her legs, to the smooth strip of skin above her panties. He trailed his lips down her throat, over the top of her right breast, down to the same strip of skin. He kissed her there and then licked.
She arched closer to his mouth, her hand going to his head.
“Carter,” she whispered.
His name on her lips was one of the best things in his life.
He licked again, slipping a finger under the edge of her panties and running it along the elastic from hip to the crease where her thigh and outer pussy lips met. “So hot,” he breathed against her.
Lacey parted her thighs, a blatant invitation. But he wasn’t done just touching and tasting yet. He lifted his head. “Fasteners in back or front?” he asked, studying the bustier.
“Back,” she told him breathlessly.
He moved his hands to reach under her and loved the little whimper of protest from her. He found the tiny hooks and quickly opened them.
The bustier loosened and gaped and Carter paused for a heartbeat, relishing the moment before he saw her bare.
He apparently paused too long because Lacey pushed the corset off, letting it fall to the floor.
Carter drank in the sight.
She had smallish breasts with tight pink centers. Her skin was smooth, a gorgeous golden color with the exception of the tiny pale heart on the upper curve of her left breast. Clearly she’d been lying in the sun in nothing but a little heart sticker.
He ran a finger over the heart.
“Nude sunbathing?”
She smiled up at him. “My new loft has a private balcony.”
“I promise you there are guys with binoculars trained on that private balcony.”
She was so beautiful. And none of her body made him harder than the smile she gave him.
She shrugged. “I love the feeling of the hot sun touching every inch of me,” she said. “I don’t care if someone’s looking.”
He did.
The thought snuck up on him. But the idea of another man looking at this body, fantasizing about her, made a primitive streak of possessiveness go through him.
“You don’t care?” he asked, leaning in to kiss the heart.
“I actually kind of like it,” she admitted.
“You like the idea of some stranger seeing you naked, watching you while he jerks off?” He moved his mouth closer to her nipple and kissed again.
She squirmed. “Maybe a little.”
She had a dirty streak. Discovering that had been a slow process. When they’d first met and had been getting to know each other, all he’d seen was the sweet girl who was focused on making the world a better place. But slowly as they’d hung out, and drank together, and she and Garrett had gotten closer and more intimate, little things had started slipping out. She’d started swearing more—she tried very hard to not let the dirty words out. She’d started making innuendos, which had graduated to outright flirting that had gotten naughtier and naughtier as they’d gotten more comfortable with each other. It was always teasing, of course, but it had affected him every time.
Then Garrett had started talking.
He told Carter way more than Carter wanted to know about what Lacey was like in the bedroom. But Carter had never told him to stop. He’d felt like a total perv but he’d been equally tortured and turned on by Garrett’s stories.
Of course, it wasn’t until much later that Carter realized Garrett had wanted him to know…and to be turned on by the whole thing.
Carter hesitated. Was Garrett always going to be in his head when he was with Lacey? And did it make him a complete asshole to not want that? Garrett had always been a part of them before. He was the reason Carter and Lacey knew one another. Garrett had given Carter one of the hottest, best nights of his life because he’d loved and trusted Carter enough to share her. If Garrett hadn’t shared her—the dinners and laughter and weekend getaways and friendship and sex—Carter never would have fallen in love with her.
And Garrett was the reason Lacey was here now.
Carter didn’t know how to fucking feel. Should he feel grateful? Guilty?
“Carter.”
Lacey’s soft voice pulled his attention back to her.
Her hair, a light brown with streaks of gold from the same sun that had kissed her skin, lay around her in a wild array on his pillow. His pillow. Not Garrett’s pillow.
She was here with him. Her choice.
Because Garrett was gone.
She’d stayed in San Antonio. She’d stayed in Garrett’s bed. She hadn’t even called Carter in those months after that night.
When she couldn’t have them both and she’d had a choice, she’d chosen Garrett.
Jesus.
Carter pushed back, locking his elbows and sucking in a hard breath.
Fuck.
He couldn’t do this.
He stared at her for a moment, calling himself all kinds of fool, but finally he pushed up off of her and sat next to her, facing the bottom of the bed.
She didn’t move for a moment, as if stunned. Finally, he felt her shift and the sheet tug as she pulled it up over herself.
“What’s going on?”
“Someone’s missing,” he said simply.
He heard her take a breath. “Carter…” But she didn’t seem able to finish the thought.
He shoved a hand through his hair. “It was never supposed to be just the two of us, you know.”
“He wanted this. He’d be here if he could be.”
“But he can’t.” He risked looking at her. “He shared you, Lace. He didn’t step aside.”
The sadness that flashed through her eyes stabbed him in the heart.
He turned away, closing his eyes.
She’d been mourning, as he had, on her own for six months. He knew that she had girlfriends, was close to her family including an older sister, but he also knew that no one could truly understand what she was going through. Except for him.
Garrett was supposed to be there, for both of them, with both of them, for the next eighty years or so. That had been the plan.
At least it would have been if Carter had been brave enough to take them up on the offer of forever.
That had been what kept nagging at Carter after their night and then Garrett’s confession afterward. The long-term, committed threesome had seemed crazy. But the idea of giving Lacey, and Garrett, up had been impossible to imagine.
There was a long moment of silence and with his eyes shut, he was all the more aware of the heat coming from her body, only inches away, and the scent of her. He should roll her all over the bed once, just to get that scent soaked deep into his sheets.
Of course, he might never leave his bed then.
“He would only share with you, Carter,” she finally said. “I think you know that, but in case he never told you, he told me. He never could have shared me with anyone else. With you…he wanted to. When I said that was what I wanted, I made his fantasy come true too. It only could have been you.”
Carter felt his chest and throat get tight. Son of a bitch. He’d never cried in bed. For fuck’s sake. Lacey was the last person he wanted to break down in front of. And yet, she was the only person who he could imagine doing it with.
He felt her hand on his back and he shuddered. Her touch made him hard and hot and full of want, but it was different this time. He wanted to get closer but not because of the physical release he needed.
“He loved you, Carter.”
Fuck. He did not want to talk about this. He’d thought about it every day for the past year. For the six months after Garrett had told him everything, it had eaten at him, nagged him, haunted him. And then, in the six months since Garrett’s death, it had been even worse.
“Carter—”
“I know,” he broke in before she went on. He gentled his tone. “I know.”
Her hand ran up his back and into his hair. Her fingers slid through the short length, rubbing over his scalp. Carter sighed under the calming strokes and felt a little of the tension leave his shoulders.
“He apologized to me,” she said after a moment.
Carter turned his head to look at her. “Apologized?”
“He felt that if he hadn’t said anything, you wouldn’t have pulled back. You would have kept coming to San Antonio and the three of us could have kept on the way we always had. He knew I missed you.”
Jesus. “I was just…” He didn’t even know how to describe what he’d been feeling.
“Freaked out,” she supplied.
He started to deny it. That sounded so out of control, so reactive. But she was right. He nodded.
“So you really didn’t know?” she asked.
“That my best friend and ex-partner was in love with me?” Carter repeated. “Uh, no.”
Until the morning after their night with Lacey. But then it had only been an inkling, a strange vibe. They’d been in the kitchen while she slept upstairs. Garrett had just made coffee. He’d handed a cup to Carter but hadn’t let go when Carter tried to take it from him.
Carter had looked up into Garrett’s face. He’d seen a puzzling mix of pain, nervousness and, yeah, love. Not that he would have labeled it that way at that very moment. And he’d immediately shut it down. Because he had felt something different in Garrett that morning and he didn’t want to know it for sure.
“You didn’t know he was bi?” Lacey asked.
Carter blew out a long breath. “I knew that much. He came out to me in high school, but even before that I’d suspected.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“I had no idea.”
He looked at her again. Her fingers had stopped moving, but her hand was still resting on his head, her touch warm and strangely soothing. “No?”
She shook her head. “No idea at all. He was…so into me.”
Carter laughed lightly. “He was so into you, Lacey. Crazy about you. Completely in love.”
“I know.”
“But he never let on that he was attracted to guys?” Carter asked.
“No. And when we talked about it after…everything, he said that it was rare. He was much more often attracted to women. There were very few men. You were…special.”
Carter knew that too. He didn’t know if Garrett had always been attracted to him or if it was something that had developed out of their long friendship.
“You were a first in our relationship,” she added. “In case you’re wondering.”
“No.” Carter sighed. “I knew that. He told me, but I knew before that. You weren’t really the threesome kind of girl.”
She gave him a little smile. “True.”
“I about fell out of my chair when you said you wanted one with me.”
Her fingers curled into his head. “I wanted one with you. Not a threesome. I know that sounds dumb, but it felt different thinking about it being you and Garrett.”
“It doesn’t sound dumb.” He got it. “It didn’t feel like a threesome to us either.”
“Would it surprise you to know that I wasn’t surprised he was in love with you?” she asked.
Carter really didn’t want to have this conversation. But he hadn’t talked about it, at all, with anyone, and with Lacey—well, she was the only one he could have it with. Maybe he needed to talk about it.
Carter shifted, turning to face her. Her hand dropped from his hair, but he took it in his. “I loved him too. But not like that. I’m very straight.”
She smiled. “I know.”
He shook his head, unable to believe he was about to say what he was. “But I kind of wished I was bi. After he told me. I mean, that would have made life…”
“Easier?” she asked when he trailed off.
He looked directly into her eyes. “It would have made life perfect.”
Her eyes widened slightly. “I thought you didn’t want the long-term threesome?”
“I wanted it. In some way. I wanted our relationship, the time together, the support and the fun and the love. The brotherly love thing I thought he and I had. I didn’t want sex with Garrett, but I wanted sex…with Garrett. And you. If that makes any fucking sense.” He took a frustrated breath.
Lacey stroked her other hand up and down his forearm, comfortingly. “It does make sense. And he understood. He said that he would be satisfied with that. With the sex with me in the middle.”
“I know. He told me that.”
“So, why did you hide out here? No phone calls? Nothing?”
“I didn’t know how to do it. I was thinking it through.” He gave a small, humorless laugh. “Trying to work up the courage. I mean, how do you explain that to people?”
She lifted a shoulder and the sheet dipped lower, exposing the upper curves of her breasts. “I hadn’t gotten that figured out either,”
she said. “And then he and I stopped talking about it. Stopped talking about you. It was like he went from heartbroken to pissed off in a matter of a day.”
Carter sighed. “He did.”
“What did you say to him?” she asked, obviously not surprised to know that Carter had caused the anger.
“He kept talking about it. Kept assuring me that he would keep his feelings in check and that I had nothing to worry about, he’d never pressure me for anything sexual. He kept going on about how he didn’t want to lose me and finally I couldn’t take it.”
“What did you say, Carter?” she asked, more firmly.
“I told him to let you be the girl and to quit talking about his fucking feelings.”
She winced. “Yikes.”
“Yeah.”
“And that was it? You didn’t talk any more after that?”
“It was about a month before we did,” he said. “And he’d listened. He didn’t bring his feelings up once. But he did tell me that I should let you be the pussy in the situation.”
She winced again but laughed at the same time. “Wow.”
“Yeah, we were real sweet to each other.” He laughed again, this time with more sincerity. “But it felt like we were getting back to normal.”
She leaned in, studying his eyes. “But you were coming around?”
He couldn’t lie to her. “Yeah. I guess I was.”
She gave a little gasp.
“I was still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. How it would work. How it would look to other people. But I missed both of you so fucking much, it was starting to not matter.” He lifted his hand, cupping her face. He saw the tears that welled in her eyes. “Don’t cry, Lace.”
She shook her head. “Sorry. We just missed out, you know? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kind of wish you were bi too. We could have had so much…before…” She gave a little sob and two tears escaped.
His heart twisted. He wiped the tears away with his thumbs. “I know. It’s all my fault.”
She shook her head quickly. “No, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“But it’s true. I cheated all three of us out of six months of…sex, fun, laughter…love.” He had to clear his throat. Thank God no one on the force could see him like this—messed up over a guy.
Illegal Motion: Boys of Fall Page 4
