by Adele Parks
‘Helen learnt all she knows from a night class on textiles,’ said Keith.
Lisa knew the Big Breasted Woman studied textiles at some poxy night class. Keith had told her a million times. Lisa wanted to make a joke that Helen did have talents involving textiles such as cotton sheets. And that Helen probably did learn these talents in the night. His affair proved that. But Lisa resisted. She’d sound mean. Keith brought the worst out in Lisa – she was often angry around him.
Lots of things about Keith annoyed Lisa. One was that in the years they were married, he plodded along in his job at Carpet Land. He made an OK amount of money working on the sales team on the shop floor. Lisa and Keith had a pretty, but small, house. They went on a week’s holiday every year to Spain or Greece. Their kids wore the ‘must have’ trainers that they wanted. Lisa and Keith managed. They had a nice enough, normal enough life.
Two months after leaving Lisa, Keith packed in his job at Carpet Land. He set up an interior design company, if you please! Of course it was the Big Breasted Woman’s idea. She said there were lots of people who would pay loads of money just to be told where to scatter their cushions. Lisa was amazed by his cheek. Yes, the man knew about carpets, but that was it. He had never so much as held a paintbrush. Or a loo brush. Or a dustpan and brush, come to that.
But suddenly Keith was telling people about candles and colours. He told them how important it was to have a warm and welcoming hallway. He told them to buy fresh cut flowers. Lisa only had plastic ones. Keith had bought them for her about ten years ago. He’d said plastic were better, because you only had to buy one bunch in a lifetime. He’d changed his mind about that and many other things.
Last year Keith and the Big Breasted Woman had bought a five-bedroom house. They went on three holidays! Lisa and the kids had a week in Dorset. It rained every day.
Thinking of Keith’s happiness made Lisa cross and bothered. How dare he come into her house and tell her she needed a challenge? Keith reached for the last biscuit on the plate and bit it. Lisa grabbed the biscuit out of his hand.
‘I think you should go now,’ she said.
Keith stood up. At the door he turned to Lisa and said, ‘Your curtains are old-fashioned. You should get some new ones.’
Lisa only just resisted beating him to death with the TV remote control.
When the kids got home from school, they saw the booklet about night classes that Keith had left behind. They said their father’s idea was a good one. Lisa felt hurt that they agreed with him, but she couldn’t say so. She would look childish if she did.
‘It’s good to exercise your brain. You owe it to yourself,’ said Jack.
‘You should do a course in accounts, Mum. Accountants are always minted. Every girl needs to have her own money. You can’t rely on anyone, least of all men, to pay the bills,’ added Kerry.
Lisa remembered saying these exact words herself. So it was hard to argue. Lisa spent a lot of time telling the kids that education was very important. She said education would help them find a happy future. She really believed that.
She didn’t always believe the things she said to the kids.
She told them things that she wanted them to believe. She wanted them to believe in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy. It was a good way of getting them to behave. Lisa also told her girls that boys would like them more if they didn’t wear padded bras and lip-gloss. Again, she thought it would be a good way of getting them to behave! Sadly, they didn’t believe it either.
But they must have believed what Lisa said about education, because they said it back to her now.
‘But I like my job. I don’t want to retrain,’ said Lisa.
‘What do you like about it?’ asked Paula.
‘I enjoy chatting to the customers. I know that the overalls I wear to work aren’t high fashion, but they hide my bumps and lumps and don’t need ironing. That’s important, because you cannot think how many times I smear or slop in a working day,’ said Lisa.
The children stared at their mum. Lisa wondered if she had a large L for loser just above her head. Her children looked at her as though she had.
Lisa called Carol. Carol said. ‘Well, I agree with Keith and the children. You could do more with your life.’
‘But I’ve never wanted a high-flying job,’ said Lisa. ‘I’m happy at the café.’
‘So you say.’ Carol didn’t sound as though she believed her.
‘Why the sudden interest in my job?’ asked Lisa.
‘The kids are probably embarrassed by what you do now/ said Carol. Lisa thought that maybe Carol was embarrassed by her job.
Carol talked to their mum. Then their mum telephoned and said Lisa should do a course on flower-arranging. Cross again, Lisa pointed out that no one ever bought her flowers. No one ever had!
The doorbell rang.
‘That will be Mark, I have to go/ said Lisa. She was glad of the excuse to get off the phone.
‘Doesn’t he have a key?’ asked her mum.
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘I’ve never given him one/ said Lisa.
‘Why not?’ asked her mum again.
Lisa hung up.
Mark and Lisa were not ‘seeing’ each other that night. It was not a date. Mark had popped by to look at the leaky tap in the bathroom. It only took him a minute to fix the drip. Lisa told him about her day and everyone wanting her to do a night class.
‘Maybe I should do a course in DIY. Then I wouldn’t have to call you for help every ten minutes,’ joked Lisa.
‘Good idea,’ said Mark.
Lisa froze. Was Mark fed up with fixing things in her house? And did that mean he was fed up with her? She signed up for a DI Y course, just in case Mark was planning his exit.
4
17 September
Lisa was worried about starting the DIY course. The only tool she knew how to use was a corkscrew. She was also worried she wouldn’t even be able to find the college. Lisa didn’t like to drive or catch a bus to anywhere new. She didn’t like change or new things very much at all.
Carol said she must ‘face her fears’. Lisa’s biggest fear was arguing with her big sister. But she couldn’t say this, as it would have led to a row. Clearly, facing her fears wasn’t Lisa’s thing.
Mark said he’d drive Lisa to the college. Maybe he was being kind. Or maybe he was just very keen for Lisa to do the DIY course. Was he was sick of her depending on him? Lisa thought she’d been very wise not to get too involved with Mark. OK, so she liked him a lot. But no one would ever guess, she’d never told him or anyone else. What was the point? Keith had proved there was no point. It was best to keep things casual, like John did with his women.
‘Thanks, dude,’ said Lisa.
Mark gave her an odd look. There, now he’d know she wasn’t serious about him! If she’d been serious about him, she would have said, ‘Thanks, partner.’
Lisa made tea for the kids. Kerry was out somewhere. She had a new boyfriend. Lisa wanted to meet him. But Kerry said that was ‘too heavy’. So Lisa hadn’t met him yet. Lisa called Kerry on her mobile and made her promise she’d be home by nine.
Lisa had asked her brother John to sit with Paula and Jack. Paula was cross and hurt. She pointed out that she’d be thirteen in ten days and was more grown-up than her uncle. As she said this, John was rolling on the floor, fighting with Jack for the TV remote. They couldn’t agree on which violent cartoon to watch.
‘You’re right. Make sure your Uncle John cleans his teeth before he goes to bed,’ said Lisa.
On the way to the night class Lisa snapped at Mark. She was sure he was going the wrong way.
‘We’ll hit the teatime traffic. We’ll be late,’ she said. Then she added, ‘Dude.’ She wasn’t sure she’d managed to sound casual. Stressing about traffic wasn’t casual.
Mark stayed calm. ‘Put the map away. I know where we’re going. We have plenty of time,’ he said.
Lisa tutted – she didn’t believe h
im.
They got to college in ten minutes. They were early. Mark did not say, ‘I told you so,’ which was wise because Lisa was too nervous to be proved wrong.
He bought her a cup of coffee from a machine. It didn’t taste very nice but Lisa didn’t dare moan. He stayed with her until it was time for the class, and then walked her right to the door. He really was keen for her to take this class! He smiled and waved as though everything was fine. Lisa couldn’t agree. She was so nervous that it was hard to put one foot in front of another. She completely forgot to call, ‘Bye, dude.’ She was a DIY virgin about to be sacrificed.
The tutor arrived and said everyone had to say who they were and why they were there. Someone made a joke about signing up for a DIY course, not philosophy. The tutor glared at the joker. He didn’t like chat in his classroom. Lisa was happy with that. She didn’t plan to make friends. Chatting with anyone would show her up as a complete nuts-and-bolts beginner. The shame! And she was a divorcee. Double shame! People would think that she was there because she didn’t have a man in her life to hang pictures, which was not true. She had Mark. But for how long? Not for ever because there’s no such thing.
Sometimes Lisa wondered why Mark was with her at all. She knew that the media were always saying women in their forties were still sexy. But Lisa was no Liz Hurley. Lisa was not much like Nigella Lawson or Carol Vorderman either. Lisa thought about celebs she might be like. She decided she was like Lassie. A bit of an old dog, in need of a haircut. But her bark was worse than her bite.
Lisa tried to put Mark out of her mind. Thinking about him made her nervous. Her tummy flipped. Was it happiness or fear?
Lisa looked around the room. She was pleased to see that the class was full of women. Some were pretty young things who wanted to be independent. Others were not so young. They were less likely to have a choice.
Lisa learnt the difference between screws and nails. It was something. It wasn’t as hard as she had feared it might be. You just had to follow instructions. It was like reading a recipe.
At the coffee break a smiley woman told Lisa that custard creams were her favourite biscuits. Lisa didn’t think this could be true when you could buy Hobnobs. The lady was just trying to chat. Lisa gave the lady her custard cream and asked her if she had any kids. The lady looked just like Lisa (size fourteen, big hips, no boobs), but she had earrings, lip-gloss and a good haircut. Therefore was like Lisa but sort of sexier, sort of better. Lisa wondered if she should visit a hairdresser. For the past ten years Lisa’s mum had snipped away at her split ends.
The sort of sexier, sort of better woman was called Gill. She turned out to be a cheery divorcee.
‘I’m well shot of my ex,’ said Gill with a big grin. ‘You’ll understand that, Lisa.’
Lisa hadn’t thought that being without Keith was a perk, but faced with the direct question, she couldn’t deny it. Gill gave Lisa the number of her hairdresser. Then she made a cheeky comment about the ‘total hunk’ who was hanging around outside. She meant Mark!
Lisa didn’t think of Mark as a total hunk. But looking at him now, it was as if it was the first time she’d seen him. She noticed that Mark was a fit thirty-seven-year-old. He had strong arms because his work was manual. He always had a tan because he liked to be outdoors. Somehow he found sun in England. The mix of the tan and the muscles made him stand out from other men. Most people Lisa knew were pale and run down. But Mark was also losing his hair a bit at the front and he had a very small rounding of the tummy. Lisa was glad. A full mop of hair like Tom Cruise, or a six-pack like James Bond, would have scared her.
Lisa went outside the classroom to talk to Mark. ‘What are you still doing here?’ she asked.
‘I thought I’d stay close by. Just in case you didn’t like the class and wanted to go home early,’ said Mark.
‘I’m not giving up that soon!’ said Lisa.
‘I hoped not, but I was, you know, a bit worried about you.’ Mark looked a bit red in the face, not very casual at all. ‘Anyway, Kerry’s just called. She wants a lift. I’m going to pick her up now if you are OK. I’ll be back here for you later.’
Gill winked at Lisa and said, ‘Lucky cow.’
It was nice for Lisa to think sexy Gill was a bit jealous of Lisa’s boyfriend, partner, dude – whatever Mark was.
After the class Lisa found Kerry waiting with Mark. She was surprised. She’d thought Kerry would want to go straight home, not wait around for Lisa. It was clear that Kerry had something on her mind. It wasn’t often that she chose to hunt out her mum to spend time with her. After all, they invented TV years ago.
‘Do you need your pocket money early?’ asked Lisa.
‘No.’ Kerry sounded hurt at the suggestion that her reasons for coming to see her mum were selfish.
Mark said he’d bring the car round to the front and meet them there. He was giving them space.
‘How was your date?’ asked Lisa.
‘It wasn’t a date,’ said Kerry. She turned pink. ‘People don’t date in this millennium. We hang out together.’
Lisa knew for a fact that people did still go on dates. She’d read it in her magazines. People like her and Mark might not date, though. They’d had to do their dating over fish-finger teas and kids’ homework. But other people definitely dated. Lisa didn’t say so, though.
‘So how was the hanging out?’ she asked.
‘OK,’ muttered Kerry.
Lisa would have left the conversation there. She didn’t often expect much more than the odd word when she was talking with her kids. But she happened to glance at Kerry. Kerry had two spots of red on her cheeks and she was blinking back tears.
‘Did you have a row?’ asked Lisa. She wanted to sound patient. A teenage row was nothing on the grand scale, but for Kerry it would be the end of the world.
‘Yes. He’s hanging out with Chloe Jackson now,’ said Kerry.
‘Oh, love, I’m sorry,’ said Lisa. She tried to put her arm around Kerry but her hands were full with large textbooks and a drill.
‘I’m not,’ said Kerry. But Lisa wasn’t fooled. They spotted Mark’s car and got in without another word.
Oh drat, thought Lisa. There was one thing worse than not being needed: being needed and being no help.
5
27 September
Paula was officially a teenager. She had been acting like one for years. She had sulked, slammed doors and worn short skirts for a long time, but still, it was an important day.
Paula was happy with the earrings and new top Lisa had bought but said Keith had promised her an iPod. Lisa didn’t know what an iPod was but she knew it cost a lot. Lisa was cross with him for being able to outdo her, but happy that Paula was going to do well out of it. Nothing was ever simple for her now. Kerry gave Paula a CD. It didn’t come with a smile. She was still heartbroken about that boy hanging out with Chloe Jackson. Jack handed over a book token (that Lisa had bought).
Paula spent ages in the bathroom and came out wearing loads of make-up. She looked like someone off an MTV pop video. Lisa sighed and felt old. She didn’t have the heart to row with Paula on her birthday, so she pretended not to see.
Lisa had invited all the family for tea. She didn’t think they would all say yes, but sadly they did. John said he’d bring a date. That was thirteen to feed and seat. Oh dear! Matters were made worse when Paula asked if she could invite her dad. Lisa wanted to say no but spat out ‘yes’. Then Keith invited the Big Breasted Woman and his parents. Lisa hated herself for saying, ‘The more the merrier.’ She meant to say, ‘Get stuffed.’
Lisa had planned to pass around a plate of sausage rolls and some egg sandwiches. She changed her mind, now that the Big Breasted Woman was coming. She went to Marks & Spencer and bought their great party packs of food. She nipped to Argos and bought two new tea-sets because she didn’t own enough matching plates. She panicked as she passed the newsagent, and bought a bumper pack of streamers and balloons. Paula’s teenage tea par
ty cost about the same as Lisa’s wedding reception. At this rate Lisa thought she would have to sell a kidney to pay for Kerry’s twenty-first.
Lisa called Gill from the DIY class. It was on the of f chance. They didn’t know each other well yet, but Lisa thought they would be good friends, given time. And Lisa would need a friend at this tea party. Besides, her family were always better behaved in front of guests.
Lisa’s mum and dad arrived first. John and his lady arrived next. Lisa didn’t bother to learn her name. Like all the rest of John’s girl-friends, she was nice, happy and hopeful. But it wouldn’t last – a week or ten days at the most. John gave Paula a bottle of sparkly wine. Paula shouted, ‘Wicked.’ Lisa shouted, ‘No way,’ and quickly took it off her.
Carol and her family turned up with a big present. Then Gill arrived into the chaos. Keith and the add-ons arrived next. The Big Breasted Woman looked wonderful. She exercised a lot. Her credit card, that was! It was always being used. She had expensive hair, clothes and maybe even plastic surgery. Lisa wished she’d put on some lipstick. She was still red and sweaty from blowing up party balloons – not a great look.
Paula opened her gifts. Then the kids went up to their bedrooms to play noisily. The adults sat in the front room in silence. Everyone, other than Keith, seemed to know that this modern way to divorce (all one big happy family) was difficult to manage. The old way (never speaking again) would suit Lisa fine.
It did not feel like a party. More like a funeral. Keith’s parents often slagged off the Big Breasted Woman to Lisa. They also slagged off Lisa to the Big Breasted Woman, so they were tense. Lisa’s mother shot Keith’s mother evil looks. She hadn’t forgiven her for going to the Big Breasted Woman’s wedding. Carol talked loudly about the dangers of cosmetic surgery. She stared meaningfully at the big breasts. Only Gill and John chatted happily, but even that upset John’s date.
Lisa was worried about the bite-size flans that were part of the party pack from Marks & Spencer. They smelt a bit funny. Carol sniffed them and took a bite. She pronounced them delicious. It was impossible to argue. Lisa offered Keith a beer. The Big Breasted Woman said he never drank out of cans (a lie). Lisa offered her a wine.
