by Adele Parks
Although, clearly, she was.
Lisa had been thinking about herself too much, and not enough about Kerry. Lisa had been worrying what would happen when the kids left home. She should have been worrying about what was going on under her roof right now!
For example, where had Kerry been when Lisa was at the DIY classes? What was the name of Kerry’s boyfriend anyway? Was he her boyfriend? Wasn’t he supposed to be ‘hanging out’ with Chloe Jackson now?
Regret tore at Lisa’s heart. She loved being a mum. But it was hard work, harder work than anything else. She didn’t want her little girl to have to work that hard yet. She wanted Kerry to do A levels, to get a good job, to wear nice suits and fancy shoes.
But then grandchildren were a blessing. Weren’t they? Yes? No? Not like this?
Lisa didn’t know the answer, but she was standing outside Kerry’s bedroom door. She knew she had to go in there and seem as though she had some ideas at least. Ideas, if not answers.
Lisa knocked and then walked straight in.
Kerry was lying on her bed doing her homework. Lisa was about to say, ‘You should sit at your desk to do that. Your handwriting will be neater.’ That was what she always said when she found the kids doing their homework on their beds, or in front of the TV, or on their laps. She stopped herself. It didn’t matter how neat Kerry’s writing was, considering the situation. Kerry’s skinny body looked childlike and Lisa could not believe it was capable of carrying a baby.
Lisa looked around her daughter’s bedroom. It was the usual mess. There were clothes all over the floor. The walls were full of posters of boy-bands. There were books and dolls on the shelves next to bags of cheap make-up. Kerry hadn’t played with dolls for years. But she hadn’t got round to throwing them out either. The sight of the dolls made Lisa want to cry.
‘I know,’ said Lisa. She thought it was best to get straight to the point.
‘Know what?’ asked Kerry. ‘The answers to my homework? I doubt it. I’m doing equations.’
‘About the baby,’ said Lisa.
‘Finally!’ said Kerry. She didn’t sound scared, or ashamed or worried. She sounded relieved.
Lisa thought that was good. She didn’t want an old-fashioned relationship with her daughter. It was good that her daughter was relieved that the truth was now out in the open. Kerry clearly thought her mum would help her. Lisa planned to do just that. Now they could talk honestly about the situation – as equals, as friends.
But shouldn’t she be a tiny bit worried? Kerry was fifteen. All thoughts of equals and friends went from Lisa’s head.
‘How could you be so stupid?’ Lisa yelled. ‘You’ve ruined your life. It’s all over. Forget any thoughts about A levels and university. This isn’t a game, you know!’
Kerry looked confused.
‘Did you think everything would carry on as before? Did you think I’d look after the baby?’
‘Well, yes,’ said Kerry. ‘What else?’
For a second Lisa couldn’t speak. She was so angry. Of course she would help with her grandchild, but Kerry was just assuming! Why wasn’t she more sorry?
‘And what’s the father’s name?’ asked Lisa.
‘Well, if you don’t know, how should I?’ said Kerry.
‘Don’t you dare be so cheeky.’ OK, so Lisa had forgotten Kerry’s boyfriend’s name. Maybe she hadn’t taken enough interest. But Kerry had no right to be so rude!
‘Mum, will you stop shouting,’ said Kerry. She stood up and closed the bedroom window. ‘This is embarrassing enough. We don’t want the neighbours hearing before they have to.’
‘I think I’m due a bit of a rant!’ said Lisa.
‘Look, I know it must be a bit of a shock,’ said Kerry carefully.
‘A bit of a shock?’
‘It’s not the end of the world – not the ideal age, but worse things happen,’ said Kerry. She sounded relaxed. She sounded grown-up. Lisa felt like the teenager. She was so confused!
Lisa gulped for air. How come her daughter was so calm about this? Didn’t she understand how huge this was? Or at least how huge she was going to become. Lisa thought the idea of getting so big would at least cause a reaction. Usually Kerry worried if she ate a Smartie.
‘So have you done the test?’ asked Kerry.
‘Have I done the test?’ said Lisa. Her confusion doubled.
‘How far gone are you?’ asked Kerry.
‘How far gone am I?’ said Lisa. Totally puzzled.
‘Mum, why do you keep repeating what I’ve said? You are acting really strangely. Is it your hormones? Is this another side-effect of your pregnancy?’ asked Kerry.
‘My pregnancy? What are you talking about? I’m not pregnant. You are,’ said Lisa.
Kerry looked as though her mum had hit her. Her mouth hung open with shock.
‘I am not!’
‘You don’t need to pretend, there’s no point. I heard you on the phone, talking to Amanda,’ said Lisa.
‘What exactly did you hear?’ Kerry was pink with fury and embarrassment.
‘You said, “A baby will ruin my life.”’
‘Your baby!’ said Kerry. ‘I was talking to Amanda about your baby. A private conversation as it happens!’ Kerry sounded very put out.
‘But you were talking about the symptoms. Tiredness and mood swings,’ said Lisa.
‘Your symptomsl’ yelled Kerry. ‘Mum, how can you be this blind? How can you think I might be pregnant? I don’t even have a boyfriend. I’ve never even… ’ Kerry stopped. She couldn’t bring herself to say it to her mum. Not even after their weird conversation. ‘You are pregnant. Everyone thinks so but you!’
12
5 November
Normally, Lisa loved bonfire night. Even when it was cold and wet, which was always. She loved the smell of hot-dogs and onions. She loved the noise. She loved the colour. It was exciting. But now, and forever more, she would associate fireworks night with a blind terror.
She’d done the test, finally. Three times in fact. She’d seen women on TV doing the pregnancy test lots of times. In those Sunday night dramas or the soaps. She’d thought it was silly. Those tests cost a fortune. No one in their right mind really wasted money checking the results. It said on the packet 99.999999% correct – or something. But now she got it. That was just it. People in their right minds wouldn’t do a £10 test three times. But she wasn’t.
In her right mind, that was.
She was pregnant.
Age forty-two, plus three almost grown-up kids, plus not married, plus pregnant, equals big mess.
Despite her lack of maths O level, Lisa thought she was probably ten weeks pregnant. When she’d been pregnant with Kerry, Paula and Jack she’d picked up the phone and told everyone straight away. This time she wanted to hide in a dark room. She’d like to give birth secretly. She could pretend she’d found the baby on the doorstep.
What would Paula and Jack say? What would her family say? Each question made her feel sicker, which was odd when you think she’d felt sick for weeks. Kerry wasn’t speaking to her. She was too hurt and embarrassed by Lisa’s mistake to talk again, probably. Still, at least that was one less person shouting at her. Lisa thought they might all shout.
Lisa and the kids walked home from the firework display in a moody silence. The odd lone firework flashed in the sky. When Lisa was younger she’d thought fireworks were like little bits of magic exploding into the air. Now, she jumped with every bang.
It took all her nerve to call Gill. Gill was great, and didn’t mention the fact that they hadn’t really been speaking since Gill had suggested Lisa might be pregnant.
‘Congratulations. I knew it!’ said Gill. She sounded so happy.
‘I didn’t,’ said Lisa. She sounded so unhappy.
‘Really?’ asked Gill.
‘Really.’
‘You were in denial?’
‘Yes,’ Lisa said.
‘But you are pleased.’ Gill said it like i
t was not a question.
Of course everyone assumed Lisa would be pleased. Lisa was a great mum. She always had been. And Lisa liked being a mum. She always had done. What’s not to like? And a baby with a good-looking man like Mark – it had to be good news.
Lisa wasn’t so sure. Things weren’t quite so clear-cut.
‘Well… yes and no. On a simple level, it’s a new life – hurrah! More realistically, I’m an over-the-hill divorcee. I thought the next pram I’d be pushing would be my grandchild’s. I’m pretty sure my kids had the same view. Kerry has been upset for weeks because she feared this. Her friend Amanda had just talked her round to the idea when I…’ Lisa didn’t finish the sentence. Her mistake was too silly. ‘I don’t think the other two will be happy either. Then there’s my parents and sister. They are very old-fashioned on such subjects. I’m not married!’
‘Who cares about that nowadays?’ asked Gill.
‘Like I said, they do,’ said Lisa.
‘And Mark?’ asked Gill.
‘Mark has vanished,’ said Lisa very sadly. This was the worst. How could she have let that happen?
No word from him for nearly a week. There was suddenly a big gap where he used to be. Jack struggled with changing the tyre on his bike. Paula was miserable tonight, because they’d gone to the local fireworks without him. She kept pointing out dads carrying kids on their shoulders. Even though, in heels, she was almost as tall as Mark. He was never going to carry her on his shoulders. He would have bought her a toffee apple though, Lisa had to admit that. Kerry had locked herself in her room for days. Lisa didn’t know what to say to get her out. Mark might have known.
Then there was Lisa.
Lisa missed him. How unfair! After all her care to stop herself getting involved, he had still got under her skin. Last night she’d set a place for him at tea out of habit. She missed his chatter. She missed him checking that the doors were locked at night. She could do it herself. She always had. But she liked him doing a double check. She missed his daft jokes. She missed him yelling at the TV. It was beginning to dawn on her that more than anything individual, she missed the chance that he was – another chance at a happy ever after.
‘And now there’s a baby who will miss his dad more than anyone,’ said Lisa, fighting tears.
‘Call him,’ said Gill.
Lisa didn’t think she could. Having had nearly a week to think about it, she now saw that she hadn’t been a great girlfriend. Mark was a decent bloke. He’d done nothing to hurt Lisa. He’d done quite a lot to make her life better. But her careful ways must have seemed cold and rude. She hadn’t trusted him. She had punished him for all Keith’s wrongdoings.
She’d never told him she loved him. She’d said she didn’t even believe in that sort of love. But she did love him. How silly it had been to keep that to herself. It was not possible to call him now, just because she was pregnant. She wasn’t a helpless, fallen woman. She didn’t need saving!
Well, maybe she did, but just a little bit. She did feel very alone, despite the new life inside her – or maybe because of it.
13
6 November
The kids were at their dad’s, so Lisa went to bed early. She had to think what she should do next. She rubbed her stomach so that the poor little thing felt OK. She didn’t want the baby to have any idea of the trouble that would be coming with it. Lisa was a single mum of three kids – what did one more matter? But it did matter. Lisa didn’t want to do this on her own. She wanted her baby to have the best in life and, she thought, maybe Mark was that.
Why hadn’t she thought that last week? The timing would have been so much more handy!
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinng! The doorbell woke her up. Confused, Lisa pushed through the fog of sleep. She went downstairs to answer it. It was probably Kerry. Maybe she’d forgotten an eyeliner or something.
It was Mark.
Mark stood on the doorstep. Suddenly he seemed taller and broader than ever. Lisa stared at him. Somewhere deep in her mind and her heart she admitted something to herself. Mark looked safe. He looked like someone she could trust. He also looked quite sexy. Well, OK, very sexy. It was probably her hormones. But maybe not. He looked safe and sexy. How had Lisa let him slip through her fingers?
Had she? Why was he here now? Surely he’d come to make up. Or maybe he’d just come to collect his toothbrush. No, that was unlikely. He could buy another toothbrush. Lisa didn’t know what to think.
‘Gill called me,’ he said.
‘Of course she did. Rent a gob,’ Lisa said. But really she was happy that her friend had made the call she had wanted to make, but hadn’t dared to.
‘Were you going to call me?’ Mark asked.
‘Eventually.’ Lisa could not look at him. She looked at her feet.
‘When? On our child’s eighteenth birthday?’ He sounded cross. Lisa felt nervous. This sounded like he was just here for his toothbrush, not to get back together.
‘I’d have told you before then. Come in, we can’t talk about this on the doorstep,’ said Lisa.
Mark followed her into the house, but he stood in the hall. He looked out of place and that was a shame. Normally he looked so relaxed in her home that you’d have thought it was their home.
‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ said Lisa.
He followed her through to the kitchen. It was a total mess, worse than usual. Lisa had lost all interest in tidying the house since she’d lost Mark. She hadn’t made the connection until he was standing there. Now she wished that just once in the last week she’d flung a bit of Fairy Liquid at the odd teacup. She was ashamed of the mess. As if she didn’t have enough to be ashamed of already! She put the kettle on and started to clear the pots.
‘Leave that,’ said Mark.
‘I’m just making space for us to sit down.’
Lisa moved plates, cups, newspapers, magazines, a loaf of bread and the ketchup. That was just from one chair! Mark still didn’t sit down. It was as though he was making a point. He didn’t live here any more. He never had, officially. But they’d all thought of him as one of the family. Lisa hadn’t realized it until she’d lost him, or pushed him away. It depended how you wanted to look at it.
‘How are you feeling?’ Mark asked.
‘Pretty sick. But that will probably only last a couple more weeks.’ Lisa answered the question knowing Mark was talking about the baby. She also knew that the sickness would last a lifetime if he didn’t come back to her. But Lisa didn’t add that. It sounded a bit keen.
Mark asked the questions everyone asked. Had she done the test? How many weeks pregnant was she? Was she eating well? He asked all the questions with a serious face. But then he asked a new one.
‘Do you wish this baby was Keith’s?’
‘What?!’ Lisa nearly dropped her teacup. ‘God, no… yuk, yuk!’ She could not imagine the idea of her and Keith doing the necessary to make a baby, not any more. She’d done it for years – obviously. But now the idea was alien to her. Lisa pulled a face, as though she was trying to spit out a funny taste.
Mark looked amused.
‘OK, OK, I believe you. So why do you hate the fact you are having a baby with me?’ he asked.
‘I don’t! Why do you think that?’ asked Lisa. She was surprised.
‘Well, for weeks you couldn’t even face the idea. When you did finally do the test you kept the result a secret from me. Lisa, you are always pushing me away. You won’t even call me your boyfriend. After a year! You forget to invite me to family parties until the last minute. You even picked a night class to make the point that you didn’t need my help around the house.’
Suddenly Lisa saw things differently. She saw them how Mark saw them. Oh God, she felt terrible. She’d been terrible.
‘No, no, it wasn’t like that!’ said Lisa. ‘I didn’t know what to call you. I was worried boyfriend was a bit… young.’ She wanted to add that she’d have happily called him husband. But again it seemed a bit pushy! ‘And I p
icked a DIY course because I thought you wanted to leave me! I was trying to make that easy for you.’
‘You wanted to make it easy for me to leave?’ Mark looked confused.
‘Well, yes, if you wanted to go,’ said Lisa. It sounded silly now. But at the time it had seemed logical!
‘But why would I want to go?’ asked Mark.
‘I don’t know.’ Lisa stopped. She took a deep breath and then said, ‘Keith did.’ There! Lisa had spat out her fear at last.
Mark could have reacted in one of two ways. He might have shouted that he was not Keith. That he was sick of being punished for Keith’s crimes. Or he might just pull her into his arms and tell her not to be a daft cow – which is what he did. But he said ‘daft cow’ in a nice way so she knew everything was all right. After all, he was male and not able to make long romantic speeches. But Mark was grinning from one ear to the other.
Since he took that so well, Lisa carried on. ‘I didn’t want you to feel trapped. Everyone has been going on about how old I am. You’re younger. I didn’t want to make you feel you were stuck with us all. We come as a package deal. Me and the three kids.’
‘Four kids now,’ said Mark. But he didn’t look worried.
They moved through to the front room. They cuddled up on the sofa. Mark put on the TV. He’d clearly done enough talking for one night – probably enough for a lifetime.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t call you straight away,’ said Lisa. ‘I should have.’
‘Yeah, you should have,’ said Mark, and he smiled. ‘You know I’m good at fixing stuff.’
The feelings of fear and loneliness began to fade. It seemed that Lisa had got it wrong again. She’d thought Keith was for life but she was wrong about that. Then she’d thought Mark was a stopgap or the rebound. But maybe she was wrong about that too.
‘What do we do next?’ asked Lisa.
‘There’s plenty of time to think about names,’ said Mark. ‘Put your feet up. I’ll make you beans on toast with Cheddar melted on the top, your favourite. There’s plenty of protein in that. It’s good for the baby.’
