“I know exactly what I’m saying. I may be dreaming but I know what I want. I’ve always wanted you, from the minute I saw you. And I thought you wanted me, too. I don’t understand what happened.”
He wanted to tell her, wanted to lay it all out for her so she’d know why he couldn’t want her. Wanted to tell her why he needed to hate her and why what she’d done was so awful.
But he couldn’t do it. Because his sins weren’t any less than hers.
“I know you don’t. And I’m not going to lay them out now. Maybe one day—”
With a harsh sigh, she pushed away from him, rolling onto her other side so she faced away from him.
“This dream sucks. Just like real life. Wonder what that says about my crappy life.”
God damn it. Every word out of her mouth drove the stiletto she’d stuck in his heart just a little deeper.
And then he heard her sniffle.
Jesus fucking Christ.
What the fuck did he do now?
Lying down beside her, he wrapped his arms around her and dragged her close again. Which just seemed to make her cry even harder. But she cried without making a sound and that made him feel even worse than if she’d sobbed at loud decibels.
“Don’t cry, sweetheart. Don’t fucking cry. I can’t fucking stand it.”
She sniffed. “You can’t fucking stand me, can you? No, you can’t. I just don’t know what I did to make you hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Dorrie. I can’t hate you.”
Her crying jag ended with a hiccup. “I really wish that were true.”
And he really wished he could tell her when she wasn’t drunk and half asleep. Or when his desire for her wasn’t riding him like a freight train barreling down the track.
Hell, she probably wouldn’t even remember her dream tomorrow morning.
And he’d want her to remember. Would want her to remember every kiss, every breath, every touch, every time he stroked inside her and every orgasm he gave her.
He wanted there to be multiples.
Probably should stop thinking about sex if you want to get out of here without breaking any laws.
But he couldn’t make himself get up and leave her alone in the dark.
So he hoped like hell that she wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning and pulled her back into the cradle of his body and held her until the room filled with light.
Chapter Four
When she woke, Dorrie’s first thought was of her dream.
It’d felt so damn real that she rolled over, almost expecting to see Ian.
Of course, he wasn’t there.
Stupid. You’re so stupid.
Still, the disappointment that swept through her made her furious. And the hammering headache behind her eyes made tears rise.
Damn it. What the hell had she done?
Since she was still dressed, the answer to that question was probably nothing. And since Ben was nowhere to be found… Guess there’d be no walk of shame.
Yay me! Still haven’t gotten laid.
Maybe she really was untouchable.
With a sigh, she moved carefully to the edge of the massive bed, swung her legs over the side, and gently placed her feet on the floor. She caught sight of her phone on the bedside table…and three little white pills and a bottle of water.
Ben.
Nice to have someone take care of her for a change, even if he hadn’t wanted to sleep with her.
And that probably wasn’t something she wanted to think about now. Not with a hangover threatening to tear her head apart.
That’d been a particularly stupid move on her part, especially since she needed to get back to her office to check on Blank.
Picking up her phone, she found a text from her head nurse.
Patient sleeping well. No complications.
Another sigh, this one heartfelt. Blank would be okay. She’d make sure of it. And she’d never tell him about her one-night indiscretion. Which hadn’t involved much indiscretion.
Swallowing the pills and following it with half of the water, she got to her feet and headed for the door, running her fingers through her hair.
Head held as high as she could, considering the pounding in her temples, she found her way downstairs, following the faint sound of conversation.
She saw the front door, noticed her purse, coat, and sneakers on a chair not far from it, and wondered if she should cut her losses, grab her stuff, and leave before Ben and whoever he was talking to knew she was up.
Coward.
Right this second… Yep, pretty much.
But if she did that, she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to face Ben again. And that thought didn’t sit well. Because she actually did want to see Ben again.
The thought didn’t surprise her. She’d been attracted to him last night. Attracted enough to make a play for him. A play he’d turned down.
Par for her course, right?
So…did she leave before he realized she was up? Or did she set herself up for more disappointment?
Well, hell. Might as well make this the second-most-awful weekend of her life.
After a deep breath and a silent thanks that her hangover had slightly receded, she headed for the back of the house.
On her way, she let herself look around. Other than a few framed pictures on the fireplace mantel, there weren’t a lot of decorations. Scratch that. There was absolutely no decoration.
No pictures on the walls, no tchotchkes on the tables. Actually, there wasn’t a lot of furniture. And all of it basic, like Ben and his cousin hadn’t had the time or inclination to do more than the bare minimum. The house wasn’t huge but it felt empty.
How long had they lived here? Had they just moved in? Was she about to meet Ben’s cousin? And what the hell was she going to say to Ben?
The coward’s way out was looking better by the second.
Looking over her shoulder, she’d almost convinced herself to make a break for it when she heard footsteps.
Her head whipped around to find Ben leaning against the doorjamb, watching her with a steady gaze.
“Good morning. How do you feel?”
He kept his voice low, his lips curved in a smile that almost made her want to return it.
No, not almost. She wanted to smile back. The man was even more handsome in the light of day. His hair disheveled, the curls much more defined for being unruly. And those eyes… So unusual. And so warm.
“I’m fine. And thank you for the pills and the water.”
His grin widened. “Figured you might need them. Sleep okay?”
Was she imagining it or did he seem particularly interested in her answer to that question? Which was ridiculous because there was no way he could know about her dreams.
Still, she felt color rise in her cheeks and was powerless to stop it.
God, she so hated her inability to make small talk. She’d never been good at it.
“Yes. I’m sorry if I put anyone out of their bed—”
“No worries.” Ben shrugged. “My cousin never came home.”
“Good. I mean… Thanks, again, for the place to stay.”
“You want some breakfast?’
She did but she wasn’t sure if she should stay or if he was just being nice. In her experience, there weren’t that many nice guys out there.
So what’s wrong with this one?
His smile widened as she stayed silent. “I promise it won’t involve alcohol. And I’m not a bad cook, if I do say so myself.”
Her stomach chose that moment to rumble and her blush deepened.
“Breakfast would be nice. Thank you.”
“Then come on into the kitchen and I’ll make you something. Eggs, pancakes? Any preference?”
“Which would you prefer?”
“I’m up for anything.”
Was she reading into things or had that sounded like a tease?
Damn it, she wasn’t good at this shit, this male-female shit. S
he didn’t have the experience. Hell, she might as well just admit that she was socially awkward and be done with it.
“Then…pancakes?”
He nodded and turned toward the industrial-size fridge along the wall. The kitchen was all white with stainless appliances. It looked like something out of a magazine spread, something a professional chef would have in his home.
“Is your cousin a chef?”
Ben’s laughter bounced around the room as he took eggs and milk out of the fridge then set them on the island before turning back to the cabinets for other ingredients.
“No. Not at all. I designed the kitchen. I like to cook so I knew what I wanted and I knew where I wanted it. My cousin said to go for it so I did. We pretty much gutted the house from basement to attic.”
Since she’d lived in the city all her life, she knew how much that had cost. Which meant Ben and his cousin weren’t hurting for money.
“What does your cousin do?”
“We work in the same field.”
“Does he work for Adam and Tristan, too?”
“Hmm. So you wanna be good and have strawberries? Or do you want chocolate chips in your pancakes? I’m feeling like chocolate. Wanna be bad with me?”
Her eyes widened because she couldn’t misunderstand him now. He was flirting with her.
And now she was frozen like a deer in the headlights.
Come on, you idiot. Say something.
“I think…I’d like that.”
Now his smile turned wicked and there was definitely a look in his eyes that hadn’t been there before.
“Glad to hear it. Chocolate it is.”
Ben watched emotions flow over Dorrie’s face for a few seconds before he tore his gaze away.
He didn’t want to embarrass her or make her uncomfortable.
No, what he wanted to do was reach across the island, wrap a hand around her nape, and pull her close enough to kiss. The temptation was so strong, he found it hard to concentrate for several seconds and nearly messed up the pancake batter by adding way too much vanilla.
Luckily, she hadn’t noticed his distraction or she was choosing to ignore it.
He was betting on the first because she definitely looked a little shell-shocked. Like she didn’t know how to handle his teasing.
Was she really that awkward with men? Or was she just that stiff?
Again, he was going with the first.
“Have you checked in on your guy? How’s he doing?”
Her head popped up from her examination of the counter. Or had she been watching his hands as they mixed and chopped? Was she wondering how his hands would feel stroking her body? Or was that just wishful thinking on his part?
“He’s fine.” Her tentative smile made his gut clench. “Thank you again for staying with me last night. Blank’s so damn stubborn, I’m afraid he would’ve bled out before letting on how badly he was hurt.”
“Glad to hear he’s gonna be okay.”
She paused and, for at least a minute, silence held as he whisked the batter.
“So…how well do you know Ian?”
Damn, he’d been hoping she wouldn’t go there because he didn’t want to lie to her.
“We’ve worked together for a few months now.” Totally true. And then his curiosity got the better of him. “How do you know Ian?”
Her gaze dropped immediately. “We’ve met. A few times. Can I give you a hand with those?”
As he’d expected, she backed off but Ben was a little pissed. Mostly at his cousin. He still didn’t know exactly what had happened between them, but he knew why Ian had dropped her when he’d discovered who she worked for.
Ben supposed he should feel the same.
He couldn’t.
And he realized the reason Ian had such a strong reaction to her was because he couldn’t hate her either.
“Do you like working with Tristan and Adam?”
“Yeah, I do. It’s been an adjustment but I know I made the right decision to leave the service.”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “I didn’t know that.” Then she grimaced. “Which is a stupid thing to say. We don’t know each other at all, do we?”
Ladling batter onto the electric griddle, he tried to dissect her tone. Did she want to know him better?
“No, we don’t. But I’d like to change that.”
A hint of a sweet smile on her lips. “Aren’t we doing that now?”
“How about we do it tonight over dinner, too?”
She blinked and her lips parted as if she were shocked. Why the hell was she so surprised that he wanted to go out with her?
“Dinner? Together?”
Laughing, he nodded as he flipped the pancakes. “Yeah, it’d help if we were together when we try to get to know one another.”
A faint blush colored her cheeks and she sank her teeth into her bottom lip, nibbling at the flesh until he wanted to groan.
Yeah, she worked for Antonoff, but no one could claim their hands were completely clean in this world. Hell, Ian had blood on his hands, just like Ben. At least this woman saved lives, not took them.
When she stayed silent for long seconds, he wondered if she was going to say no. She kept watching him, deliberating, and he had no idea what she was thinking.
“Okay.” She nodded. “Sure. I’d love to.”
Then she flat-out smiled.
And holy hell, the impact felt like a punch in the gut. Yeah, he’d been attracted to her before, thought she was pretty. But now…
That smile totally transformed her from haughty cool to warm beauty. This was the woman Ian had fallen for, before he’d discovered who paid her salary.
And maybe that should’ve made Ben cautious, a little less eager to pursue her.
But there was a reason their grammy had called him her mountain climber. If there was an obstacle in his path, he climbed it instead of going around. Sometimes he fell off a few times before making it over, sometimes he got to the top and rolled down the other side.
But no matter what, he made it to the top because he was determined the obstacle wouldn’t stand in his way to getting what he wanted.
He wanted her.
And what about Ian?
Ben knew from experience that Ian could be an immovable force. He also knew his cousin had spent the night wrapped around this woman but had left before she’d woken.
And maybe it was because their new partners, Tristan and Adam, had a three-way relationship that seemed to be working. Or maybe it was just because Ben wanted it to work.
But Ian and Dorrie would get on board with Ben’s plan.
And they’d like it.
*
Dorrie made it through breakfast with Ben without saying anything inappropriate or getting flustered and doing something stupid.
Put her in her lab coat or scrubs and she was poised and in control. Set her loose on a soccer field and she never faltered.
Put her in a room with a man she actually liked? Watch her become a bumbling, fumbling idiot. Drinks spilled, food accidentally flew across the room, or she spoke and people gasped or, worse, had to bite back laughter.
She’d gotten really good at that last one during med school until she’d learned to smile and keep her mouth shut when she was around other people.
But not with Ben. She could talk to him. He made her feel…normal.
“Are you sure I can’t give you a ride back to your apartment? It’s not a problem.”
She shook her head as she grabbed her bag from the chair by the front door. “No, but thank you. I’m headed back to my office first. I’ve got to check on Blank and I’ve got a ton of paperwork. And I usually spend a few hours helping at the clinic.”
A frown drew down his eyebrows. “Clinic?”
Nodding, she swung her purse strap over her shoulder and checked out the front window for the taxi.
“The free clinic on Market. It’s not far from my apartment or my office. I spend as much time as I can ther
e on Saturdays.” And nights when she had nothing else to do, which was at least twice a week. Maybe Risa had a point about her being a workaholic. She shrugged. “They never have enough staff so they’re always grateful for the assist.”
And she didn’t feel as guilty about her dad’s money—
No. Not going there now.
Ben didn’t say anything else for a few seconds and she turned to see if something had happened. She found him staring at her, his gaze almost dissecting.
Then he blinked and his smile returned.
“So,” he drew the word out to at least four syllables, “I’ll pick you up at seven tonight?”
“Okay. Yes, I’d… Yes.”
Ben’s smile widened and the heat she’d seen in his eyes earlier returned.
She needed to leave before she threw herself at him and totally embarrassed herself. Luckily, the cab she’d called parked out front and beeped.
She turned for the door, but Ben had his hand on the knob before she could reach for it.
“See you tonight.”
She nodded, not sure she wouldn’t say something stupid if she opened her mouth now, and practically ran for the taxi, grateful she didn’t trip on her way to the street. Would’ve been just her luck.
Sliding into the backseat, she told the driver where she wanted to go then settled into the seat and took a deep breath and another. The driver probably thought she was a nutcase as she sucked in air and fanned her face.
Then again, the sun shone and the temperature was already in the sixties. It looked like it was going to be a beautiful day.
And she had a date tonight.
How pitiful was it that she was twenty-seven and felt like a teenager simply because a guy had asked her out?
Shaking her head, she dug out her phone. Risa was sure to have heard about what had happened last night and was probably about ready to call in the cavalry because Dorrie hadn’t responded to her texts.
Sure enough, Risa had blown up her phone.
Heard about shooting. You okay?
Is everything okay?
He says you’re fine. Are you fine? Call me.
Did you go to bed already?
Risa had sent her last text at 1:43 a.m.
I am so going to kick your ass the next time I see you. You better call as soon as you get this and your phone had better be in about 100 little pieces as your reason for not calling me back. Love you. Call me.
An Indecent Longing Page 6
