by C. P. Odom
Bingley probably will settle on Jane, and Darcy might settle on Elizabeth. But the marriage of Collins and Mary was now a virtual certainty!
***
For her part, Elizabeth enjoyed her dance with Wickham greatly, and she would have preferred to continue on with him except she was already engaged for the next set. But then came the moment she had been dreading when she saw Darcy’s imposing figure walking in her direction.
She took his offered arm, expecting a repetition of the feelings that greatly disturbed her before. And indeed a profound effect swept through her in a breathtaking rush not at all as she expected.
When she laid her gloved hand on the sleeve of his coat, she anticipated a surge of the same strange warmth. Instead, Elizabeth felt a deep and sublime pleasure of a far different nature. It was as though her hand was where it belonged. And she wanted it to be on the arm of this tall, handsome man who once again wished to dance with her.
That was what took her breath away. She wanted to touch his arm. She wanted to walk with him to the dance floor. She could not explain it, but something—something within her—had changed for reasons as mysterious as her previous feelings of desire!
As the dance started, Elizabeth looked up at the man she said she did not like, and she could not find the antipathy she expected. She knew he was still as proud as he had been…and it no longer mattered. She knew it was a defect…and she accepted it. It was innate within him. She was not happy at the realization…but still, she wanted to dance with this man.
How could everything change so fast and for no logical reason? she wondered wildly since she felt the same acceptance of his other unfavorable attributes—his sense of superiority, his concern for his family name, even his disdain for others and his selfishness. She wished it were not so, but now she would rather be dancing with this most imperfect man than to be anywhere else in the world.
What am I going to do! she thought frantically. Have I actually fallen in love with such a man? How could I? I know what he is! How could this happen?
But her memory provided at least a partial answer.
Jane said Bingley considered Mr. Darcy a most admirable man. He is supposed to be quite amiable with his close acquaintances. And I have not heard of anything that betrays him to be unprincipled, unjust, or even hints at irreligious or immoral habits. Bingley said he was esteemed and valued among his own connections. And Miss Darcy, when she and I sat with Jane, esteemed him as the most wonderful brother. How could such an amiable man as Mr. Bingley be such close friends with a man of no worth? What is the truth of the matter?
However, as Elizabeth was guided through the steps of the dance with an increasing sense of contentment and comfort, it did not matter. She could do nothing other than admit she had fallen in love with the man who had awakened forbidden passions within her, passions that upset…and fulfilled her. She had fallen in love with Fitzwilliam Darcy, the man who would never marry her.
She would not allow herself to think about that now. She just wanted to dance with him.
***
McDunn noticed nothing unusual when Darcy and Elizabeth danced. There certainly had not been the altercation he expected though he knew that by now Wickham must have spun to Elizabeth the tale of his boyhood friend’s betrayal. For whatever reason, she had not confronted Darcy with it. There had been conversation between them as they danced, but it had all seemed light and amiable with smiles on both sides.
When the dances ended and the people started to move toward the dining room, McDunn left the balcony and descended to the main floor. Bingley had specifically told him he would reserve a place for him in the dining room even if he did not dance. Moreover, he had promised to seat him near Mrs. Bennet. Bingley supposed the two had formed a pleasant acquaintance and desired to talk at supper, when the truth of it was different: McDunn was interested in seeing and hearing Mrs. Bennet humiliate herself as Austen described.
It should prove most interesting! Though I definitely need to refrain from baiting her!
Upon entering, he found considerable crowding and confusion as everyone sought their seats, not all of which were marked by placards. When McDunn realized only the gentlemen had placards, it became apparent this had been done intentionally since it would allow each gentleman to be paired with a partner of his choice. He spotted Bingley at the main table with Jane already at his side. Bingley saw him in turn, waved, and pointed to a table not far from his own.
Sure enough, McDunn found a placard with his name on the table near the Bennets, but he was rather surprised to see Darcy and Elizabeth seated several places away from him.
When supper was served, he was not surprised to find the meal up to the same high standards he had grown used to since arriving. Caroline might be an obnoxious twit, but she was a skilled hostess and had brought an established cook from town when Bingley took possession of the estate.
Because of Darcy’s attention to Elizabeth, McDunn had expected his friend to be seated other than in the novel. Thus, as Mrs. Bennet opened her conversation with Lady Lucas, McDunn could not find the diversion he had expected because both Darcy and Elizabeth were close enough to hear the exchange.
“It will meet with all my desires when I see Jane comfortably settled at Netherfield and Lizzy equally well disposed in Derbyshire,” she said, with an animation and lack of tact that made McDunn wince, though he had fully expected as much.
“It will be such an advantageous match with Netherfield being only three miles away from Longbourn. Mr. Bingley is such a charming young man—I think you would agree—as well as being so rich. And his sisters are so fond of Jane, you know, and they must be as desirous of the connection as Mr. Bennet and myself.”
Mrs. Bennet seemed incapable of fatigue as she continued. “And Lizzy’s match with Mr. Darcy will be just as splendid, though Derbyshire is so far away. But both connections will be such a promising thing for our other daughters, who cannot help but be thrown in the company of other rich men.”
Perhaps realizing, at last, the impropriety of her conversation, Mrs. Bennet began to speak of the advantage of being able to consign her single daughters to the care of their sisters so she might not be obliged to go into company more than she liked.
McDunn could well imagine Lady Lucas must have had to bite her tongue after this remark for she must have known as well as he did that no one was less likely to remain at home than Mrs. Bennet. It had to have been equally hard for the woman to remain silent as Mrs. Bennet concluded with many good wishes for Lady Lucas to soon be equally fortunate, though her lack of belief in such an occurrence and her insincerity in expressing it was clear to see.
McDunn knew both Darcy and Elizabeth could easily overhear her mother, and he saw Elizabeth blush repeatedly at her mother’s vulgarity and lack of sense. Her embarrassment was clear, and she did not raise her eyes from her plate as she ate mechanically and with no grace. For his part, Darcy had listened to the beginning of Mrs. Bennet’s self-satisfied boasting with an expression of indignant contempt that gradually changed to a composed and steady gravity.
But Mrs. Bennet’s proclamations about possible connections were not only a topic of conversation in the dining room. McDunn had heard whisper after whisper speaking of the unbelievable good fortune of the Bennet family as he made his way into the room. The connection between Bingley and Jane was accepted while the new awareness of Darcy’s attentions toward Elizabeth trailed somewhat behind due to his elevated status and fortune.
But McDunn had to listen closely to discern those whispers, whereas Mrs. Bennet had broadcast her coup to all those about her. And true to the text, her husband had so little diligence he did nothing to restrain his wife.
***
Elizabeth had entered the dining room flushed with the unexpected resolution of her previous conflicts. Even though it had been one she never could have
expected, it had sprung upon her full-blown without any impingement on her consciousness. It was like nothing she had ever experienced.
Such had been her satisfaction at having her doubts settled that she had done what she had never expected: she followed Charlotte’s advice not to conceal her affection from the object of it, impelled by her newfound love for this man. Her happiness shone through, and she made no attempt to conceal it. She laughed, talked, and barely took her eyes off his.
She felt Darcy responding to her in a manner neither he nor she had expected or heretofore experienced. His cold, reserved half-smiles became warmer and more frequent. His words were no longer delivered in his usual stiff and restrained manner.
Then her mother began to speak to Lady Lucas.
As soon as she comprehended what her mother was saying, Elizabeth’s eyes were torn from Darcy’s to stare at her mother in horror.
This cannot be happening! How could my own mother openly boast of things such as this, especially since Mr. Darcy can hear every mortifying word! Does she think such people as he and Mr. Bingley would want a connection between themselves and a family such as ours? Does she even think at all?
It took only a single glance at Darcy to verify her concerns. Where his face had been softening just minutes before, it was now hardening into lines of contempt. The usual haughtiness and reserve had returned. Improvements she had imagined a short time earlier had disappeared under the avalanche of her mother’s boasts and improprieties. Her father sat beside his wife, and yet, he did nothing—nothing!—to restrain her wild talk. Was he as lost to civil and mannerly behavior as her mother? Could anyone in her family besides Jane and herself conduct themselves with any decorum at all?
She could not look at Darcy and bent her head to look down at her napkin. She began to eat but could not seem to taste anything. Her belly was twisted into knots, and she could feel bile rise up within her.
Everything is ruined, she thought dully. My mother’s remarks may even destroy any hopes for Jane and Mr. Bingley. When Mr. Darcy informs him of what he heard, he will surely advise him to break off any attachment. And how could I blame him? Our family deserves all the contempt they will attach to us. How, oh how can I tell Jane the destruction of her hopes was directly attributable to our own family?
Even now, when my hopes are ashes in my mouth, my traitorous body still longs for him. Perhaps I should simply accept what is clear, that I am ruined utterly and completely, both in hopes and in virtue.
***
Has any mother ever so utterly disgraced her family as has Mrs. Bennet? Fitzwilliam Darcy thought icily. I thought I was immune to the plotting of fortune-hunting mothers, but it seems the coarseness of this one has had an untoward effect on me.
Of course, I should perhaps thank her for displaying her inability to know how to act with propriety. Had she been as skilled as some mothers at the art of finding rich husbands, I might not have realized the degree to which I had allowed myself to be bewitched by this daughter of hers.
He looked at Elizabeth seated beside him, remembering how much he had enjoyed their dance and the heightened liveliness she had shown. She had been so clearly pleased by his attentions that he had momentarily thought she might bring him the happiness in marriage Georgiana had so casually suggested. Now, he was shocked to realize he had so forgotten his place in society as to even consider it. He wondered how it had happened because he had thought himself immune to her attractions because of the inferiority of her family and connections. He had let her increasing attractiveness and pleasing manner overwhelm him, it seemed.
It had been a narrow escape, but he did feel a pang of sympathy for her. It was not Elizabeth’s fault she had been saddled with a stupid and improper mother, a lazy and indifferent father, and totally unrestrained sisters.
Except for the eldest, he thought. Miss Bennet is as gracious and proper in behavior and person as is Miss Elizabeth. Somehow, they escaped the influence of their ill-mannered mother as well as their father. But I shall have to talk to Bingley before he leaves for town in the morning. I will have to make sure he realizes the kind of expectation he has inspired in this country neighborhood with his attentions to Miss Bennet. Dancing four times with her tonight! What other conclusions could be drawn?
***
Hardly daring to look at Darcy, who now sat grave and silent beside her, Elizabeth looked toward Jane to assess whether she had heard her mother, but she was calmly talking to Bingley, who gave every evidence of enjoying himself greatly. His two sisters bore their usual look of amused, supercilious contempt, and Elizabeth dismissed them from her thoughts, sinking back into the blackness of dejection and regret.
It appeared as though her family had determined to expose themselves as much as they could during the evening. In any case, it would have been impossible for them to play their parts with more spirit or finer success at destroying her personal longings. She was cautiously happy for Jane since it seemed as though Bingley had not noticed anything that impacted her, and it was her opinion his feelings were not of a sort to be overly distressed by the follies of the evening.
Unlike Mr. Darcy! He is more easily affected by such defects in manners and propriety. I have known as much since the first night I met him, and it was only the brief raising of my hopes that allowed me to forget it. The shattering of my hopes, unrealistic as they were, has brought down a gloom I never thought possible. If it were not a sin, I would wish to die this instant.
***
Her gloom and despair continued to increase until Darcy rose to escort her back to the ballroom. He had perceived Elizabeth’s dejection and understood it though he had not a clue as to its extent. In his ignorance, he made an attempt to relieve Elizabeth’s unhappiness, intending to tell her he bore her no blame for her mother’s improprieties.
But Elizabeth only shook her head, clearly not wishing to talk. He had no idea what to do, and he clumsily attempted to alleviate her gloom by asking whether she had any dances not spoken for. Knowing her affinity for dancing, he thought he might make his sympathy known, even if she was not in the mood for talking.
Only then did he realize her shoulders had started to shake, and now more worried, he moved to see her face.
She is crying! But why? She had no part in her mother’s impropriety!
Elizabeth’s face now crumpled completely as she was overwhelmed by whatever caused her grief, and she sobbed uncontrollably. Suddenly, hiding her face in her handkerchief, she turned and all but ran through the doors near at hand, ones leading to the garden. As quick as he was, Darcy could not reach the exit before she disappeared through it, though he lost no time in following her.
It was bitterly cold outside, far too cold for a lady wearing slippers made for dancing and without a coat for warmth. Darcy looked around, not able to see her at first in the darkness.
Then he spotted her beside a hedge and moved her way. When he got close, he was unsurprised that her shoulders still heaved and her hands covered her face as she sobbed.
“Miss Elizabeth,” he said as gently as he could manage, “is there anything I may do to help you?”
She shook her head fiercely, but Darcy was still alarmed. “Did I offend you in any way? I do not know what I may have done, but I must urge you to return indoors. It is far too cold for you to be out here.”
At this, Elizabeth took her hands from her face, and the light shining through Netherfield’s windows allowed him to see the tears still streaming down it.
“It is no use,” she said, her voice so soft and expressionless, he leaned forward to hear her more clearly.
Her eyes, sparkling with tears, looked directly into his, and he thought them as lifeless as her voice.
“It will never change. Nothing will ever change. There is no hope whatever.”
“Of what, Miss Elizabeth? Surely, there must a
lways be hope!”
“There is none,” she repeated. “None whatever. There never was. There never will be. There is no chance you even know what I am talking about.”
“I have to admit my complete bewilderment, Miss Elizabeth.”
In response, she stepped close to him until they were only inches away. “I am sure that is true,” she said, and there was an element of anger in her voice to match her grief. “But the simple fact is—for reasons I cannot explain either to you or even to myself—that I love you.”
Seeing his reaction, she nodded fiercely and repeated, “That is correct, Mr. Darcy. I love you despite my insignificance. It is my curse to love you.”
Reaching down, she took hold of his hand. Taking his wrist, she carefully removed his glove and dropped it on the ground.
Then she stunned him by bringing his palm to her lips and lightly, caressingly, kissed it before moving on and kissing the tip of each finger.
Darcy was dumbfounded by what was happening, and his mouth went dry. Her eyes rose to meet his, and there was no hint of sobbing as she spoke, almost fiercely.
“In addition to loving you, Mr. Darcy, I desire you—fiercely and completely, as a woman desires a man. But this will have to serve as my memory. At least I have kissed you, after a fashion. There is no hope of more. I know and accept it now.”
She looked at him with mingled coldness and regret. “I would recommend you find a fashionable woman such as Miss Bingley to marry. Such a lady could give you a proper heir or two. After which, you could both take lovers, as is common among those of your station, so you could both live a life almost completely separate from the other.”
Then, releasing his hand, she stepped back and pulled her handkerchief from her sleeve to dry her tears. Her voice was firm as she spoke. “Goodbye, Mr. Darcy. I do not think we should ever meet again.”
