‘You’re ripping our family apart!’ your dad said, just before he took his posting off to Lebanon. ‘And this has to stop – we have Melissa to think of.’
But I wasn’t even in a place where I could listen. The only comfort I could draw was in keeping my little silent vigil outside the Andrews’ house night after night.
I like to think I’ve started to move on since those dark, black days. And I like to think that’s because of you, gently helping me from wherever you are now. Because wherever you are, my darling, I know that you can hear me.
Susan
ST MICHAEL’S WELLNESS CENTRE
Days later, Emily was hugging Susan her final goodbye on the steps outside St Michael’s.
‘You won’t forget me, now, sure you won’t?’ Emily said to Susan.
‘How could I?’ Susan smiled as she gathered up the last of her things and stuffed them into the same suitcase she’d arrived at St Michael’s with. ‘You’re the one who kept me together while I was in here.’
‘I’ll miss you,’ Emily said sadly. ‘You were the normal one in here by a mile. Which I know isn’t saying much, considering the rest of us are certifiable.’
‘You know how you said you never got visitors?’ Susan said, before snapping her suitcase shut and hauling it off the bed, so she could wheel it downstairs. ‘Well, that ends here and now. I’ll be back to visit you, and that’s a promise.’
‘I’d love that,’ Emily said, brightening a bit. ‘And if you were to bring very large quantities of chocolate, I’d love it even more. Seriously, though,’ she added, ‘I’m so happy for you, that you’re going home to Primrose Square. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like the best place in Dublin to live – with the best gang of neighbours you could ask for.’
‘You have no idea.’ Susan smiled back. ‘The community there really helped me through some very dark times, let me tell you.’
‘Well,’ Emily added cheekily, ‘if you ever hear of a nice, cheap rental there going a-begging, give me a shout, won’t you?’
‘Will do,’ Susan said, delighted with the suggestion, ‘and that’s a promise.’
Bunny and Bungalow Bill had gathered on the steps outside to bid her a genuinely fond farewell too.
‘Don’t be a stranger to us now, love,’ Bunny said, hugging her warmly as Susan found herself choking back tears. ‘Just get out there and live the life that your daughter would have wanted you to live. That’s as much as you can do.’
‘Take my advice, Susan,’ Bungalow Bill said, lugging Susan’s case into the boot of her car for her. ‘And just take it one day at a time. Whenever anyone says to me, “Have a nice day”, I want to vomit all over them. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, I always say. Never mind having a nice day, you just try to have a day. That’s all. Then wait till you see, in no time, a week will have passed, then a month and then a year. Because that’s really the only way to heal, love, trust me. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. And you will heal, trust me. You have it in you.’
‘Thank you,’ Susan said simply, hugging him tightly and squeezing his scarred, mottled hands in hers. ‘You’ve been such a good friend to me in here – all of you. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how kind you’ve all been.’
‘Come back and see us very soon,’ Emily said, as Susan clambered into the driver’s seat of her car and switched on the ignition.
‘With fags!’ Bunny yelled, as they waved her off.
It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and by slipping away early, Susan had hoped she might get back to Primrose Square without any fuss and drawing minimal attention to herself. She’d even insisted on driving herself home, all by herself. A small act of independence, but one that was important to her.
Melissa was safely at Jayne’s, she knew, so her plan was to pick her up, then spend the evening quietly and peacefully at the house, just the two of them.
She pulled up outside her own house. So far so good. Then she fished out her door key and let herself in, but nothing could have prepared her for the sight that greeted her.
For a start, the whole house was completely spotless and shining, just like it used to be – a million miles from the pigsty she’d left behind her. How the hell did that happen? Susan wondered. Not only that, but there was a bright neon pink banner with sparkly cut-out lettering dangling across the hallway that spelled out simply: WELCOME HOME, MUM!
She was just trying to digest this when, from behind her, there was a gentle tap on the half-open hall door, and in came Melissa, her little princess, with a beaming Jayne not far behind her.
‘Mum!’ Melissa grinned happily, running over to grip her in a huge, tight hug. ‘We saw your car and . . . oh Mum, you’re here, you’re really home! It’s so good to have you back . . . I missed you so, so much . . . And Mum, I’ve got millions to tell you!’
‘My darling,’ Susan kept saying over and over, burying her face in Melissa’s thick head of hair, trying not to let the child see the tears that sprang to her eyes. ‘It’s wonderful to be home again. Just us, baby.’
‘Just us.’ Melissa smiled.
‘Forgive me letting myself in here when you were away,’ Jayne interrupted softly, from where she stood at the hall door. ‘But I figured the last thing you’d want to face when you got home was a load of aul’ housework.’
‘Oh Jayne,’ said Susan feelingly, breaking away from Melissa and going to give her old pal a warm hug. ‘There never was nor never will be a neighbour like you. You’re one in a million, do you know that? I’m hoarse singing your praises to all the gang at St Michael’s.’
‘Mum,’ Melissa said, tugging at her arm and bursting to talk to her. ‘So much has happened here on the square since you were in that place! You have to meet Jayne’s new “friend”,’ she added, stressing the word ‘friend’ and giving Jayne a sideways, teasing look. ‘Eric is absolutely lovely and so kind and he’s knickers-mad about Jayne . . . I just know. I can tell.’
‘Oh, would you go on out of that.’ Jayne flushed red all the way down to her neck. ‘Eric is dying to meet you, though, Susan. He’s heard so much about you.’
‘I can’t wait to meet him either,’ Susan said, intrigued and really dying to get a look at the famous Eric, who did healings and gave crystals to her daughter, and who seemed to slot in so well with Jayne’s life.
‘He did your hedges for you when you were away, Mum,’ said Melissa. ‘But that’s not the main news I have to tell you. You know Nancy?’
‘Your new pal from down the road who has the fancy job at the National?’ Susan asked. Of course, she already knew all about Nancy from Melissa. It had been nothing but Nancy this and Nancy that for ages now.
‘Yeah, but did I tell you what happened to her, Mum? Nancy says there’s been more drama on Primrose Square than there is at the theatre.’
‘What happened?’ Susan asked, mystified.
‘Well, Nancy’s landlord turned up on the doorstep when I was having a sleepover with her, and it turns out he’s not who she thought he was at all, and now he’s threatening to throw her out on the street and none of this is Nancy’s fault at all and now she’s really upset, because she loves it here on the square and it took her ages to find anywhere to live—’
‘Nonsense,’ Jayne interrupted firmly. ‘Nancy is a lovely young one and she’ll always have a bed in my house. Especially with you moving back home with your mum, Melissa, love. Sure I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.’
Melissa looked delighted at that, as Susan took a moment to squeeze her daughter’s hand and take a good look around her.
Last time I was here, she thought, I was a different woman. There was a stone in my chest where my heart should have been. I was out of my mind with grief and my brain was toasted with all the sedatives I could find. I was a lousy mother to the daughter I had left, the one thing God had spared me, and I was an even worse wife to a decent, loving husband who couldn’t handle me or my breakdown.
‘You even got tiger lilies,’ she said, taking a moment to smell the delicious fresh fragrance from the huge bunch in the vase at her hall doorway. ‘I’ve always loved that flower and I never knew why.’
‘Oh, I can’t take credit for that.’ Jayne smiled. ‘It was Eric’s idea. He says they symbolise feminine strength.’
‘Feminine strength,’ Susan repeated softly to herself. ‘What’s not to like about feminine strength?’
*
It was an unseasonably warm, almost hot afternoon, and after ‘a grand, strong pot of tea’, as Jayne put it, with a few sticky buns and a big chat, all three ladies – Susan, Melissa and Jayne – decided to go for a stroll across the road in the square. They chatted companionably and found a deserted park bench under a mimosa tree, where they could all spread out to enjoy the late afternoon rays.
This feels good, Susan thought, training herself to enjoy the little things, as everyone in St Michael’s had urged her to do. Melissa is happily chattering away beside me, Jayne is acting like the rock that she is and the sunshine is on my face. This is okay, she thought. With women like this around me, maybe I can come through this.
‘So then Eric got me started on the Bikram yoga a few weeks ago,’ Jayne was saying, ‘and at first I nearly died. Forty-degree heat in the studio, if you don’t mind . . . Unbearable! And the poor man in front of me farted every time he had to do a downward dog. We giggled about it so much afterwards, Eric and I.’
‘When do I get to meet the famous Eric?’ Susan asked. ‘Is he at your house now?’
‘He’s actually not at the minute,’ Jayne said, a bit mysteriously.
‘Oh? Where is he, then?’
‘He’s . . . well, let’s just say, he’s trying to mend fences with Jason,’ came the considered reply. ‘And let’s say a little prayer that it all resolves itself beautifully. As Eric always says, there’s nothing as draining on the human soul as negativity.’
Susan smiled to herself, just at the way Jayne was speaking. God, she was almost like a new person these days. Gone was the Jayne of old, who seldom went out her front door, unless it was to Mass or else to sit quietly with her own thoughts under a tree in the square. In her place here was this bundle of still-youthful vitality, dressed like a teenager in ‘athleisure’ gear, leggings and a fleece jumper, chatting freely and openly about life, the universe and the man who farts in her Bikram yoga class.
Everyone had written Jayne off, Susan thought. But everyone was wrong. Because she bounced back and there she was, a new woman, unrecognisable from the Jayne of old. Bloody hell, no wonder Jason was having a tough time dealing with this new incarnation of his mother, not that Susan had much sympathy for him or that awful Irene.
Just then, a figure came striding down a pathway towards the three ladies, earbuds in her ears, looking distracted and miles away.
‘Nancy!’ Melissa squealed. ‘Look, Mum, that’s her, that’s Nancy!’
‘Oh, bring her over, will you, love?’ Susan said. ‘I’m absolutely dying to meet her.’
Like a bolt, Melissa leapt up from the park bench and raced towards Nancy, almost knocking the girl over in her eagerness to give her a hug.
‘This,’ she said proudly, showing off her new pal, as she dragged a smiling Nancy back across the lawn with her, ‘is her! It’s Nancy, Mum. Isn’t she fab?’
Nancy took out her earbuds and gave Jayne a quick peck on the cheek, before shaking hands warmly with Susan.
‘It’s so wonderful to finally meet you,’ Nancy said, ‘and if it’s not too cheeky of me, can I just say welcome back?’
‘That’s lovely of you.’ Susan smiled gratefully. ‘It’s fab to finally meet you too. I know how good a friend you’ve been to Melissa – all I hear about is the production of Pride and Prejudice that you’re working on and how amazing it’s going to be.’
‘She’s a little star,’ Nancy said, with a sideways wink at Melissa. ‘She’s like the best neighbour you could ever ask for.’
‘Listen to her accent, Mum,’ Melissa said. ‘Doesn’t Nancy sound so posh?’
‘Speaking of neighbours,’ Jayne interrupted gently, ‘Nancy, love, I was horrified to hear what happened to you with that Sam what’s-his-name turning out not to be your real landlord at all. I can tell you this, if the father comes to live here permanently, he’ll get a right lash of my tongue, that’s for certain.’
‘It’s rotten, isn’t it?’ Nancy said with a grimace, as she plonked herself down on the ground in between the other ladies. ‘But the worst thought of all is that I’ll have to move away from neighbours like you. What you have here on the square is so special. I’ve lived all over the place and don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like it.’
‘I won’t hear a word of your nonsense about moving,’ said Jayne, with great finality. ‘You always have a room at my house, Nancy. Anytime you like, you just say the word and Eric will help you move all your bags into my spare room.’
At that, Susan caught a quick, hopeful glance from Melissa. She needed no further prompting, immediately taking the hint.
‘No,’ she said firmly. ‘Nancy has to stay with us.’
‘Really, Mum?’ said Melissa, beaming up at her. ‘I’d love that so much. That would be like the best thing ever!’
‘You could always take . . . ’ Susan broke off there, though. God knows, she needed all her resolve to get to the end of her next sentence.
You can do it, she told herself. Deep breath. Go for it.
Three pairs of eyes looked expectantly at her.
‘You’re more than welcome to have Ella’s room,’ Susan said quietly. ‘It would be so lovely to have someone in there again.’
There was a little silence, then Jayne slipped her arm supportively around Susan’s thin shoulders.
‘Good woman,’ she said. ‘You know it’s the right thing to do.’
‘Do you really mean it?’ Nancy asked, stunned by her generosity.
‘Of course she does!’ Melissa squealed. ‘In fact, let’s move you in right now . . . The sooner the better, right, Mum?’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ Nancy said. ‘There really are no words for me to thank you.’
‘OMG, this is going to be, like, sooooo amazing!’ said Melissa happily, unable to contain herself. ‘We’ll be like the best flatmates ever . . . like sisters!’
The words were out there before she could claw them back, and anxiously she glanced up at her mum to gauge her reaction. Her mum said nothing, but seemed . . . pretty okay with it all.
‘If I’ve learned one thing,’ Jayne said, after a thoughtful little pause, ‘it’s that we ladies are all stronger together.’
At that, she held her hand out and clasped Susan’s. Then Melissa instinctively piled her hand on top of theirs. Lastly, a smiling Nancy placed her hand on top, so all four women were linked.
‘Stronger together,’ Nancy said. ‘I love it.’
‘We’re tiger lilies,’ said Susan.
‘Exactly like tiger lilies.’
*
Later on that day, as Susan and Melissa made their way back to their own home, and just before Melissa went upstairs to her spotless bedroom in a house so tidy she barely recognised it, she went to give her mum a big hug goodnight.
‘It’s really wonderful to have you back home again, Mum,’ she said simply. ‘I missed you so much.’
‘Not half as much as I missed you, babes.’ Susan smiled, tucking Melissa under the chin, just like she used to when she was little.
But then Melissa paused midway up the stairs, as if she’d something on her mind and wasn’t quite sure how to say it, or whether to say it at all.
‘What’s wrong, love?’ Susan asked, sensing it.
Melissa bit her lip. ‘We
ll . . . it’s good to know you won’t do what you used to, before you got sick, Mum.’
‘What do you mean?’ Susan said, her eyebrows knitting downwards.
‘I mean . . . ’ Melissa stammered, ‘that you won’t go back to his house again tonight. You know who I mean, Mum. Josh Andrews’ house. Because they’ve cured you now, haven’t they?’ she added hopefully. ‘So there won’t be any more of that, will there? Please tell me no, Mum. Please.’
The plaintive look in her eyes almost cracked Susan’s heart in two, and she knew the child needed an answer more than anything.
‘No, love, I won’t,’ she said firmly. ‘I can promise you.’
‘So . . . you forgive Josh, then?’
Susan looked at her, weighing up whether in this instance honesty really was the best policy. And decided that it was, actually. After all, in St Michael’s they were always being hit with mantras like: ‘the truth will set you free’.
‘No, my darling,’ she said, after a thoughtful pause. ‘To be honest, I don’t think I ever could or ever will forgive Josh Andrews for what he did. Ever. But you know what? He has to live with himself and the knowledge of his involvement in Ella’s death for the rest of his life, so good enough for him. And my having a go at him in public and trying to shame him by parking myself outside of his house isn’t going to do anyone much good now, is it?
‘So rest assured, pet,’ she went on, ‘I’m not going anywhere tonight or any night. I’ll try to forget what that guy put us through, and I’ll try to remember that Ella had some responsibility for what happened too. But I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him. Maybe when you’re a mother one day yourself, then you’ll understand.’
‘Oh,’ said Melissa flatly, staring down at the floor. ‘I see.’
‘So you just put all of that nonsense about Josh Andrews right out of your head, okay, love?’ Susan said, a bit more brightly. ‘Now up you go to bed and I’ll come in to check on you shortly. And sleep sound, pet. You’ve no idea how much your old mum loves you.’
The Secrets of Primrose Square Page 28
