Leah’s jaw clenched. ‘‘Helaina needs to learn some manners.’’
‘‘Be that as it may, you should remember your Christian charity. You were the one who gave me such a difficult time of it when I wanted nothing to do with Helaina. Now you’re angry because I’m being kind.’’
Leah blew out a heavy breath. ‘‘I’m not trying to be difficult, Jacob. I’m just worried.’’
‘‘You needn’t worry about me. I’ve been through much worse than Helaina Beecham.’’ He grinned and added, ‘‘If she’s the most difficult thing I have to contend with, then my life will be rather simple.’’
‘‘I seriously doubt that.’’
‘‘I was just thinking that I could take her by sled to Seward. It would be a long and arduous trip, but Adrik would like to have me join him there anyway. We talked about the potential of it when we were in Sitka.’’
‘‘But you also have the Arctic exploration to consider. Have you given up on that idea? Captain Latimore will return in June and expect you to be a part of his team.’’
‘‘I know. I haven’t given up on such plans. I want to pray and seek what God wants me to do in regard to both options. I feel that God has a purpose in presenting both possibilities. I need to consider which might be best for all parties concerned. Including Helaina’s desire to get to a ship.’’
‘‘Helaina desires a great many things. Too many, if you ask me. She wants Chase captured. She wants to show the Pinkertons how capable she is. She wants you to make all of her obstacles go away.’’
Jacob actually laughed at this. ‘‘I wish I could. I wish I could set her free from the shackles that bind her, but only God can do that. She thinks she needs so many other things, when what she really needs is Jesus. She has no peace of mind—no hope for anything past the performance she can give.’’
Leah frowned. ‘‘I suppose I haven’t been too concerned with her spiritually, though I did seek her forgiveness for my mean spirit.’’
‘‘Then you should understand,’’ Jacob replied. ‘‘I want to help her see the truth. It isn’t a matter of allowing her to manipulate and have her own way. I want her to see that Chase and the original job she was given to do are no longer the reasons she’s still here. She focuses on this because it’s all she has. She doesn’t know how to be fulfilled any other way.’’
Leah put another piece of driftwood on the fire and stretched out her hands to the flames. ‘‘I can see the truth in that. I’ve suggested as much myself. I told her I believed she was seeking revenge for the past.’’
‘‘As have I.’’ Jacob leaned forward. ‘‘I don’t know what the Lord would have for me regarding Helaina. I do care about her . . . deeply. I never thought I would, given our initial introduction.’’
‘‘But she’s—’’ ‘‘Just hear me out.’’ Jacob looked at her hard. ‘‘I care about her. I can’t help it. I won’t pursue it because she doesn’t love God. She sees God as some sort of adversary. I couldn’t pretend that doesn’t matter. You know me well enough to realize that.’’
Leah nodded but remained silent. Jacob gazed into the flames and tried to figure out how to say what was on his heart. ‘‘When we were in Nome, you helped me to understand that often I allow my ability to discern people and their motives to keep me from caring about them—about their souls. I know that isn’t why God would give me such a gift. Helaina is hurting. She’s still trying to figure out why she was left behind when all that she loved, short of Stanley, was taken from her. She needs to understand that God isn’t the enemy here, and that terrible things will often happen to the children He loves, but it doesn’t alter His love for those children.
’’ Leah still said nothing, and Jacob looked up to find her crying. ‘‘Leah?’’
She looked to the ground. ‘‘I’m sorry.’’
‘‘Don’t be.’’ He scooted closer and hesitantly put his arm around her. She didn’t push him away and Jacob breathed a sigh of relief. ‘‘Talk to me.’’
‘‘I don’t think I can.’’
‘‘Of course you can. I love you. You’re my little sister. We made promises to each other a long time ago. Remember? We promised to be honest with each other and to take care of each other. Of course, Jayce has the job of caring for you now, but I will always love you.’’
Leah sank against him and he tightened his hold on her. ‘‘I used to think God would keep me from bad things. I remember asking Mama why God didn’t protect us from evil men and evil things. I asked her if God wasn’t strong enough. She told me that God was always able but that sometimes things happened as a means to bring Him honor and glory. Like remember when we were at that revival meeting and the minister talked about the missionaries who had been killed by the natives when they went to Africa?’’
‘‘I remember. He said the missionaries hoped that their story would bring people to God.’’
‘‘Yes, and even as they were being tortured to death, they praised God. That did inspire me, Jacob. I thought how wondrous it would be to have that kind of faith. To be put in the flames— to die for the cause of taking the Word of God to people who had never heard it. But at the same time, I couldn’t understand it. I still don’t. Those people were serving God. They were living for God, trusting Him for direction. They were being good to other people, and . . .’’ Her voice broke. ‘‘They were trying to do the right thing.’’
‘‘But still they died. Died in God’s service,’’ Jacob whispered. ‘‘And you were trying to do the right thing. You were living for God and trusting Him, and yet Chase came and took you away.’’
‘‘Yes.’’ She grew very quiet. For several minutes she said nothing, so Jacob merely waited. Finally, she looked up. ‘‘He forced himself on me, Jacob.’’
The words were delivered matter-of-factly. Jacob had no doubt they were true. ‘‘I’m so sorry, Leah. I wish I could have kept you from that.’’
Leah bit her lower lip and drew several ragged breaths. ‘‘He . . . well . . . I . . .’’ She shook her head and leaned back against her brother.
Jacob simply held her for several minutes, waiting until she felt able to speak again. He knew it would be important for her to talk.
‘‘I didn’t tell Jayce,’’ she finally said. ‘‘I couldn’t.’’
‘‘You’ll find the strength when the time is right. Jayce will understand.’’
‘‘How can he? I don’t.’’ Leah sat up. ‘‘I don’t understand why God would allow that to happen. I even tried to help Chase know more about God—about salvation. I tried to be helpful to Helaina even though I blamed her for our even being in that situation. I tried to have a good heart. Do you think my anger at Helaina caused God to punish me?’’
Jayce shook his head. ‘‘I don’t think God works that way, Leah.
I think what happened was the result of Chase’s evil ways. This is a corrupt world. There is evil that lurks and waits to cause harm in the lives of the innocent.’’
‘‘But we pray for God’s protection. The Bible is full of examples of people who were protected in times of trouble. Why not me, Jacob? Why not? What did I do that was so terrible that God wouldn’t hear my prayers?’’
Jacob felt a lump form in his throat as he looked at Leah. She pleaded with him for answers that he didn’t have. ‘‘I believe God heard, Leah. I don’t believe He rejected your prayers. Remember that even while there were times when people were protected in the Bible, there were other times when they were not. Paul went through many trials. He was stoned and thrown in jail. He was shipwrecked and beaten, yet Paul loved God and God loved Paul. And what about Job? Job was a righteous man and God allowed him to be stripped of everything but his life. And Job wished that had been taken, as well, because of his physical infirmities.’’
‘‘He promised that though God had slain him, Job would still trust Him. I remember that verse,’’ Leah said. ‘‘And I do want to trust God. I didn’t at first; I felt angry. I felt that God couldn�
�t possibly care about me anymore—that He didn’t love me. I know that’s not true, and I still love Him, but I don’t understand any of this.’’
‘‘And God has never promised us that we would understand. He has His plans, and ultimately they will deliver us into a peaceful and perfect place. But, Leah, that place isn’t here on earth.’’
She nodded. ‘‘I know. I guess that’s why I would just as soon have died.’’
Her words pierced Jacob’s heart, but he didn’t reprimand her for them. Her pain was already so great. ‘‘I don’t know if I could bear that loss,’’ he said simply.
‘‘You know, Chase was actually sorry afterward. I couldn’t believe it, but he was. He kept trying to find a way to get me to let go of my anger and absolve him of his guilt. It was almost like nothing else in his life had ever made him feel the need to make a thing right. But I couldn’t deal with him.’’
‘‘I can understand that.’’
‘‘I honestly wanted to kill him, Jacob. That really scared me. I’ve never wanted to end anyone’s life. Never. How can I be such an awful person? I left him out there to die.’’
‘‘He is already a dead man, Leah. One way or another, he will pay the price for the things he’s done.’’
‘‘Jacob, what am I going to do? When I look at Jayce, I see Chase. How will I ever be able to . . . be a wife to Jayce again? I just keep thinking of that and I can’t reconcile it. Chase didn’t just steal a part of me; he’s taken what’s most important to me. He’s taken my happiness with Jayce.’’
‘‘They might look alike, Leah, but they aren’t the same man. You know that better than anyone. Jayce has a heart that is full of love for you. You should have seen him when he realized that Chase had kidnapped you. He was a driven man. He wouldn’t rest or even consider turning back, no matter how hard things got. He loves you.’’
‘‘But once he knows the truth,’’ Leah countered, ‘‘that love may fade.’’
‘‘Then it isn’t love at all, because the Bible says that love endures all things.’’
‘‘Maybe, but I think it’s asking a lot of Jayce.’’
Jacob laughed, surprising them both. ‘‘Sorry, but I think Jayce would say that loving you is easy. I know he’ll be angered by this, but his anger won’t be directed at you.’’
‘‘I realize that. I figure his anger with Chase will be greater than ever.’’
‘‘Maybe to a point, but his real rage will be directed at himself.’’
‘‘Himself?’’ Leah shook her head. ‘‘But why? This wasn’t his fault.’’
‘‘But he will feel like it is. He’ll second-guess his decisions and choices. I know I would. He’ll think that if he’d only gone back to Last Chance with you instead of going after Chase, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. He’ll think that if he would have just told someone sooner about Chase being in Alaska, then Helaina might actually have caught him early on. He’ll have a million questions that have no answers, and all of them will point to his failing you. You have to be ready for that.’’
‘‘But he didn’t fail me.’’
‘‘You don’t need to convince me, Leah. You’ll need to convince Jayce.’’
The next morning Jacob found a moment to be alone with Helaina. ‘‘I want to talk to you.’’
‘‘Good. Have you thought about getting me to Seward?’’ Her expression was hopeful and her tone excited.
‘‘I have considered it,’’ Jacob began, ‘‘but the answer is no. It would be a very dangerous and expensive trip to make.’’
‘‘But I have plenty of money.’’
Jacob smiled. ‘‘That still leaves it dangerous, and I doubt you have any tricks in your bag that would prevent that.’’
‘‘But you know this land and the people. I trust you. I believe you could get us through without any mishaps.’’
Jacob looked back at the camp. He had purposefully asked Helaina to walk with him to get away from the others. Now as they readied the dogs and sleds, Jacob knew he couldn’t waste time.
‘‘I appreciate your trust in me. I’m honored that you think so highly of my skills and abilities. But that belief won’t keep things from happening to us. You know how difficult this trip has been, and John has known the people and most of the terrain. Yet still some of the men have suffered injuries, and you are fighting to recover from pneumonia. Leah had to shoot a bear. There are just too many unknown factors.’’
‘‘So don’t take me to Seward. Help me instead.’’
‘‘Help you?’’ He knew what she would say, but he couldn’t help but ask the question.
‘‘Help me capture Chase. I’ll pay you. You can hire other men to help us. We can get supplies and head back to where we left him. Surely there’s a good enough tracker among you all that he could pick up the trail again.’’
‘‘Helaina, you need to let this go. You can’t continue like this.’’ He looked at her and saw the set of her jaw. She was in no mood to hear him out—at least not on this subject. Jacob let his gaze travel to her lips. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Kiss her and make her think about something other than Chase Kincaid.
‘‘Jacob, I’ll pay you whatever you want. I have more than enough money.’’
‘‘Helaina, this isn’t about money. It’s about the fact that I care about you. I care too much to be the one to help you risk your life. I care too much to help you continue this unhealthy obsession to find Chase Kincaid. I won’t do it. Not for ten dollars or ten thousand.’’ He left her to contemplate his words and walked back to the sled.
Helaina stood frozen in place as Jacob walked away. Normally she would have gone after him and tried to argue her point, but given what he had said about caring about her, Helaina found it impossible to move. What did he mean by those words?
She watched him speak to Leah and then go to check out the lines on his dog team. He was a handsome man. She’d conceded that some time ago. And she had to admit that no one had ever taken as much time to reach through her façade of self-sufficiency.
She heard the words in her head. ‘‘It’s about the fact that I care about you.’’
She shook her head in confused disbelief. ‘‘But what did he mean?’’
Chapter Twenty
Leah felt exhilarated at the thought that they would arrive home that evening. John and Jacob had discussed their location and felt confident that if they didn’t stop too long for rests, they could have the group home not long after nightfall. The very idea appealed to Leah in a way she couldn’t explain. It seemed like she had been on this journey forever instead of just weeks. She supposed it was due to having been gone all summer, only to return and be forced onto the trail by Chase. It really had been months since she’d been able to just sit down and work on her sewing and enjoy the sights and sounds of her own little house. Now it was nearing December, and she longed only for the peace and comfort of Last Chance. She wanted to celebrate Christmas with Emma and Ayoona, and she desperately wanted to feel the peace that she’d once known.
Feeling rather useless with the packing done, Leah walked away from the camp just far enough to crest a small hill. She looked over the frozen valley and sighed. Alaska was a beautiful and diverse territory. She thought of growing up near Ketchikan. The thick forests and large amounts of rain left the area lush and green. The temperatures were mild year-round compared to other parts of the territory. Their gardens grew delicious vegetables and the fruit bushes were plentiful with salmonberries, raspberries, blueberries, and many others. It was there among the Tlingit people that Leah had learned about healing herbs and how to treat wounds.
She had also lived in Skagway and Dyea, farther up the inside passage. The pines and spruce were plentiful there and the mountains were impressive. Going north into Canada had been such a great adventure for a little girl. Leah had been a young teenager when she’d experienced the gold fever. Living in Dawson had taught her the dangers of con men and greed, but it had a
lso shown her what wealth could buy.
Leah had experienced much in her life, but this trip had taken the biggest toll. Now all she longed for was the refuge of home and her friends. She missed Ayoona and Oopick and Emma. She wondered how the village children were doing—if they were studying hard and getting excited about Christmas. Emma and Bjorn always made Christmas such a special time.
Leaving her solitude, Leah slowly walked back to the camp. She heard Helaina’s voice on the other side of the tent and stopped in her tracks.
‘‘I need to know what you meant when you said you cared about me.’’
Leah bit her lower lip to keep quiet. She knew Helaina was talking to Jacob. The poor man. How could he have just opened his heart up to tell her that he cared?
‘‘What do you suppose it means, Helaina? I care about you. I’ve come to care a lot about your well-being, both physically and spiritually. I want to see you happy. I want you to know the peace that comes in trusting God to watch over you and to lead you. I want you to believe in something bigger than yourself, because I know from experience that when the world is crashing down around you, you need something bigger.’’
‘‘So this is just about preaching to me? You care, but only about my soul?’’
Leah wanted to step in and declare that this was indeed the only interest Jacob had, and then steal her brother away before he could open his mouth.
‘‘I care about you, Helaina, but that’s all I can do so long as you put this wall between us.’’
Leah had no desire to listen anymore. She walked away, hoping that Jacob would not hear her footsteps. She pitied her brother for having given his heart to a woman who despised his faith. She pitied Jacob for the pain she knew he would endure when Helaina refused to give up her battle for Chase.
‘‘Oh, God,’’ she prayed softly, ‘‘he needs you so much. Please keep him from the misery that will no doubt follow him so long as Helaina’s involved.’’
Jayce had done his best to secure a grave for Chase. The ground was frozen solid, but by using a series of fires to thaw the earth, he’d managed to dig down a short way into the ground. After placing Chase in this shallow grave, Jayce went to work finding rocks to stack on top of the body. He could only hope and pray that the animals wouldn’t dig up his brother’s remains.
Under the Northern Lights Page 18
