On my own, I’m not sure. I just feel like I need time. Time to better understand and learn. I know I can do that in Last Chance. Spending these last couple of days on my own, I’ve found myself with questions that have no answers. I look in the Bible, but I don’t know how to really understand what I’m reading.’’
‘‘There are churches here. Pastors can help you to better understand Scripture,’’ he countered.
‘‘I don’t know these people. I don’t trust them. Please, Jacob.’’
He knew he was losing this argument rather rapidly. It felt like the time he had slid down the embankment of the creek and broke through the ice. He was not on a firm foundation. ‘‘Life isn’t easy in Last Chance. You know how it is there.’’
She looked up again and nodded. ‘‘I do, and I don’t mind. Please take me home . . . with you.’’
He knew she wasn’t asking him this to help with any job or obsession as she had before. At least he couldn’t imagine what obsession it might be, if she were actually using him in that manner. He knew he couldn’t refuse her.
‘‘All right,’’ he finally said. ‘‘I’m not sure it’s wise, but I’ll take you back to Last Chance.’’
She smiled and it lit up her whole face. ‘‘I promise you won’t be sorry.’’
Jacob sighed. I already am. But of course, he couldn’t tell her that.
Chapter Twenty-five
Winter passed with Helaina actually enjoying her life at the Kjellmann residence. She enjoyed talking with Emma and Bjorn over supper each night and found they generally had answers for her questions. The idea of trusting God didn’t seem nearly as foreign to her now. Emma had been good to point out that learning to believe God to be who He claimed to be would come first through faith, and second by letting God prove himself day to day.
‘‘It’s no different than learning to trust the man you will marry. Think back to when you met your husband,’’ Emma had told her.
Helaina had done just that. The memory of that developing relationship helped her to understand that learning to love and trust God was no different. She couldn’t love and trust someone she didn’t know—so she made it her priority to get to know God as well as she could.
Night after night she spent time studying the Bible. With Jacob gone so much, she really had little else to hold her attention. Bjorn led his family in daily devotions, so Helaina used these to be the basis for her studies. That way it was easy to ask Bjorn questions regarding the matter.
Sunday services were another place Helaina thrived. She learned rather quickly that it wasn’t just about coming to a place to hear the Bible preached; there was much more. Why she’d never seen it until now was beyond her, but attending church seemed to be like a special refreshment. Maybe it was just because they were so isolated and there was nothing else to do, but Helaina seriously doubted that was all there was to it.
Week after week, Helaina found herself looking forward to the gathering. She longed to be with the people—to sing hymns and to hear Bjorn teach on the Bible. She would never have thought it possible to enjoy church as much as she did now.
June brought the excitement of spring breakup. The villagers were eager for true Alaskan summer, as they knew it, to begin. Helaina, however, dreaded it. Breakup meant the ships would return and the Kjellmanns would head south to visit their family.
Helaina would have no choice but to go with them.
It was hard not to be discouraged by this thought. After all, Helaina had hoped to spend the winter getting to know Jacob better, but he’d seldom been in the village. Leah had said he was busy trapping and working with his dogs, but Helaina began to worry that he was merely avoiding her. But why? He’d said that he cared. Didn’t he want to know her better—maybe even consider a future together?
‘‘There’s so much to do before we go,’’ Emma said, rushing around the little house while Helaina cleaned up after breakfast. ‘‘I can’t believe we’ll leave in just a few weeks or that Sigrid will soon be here.’’
Helaina nodded and dried the last of the dishes. ‘‘I can’t believe the time has already come. It really didn’t seem that winter was all that long.’’
‘‘This wasn’t a bad winter. Even if it started early, it didn’t torment us as some have,’’ Emma said.
‘‘I think the church services and parties helped too,’’ Helaina said with a smile. There had been several celebrations throughout the dark, lonely months. Emma had told her that these were purposeful parties meant to keep spirits up and prevent the people from becoming too bored.
‘‘Oh, ja. The gatherings are always good. Otherwise we tend to spend too much time thinking of ourselves. When that happens, things can get dangerous. I remember one time right after we came here there was a murder. A man had slept with another man’s wife, and when her husband returned from hunting and learned what had happened, he grabbed up his gear and went hunting after the man who’d defiled his marriage bed.’’
‘‘But what of the woman?’’ Leah asked. ‘‘Did he also kill her?’’
‘‘No, but he might have if he wasn’t caught first. He killed the man and then some of the villagers found him. They took him to the legal authorities, and he was eventually executed. Bjorn said that we would work to keep the people busy with other things so that they wouldn’t turn to such mischief. But you know, people are people. They will do as they please.’’
‘‘I think you’ve done a good job. Especially having monthly parties to celebrate all the birthdays that fall during that time. That has been great fun.’’
‘‘We do what we can.’’
She seemed to be searching for something, so Helaina dried her hands and came to help. ‘‘Have you lost something?’’
Emma held up one of the boys’ socks. ‘‘The mate for this. I’m afraid Bryce is still very bad about picking up after himself. He tries, but boys are boys. My mother often said of my brothers that they knew the clothes hamper only as an obstacle to leapfrog over.’’
Helaina laughed and helped in the search. ‘‘I can well imagine. My brother, Stanley, was none too neat himself. My mother was particularly grieved by the way he would manage to completely ruin his clothes with his rough games. I was, on the other hand, her china doll. She loved to dress me in frilly clothes and have my hair curled. Which,’’ she added, touching several straight strands, ‘‘was no easy feat.’’
‘‘I’m looking forward to having my mother and sisters fuss over Rachel that way. It will do me little good to buy her all manner of frippery. Can you see her dressed in ruffles to run across the tundra?’’
Shaking her head, Helaina felt almost sad. Hadn’t this been something she’d thought of in regard to herself? She missed her finery. She missed dressing up for parties and being the belle of the ball.
They soon discovered the missing sock under Bjorn’s favorite chair. ‘‘Here it is,’’ Helaina said, holding it up. ‘‘The sock also has a friend.’’ She pulled out one of Rachel’s tiny shoes.
‘‘Oh, but I had given up hope of finding that. I thought I’d lost it somewhere outside.’’ Emma laughed as she took both items. ‘‘The lost has been found. Always a good thing to declare in a preacher’s home.’’
Helaina straightened up the living room as Emma bustled in and out, her arms always filled with a variety of things. ‘‘We won’t take all that much,’’ she declared at one point, ‘‘because we always bring so many things back with us. Still, I must have clothes for the children.’’
Helaina nodded, her thoughts filled with images of stores and establishments in New York. She tried to think of what it would be like to remain in Alaska and never have easy access to shopping and the latest fashions.
But even as these thoughts crossed her mind, she looked at her own outfit. She wore sealskin pants under one of her old skirts. Her blouse was very worn and could hardly be considered fashionable as it might have been just the year before. But here in Alaska function and practicality
always won out over decorative style.
Helaina had to admit there was a part of her that was homesick. She longed to relax in her bedroom suite. The room itself was larger than Emma’s house. The fireplace alone would take up the space held by Emma’s entire kitchen.
Helaina began to prepare tubs with hot water for the wash, yet her thoughts continued to return to New York. She really did miss it. She longed for a thick beefsteak and fresh vegetables. The thought of wearing silk again nearly drove her mad. There were so many things she desired. But even as she thought of these, Jacob’s image filled her thoughts. She desired him, as well, but there seemed to be little hope of resolving that problem.
The more she thought about it, the more Helaina needed an answer. Jacob was due back any time now, but it wouldn’t be for long. Leah had mentioned on more than one occasion that her brother had made up his mind to honor his commitment to Captain Latimore. He would head north when the good captain came with his ship. Helaina had contemplated imposing herself on the trip. Perhaps if she reminded Captain Latimore that she was to have been assistant to the map maker, she, too, might gain passage on the Homestead.
There simply seemed no easy answers. If she went north with the men, she’d never make it back to New York this year. Despair dogged her every step. There was no way to resolve the matter without the need to forsake something she loved.
Why does this have to be so hard?
Leah moved slowly around the house. Advanced in her pregnancy, Leah felt more confident than ever that the baby must be Jayce’s child. Just the fact that she was already showing signs of being ready to give birth made this even more certain. By her best calculations, if she’d gotten pregnant on her wedding night, the baby would be due in late June or early July.
Throughout the winter Leah had worked to ready her life and her home for the arrival of this new life. She and Jayce both agreed the house was not big enough for their family, so plans were in the works to build a new house and leave this one to Jacob.
‘‘I’ve got the money,’’ Jayce had told her. ‘‘We might as well use it for our own comfort.’’ And with that he’d accompanied Jacob to Nome to place an order for supplies.
But Leah wasn’t sure that Jayce could be totally happy in Last Chance. There wasn’t much in the way that he could do to gainfully employ himself, and while he had money in the bank from his inheritance, they certainly couldn’t live off of it the rest of their lives.
It troubled Leah, for she knew in her heart that a man needed to have a job that he could call his own. Thoughts of having to move from Last Chance to live in Nome or one of the larger Alaska settlements like Sitka or Seward tormented Leah. She would miss the people in Last Chance, but worse yet, she would miss Alaska if Jayce decided there was no other answer but to move away.
Another troubling thought was how to help Jacob deal with the loss of Helaina Beecham. He’d been gone a great deal throughout the winter, but as he’d told Leah on his last trip home, now nearly a month past, he always knew Helaina would be waiting here and that comforted his heart. But soon she would go back to New York, and Jacob would have to face the fact that she would never come back.
‘‘He can’t live there and she can’t live here,’’ Leah said sadly.
Leah had never seen Helaina as an ideal woman to be Jacob’s wife anyway. Helaina was so willful and headstrong, although that had been tempered by her spiritual growth. Still, Helaina was used to having things her way and living a life of luxury. She was a wealthy widow with a home in both New York and in Washington, D.C. Neither place could Jacob ever call home.
‘‘It seems we are all in a dilemma regarding our home,’’ she told herself. She glanced around at her meager surroundings and realized that deep in her heart, she did want more. She wanted a regular house and a yard where her children could play and have adventures. Of course, the Alaskan wilderness provided the biggest yard of all, but Leah knew the dangers there. Only last week one of the village children had gone wandering off, not to be seen again. The family was still out searching for the three-year-old, but there wasn’t much hope of finding him alive. That sorrowed
Leah deeply, for the family, like all families in Last Chance, was precious to her.
‘‘Leah, are you here?’’ Helaina called from the outside door.
‘‘I’m in the main room,’’ Leah replied.
Helaina came through the hall and lifted the fur that divided the room from the rest of the house. ‘‘Do you have time for a chat?’’
Leah nodded. ‘‘I was just getting ready to sew more clothes for the baby.’’ She patted her belly. ‘‘It won’t be long now.’’
‘‘I know. It’s all so very exciting. I’m hoping you’ll have the baby before I . . . leave.’’ Helaina frowned and took a seat at the table. ‘‘That’s what I want to talk to you about.’’
Leah brought her sewing basket and awkwardly lowered herself to the chair. ‘‘About leaving?’’
Helaina seemed to consider her words for a moment. To Leah she seemed quite troubled. ‘‘Yes. About leaving and about Jacob.’’
‘‘What about Jacob?’’
‘‘Leah, I’m in love with your brother. I know that sounds ridiculous.’’ ‘‘Why? Why should it sound ridiculous for someone to fall in love with Jacob? He’s a wonderful man.’’
‘‘He is,’’ she said, leaning forward. ‘‘He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He’s smart and trustworthy too. He never fails to amaze me with his knowledge.’’
Leah smiled. ‘‘He is quite incredible. He’s taught me a great deal. He tried so hard to be both father and mother to me, but as I told him long ago, I preferred he just be my brother, for that was what I needed from him most.’’
Leah picked up a small gown and began to work on the hem. ‘‘But I’m sure,’’ she added, ‘‘that you did not come here to hear stories of brothers and sisters. Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?’’
‘‘Well, as you know the breakup has started, and the ships will soon arrive.’’
‘‘Yes. We can expect the first ones within the next couple of weeks. Everyone always gets so anxious for that first ship,’’ Leah said with a grin. The memories of nearly a dozen years flooded her mind. Even the natives had come to appreciate the appearance of the revenue cutters.
‘‘Well, I’m not anticipating it like I thought I would. Truth be told, I’m quite torn about leaving.’’
‘‘Because of Jacob?’’ Leah asked.
Helaina nodded and looked at the table. ‘‘I long for my home in New York. I sometimes miss it so much that it’s all I can think about. But then I think of Jacob, and I know that leaving him will hurt me . . . maybe more than I can bear.’’ She got up and began to pace. ‘‘I never planned to fall in love again. Robert was everything to me. To my way of thinking, he was perfect. But now I believe Jacob is perfect, and strangely enough, the two men are nothing alike.’’
‘‘Jacob is far from perfect, and it’s never good for a woman to consider a man in that light. We are all human, Helaina. We will disappoint each other at some point. If you put my brother on a pedestal, he will fall off of it.’’
‘‘I know that. I know he’s just a man, but he’s the man I’ve grown to love. I know you can’t understand my point, but when Robert died, a part of my heart died too. I became guarded and protective of myself. I had so many men come calling—all wanting to be my suitor. Most were more interested in courting my bankbooks than me, but all were ever so concerned with my being left a widow.’’ She gave Leah a bittersweet smile. ‘‘See, I’d not only inherited Robert’s money, but Stanley and I split a huge estate left by my parents.’’
‘‘I knew you were quite wealthy simply by the way you were able to afford outfitting the Homestead last fall before we returned to Nome.’’
‘‘Money has never been a problem. The problem is my heart. I want to stay with Jacob. I want him to fall as deeply in love with me as I am with hi
m, but I know he loves Alaska.’’
‘‘And he won’t leave,’’ Leah said, knowing her brother’s thoughts on the matter. ‘‘He might relocate to other parts of the territory, but he won’t go back to the States. You might as well know that.’’
‘‘I do,’’ Helaina replied sadly. ‘‘I suppose that’s why I’m here.’’
‘‘I don’t understand. Do you want me to convince him to go?’’ Leah put down her sewing. ‘‘Because I won’t do that.’’
‘‘No.’’ Helaina shook her head and retook her seat. ‘‘You misunderstand me. I suppose I just need . . . well . . . I guess I don’t know what I need.’’ She sighed.
Leah felt the woman’s sorrow. There were no easy answers for her in this matter; Leah had already contemplated the situation many times. ‘‘Helaina, at first I really didn’t want you having any part of Jacob’s life. You were troublesome to me because of your job and your focus on justice at any price. Now, however, you’ve really changed as you’ve gotten to know the truth of God’s Word. Your heart is completely different.’’
‘‘But you still don’t like the fact that I’m in love with your brother.’’
‘‘It isn’t that,’’ Leah said, meeting Helaina’s intense stare. ‘‘It’s that I know Jacob will never leave Alaska, and you seem just as unwilling to leave New York and your old world behind. Jacob would never fit into that world. You need to know that. He would never be comfortable in the city. He hated Seattle and seldom ventured from the house where we stayed. He hates the noise and the traffic—you surely remember that.’’
‘‘I do,’’ she said in a barely audible voice.
‘‘He’s not going to suddenly change and love it all as you do.’’
‘‘So what you’re saying to me is that I must either give up New York and my life as I knew it, or I must give up Jacob.’’
Leah nodded. ‘‘I see no other alternative.’’
‘‘But if Jacob loves me . . .’’ She paused and looked away. ‘‘Wouldn’t he at least be willing to try?’’
Under the Northern Lights Page 24
