Back in the Soldier's Bed

by Donna Alward

  Shannyn’s heart sank. He was right. Now that he knew about Emma, she had no basis of keeping him from her. Legally, she had no reason to deny him visitation. All she had were her own reservations which would matter very little in the overall scheme of things if he pressed his case. She decided to appeal to whatever sense of fatherly concern he might possess.

  “I don’t want her upset.”

  He put his hand into his trousers pocket and tilted his head, watching her closely. “Neither do I. I’m willing to let you name the terms of how this is facilitated. Within reason.”

  “You are?” It was the last thing she’d expected from him, and she couldn’t keep the surprise from her voice.

  “You can tell her about me by yourself, if you wish. And we’ll meet wherever you think she’ll be most comfortable.” He balanced his weight on one leg and smiled thinly, a smile that seemed forced and manufactured for the moment.

  “Thank you,” Shannyn breathed with relief.

  “I don’t have any desire to traumatize her, Shannyn.” His jaw softened slightly. “I’m not in the habit of terrorizing children.”

  “Of course not.” She dropped her eyes. After the initial blow-out, he was suddenly being remarkably reasonable. Appealing to him from Emma’s point of view had been the right course. He was exerting his rights, but at least he wasn’t blind to how this would affect Emma, not only himself.

  “You have the weekend.” He straightened, putting his weight equally over his feet once more. “I’ll be in touch Monday, and we’ll talk then about how to move forward.”

  Okay, scratch that. She met his gaze again and clenched her fingers. He was making it sound now like a business transaction, or an assignment.

  “For someone who says I can handle this how I want, you’re being awfully dictatorial. It’s not some battle plan you’ve concocted.”

  “I just want to make sure you don’t drag this out. It’s been six years. I think I have a right to have doubts about your…expediency.”

  Shannyn felt like they were right back to the beginning of the argument again, and she didn’t want to rehash everything that had been said—and unsaid.

  “Fine. But just so you know?” She lifted her chin. “Bossing me around really isn’t going to help your case any.”

  Jonas stared down into her eyes and she struggled not to feel intimidated. In front of her now was a man accustomed to getting what he wanted. One who gave orders and had them followed. One way or another. But she was going to do this on her terms. It didn’t matter what it took, she’d go toe to toe with him, for Emma’s sake. Protecting herself right now came second to making sure Emma remained unhurt through everything.

  She got the feeling the battle was going to be draining. In more ways than one.

  “The weekend, Shannyn.” The words were softly spoken but she was left in no doubt of their sincerity. “I’ll be in touch on Monday.”

  He spun on his heel and walked away, his gait lopsided from his injury.

  Shannyn went back to the bench and sat down heavily. How on earth was she going to find the words to tell her baby that she had a daddy after all?

  She chose the backyard because that was the place Emma was most comfortable and happy. They didn’t have a huge yard, but what they did have was lush with green grass and a perfect place to play. A white fence separated them from the neighbours and in one corner, Shannyn had put a small flower bed and herb garden, as well as Emma’s outdoor toys and a playhouse.

  Today Shannyn felt the need to be outside in the fresh air, not cooped up in a room where she found it hard to breathe. Every time she thought of how she’d say the words to Emma, her heart faltered. In her mind she’d gone over and over what sorts of questions Emma might have, and how she’d answer them so a five-year old would understand. She’d thought about it so much that here it was Sunday afternoon and still she hadn’t done it.

  But Jonas would call tomorrow. She was sure of it. And if she hadn’t told Emma by the time he did, she knew Jonas would make things very difficult.

  “Honey, you want a popsicle?” Shannyn called out to Emma who was pumping her legs and swinging on the second-hand swing set Shannyn had bought at a yard sale last spring.

  “Okay.” The legs stopped pumping and the swing slowed until Emma popped off and landed on the grass.

  It felt more like August than June today. Mellow warmth soaked through Shannyn’s T-shirt and heated her legs. It was the kind of day that made her wish she were out boating on the river or lying on the beach at the lake. For a minute she got caught in memories of Jonas, a Jonas who was less jaded and more carefree, squidging his toes in the sand at the beach as she lay in his arms. Those days had been so wonderful. She’d felt…loved. Cherished. And the sex…it had been amazing. Jonas had been an attentive and generous lover.

  But that didn’t matter anymore. The reality was that she was supposed to be having a life-altering discussion with her baby, who wasn’t so much of a baby anymore.

  She handed over the popsicle and patted the seat of the picnic table.

  Emma hopped up and Shannyn smiled down at her dark head as she licked the popsicle. Everything she’d done in these past years had been for Emma, to give her the kind of life every child deserved. One filled with love and fun and most of all, stability. Different from the one she’d had. Her number one priority had been to protect Emma. To do what she thought was best. Now she had to undo everything with a simple conversation and turn her little girl’s life upside down.

  How did she even begin?

  Emma slurped happily at her popsicle. Shannyn realized that the abbreviated version of things she’d given Emma hadn’t been enough. She hadn’t said anything at all until Emma started pre-school and started noticing her friends had mommies and daddies. Or that they lived with their mommy and saw their daddies on weekends. When the question arose, she had given Emma the short version. That her daddy didn’t know that she was born and that Shannyn didn’t know where he was right now. And then she’d reinforced how happy and good their life was. It had never been her intention that Emma would find her life lacking in any way. And Emma had accepted her answers like any young child would. With trust.

  How could she now explain that her father was here and wanted to see her? In her heart, Shannyn knew he would leave again. Maybe not next week or next month, but eventually he would leave, and Emma would be fatherless again. How was that fair? She put her hand on Emma’s curls, feeling the warmth radiating from her scalp. Every single decision she had made had been to protect Emma from upheaval. She’d been so afraid and uncertain she’d tried to play it safe. What a mess she’d made of it now.

  “Mama? Can I play on the slide now?”

  Shannyn looked into her daughters eyes. They were so like Jonas’s and since seeing him again, seemed even more so. Being with him, even through their arguments, only served to remind her how much she’d invested in him so long ago. And how much she’d invested in their daughter in the years since.

  In the end she couldn’t give the words voice. “Yes, you go play, honey.” She took the empty popsicle stick from Emma’s sticky hands and kissed her cheek. Emma went back to playing and Shannyn watched from the table. And for the first time since she’d found out she was pregnant, she really had no idea what she was going to do.

  “What time’s your lunch?”

  Shannyn knew the voice even though the words were clipped and economical. He didn’t waste any time. Nine-fifteen and he was calling already.

  “I get a break from twelve until one.”

  “Meet me at the lighthouse at noon.”

  “But Jonas…I…”

  She heard loud noises slamming in the background as he cut her off. “I’ve got to go now, but twelve o’clock at the lighthouse.” Shannyn heard a voice shout presumably behind him somewhere before the line went dead.

  Her hands trembled, not with fear but with anger. He said he was going to let her handle this, but all he did was make dem
ands left and right. When to tell Emma. When to meet. She should ignore his missive and stay right where she was. But that meant he might come to the office and confront her there, and a public scene was unacceptable for their clients. Damn him for putting her in such a position.

  He was expecting her to tell him that Emma knew about him and plan the next step. It would have been easier to tell him over the phone and not face to face. There was no way she could explain it so that he would understand, but she was going to have to try.

  She was waiting outside the white and red structure, looking over the water when he stepped up behind her.

  “We’re in for some showers.”

  She turned and caught her breath.

  He was wearing his uniform trousers, but his blouse was missing and he stood before her in an army-issue T-shirt. And oh, he filled out every cotton inch. Flat where everything should be flat, a wide chest and broad shoulders that led to arms with muscles that dipped and curved. His boots made his six-foot-plus frame even more towering. His size made him more attractive to her, not less. She wished she didn’t find him attractive at all. All that lean fitness, paired with his handsome, if uncompromising, face, was a tempting combination. Not tempting enough to make her forget how he’d hurt her, though. Thankfully his interest at the moment was focused on Emma and not her. One complication was enough.

  She swallowed, chilled by the sudden puff of cool air preceding the dark cloud coming down the river. Goosebumps shivered up her arms and she folded them around herself as thunder rumbled low, still miles away. Even though the sky directly above was blue, the water seemed discolored and white caps dotted the surface.

  “Yes, it looks that way,” she managed to reply.

  He held out a brown paper bag. “I know I interrupted your lunch break, so I grabbed something on the way.”

  Shannyn stared at the bag, recognizing the familiar logo. “You didn’t.”

  A smile crept up his cheek and she realized it was the first time he’d really smiled at her, a smile that connected. It moved from his lips and thawed the ice in his eyes as he admitted, “Of course I did. You can’t get a hamburger like this overseas, heck, not even in Edmonton. And I brought lots of napkins.” He held out his other hand, revealing the white stack.

  He led her up the steps to one of the benches that lined the perimeter of the lighthouse, reaching into the bag and handing her the foil-wrapped sandwich. “I got extra cheese on yours.”

  Shannyn smiled back, secretly pleased that he remembered another one of her favourites. She hadn’t had one in ages. “I suppose you got double pickles on yours,” she teased. Sliding the foil pocket back slightly, she took a first bite and sighed in appreciation at the juicy beef and tang of the condiments.

  “Mmm.” She let the sound vibrate through her lips as she swallowed and put the sandwich down on her lap. “I haven’t had one of these in a long time.”

  “We used to eat a lot of them, way back when.”

  She used her napkin to dab at her lips; it was tasty but messy business. She wrinkled her eyebrows, surprised he made such a casual reference to their past after the resentful tone of their last meeting. For a brief moment as their eyes caught and held, she got that tumbling in her stomach, a lifting and turning that she’d almost forgotten. Perhaps it was brought on by nostalgia of what had been, but not completely. Part of it was a pull to the man beside her now. Tall and strong and more than a little enigmatic. A man who made her wonder what was simmering underneath. That was not good news at all. Attraction would certainly complicate a messy situation even further.

  “Yes, we did,” she answered, the words coming out slightly breathy.

  “It was a good summer.”

  That summer had changed her life. And not just because she’d gotten pregnant. But because it was the first—and only—time she’d been in love.

  They’d met through mutual friends at an outdoor concert in Officer’s Square. Right away she’d been attracted to the lean, dark-haired stranger who seemed to have so much energy.

  They’d started dating and things had progressed rapidly. It had been whirlwind, magical.

  But the young man who had captivated her heart, had enjoyed life and made her laugh, was gone. She supposed they’d both grown up. But his smile and the brief memory took her back. Made her wonder what it would take to bring that smile back again and again.

  She watched him as they ate for a few minutes in silence. He was more relaxed right now. Perhaps it would be a good time to get some answers to her questions. And not for Emma. For herself. She wanted to know what had happened in the intervening years. What made him tick. When her curiosity got the better of her, she asked the question that had been plaguing her.

  “What have you been doing the last six years?”

  His chewing slowed. He looked away as he admitted, “I made Special Forces, as you know. I was there until nearly a year ago.”

  “Where were you stationed?”

  “I moved around a lot. Wherever I was needed.”

  “You won’t tell me.”

  He looked back at her then and she realized the soldier was once again in control. “I can’t tell you. Sometimes I was sent with a regular recce platoon.”

  He saw her confusion and elaborated. “Reconnaissance. We’d offer support to operations, that sort of thing. Other times…” He paused, his gaze slipping from hers again. “It doesn’t matter now anyway. Those days are gone.”

  Shannyn folded her hands and watched his head turn away from her. She got the feeling it mattered a great deal. “It changed you, Jonas.”

  “Being in combat changes everyone.” He still refused to look at her, instead appeared to be people-watching.

  She didn’t know why he felt the need to generalize everything so much. “I’m sure it does. But I’m interested in how it changed you.”

  “Why?”

  Ah, a question with several answers, some she’d acknowledge, some she wouldn’t. She picked the only one that was relevant. “Because you are Emma’s father.”

  Whatever was left of his lunch he wrapped up and put back in the bag.

  “Whatever I thought I knew that summer, I was wrong.”

  “Wrong how?”

  He balled up the bag and got up, taking a small hop on his good leg to right himself before depositing everything in the trash can. “I was full of myself and what I was going to do. I was indestructible. I thought I knew everything.” He sighed heavily. “And I really had no idea.”

  “So you got hardened.” Shannyn held her breath waiting for his response. She could sense his stubborn withdrawal and couldn’t help but see the resemblance between him and Emma, especially now when he seemed so unhappy. His lips seemed fuller; the bow shape of his mouth so much like her daughter when she’d had a rough day at school or got over-tired. He’d passed on his fair share of traits whether he knew it or not, and it drew her to him. How could she hate the man who had given her such a precious gift?

  When his answer came it was not what she expected.

  “I know I’ve probably seemed hard and demanding. I’m sorry. I’ve lived in a world where you give and receive orders.”

  The small confession touched her. “You don’t smile anymore. Or at least not like you used to.”

  His eyes pierced her, and she wondered if he was trying to dissect her mind.

  “You’ve changed too. You’re cautious. Reserved. And for what it’s worth, you don’t smile much either.”

  “Maybe we just don’t smile at each other.” It was out before she could think about taking it back and she bit her lip.

  “Perhaps we should try.” He sat down again at the table. “I’m trying to look past my resentment toward you for lying to me. For Emma’s sake. What did she say when you told her?”

  Another gust of cold air hit them and Shannyn brushed a piece of her hair away from her face, lowering her eyes. The thunder that had been creeping up the river rumbled closer, and the first lightning p
ierced the grey sky.

  “I didn’t tell her.”

  “You what?”

  His earlier geniality evaporated. The hard edge of his voice was matched only by the thunder that boomed. The first cold droplets hit her skin and Shannyn looked at the path of the storm. She could only see perhaps half a kilometer away; farther than that was a gray curtain of rain.

  “We’ve got to get inside,” she exclaimed, thankful for the temporary diversion.

  Everyone who’d been outdoors was suddenly scrambling for shelter. The lighthouse, really a museum, was already filling up with tourists. “My truck’s parked on the street. We can make it if we run.”

  Heavy drops of rain marked the path as they jogged towards his pickup. Jonas reached the vehicle first and unlocked her door before running around the hood to the driver’s side and clambering in just as the skies opened up.

  For a few seconds the only sound was the drumming of rain on the roof of the truck and their heavy breathing.

  Jonas rested his hands on the wheel, picking up the conversation where it had left off, much to her dismay.

  “You didn’t tell her. We agreed.”

  “No, you demanded. You said I could do this my way and then you ordered me about like one of your privates. Which I am not.”

  “Fuck.” His fingers gripped the wheel until his knuckles turned white.

  Shannyn straightened her back and half-turned on the seat. “I’m not in your command. I’m the mother of your child and perhaps you should remember that.”

  “You’re right. How could I possibly forget something that has happened so recently.”

  Embarrassment bloomed in her cheeks at the acid in his tone. He was never going to let her forget this. “Look. I tried, I really did. But I just didn’t know how to tell her. How to answer the questions she’s sure to have. Can’t you understand that?”

  “You had no trouble with the decision not to tell me. What have you told her about her father, anyway?”

  Shannyn looked at the windshield but saw nothing but water streaming down the glass. “I told her you didn’t know that she was born and that I didn’t know where you were.”