Back in the Soldier's Bed

by Donna Alward

  She felt his eyes on her, condemning.

  “Now that was a bit of a lie, wasn’t it? Because you could have found me quite easily if you’d tried.”

  “Does it really matter now?” She sighed. “There is no point belaboring what has or hasn’t been done.”

  “Convenient for you.”

  Shannyn snapped her head around at the arrogance of his tone. “I beg your pardon, for trying to find the best way to tell our daughter that you are here now! For trying to find the way to explain things that will cause the least hurt and confusion. She’s five, Jonas. Five! If I need an extra day or two to do that, then you’re going to have to deal with it! What if she asks why you left in the first place? Why you didn’t care enough to stay? What am I supposed to tell her then? That your precious army was more important than we were?”

  Her lower lip trembled slightly as emotion overwhelmed her. Her cheeks flamed hotly at what she’d revealed in her outburst. It didn’t take great powers of deduction to realize that a good part of her decision had been based on her own feelings of abandonment.

  “I don’t know what you tell her,” he answered. “But you know as well as I do that your last statement isn’t quite accurate.”

  She didn’t know what he meant. Whether it was the part about the army being more important or that fact that he couldn’t have chosen the army over them because he didn’t know there was a “them.” The straightness of his body, the way his eyes blazed at her kept any thought of clarifying it at bay.

  “But I know two things,” he continued after a moment. “I know you want to be the one to tell her, and I know that you’re the one that got us into this whole situation and you are going to have to work it out.”

  “Why do you even want to be involved in her life?”

  Jonas gripped the steering wheel. Why indeed? He wasn’t happy, he knew that. He had a permanent limp, he was a single man in the military.

  But none of that mattered because he was now also a father. And surprisingly, that seemed to carry more weight than all the others. He stared at the rain streaming down the window as he answered.

  “Because I am her father. Because I missed out on her first five years. I didn’t get to see her as a baby, or watch her first steps, or hear her first words. I didn’t get to help her on the school bus on her first day of school or put a band-aid on her bumps and bruises.”

  He stopped, turned his head, and met her eyes. The aqua-blue eyes he’d once loved now didn’t understand anything about him at all. “I missed all of that, Shannyn, and I missed it because you thought it was ‘best’ not to tell me. And I’m sure about one thing. I am not going to miss out on anything more. She is my daughter. I am her father. She is a part of me whether you like it or not. And I agreed to let you tell her in your own way. I trusted you to do that. It appears I misplaced my trust.”

  Shannyn lifted her chin. “You haven’t inspired a whole lot of trust yourself, Jonas.”

  He took his hands off the wheel, turning his body so he was angled on the seat. He winced against the sudden spurt of pain in his thigh. She thought he’d betrayed her in some way when he’d left her. Maybe that was just as well. They were certainly miles apart now.

  “I will see Emma. You will tell her about me, and we will, together, come up with a time and place for me to meet her. Because if that doesn’t happen, Shannyn, you’ll force me to take legal action.”

  All the color dropped from her face and he regretted that he’d had to resort to such tactics. He wasn’t sure if he could even go through with such a thing. He knew it made him sound cold and unfeeling. And he wasn’t. The problem was he felt too much these days. Felt so much that at times it overwhelmed him. He pushed away the emotion. She was the one forcing his hand, not the other way around.

  “You wouldn’t,” she breathed.

  “I would,” he returned. “Don’t test me on this, Shannyn. I want to do this amicably. I really do. But that’s up to you now.”

  The windows had steamed up and he started the engine, cranking up the defrost button. Within seconds a circle of clear glass expanded until he could see outside. The rain was moving downriver, and he turned on the wipers, clearing off the windshield.

  “Buckle your seatbelt. I’ll drop you off at the office.”

  When he pulled in front of her building, he put the truck into park but left the engine running.

  “I’ll expect your call very soon, Shannyn. If I don’t hear from you by the end of the week, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”

  She got out and slammed the door without saying anything.

  He pulled away from the curb, heading back to base. He was determined to get to know his daughter, and he was willing to bluff about lawyers and judges to do it.

  But he hadn’t counted on how much it would hurt to see Shannyn, too.

  Chapter 5

  “Honey, remember the man at my office the other day?”

  Shannyn closed the book she’d been reading to Emma and snuggled the pajama-clad body close. She couldn’t put this off any more. She had no doubt that Jonas would find a way to see Emma, and it was her job to make sure Emma was okay with it. More than okay.

  “The tall one that looked at me funny, right?”

  “Yes, pumpkin, that man.” Shannyn wasn’t surprised Emma remembered; she had a sharp memory. “I have something to tell you.”

  Emma turned her face up at Shannyn expectantly. Shannyn didn’t know whether to smile or cry. How could she make Emma understand something that she herself did not? This perfect little face, the creamy skin of youth, devoid of lines of worry that came with age and a loss of innocence. Lines like she’d seen around the corners of her own eyes lately. She wasn’t twenty any more and this wasn’t a whirlwind romance.

  Shannyn had done everything she could to protect Emma, and yet here they were.

  “Emma, that man…” She paused, tucking Emma close. Her voice caught on the rest of the sentence. “That man is your daddy.”

  Emma pulled away slightly and her mouth opened. “My daddy?”

  Oh, honey. Shannyn took a deep breath, willing the right words to come.

  “Yes, pumpkin. He didn’t know that you were born, so seeing you…well it was a surprise to him.”

  “He didn’t know I was a baby?”

  “No, sugar. His job took him away before you were born. But” —and this was the hard part— “he wants to know you now.”

  “Mama,” Emma whispered, a smile broadening her face at the brilliant news. “I thought he forgot.”

  Shannyn wrinkled her brows. “Who forgot what, honey?”

  “Santa. Last year I asked him for a daddy but I didn’t get one and so I thought he forgot.”

  If ever there were a moment that Shannyn truly regretted what she’d done, this was it. She’d thought she’d done such a good job as a single mother but knowing that her precious baby had asked Santa Claus for a daddy broke her heart. She only hoped that somehow Jonas could live up to Emma’s expectations.

  “He wants to meet you, Emma. But I don’t want you to get your hopes up too high. Jonas doesn’t know what it’s like to be a dad, and I don’t think he’s been around kids much.” Shannyn paused, wondering what sorts of people Jonas had been around over the years. “I don’t want you to think this is going to be perfect, okay? We need to take it one day at a time.”

  But Emma was undeterred. Her eyes shone as she raised up on her knees to give Shannyn a kiss. “I can’t wait!” She beamed before falling back on the couch and hugging her arms around herself. “A mama and a daddy,” she murmured, fully pleased.

  The tears and questions Shannyn had anticipated never came, but Emma’s blatant, unvarnished enthusiasm worried her even more. What if it all went wrong? Where would Emma be then?

  Shannyn rotated her neck, trying to work out the nervous kinks that had settled there. All her careful planning, all her years of justifying her decision to herself, and it was all coming down to the next half
hour.

  She fussed with a tray on the breakfast nook. Thankfully the showers of the week before had dissipated and the skies were clear and pure. Today had been the last day of school for Emma; she’d been done at noon and Shannyn had taken the afternoon off. She was nervous enough about tonight that she wouldn’t have been able to focus at the office anyway. Jonas was due any moment. And she was going to introduce him to his daughter.

  She looked through the patio doors at their picnic table, the vinyl red tablecloth flapping gently in the light breeze. Metal clips anchored at the corners kept the cloth from blowing away. An end-of-school barbecue had seemed the best idea. There was never going to be a right or wrong time to do this. And it wasn’t just Emma she was concerned about. She’d been thinking about Jonas far too often lately, pulled into memories of that amazing summer. She was right, he was harder now, but there were still glimpses of the old Jonas in his smile and when his eyes lit up. Maybe she was nervous about him meeting Emma, but that didn’t account for all of the butterflies winging around in her stomach.

  “Mama?”

  Shannyn looked away from the window and down at Emma, dressed cutely in a denim skort and red T-shirt, her curls pulled up in a bouncy ponytail.

  “Yes, pumpkin?”

  “Does my daddy like hamburgers?”

  Shannyn’s heart caught. Emma’s wide eyes looked genuinely concerned that perhaps her new father wouldn’t like what was for dinner, and Shannyn’s returning smile was wistful as she knelt down before her.

  “Don’t you worry. Jonas” —she still couldn’t seem to bring herself to say “your daddy”— “loves burgers.” She tipped Emma’s nose with her finger. “I think he even likes pickles almost as much as you do.”

  Emma’s smile was bright as she skipped away, outside to play on her slide. Shannyn, however, couldn’t help but frown. Emma had never really known she had a daddy. She wanted to meet him. As rational as Shannyn had tried to be with her, she hadn’t been able to contain Emma’s innocent enthusiasm. She would have rather had had the questions. There was so much potential for Emma to be hurt when she had such expectations.

  “Shan?”

  She started at the sound of him calling her voice. When she spun in response, they both froze. The absurd impulse to rush forward to his arms sluiced through her. Years past they would have done just that. He would have pulled her close and kissed her, let his hands…

  But not now. It was only the surprise of his sudden appearance that made her fancy such things. Now he kept his distance, his very presence larger than life as he stood in her kitchen.

  “I knocked but no one answered. I let myself in.”

  She took a fortifying breath. She’d been so lost in her worry she hadn’t even heard him drive up. “Sorry…”

  Whatever she was going to say evaporated from her mind. Gone was the military issue clothing. In its place he’d worn jeans and a T-shirt in a gray-blue color. Out of politeness he’d removed his shoes at the front door and was in stocking feet. His hair was always the same, but the relaxed dress brought him down to a level of greater familiarity and Shannyn remembered all too vividly the times they’d spent together when he’d been out of uniform. Walking the beach, he’d dressed in board shorts and T-shirts, or going to clubs in jeans that hugged him and made every woman in the room thank the good Lord for the rear view.

  “Are you okay?”

  She tried a light laugh that came out as a nervous twitter. “I’m fine.”

  He looked down at himself and back up. He had yet to smile, and she hoped he could muster one up for Emma’s sake.

  “I thought this would be better than the uniform. More approachable.”

  He’d been right on that score. Shannyn wondered what kind of shape he’d been in before his injury, if he still remained this lean and fit now, a year later. His casual clothes did nothing but emphasize his slim hips and muscled upper body.

  “Just be careful with her,” Shannyn warned. She had to put some distance between them because seeing him in civvies was affecting her more than she liked. It was bad enough that Emma had her heart set on a new, perfect daddy. Shannyn had to be the voice of reason in all of this and couldn’t afford to lose sight of that just because simply seeing him cranked up her pulse a notch or two. In the end, it changed nothing.

  “Of course I will. I would never hurt her, Shannyn. You must know that.”

  Maybe not intentionally, Shannyn thought, but pursed her lips together.

  Jonas was nervous, Shannyn realized, seeing how stiffly he held his body. It would probably be better for everyone if they got the introductions over with and dealt with whatever came next.

  “Why don’t you get your shoes? Emma’s in the backyard, and we’ve planned a barbecue.” When he’d departed for the front door again, Shannyn pressed a hand to her belly.

  Jonas had no idea what it meant to be a father. He certainly wasn’t prepared for what Emma would throw at him. Despite Shannyn’s best efforts, Emma was expecting a ready-made, perfect dad. One that perhaps smiled once in a while. And what did Shannyn expect out of this? If it didn’t work out, she’d have to deal with Emma’s disappointment. And if it did, she’d have to deal with Jonas on a permanent basis. Neither option held a lot of appeal. Seeing him was a constant reminder of how much he’d hurt her. Of the dreams she’d had that had been crushed.

  When Jonas came back, shoes in hand, Shannyn let out a huff.

  “For God’s sake, Jonas, could you muster up a smile? You don’t need to frighten her half to death.”

  He stilled, sucking in his lips and letting them roll out again to their natural shape. She couldn’t help but watch the movement, struck by a memory of how soft, yet firm they had been years ago when he’d kissed her. When she let her gaze roam upwards, his eyes had darkened from their usual green to a deeper hazel colour.

  They only did that when he was upset, she remembered.

  “I’m sorry,” he replied gruffly. “I’m…I’m just nervous.”

  “You’re scared of a little girl.” Shannyn couldn’t help the smile that curved her lips. “You, the big bad soldier.”

  But her teasing didn’t help banish the anxiety from his face. “This is different,” he said simply.

  It made her feel a bit better. At least he wasn’t treating this cavalierly. “I’m just saying…” She tempered her sarcasm, keeping her tone even and gentle. “Emma is a very open, loving child. She’s not going to understand if you’re cold and distant.”

  Jonas stared down at Shannyn. Sometimes she seemed almost the same as she’d been…like the other day when they’d eaten lunch together. Approachable, warm. At those times, he remembered all too well what it had been like with her before. When her smile had been just for him, making him feel ten feet tall and bulletproof.

  But he knew better. At other times, like right now, he felt he didn’t know her at all. And while he wanted to meet Emma, he felt totally unequipped to handle the challenge being thrown his way—to be a happy, loving father. How was he supposed to do that when he’d all but forgotten what love felt like?

  “I don’t know what to do,” he admitted.

  Her face softened and the gentle way she laid her hand on his arm felt foreign. But good. Suddenly they were connected again, and as his eyes met hers, he was shocked to realize that he wasn’t imagining the link between them. The one that would have been there, Emma or no Emma. It almost felt…uncomplicated. But that was crazy. There were scads of complications between them. Those she knew about and those she didn’t. Hopefully never would.

  “Just say hello. Smile. Tell her you’re pleased to meet her. She’ll help you with the rest.”

  Jonas figured Shannyn knew Emma better than anyone, and he pulled away, already missing the feel of her hand on his skin. “Let’s go.” He slid his shoes on to his feet while Shannyn opened the patio doors.

  The heat hit him first, the steamy humidity of a June afternoon. Inside the cool house he’d momenta
rily forgotten how hot it was outside until the wall of it hit him. He curled his lips under, thinking for a moment how it was a very different heat from that of the Middle East.

  It was a lifetime ago; it was yesterday.

  He shook himself from his thoughts to hear her calling Emma from the swing set.

  The bundle that came running was the liveliest picture he’d seen in years. A perfect vision of life and innocence and the purity of it struck him square in the chest. She ran across the grass, a bouncing tail of curls and arms and legs that had not quite lost all their baby chubbiness, still perfect in their youth.

  His heart stopped when she smiled and called out “Daddy!” as she ran directly for him.

  He wasn’t prepared and she hit him full force in his bad leg.

  Her tiny arms were wrapped around his hips as the muscle quivered and buckled completely, taking him to his knees on the grass. Tears stung the backs of his eyes as Emma let go and stepped backward, shocked. The big, strong man brought to utter humiliation by a tiny squirt of a thing. The pain was nothing, nothing compared to the shame he felt.

  “Oh my God, Jonas, are you all right?”

  Shannyn’s worried voice reached his ears and he inhaled deeply, nodding. Emma was staring at him with something like fear and guilt paling her tiny face. When he looked up at her, she choked a little and started to run to the other side of the yard, to the pint-sized playhouse by the far fence.

  “Emma?” Shannyn started toward her daughter, but Jonas stopped her.

  “No. Let me.”

  He got to his feet, hopping a bit on his good leg so he could get steadied. Introduce himself and pleased to meet you, indeed. All the good intentions for a smooth transition were annihilated. He ignored the pain radiating from his thigh up through his groin and even to the pit of his stomach. Taking a deep breath, he made the first painful steps to making things right with his daughter.

  When he got to the playhouse, he looked inside and saw her sitting on a small bench, her knees pulled up to her chest and her delicate lips turned down in a perfectly inverted ‘u.’ Tears glimmered like emerald drops in her eyes.