Back in the Soldier's Bed

by Donna Alward

  She didn’t know what she’d said to prompt his withdrawal, but it was becoming clearer to her that there was something else going on with Jonas. Watching him disappear from the present was frightening enough. She didn’t know if he blanked out or if he actually went somewhere else. To a memory maybe, one so potent it couldn’t exist in the same space as the present. Despite her warnings to herself to stay uninvolved, it wasn’t in her not to care.

  Besides, it was in Emma’s best interest. If there were something more going on with him, she had to know. If it frightened her, she couldn’t expect a five-year old to understand.

  “Jonas. Are you all right?”

  Slowly his eyes focused on her again. “What?”

  “Where did you go just now?”

  He slid his gaze away and she knew he was evading.

  “Nowhere.”

  “Jonas.” She refused to let him turn away when he would have, and she reached up to cup his chin. “Jonas, please let me help you.”

  Green eyes settled on hers as he pulled his head away from her touch. There was something different about him just at this moment, she realized. He seemed almost vulnerable, so different from the aloof hostility he normally used to armor himself. Perhaps now she’d be able to take advantage of a window of opportunity. Gain some understanding of what was really going on with him.

  “You don’t want to help me, Shan. Trust me.”

  But he used the shortened version of her name again and it tethered them together. They both knew it. It didn’t matter how many years were between them. Once his gaze connected with hers, it held. Clung. Like a lifeline.

  “You should talk about it,” she persisted. “You’re so angry. I know there’s more going on than just discovering Emma is yours. More than you being angry with me for keeping her from you. Not talking about it isn’t going to make it go away.”

  “I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

  Shannyn sighed and leaned against the front side of the counter, forgetting all about napkins and tablecloths and focusing solely on him. Jonas was weary, she realized. And not just from his injury. It wasn’t physical. But inside, where it really mattered. And he was holding it all inside where it festered like an infection. He’d only balk at tenderness. But a more logical approach…

  “You need to talk about it, because right now I get the feeling you’re having a hard enough time by yourself, let alone parenting a five-year old girl.” She folded her arms. “Now that you’ve met, I know you’re going to ask for time with her. What happens, Jonas, if you have her and you lose time like you did just now?”

  “I don’t lose time.”

  “I just watched you. For nearly five minutes.”

  His jaw hardened, a muscle twitching beneath his ear. “You’re using her to deny me access now.”

  Shannyn shook her head. “No, I would never do that. You know that. The last thing I want is to put her in the middle of some ridiculous struggle between you and me. For her sake, I want to help you.”

  She pushed away from the counter and went to him, laying a hand on his arm. His lack of response didn’t faze her. “I’m her mother. Before you decide you’re going to be a father, you need to act like one. And that means getting help for yourself when you need it, whether you want to or not.”

  Jonas heaved an exasperated sigh and his chin jutted out stubbornly. It was a look Shannyn recognized in Emma and if she weren’t so worried, the resemblance would have made her smile.

  “What’s it going to take to make you happy with this?”

  The answers that raced through Shannyn’s mind were varied and surprising in their complexity. She’d thought she was happy before he came back, but sometimes now it seemed as though he’d never gone, as silly as that sounded. She wanted Emma to be happy. She wanted Jonas to be a part of Emma’s life, now that the truth was out. And she realized she might even want him to be a part of her life, even though she didn’t see how that could ever happen. He’d always be the kind of man to run off chasing a new assignment, adventure. And she’d be the one left behind again. Wanting to be a part of his life and allowing it were two very different things. Knowing what she knew about him, and what would inevitably happen, made being attracted to him utter nonsense.

  But they had to build some sort of a bridge.

  “A good start would be telling me how you were injured.”

  He shook his head, his chin jutting out further. “No, I can’t.”

  She raised her eyebrows, pulling her hand off his arm. “Can’t, or won’t?”

  “Right now it’s the same thing.”

  “You’re going to tell me it’s classified, right?” She blew out a puff of air, lifting her hair from her forehead. “Convenient.”

  “The location is classified. The…incident…is a matter of record.”

  She watched him swallow, look at his shoes, and then look up again. “I just can’t, okay?”

  She accepted it because it was obvious that it pressing him would get her nowhere. Perhaps it would be better to work their way there gradually. “Okay then, how about telling me about what happened when you left me and went to Edmonton?”

  She instantly regretted her choice of words. His face closed off completely, all vulnerability wiped away until he had all the openness of a classified document.

  “You make it sound like I chose the army over you.”

  “Didn’t you?” she asked the question without hostility. She already knew the answer. She turned to get the kettle, feeling the sudden need for the soothing effects of tea.

  At that moment Emma reappeared, face scrubbed and dressed in a soft pink nightie.

  “You ready for bed, pumpkin?” Shannyn put the kettle aside and forced a smile.

  Emma nodded. “My story first, please.”

  Shannyn took her by the hand and led her to the stairs, taking the first steps.

  “Aren’t you coming, Daddy?” Emma paused and asked the question over her shoulder.

  The plea was heartfelt and Shannyn let her gaze fall on Jonas, still standing by the kitchen counter. He looked so lost, a great giant without a country. But that was ridiculous. Jonas had always been the strongest man she’d known. She wondered what his answer would have been—about choosing the army over her. The way he looked at her sometimes now made her believe that he’d cared after all. That maybe he still cared a little. Just not enough.

  The bigger question was, did she want him to care at all? Even if she had loved him then, his answer to her earlier question was of the greatest importance. If he hadn’t cared enough to choose her then, what made her think he’d be any different this time? And could she take that risk with her heart after letting him break it once already?

  He smiled but kept his gaze on Shannyn. Before her eyes he went from looking lost to having a purpose, and she knew it was Emma that made the difference. Her body warmed beneath his appraisal.

  “I’d be honoured, Emma. If your mama doesn’t mind.”

  “It’s all right.”

  His steps sounded behind hers as they climbed the stairs. It was an intimate sound. How many nights had she climbed these stairs alone, wishing for another’s to echo behind her?

  She tucked Emma in, all the while aware of his body filling the doorway, blocking the light from the bathroom. Standing guard as she read Emma’s favourite book, Love You Forever. Waiting quietly as she tucked Emma in snugly and kissed her goodnight.

  She’d nearly made it to the door when Emma’s voice stopped her.

  “Aren’t you going to tuck me in, Daddy?”

  Shannyn made the mistake of looking up at him. His eyes widened with the wonder of being asked such a thing, as if he’d been given the moon.

  “Okay.” Hesitantly he stepped forward, smoothed the blankets about her, and leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead. “Goodnight, Emma.”

  “Goodnight,” she whispered back.

  Shannyn watched, swallowing against tears gathering in her throat. She’d
missed him so when he went away and had often wondered what it would have been like for him to know Emma even while doing her best to protect her daughter. She still wasn’t sure Jonas wouldn’t hurt them in the end, but the tender way he was with Emma touched her deeply. It was like he put everything aside and focused on her alone.

  He was here now. The more she saw of Jonas, the more convinced she was that he was dealing with something bigger than she realized. Perhaps Emma with her guileless ways could help with some of that healing in a way Shannyn couldn’t seem to.

  He turned from the bedside and Shannyn saw the glimmer of tears on his cheeks before he cleared his throat. When he passed by her, his hand squeezed hers.

  She turned and followed him downstairs, expecting to talk. But when they got there, he merely mumbled a thank you and left before she could say anything.

  Leaving her with more questions than she’d had when he’d arrived.

  On Sunday, Jonas called on the fly, saying he was heading across the river on an errand and would Emma like to go for lunch.

  Shannyn paused. On his first visit they hadn’t even broached the topic of visitation. When and where he could expect visits. Yet after his episode, she wasn’t comfortable in letting Emma go with him alone. He’d only met her once, after all. The alternative was that in order to say yes, she’d have to go, too.

  She held the receiver close to her ear, knowing he was waiting for her answer. And wasn’t this a slippery slope. If she wanted to keep her perspective, seeing Jonas should be the last thing she wanted. Instead, her heart leapt at the sound of his voice.

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” she explained. “Emma has only seen you once. I think it might be too soon.”

  “Then you come, too. I have to drop something off on Main Street, and I was going to grab some fast food. I thought I could use some company.”

  Well, there went that idea. She didn’t know what to say.

  “Shannyn, you told me that you wanted me to be present in Emma’s life, not in and out. That’s all I’m trying to do.”

  Now he was using her own words against her. Keeping him at arm’s length was proving more difficult than she’d imagined. “I don’t know, Jonas, it’s awfully sudden.”

  “Come on, Shan. It’s only lunch. What else have you got going on today? It’s Sunday. It’s raining.”

  “I’m cleaning the house.” She looked around at the living room, dusted and polished. A tiny white lie wasn’t going to kill her.

  “It’s an hour out of the afternoon. I’d really like to see her.”

  Shannyn couldn’t come up with any more logical arguments. “Oh, all right. Lunch, but that’s it.”

  “I’ll pick you up in half an hour.”

  Shannyn hung up the phone and frowned. The sudden urge to change into neater clothes came over her and she resisted. There was nothing wrong with her jeans or the cotton pullover she’d put on this morning. Her hair was up in a ponytail and she left it that way as a point of defiance. She was not going to make an effort to be pretty for Jonas Kirkpatrick!

  Emma, on the other hand, decided primping was necessary, and the minutes leading to his arrival were spent picking out the right shirt and brushing Emma’s hair until it shone. Shannyn tucked it back with a headband and couldn’t help but smile at the pixie face grinning up at her.

  “Where’re we going to eat?” Emma asked.

  “I don’t know. You’ll have to ask Jonas.”

  Emma held on to the stair railing as she bounced down the stairs. “I hope it’s Wendy’s. I’m going to have chicken nuggets and fries and root beer.”

  Shannyn only shook her head. Some days she wished she had a fraction of Emma’s energy and enthusiasm.

  “Put your coat on, Emma. It’s raining.”

  She was helping with the zipper when she heard the slam of the truck door. “He’s here. Best manners, now.”

  “Oh, Mama,” Emma lamented at the reminder, making Shannyn laugh.

  That was how Jonas saw them when she opened the door. Giggling like two girls sharing a secret. Shannyn’s hair was pulled straight back into a ponytail and the remembrance of wrapping that tail around his hand and pulling her close slammed into him, making him catch his breath. Emma looked up at him expectantly as she stepped outside and on impulse he reached down and scooped her up.

  He held her on one arm as he smiled at Shannyn. “Let’s go. First one to the truck gets extra large fries.” He shamelessly used the old taunt from their dating days.

  Shannyn shut the door and took off at a run. He couldn’t follow, and they both knew it. He was handicapped twice over, once with his leg and the other with the extra weight of Emma on his arm. She reached the vehicle and placed one pointed finger on the hood before snapping open the door and hopping in out of the rain.

  Jonas leaned his head close to Emma’s and whispered, “Your mama was always a pig about French fries.”

  Emma giggled and Jonas bounced her on his arm. It was probably wrong to tease Shannyn so, but he couldn’t resist. Not when she opened the door looking exactly like the girl he’d fallen for long ago.

  His heart told him that a date with his daughter and her mother was the perfect way to spend a lonely Sunday.

  His head was another matter. Because it came through his consciousness loud and clear that encouraging Shannyn was a big mistake for both of them.

  Chapter 7

  The buzzer sounded for the second time. Jonas lowered the towel from his head and anchored it around his waist with a hand. Whoever it was wasn’t going away. He might as well answer it.

  “Yeah.” He barked it into the intercom.

  “It’s Shannyn.”

  He paused, sighed. He’d thought the voice mail he left was clear enough. There was an air show this weekend and he wanted to take Emma. Shannyn too for that matter, if she still wasn’t comfortable with him taking Emma on his own.

  Their lunch had been fun, devoid of all the atmosphere from his first meeting with Emma. Perhaps it was getting away from home, being in a neutral location. Or the fact that it was a brief outing with no purpose beyond lunch. Whatever it was, he’d enjoyed it. Enough that the air show seemed like a great opportunity. He could show them some of the birds he’d flown in.

  Apparently his message hadn’t been clear enough, because she was here now.

  Shannyn would press him about things he didn’t want to talk about. She wouldn’t have forgotten his last episode. But it wasn’t something he cared to discuss—ever.

  He had to expect to talk to Shannyn now and again if he planned on being a part of Emma’s life. He had to keep his thoughts away from what had been between them, because letting their past spill over into the present would only cause complications. If he could keep the topic of conversation away from his past, they might be able to come to some sort of understanding on how to navigate their way through co-parenting.

  He pressed the white button when it rang again, telegraphing her impatience. “Yeah, sorry. Come on up.”

  Shannyn stomped up the stairs to his apartment. Jonas didn’t have any right to simply make demands where Emma was concerned. He hadn’t even asked if they were busy on Saturday. He’d just left that infernal message stating he would be picking them up. She didn’t take orders. It was time to set him straight on that.

  Jonas held the door open, only his arm visible as she approached from the stairwell. When she came around the corner, everything in her body froze.

  He was naked except for a white scrap of cloth that might, in some circles, have passed for a towel. It hung low, delineating the hollows of his hips and leading to tapered abs all the way up to deliciously muscled arms and shoulders.

  There was no way she could hide the shock or frank admiration from her face. Jonas Kirkpatrick was physically stunning. Full stop. And her body was on high alert, appreciating every square inch.

  “Sorry I took so long. I was in the shower.”

  “So I see.” Shannyn halted
in the doorway, avoiding his gaze. Her eyes remained firmly fixed on the centre of his chest. The sight of the narrow band of white was arousing at the very least. As she stared at his pecs, he inhaled, and they expanded before her eyes. She had to do something besides gawk like a nitwit! Her fingers itched to touch him, so she clasped them in front of herself to keep from doing something stupid.

  “Come on in.” He finally stood aside, leaving her room to pass by him into the apartment.

  Compared with her house, the living arrangements were sparse. The living room held a small drop-leaf table and two chairs, a home gym, and a battered sofa in front of a stand holding a flat-screen TV and cable box. It was meager accommodation, even for a bachelor. She glanced around the corner, seeing doors to what presumably was a bathroom and bedroom, and she’d passed the tiny galley kitchen on the way in. She’d stayed in hotel suites bigger than his apartment.

  “It’s not very big. But with only me here…” His voice trailed off and he shrugged, making no move to excuse himself to get dressed.

  “It’s fine.” She tried a bland smile. She knew he hadn’t missed her initial reaction by the smug expression on his face. She ignored it and tried to find a place for her gaze to land. She couldn’t lose sight of the reason for her visit. He had no right to assume anything.

  Jonas adjusted the towel with one hand. Shannyn’s nerves were shot and she wasn’t sure if it was still the cause of her visit creating such a reaction or the fact that he was standing before her nearly naked. She was struck by a memory—a good one for once—of herself and a hot shower after a particularly nasty walk in the rain when his truck had broken down. They hadn’t slept together yet, so he’d let her have the bathroom first, and when he came out later after his shower with his towel wrapped around his hips, one thing had led to another and they’d finally given in to their bodies’ demands.