Back in the Soldier's Bed

by Donna Alward

  Shannyn closed her eyes. Every time he touched her now it seemed all her senses kicked in. Every touch, each caress seemed to carry far more meaning. He’d verbally thrown a lot of things at her this afternoon, but she was smart enough to know they had only been a smokescreen. Now every moment, every revelation into his character, drew her closer. Intertwined their lives. It elated her almost as much as it frightened her.

  “Don’t credit me. I saw you through the window. It was what you said. She never shares Mr. Huggins.”

  He let her arm go, and she turned to open the door.“Shan?”

  When she faced him again, he was holding glasses in his hands. For a second she got an intuitive feeling, as if he were going to say something she wouldn’t like. He looked almost apologetic.

  “I know what I’ve got to do.”

  He slid past her out into the yard before she could ask him what he meant.

  They sat up to the table, reminiscent of a regular family ritual. Plates were filled, chatter ensued. Shannyn stole glances at Jonas. He acted like he was fine, he laughed and smiled and ate like all was normal. But Shannyn couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow something was wrong. What did he feel he had to do? And why was he waiting to tell her?

  The evening was waning, settling into mellow sunset when they unwrapped ice cream sandwiches. Shannyn handed around napkins as chins sported dribbles of vanilla and chocolate. Jonas sighed.

  “What is it?”

  Jonas looked into her eyes. She wondered again if she saw remorse in his hazel depths or if she only imagined it. He held her gaze for a long time, reached out and squeezed her free hand, then pulled away and cleared his throat.

  “I want you both to know that I might not be around as much for a while.”

  Shannyn put down what was left of her sandwich, blindly wiping her fingers on a paper napkin. What was left of her appetite had diminished completely. This was it then. She’d overstepped after all, and he was backing away. After all that had happened, he was clearing out. Just like last time.

  “Why, Daddy?” Emma voiced the question for both of them.

  Jonas smiled at Emma, a wistful turn of his lips. “You know my dream today? I get them a lot. And your Mom and I think it would be good if I got some help.”

  “Help from who?” Emma took a bite of her sandwich, her eyebrows raised in innocent curiosity.

  “Help from a doctor, sweetheart.”

  Shannyn’s heart gave a solid thump. He had meant it then. He was going to get help. She was glad. Glad for him, but selfishly couldn’t help but think that if she were interpreting right, he was doing it alone. She’d begged him to do it, but now couldn’t help but feel left behind.

  They’d come so far, and they’d done it together. Sometimes fighting, sometimes crying, but he’d shared it with her. She didn’t quite understand why he was withdrawing from them now. Perhaps her heart would be safer, but not Emma’s. She balled up the napkin, fussing with it, wanting to ask the questions but knowing they needed to be voiced in private, not in front of Emma.

  “Do you have to go away for that? Will he give you a needle?”

  Jonas laughed. “No, and I hope not.”

  “Then why are not going to be here?” Her lips formed a tiny pout. “I start soccer this week. I wanted you to come.”

  Thank you, Emma, Shannyn thought. She was wondering the same thing. Why did getting help preclude him being with them? She knew that if she were to ask, he’d find a way to avoid answering. It was harder for him to put off Emma’s innocent questions.

  Jonas got up from his side of the table and moved over to sit beside Emma. He took her sticky hand in his. “I’m not going to be gone completely. I just won’t be here regularly. I need some time to figure things out, that’s all. So I can get better, and be a better Daddy to you.” He halted, then lifted his hand and grazed her cheek with a finger. “I don’t want what happened today to happen again. It hurt me to see you scared.” His eyes darted up to Shannyn’s. “To see you both scared.”

  Shannyn saw the logic in what he was saying even as her heart rebelled against it. It was a responsible thing to do, she supposed. She wanted him well, she truly did. But she didn’t understand his need to avoid them while he was doing it. They could help him, she was sure of it. He’d already said that Emma helped him. What she’d feared would come true. He’d withdraw and she’d be left to answer Emma’s questions about why Daddy wasn’t around.

  Emma wasn’t the only one who would miss him. Shannyn admitted to herself what she wouldn’t to another soul. She would miss Jonas; the sound of his voice, the way he diddled his knee even without realizing he was doing it. The way he ran his hand over the stubble of his military cut or rubbed his bad leg when he got upset.

  “I’m sure your Daddy will come for visits, honey.” Her eyes fell on Jonas, telegraphing a look that said, you’d better.

  She wished she could read his thoughts. When his gaze locked with hers, they seemed to acknowledge what she’d said. And when he spoke, he spoke to her, even though the words were meant for Emma.

  “I’m not leaving you. That I promise.”

  Her heart lifted. He meant all he said. She was suddenly sure of it.

  There was still so much to say. She longed to know what he was going to do, when she would see him again.

  “Let’s take this stuff inside and run you a bath, Emma. You’re sticky from one end to the other.”

  “I’ll get it,” Jonas offered. He stood and began piling dishes on the tray. “You get Emma in the tub.” He smiled at Emma. “Then I’ll read you a story before bed.”

  When Shannyn came back downstairs, he was putting the supper mess away. It felt right, having him there in her kitchen. She smiled a little, remembering how she’d first considered him an intruder into their lives. But now…now she was beginning to believe she could trust him to keep his word. He was getting the help he needed. He was taking a genuine interest in Emma. She couldn’t ask for more than that.

  “Thanks for tidying up.”

  He turned from the sink. “You’re welcome. It’s the least I could do after the day I put you through.”

  “What are you going to do now, Jonas?” She leaned against the breakfast nook.

  “I don’t know.”

  That made her frown. “But you think withdrawing from us is a good idea?”

  Jonas put down the dishcloth and rested his hips against the counter so that they were facing each other in the contained space. “How can you ask that, after today?”

  “I think today has shown you that we’re tougher than we look.” She stood straighter, her back coming off of the resting spot. Why couldn’t he see that it wasn’t she and Emma that needed to be protected here?

  Jonas folded his arms. “Today taught me that it’s not fair for me to expect you to deal with my problems. Today it was a nightmare. A broken picture, an overturned table. What if it had been different? What if you’d come in and had shaken me to wake me up?

  “I don’t trust myself, Shan. And I never want to see that look on Emma’s face again. I realized I’m unpredictable. I don’t know what will trigger a memory, a flash. Today is the worst day I’ve had. Twice at the airshow I lost time. I’ll admit it now. And then after all that, the nightmare. Until I know it’s okay, I don’t want to chance scaring her again.” His face softened. “Scaring you.”

  “Going away is hurting us. Emma won’t understand.” She let her gaze skitter away, as she admitted, “I…I don’t understand. I thought I helped you. I thought…I thought we’d agreed that we’d be friends.” The idea sounded so odd from her lips. They meant more to each other than friends, yet somehow even friendship seemed elusive between them. They’d built a tenuous truce, that was all.

  “You did help me. But you were right about one thing. I need more than time and a friendly shoulder. I promise I’ll make time for some contact. I’ll pick Emma up and we’ll go for an ice cream. I’ll come to a soccer game. But not…not a
scheduled, prolonged thing. Please try to understand. I need to do this. I need to get things clear and you…you complicate things.”

  After what they’d been through together today, all she’d wanted was some quiet time for them to just be. To maybe sit quietly in the shade of the maple tree and unwind, to let the day settle and drift away on the evening breeze. To be held in his arms, secure. Safe. Instead he was talking about walking away. Putting more distance between them rather than drawing closer.

  Shannyn felt the quiver in her stomach, a little sliver of fear. She’d already begun to rely on him, to get too involved. Even tonight she’d started to trust him again. Longings to be held in his arms indeed. He’d never given the impression he truly wanted more. A few kisses and a whole lot of arguments did not translate into rebuilding a relationship.

  The last time she’d trusted him he’d gone away for good. Perhaps he was right. Maybe a little distance would let everyone regain their balance. Moving slower wouldn’t hurt. She was wrong about needing protection. Maybe she did need it, but not from him. From herself. From letting herself feel more than was prudent. It was for the best.

  Except that it already hurt. Each time she felt them get closer, the fear that he’d eventually leave her again was like a crack that spread under pressure.

  Emma’s footsteps came down the stairs. She was shiny-faced and in a blue and white nightdress, a brush in her hands.

  “Mommy. I’m ready for you to brush my hair.”

  Shannyn looked back at Jonas. “Do what you have to do,” she murmured, then moved to take the brush from Emma’s hand.

  Jonas picked up the paper cups and opened the truck door with a finger. One year. Exactly one year had passed since they’d driven over the IED and it was time to face a few things.

  He shut the truck door with a jut of his hip, holding the hot coffee in shaking hands. His therapist had said this would be a good idea. The doc had also said he was making progress. Right now, with his stomach churning and his body trembling, he wasn’t so sure of that. But he’d promised Shannyn he’d get help, and so here he was. Four hours from home in a small town in Nova Scotia.

  He put one foot in front of the other until he reached the gate, swinging it open with a rusty creak.

  It wasn’t hard to find the headstone. It was slightly larger than the others, with a maple leaf adorning the top. For a minute he stood staring at it, at the words carved in gray stone.

  He took one of the coffees and put it down beside the monument. “I brought you a double double,” he said quietly, referring to the familiar term for two cream and two sugars from Timmy’s. Feeling awkward, he flipped back the plastic on his own cup to reveal the drinking spout and took a hesitant sip.

  He’d been afraid that seeing Chris’s name here, seeing the date, he’d be inundated with memories and painful flashes. But there was none of it. Only a deep sorrow that he’d lost his best friend.

  “I’m sorry, Park,” he whispered. He squatted down so he was at eye level with the epitaph. “I’m sorry. And I miss you.” He smiled a little. “That’s all.”

  “Sergeant Kirkpatrick.”

  He rose and spun, coffee flying out of the small hole in the lid.

  “Nessa.”

  She smiled sadly. “You know who I am.”

  “Park carried your picture everywhere.” She was even more beautiful in person, he realized. Creamy skin, dark hair flowing around her shoulders, brown eyes that seemed to really see him and held a note of sorrow he recognized.

  “How are you holding up, Sergeant?”

  Jonas looked back at the headstone. “I’m here. I’m fine.”

  She came forward, putting down a handful of mixed flowers. She caught sight of the cup and covered her mouth, suddenly laughing.

  “Oh, how he loved his morning coffee with you. What a lovely tribute, Jonas.”

  It was odd, feeling so connected to someone he’d never met. “I’ve had some trouble getting over what happened,” he admitted, surprised he was able to talk about it without feeling like he was strangling. “So I drove down to see him. To apologize. That sounds stupid,” he finished.

  Nessa put her hand on his arm. “Not at all. You never got to say goodbye. I can’t imagine what you went through. If this is what you need to move on…”

  “But you lost a fiancé. A future. I’m so sorry for that.” Despite counseling, he still couldn’t completely erase the feeling of responsibility that haunted him for denying this woman a husband.

  She smiled at him then, a soft understanding. “It wasn’t your fault. I know that. It was what happened and he’s gone. He lived for the army. I knew it and wanted him not even despite it, but maybe even because of it. It was so much of who he was.” Her soft eyes shone with the love she still felt. “I’ve accepted it, Jonas.”

  “But knowing what you know now, would you have done it? Would you have been with him knowing he would be killed?”

  The question had been on his mind a lot lately. Being with Shannyn, all the old feelings being renewed, had made him wonder about the woman Chris had left behind. Nessa was a living example of exactly what Jonas had tried to protect Shannyn from. He’d done what he thought he had to do, what was best. But now he was more involved in Shannyn’s life than before. He had a daughter, and he was beginning to doubt everything he’d believed. Was starting to think he’d had it all wrong in the first place.

  She hugged her arms around herself. “Yes, I would. Even with the pain…loving him was beautiful. I’m grateful for the time we had. I wouldn’t trade a second of it. He made me a better person.”

  She faced the grave, a wistful smile curving her lips. “He was the most alive person I ever knew. Yes, it hurts. It still does and I think of him every day. But my life was better for having him in it. And I know he wouldn’t want me to grieve forever. He’d want me to go on and have a fabulous life. To be happy. So I try to spend every day living up to that.”

  Jonas swallowed. It was simple and the most beautiful tribute he’d ever heard. It fit his memories of Chris perfectly.

  Nessa reached down and took his hand, lifting it up between them. “Do you think he’d want anything less for you, Jonas? You, his best friend? Do you think he’d want you to spend your life blaming yourself? Denying yourself happiness because you feel guilty that you’re here and he’s not?”

  Jonas choked on a laugh while tears filled his eyes. “He’d tell me to shut up and get on with it. And probably a few other choice words.”

  “Then why aren’t you?”

  He stared into her eyes. Why wasn’t he? She was right. She was absolutely right. What sort of tribute was he paying his friend? Chris would say he was alive but not living and he’d be right.

  There were two people back in Fredericton who deserved more than he’d been giving. He’d been foolish to try to engineer things in the first place. He’d played God with Shannyn’s life thinking he was doing the right thing, but he knew now he’d been wrong. He held on to the anger about Emma’s paternity to avoid facing the fact that his feelings for her hadn’t changed at all. Tried putting all the blame on her to keep her at arm’s length. But the truth was, he wasn’t really that mad about it anymore. They’d both spent so long being afraid that it was all they knew.

  He had to see her. Had to tell her what he’d really done six years ago when he’d left for Edmonton, and tell her he was sorry. Knowing it, and for once not being afraid of it gave him a sense of freedom he hadn’t known for many years.

  He turned to Nessa, who was watching him with a broad smile.

  As everything became crystal clear, his lips curved up in response. “You are one hell of a woman. Chris always said so and now I know he was right. You have no idea what you’ve just done for me.” He let out a giant breath. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

  “Be happy, Jonas,” she replied, leaning up and kissing his cheek. “Chris would want that for you.”

  Jonas turned back to the monument and lift
ed his hand in salute. His chest filled, his back straightened, his chin lifted.

  When he passed Nessa, he put a hand on her shoulder, then broke into a jog as he headed out the gate and back to the woman he loved.

  Chapter 13

  Amidst the happy shouts and whistles, he saw Shannyn. On the sidelines of the field, clapping her hands, engrossed in the game. The dying sun gleamed off her hair, warmed the skin of her arms to an amber glow. For a few moments Jonas watched, saw Emma running up the field in her yellow and white shirt, following the ball, joined by a handful of identically dressed children.

  He’d made so many mistakes. So many decisions based on fear and not enough based on faith. And in the face of it all she’d somehow found the strength to help him when she thought he needed it.

  What made him qualified to decide what was best for Shannyn? He’d loved her all along and had pushed her away out of fear. Not anymore. He’d been gone for too long. Six long years they’d wasted.

  He was home. They were his and he was theirs. It was time he started taking the steps to claim them.

  As if she could read his thoughts, she turned, her body suddenly backlit by the sunset, golden and gorgeous.

  He had so much to tell her. About what he’d been doing over the past weeks. About what he’d done earlier today. About what he envisioned for the future.

  Shannyn turned, her heart catching at the sight of Jonas staring. He was all long legs and broad shoulders in faded jeans and a green t-shirt with a small crest on the chest. When he started walking towards her, his limp was indiscernible.

  She stepped off the sidelines, retreating from the cheering crowd a little. His eyes locked with hers, his strides purposeful.

  In that moment it became very clear. She loved Jonas. She always had, even when he’d come back and turned her life upside down with demands. Even when she’d seen him struggle with demons that frightened her. And especially now, seeing him walking towards her. It would always be him for her. It was a done deal.