Back in the Soldier's Bed

by Donna Alward

  “If it was, it wasn’t intentional.”

  Her response sounded flimsy, and she bit her lip. Would she have wanted him to choose her over the army? Is that what she wanted now?

  She didn’t like the answer that came back.

  “We both made mistakes.” Oh goodness, he was still apologizing, like he was the only one carrying any responsibility around. “I took the choice away from you, Shannyn. I wasn’t honest with my feelings. I wanted to ask you to come with me. But then I thought of all the men not coming home and I knew I’d hate myself for hurting you. I made my decision based on fear, not on faith. Faith in you, faith in us. I realized that today. I took that choice away and I’m sorry. More sorry than you’ll ever know.”

  His hand squeezed her wrist, warming the skin with the gentle touch before letting go. All these years she’d thought he hadn’t cared enough to stay, or to ask her to wait for him. But he had cared. He’d made a mistake, yes. He’d taken the choice away from her. But he’d done it for the right reasons. Not out of concern for himself, but for her. He’d done it out of love. Could she say the same? She knew she couldn’t, and it made her own admission sting that much more.

  “I’m sorry too, Jonas. I thought you hadn’t loved me at all, so when I found out I was pregnant with Emma I knew I couldn’t ask you to come back out of obligation. It would hurt too much to know you didn’t love me the way I loved you. So I kept it from you. I denied you your daughter and denied her a father who clearly loves her. And I denied us the chance at a future. You’re not the only one with regrets and with apologies.” If only he knew.

  “It’s over now.” He sat up a bit, holding her hand between both of his and chafing it. “No more looking back. No more regrets. What’s done is done and we go from here.”

  Where exactly was that, though? Shannyn realized that while Jonas had said that he’d loved her then, he hadn’t said that he still did now. There was something between them, certainly. But neither of them had said the word love and referred to it in the present tense. Once again she was waiting for him to say it first, too afraid to take the first step. Too afraid that they were repeating the same pattern. The rush of seeing him earlier had faded. Could she bear for him to stay in the service, knowing how quickly their lives could turn on a dime? Could she risk putting Emma through it, as well as herself? It wasn’t just her to consider anymore.

  “Where do we go from here?” she asked quietly, withdrawing her hands. “What do you see happening between us, Jonas?”

  “I don’t know.” Jonas sighed and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’ve spent so much time living in the past that I’m not even in the future yet. I’m still taking things one day at a time. I’m going to have some decisions to make soon about where my future lies. I—”

  He stopped mid-sentence, turned his head and looked out over the back yard.

  “You what?”

  “Tonight I had to tell you the truth about why I left. And for the first time, today I actually started thinking about the future rather than being caught in crisis mode. I’ve been there for so long, it’s hard to get out.”

  His gaze met hers. Even, honest. “I still need time. Time to figure everything out. I’m going away for a few days. To talk to some people. Figure out my options.”

  Shannyn sat back in her chair, putting some distance between them. She wanted to say, you’ve had six years to figure it out, but knew it would be unfair. He was making progress. It was good he was moving forward. It wasn’t up to her to approve of the direction he chose. The longer they talked, the clearer that became.

  Perhaps that was why his next words shook her to the core.

  “I’m not sure what the future holds, Shannyn. But I am clear on one thing. I never should have left you six years ago.”

  After all these years, finally hearing the words didn’t feel like she expected. It made her deeply mourn the time they’d wasted. Made her resent the choice he’d made. If only he’d stayed. Perhaps they could have worked it out. If he’d just asked her to go with him…

  But she imagined getting that phone call in the middle of the night. Imagined what it must have been like for Nessa. She didn’t want to be a young woman standing beside a grave.

  “You don’t seem happy.”

  His voice, flat and expressionless, reached her and she snapped her head up to meet his gaze.

  “It’s not that…it’s just…why are you telling me this today?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  She started to panic. He was taking her reaction as rejection and she desperately needed to understand. “It does matter, Jonas. It matters a great deal.” When he made to get out of the chair, she reached out and stopped him with a hand on his arm.

  He sat back. “You want to know why today? Because I’m not afraid anymore. I needed to come clean. It’s that simple.”

  Shannyn inhaled, the air trembling on its way to her lungs. “Nothing between us has ever been simple.”

  “No.”

  He needed to make a clean break. It was all making sense now. The words hung in the air as the silence grew thick around them. She couldn’t bring herself to answer. She couldn’t imagine delineating all the reasons why they couldn’t be together. He’d made a mistake in the past, he’d made that clear. And she forgave him for it. What good would it do to talk about it now? It would change nothing.

  Her eyes stung. So much for taking that leap of faith.

  Jonas pushed back his chair and stood. His weight was even over both feet, and again Shannyn was reminded of how far he’d come over the last few months with his recovery. Jonas was putting his body and his life back together. She needed to do the same. She couldn’t live her life waiting for him to make decisions. She’d learned that the hard way and she and Emma had been okay. Having him around again she’d started to think of him as part of their lives. Now she realized she had to stand on her own two feet again.

  She’d always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, she realized. If only it could be as easy as putting the past behind them and moving forward.

  “Come here,” he murmured in the dark.

  She went to him, the evening breeze chilling her, raising goosebumps on her flesh. He pulled her lightly into his arms, resting his temple against her hair.

  “You’ve given me strength, Shannyn Smith. You’ve given me strength and the courage to get through this. Don’t you think I’ll ever forget that. I owe you everything.”

  She sighed, drank in his scent one last time. Imprinted on her heart every sensation of his body against hers. Then she pushed away.

  “I’m happy for you.”

  Shannyn was surprised at how strong she sounded. She instantly missed the warmth of his arms around her. But as much as she knew she loved him, she also knew what he was saying. He was still who he was…what he was. He hadn’t made promises or proclaimed any feelings. The very strength that she’d wished for him was now driving him away and she couldn’t find the will to voice her feelings. She was too afraid. Afraid of losing him. Afraid of growing further apart during his absences rather than closer together. Afraid that despite their renewed relationship, she’d always be the one that loved more. That hurt more.

  She reached up and ran her fingers over his shoulders, imagining him in his uniform, smiling sadly. “You are still a soldier. And now a healthy one. I don’t doubt for a minute that this job will change, and you’ll be off on some new adventure. It’s who you are, Jonas.”

  “You’re still scared.”

  “Of course I am. I don’t think I could survive losing you again. It’s good that it’s stopping here.”

  Everything in her wanted him to fight now. Fight for her like he hadn’t six years earlier. Instead he remained silent and what little hope she’d held on to died a quiet death.

  “You think my life is too what, transient? Dangerous and uncertain?”

  “Something like that.”

  He wasn’t fighting, then. It was over. Reall
y over. It was the ending perhaps they’d never had, but there was no relief in it. All Shannyn felt was cold resignation at the way things had turned out.

  She didn’t want him to leave but understood now that it was exactly what he was doing. He had made her fall in love with him again and now he was walking away. Just like before.

  When he pulled away, his hand on the railing of the deck, she didn’t stop him.

  “We covered a lot of ground this evening,” he acknowledged. “Maybe it’s better to let the dust settle. Then we can meet and talk about where we go from here. We need to talk about Emma. We need to stay consistent for her, no matter what.”

  “That will be fine.” It sounded forced and she knew it.

  “I’m not sure when I’ll be back. But I’ll call you,” he said softly. “Give Emma a kiss for me.”

  “I will,” she replied, trying to hold back the tears that suddenly threatened. They were done. Reduced to talking about visitation schedules and what was best for their daughter. Knowing that every time she saw him, she’d die a little more inside from loving him so hopelessly.

  He hopped off the porch and lifted his hand in a wave before skirting around the house. Moments later his truck started, and she heard his tires on the gravel of the drive.

  Worn out and overwhelmed, she sat back down on the chair, letting the sobs finally come. And tried to put together the pieces of what had just happened.

  You’ve given me strength and the courage to get through this. Don’t you think I’ll ever forget that.

  She’d wanted him better, had wanted him to stop suffering, had wanted to help him through it. She just hadn’t thought the cost to herself would be so high.

  Chapter 14

  Shannyn looked at the phone for the umpteenth time that afternoon. Each time it rang and Melanie answered it, her heart skipped a beat. Monday was the same, as was yesterday. Patients came and went, she did spreadsheets and payroll.

  There was no reason for her to look for his call, but he was never far from her mind.

  He’d been straightforward about telling her that he was going away to discuss future options. Who knew what he’d be doing, or where? She remembered the gleam in his eyes as he’d spoken to Corporal Benner outside the coffee shop. There was nothing he’d love more than being back with the men of his unit. She knew that.

  She should have known things would only grow more complicated. Emma had asked about him on Sunday, and again yesterday. Shannyn had no answers for her as a few days turned into several. He’d said they needed to talk about Emma, but now he wasn’t making himself available. It was what she’d always feared. Shannyn was a grown up and could deal somehow. But a child didn’t understand why Daddy was suddenly just gone. Finally, last night, she’d broken down and tried calling his apartment, but there’d been no answer.

  She played with a pen sitting on her desk, clicking the tip over and over. Jonas had admitted his mistake of years past. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t ignore that, even though she had forgiven him for it. Maybe he’d made a mistake leaving her, but the truth of the matter was if he’d loved her so very much, it wouldn’t have mattered. He’d have asked her to go with him. No doubts. She realized now she probably had been testing him. And she’d punished him by keeping Emma from him.

  She ran a hand through her hair. She loved him; she wouldn’t lie to herself and attempt to deny it. But loving someone and making it work were two very different things. Now there was Emma in the middle, ensuring he’d always be linked to her somehow. She set her lips and went to the stacks to take out his chart. They needed to talk regardless. She wouldn’t let Emma be pushed aside like she’d been.

  With a fortifying breath, she picked up the receiver of her phone and dialed the work number from his file.

  When she asked for him, the polite woman on the other end apologized. “I’m sorry, ma’am, he’s on base in Petawawa.”

  On base? Being out of town explained why he hadn’t called, and she relaxed. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”

  The line was silent as the woman hesitated for a moment. “That will depend, ma’am, if he starts his new posting.”

  Shannyn sat down in her chair, suddenly numb. New posting? Jonas was going to a new posting? And he hadn’t told her, or Emma? When had he decided? After they’d talked? Or had he known that night when he’d shown up at the soccer game?

  Emma. Oh no. Her heart sank to her toes. Shannyn had her own disappointments, but Emma was different. She was too small to understand a father coming and going, always in and out of her life. Realizing she still loved him had provoked all the old fears. Shannyn had known in the beginning that no one in the military stayed in one place for long. Over the past weeks she’d conveniently forgotten it. How could she ever tell Emma that her dad had been killed in duty? She’d almost wanted him to retain a bit of injury so returning to active duty wasn’t an option. It was purely selfish, she knew. And she truly was glad for him that his leg was healed and he felt whole again. Oh, what a mess she was in.

  “Ma’am? Do you want to leave a message?”

  “No,” Shannyn muttered hoarsely. “No, thank you.”

  She hung up the phone heavily. Suddenly things he’d said became clear. Thanking her for being strong for him. Saying he’d never forget it. No more looking back and no regrets. She’d felt it was goodbye and it looked like her intuition had been right on the money. His file still lay on her desk. She hadn’t given him a reason to stay. She had no one to blame but herself.

  Nausea rolled through her stomach. She’d done it again. She’d lost her heart to him only to have him leave her without asking her opinion. He’d made decisions already and left her in the dark. Just like then, he’d charted out a life for himself and hadn’t asked for her input. Only now there wasn’t just her. There was Emma who was going to get hurt.

  She let the cold anger roll in and stacked the items on the top of her desk with terrifying precision. Anger was easier to deal with than the hurt. At least last time she’d known where he was going. It had always been a given. She’d just hoped he’d ask her to go along or leave her with some sort of assurance of keeping their relationship going. This time, he was making changes and not even keeping her in the loop. After the way he’d seemingly bonded with Emma, it was hard to believe he’d do something like this without considering their daughter. She thought he’d changed.

  She took his chart and shoved it back into the shelf. She deserved better. Emma deserved better. The way he’d held her, way he’d won Emma’s heart told her he owed them more.

  She made it through the remainder of the afternoon simply by going into function mode. She picked up Emma at the sitters, chatted mindlessly with her about painting and grape popsicles, all the while stewing about how she’d ended up in this place again. Vulnerable to him. Waiting for him. Waiting for a man who wasn’t coming.

  Shannyn took the key out of the ignition with a sigh. She felt used. Now that he was better physically, and making great strides emotionally, she felt like she was no longer needed. She’d been there while he’d been struggling but now that he was moving on with his life, she was forgettable. The woman that had helped him through his rough time. Someone he’d once loved.

  She’d promised herself she’d never be that way again, but here she was. Left behind.

  Emma bounced into the house ahead of her mother. “What’s for dinner?” She skidded to a stop in the kitchen, her daycare backpack dropping to the floor. Shannyn bit back her irritation; it wasn’t Emma’s fault she was in such a tumult.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Can we have mac and cheese? Can we?”

  Shannyn’s eyes caught the red blinking light of the answering machine. Holding up a finger to silence Emma for a moment, she hit the button.

  The first message was from Patty, saying that she was taking Lisa to McDonalds around six and asking if Emma would like to go along.

  “Yes, yes, yes!” Emma called out, dragging he
r backpack through the kitchen to the table. “McDonalds beats macaroni and cheese!” She started pulling things out of her pack.

  The second message was from Jonas.

  “Shan, it’s me. I need to see you. I know it’s short notice, but could you come by tonight? Anytime after five-thirty is great.”

  It was ridiculous, how she was affected by the mere sound of him on an answering machine. Even knowing what she did now, the husky timbre of his voice reached inside of her. She steeled herself. Likely he was going to break the news to her tonight. A new posting meant moving on. After what she’d said, she knew it meant moving on without her.

  “Can I come see Daddy too?”

  Shannyn hated to say no but this was one time she knew she and Jonas would be better off alone. “I thought you were going to McDonalds.”

  “Oh yeah.”

  “Daddy and I need to discuss some grown-up things anyway. You’d be bored.” Shannyn paused, wanting to be encouraging to Emma but not give her false guarantees that she couldn’t deliver. “I’ll talk to him though and see when he plans on visiting again, okay?”

  Emma nodded, not too upset apparently. Shannyn exhaled slowly. If he were going away, she’d make sure he spent time with Emma before he went. That was non-negotiable.

  She called Patty and accepted the invitation, then asked if Emma could stay there until she got back from an errand. But that left her with the problem of time on her hands and trying to keep occupied until Emma was picked up. She sorted the laundry and put a load in the washer, vacuumed the living room. Sat with Emma and read a few stories. When six finally arrived, she heaved a great sigh of relief.

  Once Emma was gone, Shannyn considered revamping her appearance. She changed into a pretty skirt and blouse, then looked in the mirror and frowned. This was ridiculous. She was bracing herself for a breakup, which was funny because they weren’t really together in the first place. It was silly to dress up and look extra special. She changed out of the skirt and slid back into her comfy jeans and T-shirt. Again she met her own gaze in the mirror. If he were truly going to destroy her world, she was at least going to do it in comfortable clothes.