by Cyn Balog
Still, I didn’t want to give up my chance to be with Declan. That was what mattered. “I really should be with Declan. I haven’t had a chance to see him much.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Really?”
“I’m sorry, but yeah,” I said surely.
She huffed, then started to pout. “I can’t believe you’re going to leave me alone in my time of need. I thought it was holes before poles forever, girl.”
“I’m sorry.”
I was sorry, especially when I got to my car and saw Declan leaning against it. “Hey,” he said as I approached.
I leaned over to give him a kiss, a chaste one on his cheek that he didn’t return. “You get the note I left in your locker?”
He nodded. “I did. Thanks.”
It had been kind of corny, about how I was looking forward to going out with him that night. I wanted him to know that I thought of him, and only him. I wanted him to understand that I didn’t care about Kane in the least. “Oh. So…you need a ride home?”
He shook his head. “I wanted to let you know I can’t be there tonight. I’ve got a project to do for physics, and I’m just not feeling basketball. You know me and sports.”
“Oh,” I said, my spirits plummeting. He’s just not feeling it. But I’d be there. Meaning he wasn’t feeling me. “So what? You’re going to sit at home alone, on a Friday?”
He cocked a grin my way. “Never stopped me before.” He took my hand. “I’ll make it up to you. Okay?”
I widened my eyes hopefully. “How?”
He let out a snort of a laugh. “I don’t know. I’ll think of something.” Not having a romantic retort was so, so unlike Declan. “Have fun at the game. Text me who wins.”
The idea of going to a game with Kane and Javier made me feel sick. I couldn’t go with Kane. Didn’t Declan know how awkward that’d be? Didn’t Declan see how hard I’d been trying to avoid him? Or didn’t he care? I started to tell him that I wasn’t sure if I’d even go, but he checked the screen of his phone and cut me off.
“All right. I’ve got to go.” He said it as if what I did made no difference to him, but he held my gloved hand in his and said, “Be safe.”
At least he wants me to be safe. See? He does care. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him, but as he leaned back against the hood of my Jeep, I had the oddest feeling that I was cornering him, that he was kissing me because he couldn’t escape otherwise. He slid his arms around my waist, and I savored the feeling. That innocent touch was a lifeline. I kissed him longer than I should have, even after he tried to let go.
You hate me, I thought when I looked into his eyes. Just tell me you do.
But there was nothing in those eyes that told me anything. They used to speak the world to me. And they’d gone utterly dead. Declan didn’t spew hate. Didn’t even show it. He kept that inside. Always had.
The trip to the mall with Nina was the shopping trip from hell. I should’ve known. Nina was fashion-forward, and shopping was a marathon sport for her. We stayed at the mall until eight thirty, until my feet were aching and I wanted to cry. All I had to show for our excursion was an American Eagle sweater that I’d gotten on clearance. When Nina dropped me off at nine, the street was quiet. It was still early, as far as Fridays went. My parents were out, and it was likely the basketball game wouldn’t be over for another couple of hours. I went inside and got myself a Coke, then texted Declan. Home. Want me to come over?
I waited for a response, but there was nothing. Sighing, I went upstairs and looked across Fox Court to his room.
There was only one light on in the entire Weeks house, his. Kane wouldn’t be back for a while. So he was in there. Why wasn’t he checking his phone?
I watched for a little longer, willing my phone to buzz, but it didn’t.
I’d finally made the decision to go over when I saw a silhouette in the window. Just a shape, beyond the blinds.
And then another. They joined together, and my heart dropped.
I’m not sure what I was thinking when I did what I did next. I grabbed my camera, then hurried downstairs and out the door. I ran across the street to Declan’s house, climbed the trellis and peeked inside.
At first, I saw nothing, and hoped what I’d seen was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe Kane had come home early. But when I moved to the side to see between the windowsill and the closed blinds, I saw the curved slope of Luisa’s naked back, her white-blond hair tumbling down over her shoulders.
This was a mistake, I told myself, scrabbling forward on the roofing tiles, pushing ever closer to see something that would explain away what was happening inside.
Instead, the vision only got clearer. Luisa was naked, straddling him. Straddling my Declan. He had his hands around her backside, holding her on him. His top half was propped against the headboard, and he had a look on his face… It was the same look he’d given me outside the school that afternoon. Just…dead. He wasn’t happy anymore. He held her as she moved on him, wriggling, bouncing, tossing her head back. I could hear her animal noises through the closed window. But he was so, so silent.
Revenge. That was the first thought that hit me. His. Mine. I felt the weight of the camera in my hand. I don’t know why I’d been saving that last picture for our selfie. I’d take this picture and photocopy it, plaster it around school. Make them pay.
I raised the camera to the window, my eyes bleary with tears, unfocused. I snapped the picture, not caring what was in the screen as I watched him lurch forward, his hands tightening around her back as he came.
This was the boy who’d wanted to wait for marriage.
I went back to my house quietly and riffled through my jewelry box. I pulled out the tiny heart with the diamond and stared at it. Then I went in front of the mirror and put it on, trying to erase the images I’d just seen. Only two words stuck in my head as I climbed into bed, my eyes swollen from crying.
We’re forever.
Friday, March 1
I roll over in bed and am hit by bright sunlight slashing through the blinds.
I’d barely slept all night. I’d turned the memory of Declan and Luisa over and over in my head. I tossed and turned, batting that new memory, letting it grow clearer, all the details solidifying in cinematic clarity.
Luisa had blamed me for Declan’s death, not as his friend. She blamed me because she’d been in love with him. Declan was the easiest person to fall in love with. He had such a caring heart. If I hadn’t known them so well, I might have thought they’d slept together to get revenge on Kane and me. But Luisa and Declan weren’t as cold as Kane and I were. They’d cared about each other.
And that was what nearly killed me.
That look in his eyes that I wanted to believe was cold and unfeeling? It wasn’t. It was more like…him giving up on his convictions, deciding that all this time, his rose-colored-glasses view of the world had been a joke.
It was that look that made me decide against a revenge scheme. No matter what he did to me, I was dead set against hurting him again.
And as much as I’d wanted to confront them, I still believed in Declan and me. We’d had more than a year together, a million memories that still managed to warm my heart, even when our relationship had soured. Back then, I was sure that we could turn things around if we both wanted it enough.
I pull myself out of bed and get ready for school. Kane is already outside when I hurry to my Jeep. It’s warmer on this first day of March, and the piles of snow that have been hanging around seem to be liquefying and draining away. There are muddy patches of grass visible in the dingy snow. Without a word, I climb into my Jeep, but before I start the engine, I look at him.
“So they were sleeping together,” I say. “But we didn’t confront them.”
He nods. “You didn’t want to. You seemed convinced that things could go back to the way they were if we
chilled. So we did.”
“But they didn’t go back, did they?”
“No,” he says. “They got worse.”
“Worse, how?”
“You and I cut ourselves off from each other. We agreed we’d put our energy into making things right. And we did that, for like two weeks.” He shrugs. “You were so sure that he’d realize it was a mistake. You wanted him to confess and ask to start over.”
“But he never did?”
He shakes his head.
“And then?”
Kane reaches over and starts the ignition. Even though it’s warmer than past days, it’s still cold, something I don’t realize until the heat is pumping full blast at my face. “Come on, Hail.”
“I still don’t know why he died, Kane,” I mutter. “And I know you’ve been lying to me. Hiding things from me.”
“Why do you think? You’d just come out of an institution, Hailey. You were fragile. Did I want you reliving the fact that your boyfriend and your best friend did that to you? No. Did I want you to think that you took the picture that contributed to his suicide? No.” His voice rises steadily. Finally, he stops and looks out the passenger window. “Why can’t you see that everything I’ve done is for your own good?”
I bury my chin in my ski jacket and stare up at my house. Maybe I am due for a nervous breakdown. But I can’t help feeling that not knowing will get me there faster than knowing.
“Look, Hailey,” Kane says, his voice quieter. “Luisa and I had a talk last night. And we decided to start over. To wipe all away all the history. Again. Okay? But three strikes, and I’m out. So I’m making this one worth it. I wanted you to know that while I’ve appreciated the ride, I’m going to get one with someone else from now on.”
I look back at him. Five days. That’s all it took. That’s all it ever takes, right? Five days from pledging his undying love to me to blowing me off. He wasn’t only leading Luisa on. He was leading me on too, and I was too stupid to realize it. It’s such a fucking fine line between love and madness, and both Weeks boys have had me straddling it for far too long. I square my jaw and glare out the windshield. “Fine,” I snap. “Then get out.”
“Look, Hail. I—”
“GET OUT!” I shout, so loudly that it rattles the car.
He doesn’t say a word. He pushes open the door. I throw the car in reverse and gun it out of the driveway before he’s managed to clear the door. It smashes against him as I screech to a stop. He grips his sore arm and stares at me as I reach across and pull the passenger door closed. Then I floor the accelerator and pull out of the court, tires screeching, without another look in his direction.
25 Days Before
I’d slipped going down the trellis, falling back onto a prickly evergreen bush by the porch. It scraped my hands and face something awful, but I didn’t feel it. I only realized it when I saw the dried blood on my sheets the following day. My reflection in the mirror was that of someone who’d gotten into a fight with a cat—and lost.
Over the night, I’d cried myself dry of tears. I blamed only myself. I’d started this.
And I knew I needed to finish it.
Even then, I thought I could find a way to reverse what had happened, to put life back the way it had been before. No, we were forever altered, but I thought that maybe I could still make my relationship right with Declan.
That morning, a Saturday, I texted Kane: Can you come over?
I barely ever texted Kane these days; usually, it was part of a group text. And though he was the type of guy who slept in on weekends, he responded at once: What’s up?
I typed in: I need to see you asap. Just come over.
He didn’t respond, but five minutes later, he appeared on my front stoop, knocking. I nearly mowed down my father, who was walking at a leisurely pace to answer the door. “I got it,” I told him, nearly toppling him on the staircase in order to intercept Kane.
Kane was wearing an Eagles T-shirt, ball cap, and sweats despite the frigid weather and looked like he’d just woken up. I yanked him inside, afraid that Declan would see us. I’d already made enough of a mess with him thinking Kane and I had something going on. I didn’t want to make the situation worse. When we were inside, he studied me in the darkened foyer. “What the hell happened to you?”
I motioned for him to be quiet and led him up to my bedroom. There, I found the photo I’d snapped and handed it to him. I hadn’t actually looked at it as it developed, because I couldn’t bring myself to. He studied it, squinting. “Wow. This captures it so well. What the hell is it?”
I grabbed the photo. Shit. I’d gotten mostly blinds in the picture, and only a blurred sliver of what might have been Declan’s arm around Luisa’s waist. But it was enough to bring back the horror of what I’d seen last night. I started to sob again.
“Whoa.” Kane sat me down on the bed and waited for me to calm down.
I tried to explain, but my throat was choked with sobs. “I went to Declan’s room last night. And…and he was with…Luisa…”
He stiffened. “What?”
I nodded. “They were…”
He stood up. “You’re wrong. You have to be wrong.”
“I’m not. I know what I saw. And I…” I covered my face with my hands. “There was no mistake, Kane. They were on his bed.”
He ripped his phone out of his pocket and started to text.
“Wait, what are you doing?” I asked, alarmed.
“What do you think?” he snapped. “I’m going to ask her what she was doing last night. She told me she was still sick with that stomach bug, but I thought it was bullshit.”
I grabbed the phone from him. “Wait.” He tried to swipe it back, but I scooted off the bed. “Look. I don’t…I don’t want to confront him.”
“What? Why the hell not? If Declan…and my girlfriend… I sure as hell want to confront him. It’s got to be a mistake. Declan wouldn’t…”
“Why not? You slept with his girlfriend.”
Kane’s face was red. Few things made him angry, but this qualified. I could tell he was running the past through his brain, trying to make sense of it. “If he did…I want to be the first to kick his ass.”
“What about Luisa?”
“I wouldn’t put it past her. Tell me you didn’t see the way she looked at Declan. She was so jealous of you, it was practically coming out her ears. And after what we did…she saw her chance and she took it.”
I put my head in my hands. “This is so horrible, Kane. I want it to stop. I want us all to go back to the way we were.” Tears were still flowing from my eyes. “Please, Kane. I love Declan, more than anything. And I think he still loves me. There was something about Declan’s face. I think he realized what he did was a mistake, even as it was happening.”
“So?”
“So don’t you see? They came together because of what we did. They aren’t in love. It’s…getting even. Now we’re even. If we give them time, they’ll come back to us. Isn’t that what you want?”
He studied me. “Yeah. I guess.” I handed the phone to him, and he stared at it. “So what do I say to her? Nothing?”
I nodded. “Yes. As hard as it is, we ride this out. And that means…”
He looked at me and pressed his lips together. We’d agreed, after the shit hit the fan about New Year’s, that it was better if we lay low. Separated. It was hard, because our lives were so closely entwined, but we’d done our best. We still gravitated toward each other—without thinking, innocently ending up together—since he was the peanut butter to my jelly, the bacon to my eggs.
“I got it. I shouldn’t be here.” He pocketed his phone and strode to the window, looking across at his house. “What were they doing in there? Were they…” He threw up his hands. “You know, you’re right. I don’t want to know. My stepbrother.”
The images
sifted through my mind again. I hadn’t thought Declan was the type to get revenge, but it was possible. Love and rage make people do all kinds of things. “Well, we—”
“We did that before we even knew him. What Declan did… It’s fucking worse. And you know it.” He clenched his fists.
Because I’d lied to Declan for so long, I didn’t quite see it that way. But I knew Kane couldn’t be trusted to ride this out. When he got riled, watch out.
And he was definitely riled.
Saturday, March 2
My mother stops me at the door as I’m getting ready to leave for a shopping trip with Nina. “Are you okay?”
I nod. “I’m fine. Tired. But fine,” I lie.
“Oh good,” she says. “Because Mrs. Weeks might need a mother’s helper on the weekends, what with baby Cooper. I thought it would be nice if you offered your time. Maybe you can make a little extra money.”
I shake my head, but she isn’t paying attention.
“That baby is supercute,” she says with a smile. “She brought him over yesterday when they got back from the hospital. You should go over and see him.”
That’s the last thing I want to do. Declan’s room is his nursery. And after my fight with Kane and nearly running over him with my Jeep, the Weeks house is the last place I want to be. I fudge an excuse as Nina’s car pulls up our driveway.
When I climb in Nina’s Honda Civic, she eyes me suspiciously. “So, I heard a little gossip through the grapevine.”
I sink down low into the bucket seat. I wonder what piece of gossip she’s talking about. Me nearly cutting myself open in gym a couple weeks ago? Me nearly getting into a catfight with Luisa over our dead boyfriend? Kane sleeping with me and then dumping me? None of it is anything I want repeated. “Can we shop and avoid the gossip?”
She pouts as she pulls out of my driveway. “But it’s so juicy! And sad.”
