by A. K. Koonce
“Sorry,” he whispers on a painful breath.
My heart pounds so hard I’m sure he can hear it is my only reply.
I hate that I did this to us. He and I were making so much progress. I feel like we just ripped away all that progress.
“I—I guess that’s enough for today.” Kain’s voice disrupts the tense awkwardness I was building around us all.
Sinister’s gaze shifts away from me and where I feel guilt, he looks like he feels confusion.
Is he angry at me? Angry at how I’ve made things between the two of us? Angry at himself?
I’m only angry at our past that keeps rearing itself up in my present.
Ten
A Redo
“Why did you do that to him?”
“Do what?” I hiss the moment Kain closes his bedroom door behind me.
The room is bland. Where Chaos has books and decor lining his shelves, Kain’s room is a flat white color. A few sheets of paper lie forgotten on his dresser and other than that and the king size bed against the far wall, there is absolutely nothing of personal interest in here.
“Sinister wants you so bad he’s willing to torture himself by being around you every day and not touch you. And the moment he does touch you, you shove him back down.”
“I do not.” I shrug off the coat and attempt to lower my voice. I know they’re standing in the kitchen just yards away. Their damn shifter hearing is probably picking up my every breath.
“Are you afraid of what Rime or me will think of you being attracted to Sinister? Because I hate to break it to you, but Rime doesn’t see love like the rest of the world does.”
I blink up at the furious redheaded man.
He’s right. None of us see love the way the rest of the world does. Some might think it’s odd for me to be so drawn to two men who are openly attracted to one another. It’s not odd though. Because I understand it completely. We have a stronger connection because we see each other for exactly who we are. And none of us try to change that. One of the things I love about them, is that they’ve never shamed me for being drawn to all three of them.
And I should know that they’d never shame me for being attracted to Sinister too.
That’s not the problem though. There’s never been a problem with how sexy I think Sinister is. The issue is I don’t know who we are any more. It terrifies me that if I admit my feelings for him, I’ll just be clinging on to an old memory of who we once were.
And I’m not that girl any more. And he’s not that sweet boy any more.
Big hands clasp ahold of my wrists and Kain pulls me hard against his chest. His head tilts down as mine tips up to him. “Talk to him. I know what it’s like to be on the other side of your fucking confusing personality, Arlow.” My eyes narrow on his playful smile. “Talk to him,” he whispers sternly once more.
Kain is a good leader. Not that I know much about authority figures. He’s a good friend though. He holds us together with our best interest constantly at the front of his mind. In this moment, his alpha status shows through with shining colors.
His lips brush the corner of my mouth, making me lean in for more. But he steps away before I can even feel the warmth of his kiss. He opens the door and strides away from me. My gaze lands on shining crimson eyes.
Chaos now stands at the kitchen table next to Rime, whispering and apparently getting updated on the gossip that is my life.
“Can I talk to you, Sin?” My voice is this tiny little sound that I swallow down and force confidence to up in its place. My shoulders square.
He comes to me the moment I say his name. He doesn’t look back once at the men who watch us. The casual stride that brings him to me doesn’t reflect the tension that I feel in my chest. It’s like there’s nothing wrong in his life in this moment.
Maybe there isn’t. Maybe I’m overthinking everything.
He leaves the door open and I pace a little before finally settling on the bed. The headboard meets my spine as I try to find a sense of normalcy between us.
“I acted weird earlier,” I finally say.
“No, I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”
My heart sinks. He thinks he made me uncomfortable. He didn’t. I don’t think he could ever make me uncomfortable around him. Confused, yes. Almost all the time.
We’re so strange. Everything about Sinister and me is the most peculiar relationship. Even when I dated his brother, he never let that get between us. Years of our messy lives lay between us. And yet, we can’t let each other go.
He comes a little closer, lingering near the edge of the bed. Slowly he takes a seat at the very edge.
“Do you miss him?” My gaze holds on his.
A scoffing sound tumbles from his lips before he shakes his head slowly. He buried his only brother in the forest just beyond these houses, and all he can do is scoff about him.
“Kreedence made it hard to care about him. He was the nicest man anyone had ever met but that wasn’t truly him. It took me years, well into my teens to understand the snap of his personality. It was so abrupt sometimes it gave me whiplash. He took care of me after our parents died. I respected him, appreciated him. But he wasn’t someone anyone could ever really love.”
Except for me. I was the blind idiot who thought she loved an unlovable man.
He wasn’t a man at all though. Not really. He was a personality more than anything. I can’t help but wonder if Kreedence ever let anyone truly see him if not even his brother knew him.
Sin shifts against the mattress until we’re sitting shoulder to shoulder.
All the times we sat like this before, teasing our bodies with skimming touches and quiet smiles, flashes through my mind.
“Do you ever think about it?”
“Think about what?” he whispers, his accent kissing against the letters just right.
My attention drifts to the men in the other room. The three of them sit at the table now. Their laughter comes easily. The way they taunt and tease each other shows their friendship so perfectly. The hum of their amusement circles the house in low rumbling waves.
Chaos looks up at me, his eyes shining, thin lines creasing around his pretty gaze.
I had a simple friendship like that once.
“Do you ever think about our kiss?” My heart clenches involuntarily, and I realize it’s the first time I’ve ever spoken of the dark memory.
The heavy breath that leaves Sinister’s lungs matches my feelings exactly. His fingers tic, his index finger reaching out to skim along my outer thigh so lightly all I feel is a fleeting tingling sensation.
“Yeah, I think about it.” His long finger strokes against the thin material of my skirt once more, and I feel that whispering touch everywhere. “I think about how stupid I was to kiss you then. And sometimes I think about how I should have done it sooner. I think about it so much it’s fucking pathetic.”
He and I are alike in many ways.
My heartbeat is so loud it drowns out everything else other than his quiet words. Slowly I turn, my hair falling around my face as I look over at him. Our eyes meet in this timid, uncertain way.
“It’s one of my favorite memories I hate to think about.” My voice catches and his hand slips into mine in an instant. He holds it tightly, clinging to the feel of my skin against his while we study each other for several passing seconds. “Maybe we should change the memory.”
His dark brows lower over bright crimson eyes. “I don’t follow.”
Before I can think twice about it, I lift my leg, turn my hips, and straddle myself over him. The way his eyes widen is almost enough to encourage me further. But I don’t move. I keep my hands to myself while he keeps his hands hovering above my thighs. His fingers fist into his palms, and I wonder if he’s forcing himself not to make contact with the exposed skin of my thighs again. My skirt bunches around my hips, leaving minimal coverage over my underwear, and I follow his gaze as he notices too.
“You’re the most confu
sing woman I’ve ever met. What are you doing, Arrie?” A half smile pulls at his lips, but the way his voice rasps gives away his calm and collected façade.
He’s right. I’m tired of being confused. I’m going to be painfully vocal and honest with him from here on out.
“I want a redo.”
“A redo. Of course, makes perfect sense.” He shakes his head back and forth at me, his smile only growing wider with each passing second. “I wish I understood your pretty little mind somedays.”
Trust me you don’t want to look inside my mind. It’s a messy place in there.
“You’re telling me you don’t wish we could have a better memory of our first kiss.”
“Well you see, ‘first kiss’ makes it sound like there were more, when there was only the one, if I remember correctly. It also makes it sound like it’ll be a reoccurring event.”
“You’re avoiding my question.” I relent from touching him, slipping my fingers into his, holding his hands in a simple, playful way that makes me feel more alive.
“You’re avoiding my statements.”
“Fine, tell me your statements and I’ll re-ask my question.”
“Hmm, bossy, bossy.” His thumbs brush back and forth against my knuckles as he watches me with that taunting smile of his. “My statement was about the wording. First kiss. My question is will this planned event be a reoccurring affair or a one-time thing that I’m going to dwell on for the next five years? Is it a leap year sort of celebration? Please tell me more, in slow, descriptive detail, love.” Suddenly our platonic kiss sounds much dirtier as he emphasizes certain words, assaulting me with sensual thoughts without even trying.
“Well.” I take a breath and start to wonder if I’m over my head here. “I think our friendship withstood me dating your brother while being in love with you, a five-year curse, and you welcoming new men into my life. I think it can withstand the occasional kiss.”
“Did you say you loved me?” His half smile lifts even more, his eyes shining as he sways my hands, toying with my body just slightly.
“I—I think I did love you,” I whisper more to myself than to him. I don’t know why it feels like I lost him. He’s right in front of me, but I know that I lost the man that I loved.
The man I loved is gone. And so is that girl who loved him.
His teeth sink into his lower lip slowly and my heart skips a beat as I wait for him to acknowledge what I just admitted. He leans closer, sitting up, releasing my hands just to push his palms slowly down the length of my spine. Our chests meld together perfectly as he aligns our hips more firmly together.
“And now?” His temple leans against mine as he breaths me in.
“And now I’m so broken from love I can’t even say the word to anyone else, Sin.”
His eyes close. Not a hint of his sexy smile can be seen. Only deep regret lines his sharp features.
“I’m sorry, Arrie.” He holds me close as he whispers against my lips.
Fluttering hope fills my chest when I realize how close my mouth is to his.
And then all that hope crashes between us.
“I think kissing you is a bad idea,” he says.
“What?” I pull back, allowing an inch of space between our words and he chases that space until his mouth skims against mine once again.
“I said it was a bad idea. I love bad ideas. My whole life is built on them.” His hooded eyes bore into mine with too much seriousness. “You’re going to break my heart, Arlow. And I’ll gladly let you. Again. And again.”
His lips press to mine in a promising way. My chest aches from what he just said to me, but I can’t help but react to his body. My fingers thread through his soft hair. The gentle, sweet way he kissed me all those years ago isn’t here. His teeth nip at my lower lip, pulling a gasp from me and he sweeps his tongue against mine the moment I open for him. The outline of his hard length grows against my core and when I feel it, his fingers fist into my skirt just above my ass as if he’s forcing himself not to push my hips down onto his cock.
A humming sound of my moan skims against his lips, his tongue slowing the moment he hears it. His grip on me loosens, his body becoming less rigid as he presses slower, gentler kisses against my lips.
Until he finally pulls away.
Heavy breaths fan between us as he searches my eyes. His voice is a sexy sound when he speaks again. “And you think, as friends, we should start doing this more often?”
I nod quickly.
“I need rules or I’m going to end up fucking you right now and screwing up this platonic friendship we have going. Once a day or several times a day?”
Another irrational nod of my head. “Probably several.”
The moment I say it his lips slam against mine all over again. He drags out the moment this time, sliding his tongue ever so slowly against mine, tasting me over and over again until I’m trembling for his hands to roam further.
But he never does.
His arms are locked stiffly around me, his fingers fisting in the fabric of my skirt as he kisses me like it’s all he’s thought about for years.
Because that’s exactly how it’s been for me.
Eleven
Beautifully Broken
I fell sleep in that bed before the sun ever set, curled up around my friend just like I used to. Sinister is gone when I wake though. I know he’s gone because of how cold the fingers pulling at my hair are. Rime toys with it gently, letting the soft feel of it run through his fingers. It’s relaxing. So relaxing I don’t immediately let him know I’m awake.
“You look at her differently,” Chaos’ whispers from somewhere a bit further away.
And then I’m really listening.
My spine stiffens as I force myself to stay stoically still. My breathing hitches even as I try my best to keep it unnoticeably steady.
“Depends on the time of the day, really.” Rime voice is quiet and rasping. Tired sounding. “Sometimes I’m amazed at this delicate strength that rips through her. I’ve never seen so much fucking anger in someone so beautiful.”
“I have.” Chaos cuts him off and there’s a moment that passes that makes me wish I knew what look they’re currently passing between each other.
“And then there’s sometimes that I swear to the fucking goddess she’s entirely crazy.”
My lip twitches and it’s a struggle for me to keep the blanket of sleep in my features.
“But you look at her differently, Rime.”
“What do you mean?”
A second ticks by. And then another.
A heavy exhale has the man at my side shifting against the mattress.
“I’ve known you for a decade and you never noticed me in a different way until we met her.” There’s a gentleness in Chaos’ voice that hurts to hear. I know that sound from years ago when I wasn’t so sure of myself or my love life. It’s the sound of insecurity. “If you’re just with me to be with her, you can tell me.”
My eyes open slowly and Rime’s gaze locks with mine. He watches me in silence while Chaos keeps his attention held on the ice dragon. The three of us lie in Kain’s bed, me on the edge, Chaos on the other edge, Rime resting in the middle.
“I never came on to you because I knew—I knew that someday you’d find a beautiful mate.” His voice softens as he trails over my features. “I knew that that person would be perfect in every way that I’m not. And I knew you’d leave me behind. Because everyone always does.”
The simple beating of my heart is painful. If I could wrap these two men up and never let the cruelty of the world touch them, I would.
Chaos’ fingers skim against the side of Rime’s hand. For a moment, Rime doesn’t turn to show Chaos his soft, exposed features. It’s a rare look, the hard cruelty he always keeps in his gaze is absent. And he watches me watching him for several seconds.
Does he feel safer not showing Chaos? Does it hurt him to hide so much?
“You have no idea what you’re talk
ing about. Perfect’s fucking overrated. Flaws. Flaws are sexy.” Chaos’ words are just the right thing to say.
They always are.
A small tilt of Rime’s lips has both of them almost smiling at one another.
“I must be one sexy mother fucker,” Rime whispers.
A rumbling sound hums through Chaos as his fingers skim higher against Rime’s forearm.
“And what I meant was, it’s okay if you’re not attracted to me like you are her. I know there’s a difference. I get it. I just—I know it can be confusing. It’s a lot to take in at first. It’s okay if you’re confused. I’ll wait. I can be patient.” Chaos swallows hard just as an actual confused look pulls Rime’s brows low.
It takes me a minute to remember that Chaos is the first man Rime’s ever kissed. It slams into me hard that Chaos is scared. He’s scared Rime might not really like him the way Rime likes me.
I never once questioned if either of them truly liked me. Because I can feel it. I’ve been in a relationship where I wasn’t wanted and I know what it feels like to not be wanted.
Neither of them have ever made me feel anything less than completely desired.
But I never paused to wonder if there was insecurity in their minds.
Before anyone can say another word, Rime shifts himself over Chaos. His palms brace his weight on either side of Chaos’ dark hair, so close to my own. His gaze is predatory like as he trails over Chaos’ wide eyes, his surprised features, and his parted lips.
“I’m not confused, Chaos.” The serious look in his gaze is testing. Teasing. Honest.
Slowly his leans forward and Chaos’ lashes flutter closed. Rime’s mouth brushes over one amber eye and then one sapphire eye. He kisses the strong angle of Chaos’ jaw, letting his beard meet his lips.
“What are you doing?” Chaos’ palms settle on Rime’s lean hips, careful not to grip too hard. Careful not to ruin the moment.
“I’m taking an inventory of every sexy fucking part of you so you know what I think is attractive.” The even tone of Rime’s words is casual.
