by Clare Kauter
“Shit, no need to sound so sympathetic.” OK, so I admit it did come out sounding a little bit too cheerful. And yeah, it did make me feel good to see Mr Stuck Up in this state. I guess it made him seem a little less perfect and a little more human. I know. Sad.
He opened his eyes. When he recognised me, he smiled (he smiled?!).
“Ah, I should have known.”
“Embarrassed?” I suggested.
“We all have our low moments, sweetie. What’s the matter – get bored? Need someone to argue with?”
“I was just checking that you weren’t drowning in a pool of your own vomit, actually.”
He snorted. “What would you do? Hold me under?”
“Of course not.”
“That’s a relief.”
“You’re going to owe me a house soon.”
He smiled. “I should have known there’d be an ulterior motive with you.”
“Is it just me, or do you become more intelligent when you’re drunk?”
He just smiled.
“So,” I began. “Have you decided what house to give me yet? Or are you still being optimistic enough to think you might have a chance of winning?”
“You’ve got determination, I’ll give you that.”
“And resources.” I tried to give him a sweet smile, but I think it probably came out as more of an evil, scheming smirk.
“It was a bit nasty not mentioning that before we made the bet.” I tried the sweet smile thing again. And failed. Again.
“Not my fault. You should have thought before you acted.”
“Probably. Also we never established what I get if I win.”
“Satisfaction at proving me wrong?” I suggested.
“Yet if you win I have to give you a house? That doesn’t seem fair.”
I tried to raise an eyebrow but couldn’t, so I raised both instead. “That’s definitely fair payment for catching a murderer. Plus proving you wrong is an added bonus.”
He laughed. “I look forward to it.”
I left him in the toilet (not, like, in the toilet – I’m not that mean) and headed back out to the party. Tim walked over to me and I’m proud to say I actually saw him approaching me that time.
He handed me a can of lemonade. “I guessed you’d forgotten about the drinks, so I got them myself. Not spiked, I promise. I opened it myself,” he said, gesturing towards the can. “Where’d you disappear to?”
“Toilet.” I didn’t elaborate. Technically, I wasn’t even lying.
From behind Tim, I saw Karen Martin approaching with a bowl of punch. I was about to get out of her way when she ‘tripped’ and ‘accidentally’ poured litres of the sticky juice all over me. My face, my hair, and my clothes were soaked.
I guessed she’d recognised me.
“Oh,” she said pointedly. “Sorry!”
Now, I know I should have let it go, but I have quite an argumentative nature. Basically, that’s what makes me me.
“It’s OK,” I said. “I know you didn’t mean to spill it everywhere, especially seeing as you’re going to have to scrub it out of the carpet. What with you being the cleaner and all.” For someone with no money, possessions, status, or discernable life skills, I can do quite a good impression of a snob.
“At least I have a job,” she said.
“Oh, I do too, actually. I work for the top security company in Australia now. They even provide their employees with a car. A good one.”
I could see the anger boiling up inside her. “James offered to buy me a car, actually. As a Christmas bonus. I said no, though. I get paid plenty to buy one for myself if I wanted, but I’m not that superficial.”
“Yes, I can tell from your hairstyle that you don’t really care about outward appearances.” Not that I could talk. I hoped she wouldn’t call me out on my outfit.
“My job is very satisfying,” she said, a little too defensively.
“Really? I would have thought you were a bit old for James to want to satisfy you. Aren’t you, like, forty?”
Now there was smoke coming out her ears. “You little bitch. You have no right to be here. You ruined my brother’s marriage and James hates you. You’re pathetic.”
“Well, as much as I wish it was, it’s not their funeral, or yours, so I’m going to stay right here and pay my respects.” I gestured to the wet patch of floor around my feet. “You better get to cleaning before it stains.”
“This stuck up attitude doesn’t suit you,” she said. “My brother was your boss for four years. You’re not better than me.”
“Would you prefer if I was openly aggressive?”
“Yeah. Why don’t you smash up my car like you did to James?”
“Well,” I replied coolly, “I would, but it by the looks of it, someone got there before me.”
It was at this point that she took a swing at me. Luckily, Sharps caught her arm before it made contact. Now, normally I wouldn’t have said that Karen Martin was a big threat, but there was a lot of anger behind that punch, so, as you could imagine, I was a bit relieved when it didn’t land.
Sharps led her away, trying to calm her down. Now that the excitement was over, the crowd that had congregated during the argument dispersed and got back to partying.
I guess that alcohol shortens people’s attention spans.
“Got something against their family?” inquired a voice behind me. I turned to face James McKenzie. He was gripping the doorframe for support (again) and grinning.
“I think it’s more that they don’t like me. And it’s not funny.” He was grinning.
“Of course not.” He was still smiling.
“It isn’t!”
“Calm down, sweetie. I’m only happy ’cause I’m a little tipsy,” he explained.
“Really? You’re tipsy? I had no idea.”
“I see you took a punch,” he said, looking way too pleased with himself. It was a decent pun, but I didn’t want to show that I was amused.
“I took a whole bowl of it. My clothes are probably ruined.”
“No great loss.”
“Thanks for the confidence boost.”
“To be honest, sweetie, I’m surprised your mum let you come out dressed like that. Not that it isn’t a totally functional outfit, and I know it’s not my place to tell you what to wear, but I kind of wish you’d worn that pink polka-dot dress with the puffy skirt.”
“You mean the one I had when I was three?”
“Yeah. You looked hot in it.”
“That’s a little creepy. And anyway, I don’t care what people think of my clothes. Also stop looking down the front of my shirt.”
“It’s a nice view from here.”
Jeez, I thought. Make up your mind. “Earlier you said there was nothing there to look at.”
“Discredit anything that comes out of my mouth when I’m sober. I only say it to annoy you.”
“I think I like you better when you’re drunk,” I told him. And it was true. I did.
“What?” he pretended to be surprised. “You don’t like me normally?”
“Man, you’re so good at figuring things out, you should join the police force.”
“I tried, but they don’t want me.”
“Well neither do I, so stop looking down my shirt.”
We fell silent for a while. I broke the quiet – if you could call it that (the background noises of the party weren’t exactly peaceful) – by stating the obvious.
“This place is going to be trashed in the morning.”
“Yeah. Karen and I’ll probably clean it up tomorrow – well, when I get over my hangover.”
I laughed. “Starting work on Wednesday, then.”
He laughed too. “If I’m lucky.”
“She’ll probably be all done by the time you stop heaving your guts up,” I told him.
“She’s a good housekeeper,” he said.
“She’s a bitch,” I contradicted.
“You’re just biased.”
“I don’t
like her.”
“I know. That’s what I mean.”
“Her haircut’s shocking.”
“So are your clothes,” he countered.
“Yeah, but I’m not trying to impress anyone.”
“And she is?” Like he didn’t know she had a massive crush on him.
“Hate to break up the party, you two,” said Sharps, “But I think it’s time for us to leave, Charlie.”
“OK,” I answered.
“And I think you should go talk to your housekeeper, James. Maybe talk her out of killing Charlie. And hit on her a little,” he added.
James looked surprised but not unhappy.
“I’m on my way,” he said, and stumbled off into the crowd.
“Reckon he’ll pass out before he reaches Karen?” asked Sharps.
“Well normally seeing a person in that state I would say yes, but James McKenzie, with the prospect of flirting? I’d guess he’s gonna make it.”
He laughed. “Well, we better leave quickly just in case he doesn’t and Karen chases us out with an axe.”
“Good idea,” I said.
“And speaking of attacking people with tools,” he began, “Did you really take to McKenzie’s car with a wrecking bar? I’ve heard two people mention it today.”
I took a deep breath. “Yes, I did, and yes, I wrote it off. No, James was not in the car. No, I was not on drugs. Yes, I had a reason – it was during a bad patch of my life. No, I have no idea how I managed it when I had a broken leg at the time. No, I wasn’t arrested for it. Yes, James has it on DVD and I’m sure he will lend it to if you ask him. Why don’t you invite all the B-Co boys around for a viewing? Hell, why not order some pizza? And maybe afterwards you can sit around and talk about it. Rate it out of five stars. Send it into The Funniest Home Video Show, list it on IMDB, upload it to YouTube. Hey, he’s probably got a full collection of embarrassing videos of me. You should ask him about that. It would probably be really amusing for you.”
Sharps was giving me a kind of stunned look.
“What?” I demanded.
He still looked shocked as he said slowly, “A ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer would have done.”
I was fuming, as you could probably tell. (I was kind of sick of people bringing up that story, to tell the truth.)
“Although, I like the idea of that movie night.”
I gave him the Evil Eye.
“Kidding!” he said.
By this time we had reached the car. As I was doing up my seatbelt, I could have sworn I heard Tim mumble, “And I thought I had issues,” but when I asked him he denied having said anything.
Tim parked outside my house and walked me to the door. I was about to go inside when Violet threw the door open.
“Hello,” she said to Tim, with a big smile. “Staying for dinner?”
“Well, I wasn’t planning –”
“Oh, come on! Janine even cleaned up yesterday. Don’t worry, you don’t have to suffer through her cooking, I’m here. Trust me, I’ll feed you well. In you come. What’s your name?” She grabbed his wrist and dragged him inside.
“Uh – Tim,” he said.
“Well, Tim, it’s good to meet you. And how do you know Charlie?”
“Er, we – we work together. Um, look, you don’t have to give me dinner. I – ”
Violet cut him off again. “So, where are you from? You’ve got quite a strong accent.”
“Um – America. Really, you don’t – ”
“Well, I could have guessed that much. I meant more specifically, like from California or New York or… One of the other states.” A+ for geography there, Vi. “Here we are. Sit down,” she ordered. By this time we had reached the dining room.
“I – ” Tim protested.
“Would you just sit down!” she shrieked.
And he did. Fast.
“Vi,” I said, “I’m sure he has a home to go to.”
“Oh, Charlie, don’t be so rude. Look – he’s already sitting down.” Tim looked absolutely bewildered. She turned and called out, “Janine, make sure there’s enough plates for six. We’ve got a visitor.” She began to talk to herself as she wandered into the kitchen. “OK, so I’ll double the recipe. It says that it serves 12, but I want to make sure there’s enough for all of us.”
“Who’s that?” Tim asked, meaning Violet.
“Violet McKenzie,” I answered. “James’s mother.”
“You two have a long history together, don’t you?”
“You don’t even know the half of it.”
At that moment, Mum walked out of the kitchen. “And who’s our extra visitor?” She was asking him, but I answered anyway.
“He’s a male model from Scandinavia. Doesn’t speak a word of English,” I answered. I didn’t want mum to start trying to set us up.
“You know Scandinavia isn’t a country, right, Charlie? If you’re going to lie, at least do it properly.” Unlike Vi, my mother was actually quite good with geography.
Judging by mum’s cool demeanour, I guessed the coffee had worn off. And, judging by the half-empty glass of wine in her hand, I guessed the alcohol had started to kick in.
That was when Lea entered the room.
“Oh, hi Tim!”
“Thank you, Lea,” said my mother. She turned back to Tim. “Hello Tim, I’m Janine. Pleased to meet you.”
They shook hands. Violet called out from the kitchen.
“Somebody should go and find Bruce.”
“I’ll go,” said Lea. “He’s out in the garage, polishing the Jag. I love that car. I mean really love it.” She grunted, and then everyone got very uncomfortable and she went out to the garage to find Bruce. Or stroke the car or something.
“She really likes cars,” Tim commented. “I wonder why she never got her licence.”
“Yeah,” I said, not taking in what he said. Then it clicked. “What did you just say?”
He frowned. “Didn’t you know? I thought she would have told you, being that you let her drive your car.”
I kind of thought she would have, too.
Mum cut in at that point. “Your car? You mean my car! She isn’t supposed to drive? Didn’t you ask if she had her licence? You let her drive my car?” OK, I guess the alcohol hadn’t subdued her as much as I thought.
“Sorry, Mum, I’m not in the habit of asking people if they have their licence when they tell me they can drive.”
My mother looked horrified. “You let her drive my car! She could have crashed it! Anything could have happened!”
“Mum, I was in the car most of the time she was driving. She’s a better driver than I am!”
“That wouldn’t be hard,” she mumbled.
“Hey considering the amount of times you’ve crashed I really don’t think you should – ”
“Don’t you start on me, Little Miss Car Whisperer.”
“Hey, at least I don’t do off road racing for fun!”
“Neither do I,” she said indignantly. “I just have a passion for country scenery. I don’t have to apologise that.”
“Oh, whatever,” I retorted. “I know that your book club is just a front for the 4WD racing cult you belong to. I’m not stupid.”
“It is not a cult. And besides, you – ”
“I hate to interrupt,” said Violet, who had apparently emerged from the kitchen at some point during our argument. “I know how fond you both are of a good quarrel, but we have a guest. And if I were him, I’d be scared after seeing that. Honestly, I don’t know how Bruce puts up with you two sometimes.”
“He does enough of the silent thing to make up for the both of us,” Mum said.
“Well, the way I see it is that we do enough of the loud thing to make up for him being so quiet,” I said, “But I suppose it means the same thing.”
An hour later, the six of us were seated around the dinner table tucking into some elaborate pasta dish. When Tim excused himself from the table use the toilet, Mum gave him directions for the
upstairs bathroom. When he was safely out of earshot I spoke.
“Why didn’t you just tell him to go to the one at the end of the hallway?” I asked her.
“Because we need time to talk about him. Now, first things first: how well do you know him? Why did you bring him home with you?”
I sighed. “We met on Friday. I didn’t ‘bring him home’; he was just dropping me off. Violet ambushed him and scared him into staying. To tell the truth I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he climbed out the bathroom window to escape. I’m amazed Lea hasn’t left yet.”
Lea looked shocked. “Oh, this is nothing compared to dinner with Jeremy’s family. Like, I’m not saying you would be bad if I didn’t have that margin of comparison. You guys are great.” I suspected the reason she stayed had a little more to do with the Jag than the company, but I didn’t say anything.
“So,” Violet asked, “are all the guys at Baxter & Co. as hot as him?”
“Um,” I didn’t quite know how to answer that. “Some of them.” I’d only met three. Harry Baxter didn’t especially float my boat, but Impolite Young Man from the car park? Damn.
“Does that mean we’ll be having another one for dinner tomorrow night?” mum asked.
“Well,” I said, “that all depends if Violet takes another one hostage, I guess.”
Tim came back in then and everyone shut up instantly. He raised an eyebrow. Damn it. It seemed like everyone could raise one eyebrow except for me. Perhaps I should grow a mono-brow, I thought. Then I could raise one eyebrow. Unfortunately, I wasn’t born with a natural tendency towards mono-browism, so I would probably find it difficult to grow one. Also, the disadvantages of the mono-brow seemed to outweigh the positives.
He sat down next to me and leaned over to whisper in my ear. “I heard the whole conversation. I found the downstairs bathroom.”
“Do you enjoy eavesdropping?” I whispered back.
“Would I do it for a job if I didn’t?” he asked.
“Fair point.”
“Actually, I was kinda disappointed. You made it sound as though you didn’t want me to come home with you. I liked the part about me being hot, though. I’ll have to tell James that his mother has a crush on me.”
That got me smiling. “Yeah, but she might change her mind if she kidnaps someone else tomorrow.”
Tim frowned. “Who else are you going to bring home? Adam? Somehow I don’t know that he would actually stay for dinner.”
