by Cary Fagan
To Kathy Lowinger, in gratitude – C. F.
CHAPTER 1
nce there was a boy called Jacob Two-Two. He had two ears and two eyes and two arms and two feet and two shoes. He had two older sisters, Emma and Marfa, and two older brothers, Daniel and Noah. And they all lived in a rambling house on Kingston Hill, in Surrey, England.
He was called Jacob Two-Two because he was two plus two plus two years old. Also, because nobody in his family ever heard him the first time, so he had to say everything two times. Jacob Two-Two had become used to his name, but now he was beginning to worry about it.
Of course, worrying was a natural thing for Jacob Two-Two. He worried about whether he would be able to put toothpaste on his toothbrush without squeezing half the tube onto the floor. He worried that he would never be able to remember whether African elephants had bigger ears than Indian elephants, or whether it was the other way around. But worrying about his name was different. Soon, it would be Jacob Two-Two’s birthday. He wouldn’t be two plus two plus two years old anymore. He would be two plus two plus two … plus one. He was sure that his brothers and sisters, who thought it was great fun to tease him, would start to call him Jacob Two-Two Plus One!
He could just imagine it. “Jacob Two-Two Plus One, leave my toys alone!” Or “Jacob Two-Two Plus One, don’t touch that television channel!” How awful that would be! So in order to make sure that didn’t happen, Jacob decided something. He decided that he would have to get his brothers and sisters and his mother and father to forget his birthday this year. That was a pretty big sacrifice since it meant that he wouldn’t get any presents. But Jacob Two-Two decided that not being stuck with that ridiculous name was worth it. The only question was how? He brooded and brooded, but still he couldn’t come up with a plan to get his family to forget his birthday.
And then one day, exactly one month before Jacob’s birthday, his father and mother gathered them all together in the living room for an announcement. “Your mother and I have made a big decision,” Jacob’s father said. “It is time for us to return to my home and native land.”
“Where is that?” Jacob asked. “Where is that?”
His father unfurled a large map of the world. “That is this enormous pink country right here. Canada.”
“Canada?” said Daniel with a sneer. “Canada sucks!”
“I don’t want to move to Canada,” said Marfa. “My friends all live here.”
“Now, children, no whining,” said their father. “You’ll only prove to us that we’ve spoiled you. The decision has already been made. We’re going to move to Canada and live in the city of Montreal, where I grew up. The change will make you all better children. It will give you a sense of your roots. It will allow you to play ice hockey. And it will introduce you to the sublime taste of a smoked-meat sandwich.”
“Tell them the other reason why we’re returning,” said Jacob’s mother with a smile.
His father modestly lowered his eyes. “As you children know, my new and very important book has just been published. As a result, the prime minister of Canada, Perry Pleaser, is begging me to return. The simple truth is, my country needs me.”
“If that is England,” Jacob said, pointing to the small country that he recognized, “and that is Canada, then what is the blue in between? What is the blue?”
“Don’t you know anything?” said Emma. “That’s the Atlantic Ocean.”
“Do we have to swim to Canada?” asked Jacob. “Do we have to swim?” Not being a very strong swimmer was something else that worried Jacob.
“Of course not, my boy. We’re going on a ship!”
“An ocean liner!” said Daniel excitedly. “Is it one of those luxury ships? Is it the Queen Elizabeth II?”
“I’m afraid there were no tickets available on the Queen Elizabeth II,” said Jacob’s father. “But I’m sure the ship we’re going on is very nice. It’s called the SS Spring-a-Leak. Just think, kids, five days on the high seas. It’s going to be splendid. I plan to spend the whole time sitting in a deck chair, drinking pineapple juice and reading the newspapers.”
Jacob Two-Two wasn’t so sure that it would be splendid, but he decided not to say anything, as his brothers and sisters would only make fun of him. The one good thing was that they would be on the ship for his birthday. Maybe, just maybe, everybody would forget about it.
CHAPTER 2
verything that Jacob’s family owned had to be packed. Soon, the house was filled with boxes. There were boxes in the living room, boxes in the dining room, boxes in the kitchen, and boxes in all the bedrooms.
Jacob’s brothers and sisters found more interesting uses for them. Daniel and Marfa used two empty flattened boxes to slide down the stairs. “Get out of the way, Jacob!” Daniel called out. “We’re learning how to toboggan, like they do in Canada.”
“Can I try, can I try?” Jacob asked excitedly.
“You’re too little. Now move out of the way or you’re going to get knocked down. Yahoo!”
Jacob had to move fast because Daniel came whooshing down the stairs at breakneck speed. He wandered into the living room, where he found none other than the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole, otherwise known as Emma and Noah. The duo wore Day-Glo blue jeans and flying golden capes, and they had the spine-chilling Child Power emblem emblazoned on their chests. They were inside a large wardrobe box, hanging a flashlight from the cardboard ceiling and taping a transistor radio to the wall.
“What are you doing?” asked Jacob. “What are you doing?”
“We’re building our headquarters,” said the intrepid Shapiro.
“How neat. Can I come in? Can I come in?” Jacob asked.
“These headquarters are for superheroes only,” said the fearless O’Toole. “Are you a superhero?”
Jacob had to admit that he wasn’t. Head lowered, he walked slowly away – and bumped right into his mother.
“Well, young man,” she said. “I can see that you need something to do. How about you pack up your own toys?”
“I can do that, I can do that,” Jacob said.
“You must pack only what you really need,” his mother said. “You’ve got to decide what toys and games to take and what to leave behind.”
Jacob hurried up to his room, glad to have a big kid’s job to do. He stood among his stuffed animals, his toy cars and aeroplanes, his games and puzzles. How could he possibly decide what to take and what to leave behind? Did he need his Captain Crinkle secret decoder ring? Should he take his stuffed kangaroo with the missing eye? Jacob pondered these difficult questions. When he couldn’t come up with the answers, he decided to ask his father.
So many boxes filled the house that it took Jacob a long time to even find his father, who was lying on the sofa in the library, reading the news paper. When he saw Jacob, he put down the paper. “Son, perhaps I better tell you a few things about Canada,” his father said.
“Tell me, tell me.”
“First of all, the winter is very cold. It’s so cold that everyone has to carry an ice pick. That way, if your boots become frozen to the ground, you can chip yourself free.”
Jacob was astonished. “What else? What else?” he asked.
“You have to watch out for polar bears and mountain lions on the way to school. The polar bears will steal your lunch, but the mountain lions want your satchel of books. They’re very eager to learn. Now, at home, before you take a bath, you may have to remove a seal from the tub, which is quite hard to do because they’re so slippery. Don’t try to take your bath with the seal because it will be sure to hog the soap.”
Jacob was so amazed by these facts that he forgot what he had meant to ask his father. In the e
nd, it was his mother who ended up packing his toys. A big moving van came, and two hefty men took all the boxes out of the house. When at last they were finished, all that was left were seven small suitcases, one for each of them to take on the ship.
“Good-bye, house,” said Marfa.
“Farewell, England,” said Daniel.
“We hope you’ll be alright without us,” the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole said together.
Jacob Two-Two sniffled a little. He didn’t like leaving old things behind, and he didn’t like encountering new things. He felt his father’s hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t worry, Jacob. Everything will be fine.”
“Will it? Will it?” Jacob asked too quietly for anyone to hear. A black London taxicab pulled up to take them all to the port.
CHAPTER 3
s Jacob got out of the taxicab, he stared at the ship docked in the port. It was old and rusty and looked more like a big tugboat than a real ocean liner. The black letters spelling out the name SS Spring-a-Leak were chipped and faded.
“That’s our ship?” Daniel said, as the taxi drove away. “It’s a floating dump.”
“Well, it was the only ship available,” Jacob’s father said. “Now come on, kids, where’s your sense of adventure?”
“We forgot to pack it,” Marfa said.
Jacob’s parents went up the gangplank first, followed by Daniel and Marfa and Emma and Noah, and finally Jacob, pushing up his suitcase. At least, he was supposed to be pushing it up the gangplank. Mostly it appeared as though the suitcase was pushing him down. But at last he reached the deck, where a man in a bright, white uniform and cap stood at attention. He had blue eyes, blond hair, and an enormous dimple in his chin. His white teeth shone even brighter than his brass buttons.
“Welcome aboard!” said the man, smiling even more. “I’m Captain Sparkletooth. It’s my job to make sure that you have a smooth ride all the way. Without me, this ship can’t go anywhere. Yes, it takes great skill, knowledge, and courage to be the captain, not to mention good looks. It’s true that I got the lowest marks in my class at naval training school, but I was voted most handsome. For those of you who care to know about our route, we will be sailing in a northeast direction.”
“Excuse me, Captain,” said a short man in a blue uniform. “Actually, we’ll be sailing in a southwest direction.”
“Yes, of course. That’s what I meant. This is the ship’s first mate, Mr. Scrounger. I don’t have the foggiest idea why he’s called the first mate since there’s no second mate, but that’s how we do things on a boat.”
“ A ship, sir. We call it a ship.”
“Right, a ship. Now, if you’ll all go and put your suitcases into your rooms–”
“Cabins, sir.”
“I mean cabins. Meanwhile, I’ll go to the place where I, uh, drive the ship.”
“The wheelhouse.”
“What a funny name. Anyway, I’m going to go there and pull the whistle. It makes a wonderful tooting noise. Whenever I pull the whistle, the crew jumps into action, running every which way, climbing here and there. It’s wonderful to see. I get a kick out of it every time. Now, I hope you will dine at my table tonight. It’s a great honor to dine at the captain’s table, especially when he is as deliriously handsome as I am. Which reminds me – I haven’t looked at myself in a mirror for at least ten minutes. Until dinner then!”
The captain turned, took a step, and slipped on a coiled rope. It was a good thing that Mr. Scrounger was there to catch him. Jacob suspected that the first mate was used to catching the captain. Going down a winding metal staircase on the way to their cabins, Jacob heard the shrill toot! toot! of the whistle. Captain Sparkletooth must have really been enjoying himself.
Jacob Two-Two felt the ship slowly begin to move. They were heading out to sea!
CHAPTER 4
acob Two-Two soon discovered that the SS Spring-a-Leak didn’t attract just any ordinary passengers. On the deck, after unpacking his suitcase, Jacob met the Bubov Brothers, three acrobats who were on their way to join a circus. “Glad to meet you,” said the eldest brother.
“Very glad to meet you,” said the middle brother.
“Very, very glad to meet you,” said the youngest brother.
The Bubov Brothers didn’t walk along the deck. Instead, they each did a series of front handsprings, going head-over-heels. When one of them wanted to get a blanket to use on a deck chair, he simply leapt up and onto his brother’s shoulders to reach it.
Also on board was Percy Swishbottom and his ventriloquist dummy, Hector. Percy wasn’t a very good ventriloquist – he moved his own lips when Hector talked. “I’m still training him,” Hector the Dummy said, rolling his eyes to the back of his wooden head.
Jacob was even more interested in a man who wore a white-and-blue striped jacket and a porkpie hat. The man handed Jacob a small box. Jacob was startled when out of the box sprang a rubber snake with a card in its mouth. The card said
Jethro Peabody
Toy Inventor
I might have no hair, but I’m young at heart!
“Are you really a toy inventor?” Jacob asked. “Are you?”
“I certainly am,” Mr. Peabody said, doffing his hat to reveal a shiny, bald head. “Perhaps you know some of my inventions. For example, my underwater train set, my square basketball, and my exploding banjo.”
“No, I don’t know them,” Jacob said, hoping not to hurt the inventor’s feelings.
“Well, they weren’t as popular as I had hoped. How about my bicycle that transforms into a dentist’s chair?”
“Not that either. Not that either.”
“Well, just wait and see. My next invention – as soon as I think of it – will be a big hit. Why, it’ll be bigger than the hula hoop!”
But the person Jacob was most glad to meet was exactly his age and exactly his height. She had straight bangs, green eyes, and she wore a blue coat, a white hat, and shiny shoes with bows, just like a girl out of an old storybook. She came up to Jacob and said, “I’m Cynthia Francis Louise Snootcastle. But you can call me Cindy. What’s your name?”
“Jacob Two-Two.”
“Nice to meet you, Jacob Two-Two,” she said, shaking his hand. “Is this your first time on a ship?”
“Yes it is, yes it is.”
“You’re lucky. The first time is most special. This is my second. We came over three months ago, so that I could have finishing lessons.”
“Finishing lessons?” asked Jacob. “What are they? What are they?”
“That’s where you learn which fork to eat your salad with, how to curtsy when you meet a prince or a queen, and the proper way to laugh.”
“There’s a proper way to laugh?” Jacob asked in surprise.
“Oh, yes. You shouldn’t open your mouth too much or laugh too loudly. If you want to know the truth, finishing lessons are very boring. But you know what? I have a treasure in my pocket.”
“You do? You do?”
“Uh-huh. I haven’t shown it to anybody because it’s a secret. But I’ll show you.”
Jacob was very curious to see the treasure in Cindy’s pocket, but before she had a chance to show him, a woman came over and grasped Cindy by the arm. She was a big woman in a hat with peacock feathers and a fur collar on her coat.
“Cindy! Who are you talking to?”
“I’m speaking to Jacob Two-Two, Mother.”
Cindy’s mother looked down at Jacob. Then she turned and saw Jacob’s father, a tall glass with ice in one hand, settling down into a deck chair. “Hmmpf! Don’t tell me what they are. I can see very well for myself. They are upstarts. Johnny-come-latelies. They are people who have to work for a living. The Snootcastles associate with a higher class of people, Cindy, a much higher class!”
CHAPTER 5
t that moment, Jacob heard the tinkling of a bell. He saw the first mate, Mr. Scrounger, standing on the deck and shaking the bell. “All right, children,” he ann
ounced. “One of my duties is to make sure you kids have a good time. So this after-noon, we’re going to play shuffleboard and Ping-Pong.”
“I love Ping-Pong, I love Ping-Pong,” said Jacob. “Oh, those games are for the big kids,” said Mr. Scrounger with a glint in his eyes. “I’ve got something special for the smaller children.”
“Come on, Marfa, Noah, and Emma. Let’s head for the games room!” said Daniel.
So the big kids ran off, leaving Jacob and Cindy behind. Mr. Scrounger steered them forward. “This way, you two. Let’s go and have some extra-special fun.” He pushed them through a small metal door and shooed them down a winding iron staircase. They walked across the lower deck, where the sleeping cabins were, through another metal door, and down into the belly of the ship. It began to get warm. Jacob’s skin felt clammy. A grinding noise grew louder and louder; thumps and clangs added to the din.
“Are you sure that children are allowed down here?” Cindy asked.
“Of course I’m sure,” said Mr. Scrounger, who wasn’t smiling any longer. “Are you telling me that you aren’t having a grand time? Here’s the last door. Look out now, there will be a blast of hot air when I open it. But it’s nothing to worry about!”
Mr. Scrounger grasped the handle of the door with both hands and pushed with all his might. The door opened, and an awful, hot, sooty blast struck them all in the face. “Hurry up, I can’t hold this door all day!” growled Mr. Scrounger. Jacob grimaced as he and Cindy went through the door, followed by Mr. Scrounger. The door slammed behind them.
They were in the enormous engine room. Here, great wheels turned and iron shafts chugged up and down. In the center stood the engine that ran the ship. Its door was open and giant red flames could be seen inside. Beside the engine was a mountain of shining, black coal, and standing on top of the coal was a huge man. He wore dirty trousers and a ripped T-shirt. His big face strained with effort as he threw a shovelful of coal. When the coal hit the flames, it made them roar even higher.
