by Tawna Fenske
She nodded, gripping her dog’s leash tighter. “I do. I really do.”
…
Kayla seemed quiet on the drive back to the hotel. Or maybe she was just tired. Tony sure as hell felt it, though it was more from last night’s activities than the ones at the park.
“You’re smiling.” Kayla turned from the window to look at him. “That went pretty well, you think?”
“Yeah.” He scrubbed a hand over his chin. “It’s interesting, I guess. Learning someone else has such a different memory of how things went down. How it all ended.”
“That’s not how you remember it?”
He shrugged. “She’s not wrong. It’s just not the version of the story that gelled in my head.”
“That makes sense. Willa and I were talking last year about the first time we met. I have this vivid memory of reaching for the same anatomy text in the campus bookstore, but she’s convinced it happened at the café when we got stuck in line together behind a pack of frat boys who reeked of pot.”
Tony took his eyes off the road to glance at her. “So, who’s right?”
“That’s the thing—we don’t know. Our memories are different, and we can both concede that our version might not be accurate. It’s just interesting how two people can remember things so differently.”
“Yeah.” He glanced back at the road, hitting his blinker to turn into the hotel parking lot. “Why did you and I split up?”
“What?”
She sounded so startled that he waited until he’d parked and killed the engine to turn and face her. Their motel room was right outside, but Tony stayed put. “All these breakups we’ve been revisiting… We haven’t really talked about ours.”
“I—uh—guess you’re right.” Her brow furrowed. “I didn’t think it was that significant.”
“It is.” A helluva lot, he was beginning to realize.
Kayla took a deep breath and looked out the window again. “Well, things seemed like they were going great at first. We loved the same music. We had fun at Willa’s game nights. The sex was amazing.” She paused, cheeks pinkening a little. “It’s even better now, but it was pretty fantastic then.”
“Yeah,” he said, struggling not to let his brain derail on the sex stuff. “So what went wrong?”
“I guess I just started thinking those were more surface things,” she said. “The concerts, the dates, the hikes—we had a great time together, but we just weren’t connecting on the same level. Not like I saw Willa and Grady doing. Not on that bone-deep, feel-it-in-your-soul kinda way.”
Tony took a shaky breath and reached for her hand. “That was my fault,” he said. “I recognize that now, and I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t just that.” She hesitated.
“What? Lay it on me; my ego can take it.”
Kayla bit her lip. “Look, I want marriage and kids. I just do, and no matter how much I try to convince myself I’m happy just dating and having this great career and amazing friends, they don’t fill that void. I knew you’d never get there, so it made sense to move on.”
The words shouldn’t surprise him. They didn’t—not exactly. But they sure as hell stung.
What if I could get there?
He wanted to ask. Wanted desperately to know the answer.
But he was too fucking afraid.
“I’m sorry.” That was the best he could manage. “If I could go back and change things, I would.”
“I wouldn’t,” she said softly.
He tried not to feel that like a junk punch. Of course they had different experiences. Of course she didn’t want to be stuck in a relationship with him. He reached for the door handle, combing his brain for a smart-ass joke to lighten the mood.
“No, Tony, that’s not what I meant.” She squeezed his hand, and he stopped moving. “I just meant that you and I have changed and grown so much in the past year.” She laughed, and he felt his heart breathe a sigh. “Hell, in the last couple weeks. The people we were back then weren’t really compatible, were they?”
He shook his head, understanding now. “Yeah. You’re right.”
A new thought formed in his head. What if the people they’d come to be were more compatible? What if they really could try again?
What if he had the balls to ask?
“I need to run.” Kayla reached for the door handle and smiled at him.
Tony frowned. “Where?”
“No, I mean I need to run—for exercise. It’s been a few days, and I can practically feel my muscles atrophying.”
Her muscles looked pretty perfect to him, but he nodded. “I’ve got some stuff I want to do.”
“Yeah?”
He laughed. “Okay, I’m lying. I want a nap. You wore me out last night.”
She grinned and hopped out of the Jeep. “How about we meet up again around four to head out to the forest. That’s if you’re still game for some sunset shots.”
“Definitely,” he said. “And dinner afterward. There’s this great diner I want you to see.”
“The one with waffles you told me about? I can’t wait.”
“It’s a date.” He flinched at his own words, but Kayla didn’t. She just strode ahead of him, dark hair trailing behind, leaving him in her wake.
What if?
His brain asked the question he couldn’t bring himself to say out loud. But maybe he could. Maybe tonight.
…
He woke from his nap to the sound of Kayla’s voice. Blinking in the semi-darkness, it took him a minute to realize where he was.
Alone in the hotel bed, yes. Apparently, he’d fallen asleep in his clothes. But what time was it? And who was Kayla talking to?
“You are brave and capable.”
Silence. Which would be an asshole response for an in-person conversation, so she must be on the phone. Light seeped through the cracks at the edges of the bathroom door, which wasn’t fully closed. Tony lay still, wondering if he should make a quiet exit to give her some privacy.
“You can do anything you set your mind to.”
Tony frowned, picturing who might be on the other end of the line. Willa, maybe? But no, she and Grady left just hours ago for Australia and would be out of phone range all day. Maybe one of her sisters?
“You are beautiful both inside and out.” A pause, then the sound of something clattering on the counter. “Except the gross mascara rings under your eyes because you never stop rubbing them or smashing them against a camera. And seriously, what the hell is happening with your hair? It’s like you’ve been electrocuted.”
Realization dawned as he propped himself up on one elbow to rub the sleep from his eyes. She was doing the self-affirmation thing. Shit, he really shouldn’t be here. He didn’t know much about how the whole mirror exercise was supposed to work, but wasn’t it meant to be private?
He sat up silently, hoping to slip out without detection. He could go grab a snack at the gas station across the street, or maybe walk Fireball.
Kayla’s voice halted him in his tracks. “You’re such a dumbass. First you suck at meditation, and now you can’t get this right? How hard can it be?”
He sat frozen on the edge of the bed, wondering if he should say something. If he should still flee the room. It didn’t appear to be going well, but that didn’t mean she needed his interjection.
“You spend all this time yammering about self-improvement and the damn books you’re reading,” she continued. “But you can’t even get it together to face your own family. To face the fact that you’re alone and they’re not. You’re just talking to hear yourself talk, and no one really gives a shit if—”
“I give a shit.”
The words slipped out, and he wanted to kick himself. He held his breath, waiting for her to snap at him. He deserved it, interrupting her ritual like this. Eavesdropping
like some kind of creeper.
On the other side of the door, he heard her take a breath. “Thank you. These affirmations aren’t as easy as I thought.”
He hesitated, waiting for her to tell him to get lost. Or maybe he should offer to go.
“Can I help?”
A fluttery laugh echoed from the other side of the door. “Help with my self-affirmation? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?”
Her words tipped up at the end, tinged with hope and uncertainty. Tony slid off the bed, his bare feet shuffling across the carpet. He made his way to the door of the bathroom, telling himself this was dumb. She didn’t need him. She didn’t need anyone.
But as his hand touched the edge of the door, it creaked open two more inches. He still couldn’t see her—not fully. But her left arm flashed in a sliver of mirror, so that’s where he put his focus.
“You have strong arms,” he said. “Which is weird, since I know you don’t lift weights. But you lug that heavy camera bag everywhere, and I know you do yoga, and I’ve always dug the hell out of how sexy your arms are.”
He closed his eyes, annoyed with himself for focusing on something physical. She was so much more than that, and wasn’t this exercise meant to be about what was on the inside?
“Thank you.” Her response from the other side of the door was almost a whisper. “Am I supposed to repeat that?”
“Maybe. What does the book say?”
“Yeah. Yes.” She cleared her throat. “I have strong arms. I can carry heavy camera bags or do an hour of power vinyasa without breaking a sweat. My arms are powerful and capable and part of who I am as a woman.”
That sounded a lot better than whatever the fuck he’d said. “Perfect.”
She fell silent again, which seemed like Tony’s cue to go. He started to back up, then stopped. “You’re also funny as hell.”
No response from the other side of the door, but the sliver of her body he could see had gone motionless. As he watched, her hand lifted, stopping somewhere near her heart to rest. Did that mean he should keep going?
“I don’t think you realize it sometimes, but you have the best sense of humor. You can slay me with just a tiny little half smile or the way you lift one eyebrow to say ‘what the actual fuck?’ even if you’re not saying a word. And at game night, when we’re at Willa’s—I’ve never seen anyone who can have the whole room rolling on the floor during charades.”
Silence. Then movement inside. Her hand reached out to pull the door open, revealing her standing there in a black bra and panties.
“Holy shit.” His jaw fell open, and he had to physically force his mouth closed. “I mean—sorry. I didn’t know you were—uh—”
“It’s okay.” She smiled a bit sheepishly. “Not like it’s anything you haven’t seen before.”
“Right.” But he hadn’t—not like this. The bright lights of the bathroom cast her in a golden glow, and she stood with her shoulders back and hair loose and wild. So different from how he usually saw her spread back against the sheets, her head propped on a pillow. “You are so fucking stunning.”
She laughed, hair falling over one eye. “Thank you.”
He hesitated, then stepped into the bathroom behind her. He gave her a chance to say no, to tell him this was her sacred space. A solitary ritual. Instead, she met his eyes in the mirror and smiled. “I’m not very good at this.”
“I think you’re amazing.” He traced a hand down her rib cage, making her shudder. “I love the way you laugh. I love how your left eye is just a little bit bluer than the other. I love how you always know exactly what you want when you order at restaurants and how you see things in nature that I’d never in a million years spot without you.”
He moved his other hand over her hip, earning a soft little moan. That sound was all he needed to keep going. “I love how soft your skin is. And your hair.” He skimmed his hand up over her shoulder, sliding his fingers into the strands of silk. “I love that you’re a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter. You’re such a good person, and you don’t even realize it, which kills me.”
She laughed, but her breath caught in her throat as his hand moved over her breast. “I love that you’re so sensitive. Not just this.” He swirled a thumb over her nipple and watched her arch against him in the mirror. “But here.” He placed a hand over her heart, the swell of her breast soft beneath his palm. “I love how fiercely you love your dog. I love how deeply you care about your friends. I love how passionate you are about your art.”
Watching their reflections in the mirror, Tony traced both palms down her sides, taking his time to memorize her curves. The dip of her waist, the flare of her hips, the curve of her backside. Kayla moaned and pressed back against him, letting her head fall to his chest. He held her up, cushioning her body with his.
He hadn’t meant for this to turn sexual. Hadn’t meant to be here at all. But here they both were, eyes locked in the mirror, breath coming faster.
“Tony,” she breathed, shifting against him.
“Yeah?”
“I want you.”
The words speared straight through him. He breathed in and out, timing his breaths with hers. Eyes still locked with hers in the mirror, he nodded once. “Let me go get a c—”
“Let’s skip the condom.”
He blinked. “What?”
“You had your end-of-season physical before we left, right?”
He nodded, hardly daring to breathe. “All clear.”
“Same,” she murmured. “And I’m on the pill.”
“I’ve never—” He shook his head, not wanting to say anything dumb. “My whole life, I’ve—I’ve been safe. I haven’t ever—”
“I want to,” she murmured. “With nothing between us. Please.”
He nodded, palms still cupping her hips.
Kayla smiled in the mirror, then turned in his arms and reached for his fly. “Let me.” Tugging his shirt from his jeans, she drew it up and pulled it over his head. He lifted his arms to make it easier, tossing the shirt aside as she worked on his jeans. “There,” she breathed, drawing them down and off in a display of fancy footwork that left both of them unstable.
Then she turned again, pressing her spine to his belly so they both faced the mirror. “I want to watch,” she murmured, smiling as she met his eyes. “I don’t want to miss anything.”
“Jesus Christ.” His brain went dizzy as he struggled to decide whether to leave on her bra and panties.
But he wanted to see her, wanted nothing between them in this moment. Slowly, he peeled the black lace down her hips, kissing the curve of her backside as he drew her panties to the floor. When he rose again, he took his time unhooking her bra, letting the lace fall from her breasts so she stood naked before him.
“You’re unreal,” he murmured. “So stunning.”
She laughed and pressed her backside into him, moving against his hard shaft. Her eyes never left his. “I’ve never done this before.”
He wasn’t sure what she meant but couldn’t speak to ask.
“The mirror,” she supplied, grazing him again with her tailbone. “All the lights blazing. I’ve never been this—exposed.”
“Same,” he said, though he wasn’t talking about the same thing. He’d never felt this open, this vulnerable, this seen by a woman whose body he was about to enter. “This was number one, by the way.”
She blinked at him in the mirror. “What?”
“My fantasy list. The number-one thing.”
“Oh.” She smiled. “Without the condom? Or you mean the mirror?”
He nodded because he’d lost his train of thought, groaning as she pressed back against him. Also, that wasn’t it. The mirror, the lack of a condom, sure—those were on his fantasy list. But his real number one?
Making love to a woman he loved deeply, truly, mad
ly.
This. This was his number-one fantasy.
Eyes flickering with heat, Kayla leaned forward on her elbows, tipping her ass back against him. “Tease me with it.” She didn’t wait for him to figure out what she meant. Reaching back, she grabbed his shaft and guided the head to her slippery cleft.
He groaned as she dragged him through the wetness, hissing out a breath as she teased him. “Like that,” she whispered, holding his gaze with hers. “Just the tip.”
He’d never felt anything like this in his life. The slick heat, the teetering on the edge of something so big, so raw. Shifting his hips, he drew himself along the liquid line of her center, taking his time.
Kayla moaned and closed her eyes as he released one of her hips and slid his hand between her legs. She gasped as he dipped a finger inside her, then traced a slick path to her clit. As he rolled it under his thumb, her eyes flew wide and met his again.
“Oh, fuck,” she breathed. “Just like that.”
She was moving against him, squirming so he slid deeper into her. Not all of him, just another half inch or so. He gritted his teeth, using every ounce of restraint to keep from plunging all the way in. This moment was for savoring. He wanted her to set the pace, to call the shots.
Still teasing her with his fingers, he let one hand slide up to cup her breast. “You’re perfect,” he rumbled, teasing her nipple with his thumb. “So perfect.”
“Tony.” She moaned and drew him in deeper, gasping as he slid into her. “Please,” she panted. “No more teasing. Take me hard.”
He didn’t need to be asked twice. Releasing her breast, he palmed her hip and pulled her back against him. Burying himself to the hilt, he quickened his touch on her clit, circling the way he knew she loved it.
“You’re so tight,” he groaned. “So wet. I never knew it could be like this.”
But he wasn’t talking about condom-less sex. It was all of this. The heat in her eyes, the fusion of their bodies, the certainty that something big had shifted between them. That it would never be the same again.
“Kayla,” he groaned, closing his eyes to buy himself more time. If he couldn’t see her perfect body, maybe he wouldn’t come so fast. “Have to slow down. Make it las—”
