* * * *
This was…a literal miracle. Ivan had lived most of his entire adult life up to this point assuming he would never be a partner to anyone, much less a father.
And now, here he was.
After the second video finished, he realized how close he was sitting to Ron when he looked up into the man’s face and found Ron’s gaze focused on him. That’s when Ivan became aware of the arm draped around him.
He didn’t exactly want to move, definitely didn’t want to shake him off.
Except this…couldn’t happen.
Could it?
Definitely shouldn’t.
Except…they were going to be fathers together.
“Welcome to the family,” Ron said with a raised eyebrow and quirky smile that made Ivan’s breath catch in his throat and his pulse skip.
“Thanks.”
“How’s your family going to react?”
The cold, black void threatened. He sat up, not quite leaning away from Ron, but the man withdrew his arm from around Ivan. “I don’t have one,” he said.
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Not your fault. I’ll be right back.” He blindly stood and headed down a hallway he assumed led to bedrooms. There was a bathroom right off the hall, and he locked himself in. With his arms braced against the counter, he stared into the mirror.
I can’t do this.
I have to do this.
I want to do this.
I can’t do this.
He turned on the sink and let it run while he fumbled the knife out of his pocket. Then he unfastened his slacks and shoved them down. With the knife in his left hand and his teeth clenched, he punched himself in the left thigh with the butt end of it, adding more red marks to the purple ones already mottling his flesh.
Pain jolted through him, finally allowing him to breathe, to think.
To focus.
He pulled his pants up and put the knife away, then washed his face and hands.
His right fingers trailed down the front of his right thigh, pausing over the dressing hidden beneath his slacks.
He pressed, hard, until a gasp broke free, followed by a shuddering, deep breath as his brain temporarily settled in place again.
There.
He returned to the living room to find Ron standing there, waiting, and Kimbra and Eve waiting in the dining room. “Let’s go eat, buddy,” Ron said. He held one arm out to him, beckoning.
Knowing he shouldn’t, knowing it could lead to being exposed as the faker he was, he allowed Ron to drape his arm around him and guide him to a seat at the table. Ron took the one next to him, and Eve and Kimbra sat opposite them, with Eve directly across from Ivan.
The savory stew smelled wonderful, and ladled over rice, with a salad on the side, it was delicious. For once, he didn’t have to force himself to eat.
It was also the first home-cooked meal he’d had in years.
“Ron’s an electrician,” Eve said to Ivan once they were all eating. “He works for Kimbra’s father.”
“Yeah,” Ron said. “Which adds a degree of difficulty to the ultimate reveal.”
“What do you mean?” Ivan asked, glad to get the conversational topic pointing in any direction except his.
“Our families don’t know yet,” Kimbra said.
“Which is something we need to discuss and settle tonight,” Eve added.
“Settle?” Ivan asked.
“Our story,” Kimbra said. “Would you be okay fibbing to everyone that this was planned? Maybe let us imply it was IVF or something?”
Ivan nodded. “Sure.”
“All cards on the table,” Kimbra said. “I’m going to need all your information tonight.”
“What kind of information?”
“Social security number, all of that.”
“Why?”
“Because, boo, I might be carrying your child, but I need to know more about you. I’m going to run a credit check and background.”
Ivan kept his focus on his food. “I’m broke. I really don’t have any credit, but go ahead.”
“Fair’s fair,” Eve said. “You can run checks on all of us, too.”
He shrugged, refusing to look up, the effects of earlier already wearing off under the stress. He knew he couldn’t excuse himself right then, either. “I don’t need to.”
“Also,” Kimbra said, “if we end up moving you in with us—which I really want to do—I need to know more about you first.”
He finally made himself look up and meet her gaze. Her blue eyes were gorgeous, a different shade than Ron’s.
I wonder if our baby will have her blue eyes or my green ones?
* * * *
Kimbra watched Ivan, and watched Ron watching Ivan.
That is a smitten man.
Ron, not Ivan.
Ivan looked like he was having a hard time functioning, much less being able to focus and flirt.
“I think I’m still trying to let this sink in,” Eve admitted.
“Welcome to the great unknown, baby girl,” Kimbra said.
“Maybe it’s not the great unknown,” Ivan softly said. “Maybe it’s the really-sucks-ass unknown.”
“What are you really afraid of?” Ron asked him.
It took Ivan a long time to reply. “I don’t know. And I don’t even know everything that I don’t know.”
“Welcome to life as a functional adult.”
“I don’t feel so functional right now, much less like an adult.”
Kimbra hoped they hadn’t screwed up introducing the two men. She could already see Ron formulating ways in his mind to take charge of Ivan. Ron was a fixer, a helper, a nurturing guy.
Ivan was a ready-made project for him to jump into, with an adorable wrapper. Maybe perfect timing for Ron, considering it looked like Meri would be moving in with Wynn fairly soon. Without his sister to focus on, Ron would be…adrift.
She did wish she could cheer Ivan up. On the one hand, he seemed to be the good kind of shocked about becoming a father, but…yeah. The fragility. She got it. Not a hint of toxic masculinity there, though. Like there were some really bad emotional triggers that had all been hit at once.
“The other reason we need to have some hard talks about financials,” Kimbra said, “is because I want to know what your income is like. I have no interest in driving you into bankruptcy. That’s why we all need to spend time together. I meant it when I said we’d like to see if we could move you in with us. Except that means we need to know we’re all going to get along first.”
Ivan nodded. “I want to try to work toward that. Whatever you need from me.”
“Good. You know, there are friends of ours who have a non-traditional family structure. The man and his ex-wife, and their daughter, and the ex-wife’s new husband, their infant son, and the man’s new husband. They all co-parent both children together and share a house.”
Furrows wrinkled Ivan’s brow. “They do?”
“Quite successfully. This house wouldn’t be big enough to do that in, though. Not for long. We’d need to discuss future options once we reach that point.”
Ivan nodded, and Ron watched him.
Ron watched Ivan with the intensity of a dog watching a human eating a cheeseburger while praying to all the doggy gods that their human would drop it.
From this point forward, Kimbra could only hope that neither man got his heart broken.
* * * *
Once they finished dinner, and the men had helped the women clear the table, they gathered in the living room again.
Ivan wasn’t so out of it that he missed how Eve and Kimbra deliberately positioned Ron next to him on the couch.
Ron was a handsome guy, and definitely someone he could see himself being with. From the way Ron leaned in close, his arm around Ivan, he could tell the man wasn’t exactly repulsed by him.
If only he knew.
They all exchanged contact info with Ivan, too, so he had everyone’s cell
numbers, e-mail, and other information. Ron sent him the DropBox link for the two videos, and Ivan wasted no time downloading them to his phone.
It was still hard to process that he was going to be a father.
Maybe another man would demand DNA proof, but he wasn’t one of those kinds of men. He sincerely doubted Kimbra was lying about this. It was too crazy, too out-there.
And it wasn’t like Kimbra wanted to have a baby in the first place.
Somehow, I’m going to have to learn how to pretend to be a functioning adult.
“How did you decide to become a doctor?” Eve asked him.
With all three of them now focused on him, he knew it’d be rude to refuse to answer, and lying was out of the question.
Fuck it. They’d probably come to hate him soon enough anyway.
“I wanted to help people. I was a premie. I spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital when I was little. Seemed like I’d get sick at the drop of a hat. My grandmother mostly took care of me. I was really close to her.”
“What about your parents?” Eve asked.
“My mom died when I was in college.”
“What about your father?”
A shudder rippled through him. “He died when I was fourteen, thank god.”
“What happened?” Ron asked.
Ivan thought about it and realized he couldn’t talk about it yet. “Not tonight, please. I can’t tonight.”
“It’s okay, buddy.” Ron enveloped him in a hug Ivan realized he didn’t want to free himself from. “You don’t have to tell us tonight. But it’s something I do want to hear at some point.”
“I can only handle so much at one time. I’m at my stress limit. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize. All we need is for you to communicate.”
Ivan wanted to believe it was that easy, but knowing human nature, he suspected it wasn’t.
If it was, he would have let Porter stay in his life.
And he’d had plenty of proof in his past that people he let too close could hurt him the most.
Chapter Nineteen
They sat and talked for a little while longer. At least something could shove Ron’s brain into a different gear for a while and take his mind off the fact that he was going to be a father.
He desperately worried about Ivan, wanted to hold the other man, reassure him everything would be okay. Kimbra had warned Ron there was something going on with the guy, but this…
This worried him.
There was a vast ocean of grief settled deep within Ivan’s beautiful green eyes that truly made Ron fear for the guy. Like maybe he was close to breaking.
“I don’t think you should be alone tonight, buddy,” Ron said.
Ivan didn’t meet his gaze. “I’ll be okay,” he quietly said.
But the tone in which he said it meant he’d be anything but.
“Nooo, that doesn’t sound like you will. You’re coming home with me tonight. I’ll drive.”
“I have to work tomorrow.”
“We’ll bring your car over to Ron’s for you,” Kimbra offered. Ron wanted to hug her when she held her hand out and waggled her fingers at Ivan. “Gimme your keys.”
“I don’t have clothes or anything. I can’t stay at his place.”
“Fine,” Ron said, “I’ll drive you to your place, we’ll pick up whatever you need for in the morning, then I’ll take you back to my house. Meri won’t be home tonight. You can have my bed, and I’ll sleep in her room. I won’t take no for an answer.”
“Neither will I,” Kimbra said.
“I concur,” Eve added. “Motion carries.”
Ivan finally looked up, at all of them, and seemed to fold in on himself. He nodded.
Ron held his hand out. “Keys, buddy. Now.”
He produced them and handed them to Ron. Ron still couldn’t get over how delicate and beautiful his hands looked, long nimble fingers, probably great at what he did.
Ron removed the car keys and key fob from the key ring and passed them to Kimbra before pocketing the rest. “I’ll send you a text when we leave his place and head to mine,” Ron said.
She nodded.
He draped an arm around Ivan’s shoulders and steered him toward the door. Because of the difference in their height, and Ivan’s much slimmer build, it was impossible for Ron to miss the contrast between them.
Or how perfect Ivan felt against him.
Not.
Tonight.
The guy was definitely emotionally fragile. It was something Ron knew he would get to the bottom of eventually, after earning his trust.
It wasn’t just about them now. It was about their children. He needed to know the guy would be okay co-parenting their kids.
Ron opened the passenger door for him and waited until he was sure Ivan was tucked in to close it. “Where are we going?” Ron asked when he was behind the wheel and had it started.
Ivan quietly gave him directions and Ron didn’t try to make the guy talk on the way there. The apartment complex wasn’t the best in the world, but at least it wasn’t so bad he would demand the guy move immediately.
Instead of letting Ivan go up alone, Ron kept the man’s keys and walked up with him, unlocking the door for him. He found it telling that Ivan didn’t even try to take his keys back, accepted Ron taking charge of him.
The Dom inside Ron perked right up at all of that and thought that was a damn spiffy turn of events, even if Ron’s logic brain desperately tried to pull the emergency brake.
When they stepped inside and Ivan turned on the light, Ron paused after closing the door behind him. “Where’s the rest of it?”
“This is it. It’s a studio. It’s all I needed and could afford.” Ivan walked into what Ron assumed was the bathroom and grabbed a couple of things.
It wasn’t just small, it was spartan. That made it appear even more bare, somehow.
The guy’s queen-sized bed was neatly made with a blanket and three regular pillows, the mattress perched upon a plain metal bed frame tall enough to keep plastic storage tubs underneath. A small, cheap-ass two-person table and chairs, a dresser that held a TV.
That was…
That was it.
The alcove holding the bed probably should have a curtain or divider or something, but it didn’t. The place felt…empty.
Impersonal.
No pictures on the off-white walls. No knick-knacks. Hell, the hotel rooms at the Toucan weren’t much bigger and had far more personality than this apartment possessed.
The kitchen was not only clean, it looked like he might not even have anything in it, from the fact that there was nothing on the counters.
Absolutely nothing.
While Ivan packed an overnight bag, Ron stepped into the kitchen and opened a couple of cupboards at random. It took a third try to actually find two coffee mugs, a bowl, and a plate, none of which matched each other. Then Ron opened the fridge. Nearly empty, it held a few staple items like milk, eggs, and ketchup.
When he opened the freezer, he found it crammed with at least a dozen chicken pot pies. Not even good pot pies, like the Marie Callender’s ones. Ivan had the el cheapo, suck-ass three-for-a-dollar ones.
Ron couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Dude, what’s this?”
Ivan looked. “What?”
Ron pointed. “You live off these things?”
Ron immediately regretted not gentling his tone when Ivan looked away. “I usually have a salad for lunch in the cafeteria. I don’t eat breakfast here because I might be in surgery first thing and I have a…schedule. I can’t leave a patient because I have to go to the bathroom. During the week, if I eat breakfast, I’ll grab something at the hospital.” He zipped his bag and shouldered it. “I’m ready.”
Ron let the freezer swing shut, but he walked over to Ivan and held out his hand. After a long moment, Ivan exhaled and finally handed the bag over.
“Come on,” Ron gently said. “Let’s get you to back to my
place.”
* * * *
Ivan didn’t know why he wasn’t fighting harder.
Or…at all.
Wait, he did.
It was easier to go along than trying to fight. It wasn’t like they were hurting him. They were trying to help. They thought they were helping.
They didn’t know him. At all.
Even through his pain, he recognized their actions came from a place of concern and caring on his behalf. He’d never had so many people focused on him at once, concerned about him and wanting to help.
They seemed determined to help him, and he couldn’t argue against all of them at the same time. Especially not when they’d provided such a united front.
Unlike with Porter, who’d been one man and willing to hang back and give him space.
Which made it far easier to tell him no.
Ron’s house sat in an older neighborhood, but Ivan would have killed to own something as nice. Again, Ron wouldn’t let him carry his bag. They were heading up the walk when they heard cars arriving. Kimbra had driven Ivan’s car, and both women got out and joined them on the front porch, where Kimbra made a point of handing the keys to Ron, not Ivan.
“You listen to him,” she gently scolded Ivan. “You hear me?”
He nodded. “Yes, ma’am.” He couldn’t help it, it felt comfortable calling her that, mother-to-be of his child or not.
“Oh, sweetie.” She hugged him. “He’s a really good guy,” she whispered in Ivan’s ear. “If I didn’t trust him, I wouldn’t have let him bring you here. Let him take care of you.”
He nodded as she released him.
After a hug from Eve, the women departed and Ron led Ivan inside, straight to the master bedroom.
Ron set Ivan’s bag down on the bed. “What can I get for you?”
“I need to take a shower,” Ivan said, hoping Ron would leave him alone long enough he could take care of some…things.
Ron sat on the edge of the bed and patted the mattress next to him, on his left. Ivan sat and knew he’d have to hear the man out.
It wasn’t helping that yes, he was attracted to Ron. Under other circumstances, he’d be eagerly chatting him up, loving the attention from him.
Blue Motel Room Page 15
