by Tara Sivec
“Best thing about you right now, at least you still have the most beautiful damn legs I’ve ever seen. Too bad you chose to stop using them.”
“Your sister had no idea what she was doing there, didn’t know anything about the two of you. Knew you’d left a letter behind for Shelby and assumed it was a letter of resignation from the stables,” Meredith goes on. “Handed that piece of shit good-bye letter over and shut the door in her face. It was raining pretty hard that night, and she was upset. She’ll tell you until she’s blue in the face it was all her fault. She’d been crying, she wasn’t paying attention, she was going too fast, but that’s bullshit. There’s only one reason she was crying and not paying attention.”
Because of me. Because of me and that fucking letter I wrote her. No good-bye, no real explanation, if I wanted my sister to finish college and continue to have a roof over her head, and Shelby to have her dance career, I just had to leave and forget the police report I’d seen. I had to make it so Shelby wouldn’t ask questions and she wouldn’t try to come after me. Telling her I was in love with someone else was the only way I knew how to guarantee that. The only way I knew for sure that she would hate me and want nothing to do with me, move on with her life, forget about me and have the future she’d always dreamed of.
I’d rather be anywhere but here right now. I’d rather be back in that hellhole getting the shit kicked out of me than standing here in front of the wreckage I made of Shelby’s life.
“She hydroplaned, lost control of the car, and slammed into a truck. The force of that collision sent her off the road and slamming into a tree,” Meredith explains.
I can hear the tears in her voice and I see out of the corner of my eye as she wipes the wetness off her cheek and continues talking while staring at the car in front of us.
“When she hit the tree, it pinned her leg against the door. They called it a comminuted femur fracture—the bone was broken into more than two distinct fragments,” Meredith explains through her tears, which have now turned into full-on sobs as she spits out the words that make me wish I could take back everything I’d said to Shelby.
“You didn’t move on, you fucking gave up!”
My knees give out and I fall to the wet grass, pressing my hands into the ground to keep my body up when all I want to do is curl up and die, knowing all the hateful things I said to her.
“Goddammit, how could you throw it all away?”
“Parts of the door broke off, slicing right through her thigh,” Meredith continues to speak. “Those parts cut off the blood flow to her leg.”
I sit back on my legs and bring my hands up to my face, trying to block out all the images racing through my mind of Shelby driving that car. Shelby crying and upset because of that fucking note I left behind. Shelby losing control and being in pain. Shelby losing everything because of me. Because I tried to stand up to her mother and it backfired. Because I wrote her a note and broke her heart, thinking I had no other choice.
“She had two emergency surgeries to fix the artery, and had to wait two weeks before they could try and fix the fracture,” Meredith explains through her tears. “For a while they thought they might have to take the leg because it had atrophied so badly. Then, weren’t even sure she’d be able to walk again.”
“Best thing about you right now, at least you still have the most beautiful damn legs I’ve ever seen. Too bad you chose to stop using them.”
I claw and clutch at my hair to try and get my words to stop, but they won’t go away. I said them to her with such anger and disgust that it sickens me. Even while I said them to her, I saw the devastated look on her face but it didn’t register. I just wanted to hurt her because it hurt me so much that I came home and the woman I loved wasn’t there.
This is why. This pile of broken metal is why. I left her alone and I left her broken and then I came home and accused her of giving up. She stood there in front of me, so proud and trying so hard not to let it show how much my words must have cut like a knife. My words would have killed her. She wanted to dance more than anything else in this world and I yelled all that stupid shit about throwing it all away. I fucking yelled at her.
I hear Meredith move across the grass and I drop my hands from my head as she squats down next to me. Our eyes meet and I’m sure we both have similar looks of grief since I can still see the tears falling down her cheeks and my heart feels like it’s breaking in two.
“I know you went through a lot of shit while you were gone,” she tells me softly. “Shit I can’t even comprehend, and I’m sorry for that. But Shelby went through a lot, too. She’s still going through a lot, so give her a fucking break. She’s excellent at hiding her pain, pretending like she’s fine, but she is not fine. She is not okay. She’s going to kill me when she finds out I told you about this, but I don’t care. Because she. Is not. Okay. I don’t like you very much for what you did to her when you left and I really don’t like you very much for what you did to her tonight, but I can’t keep standing around, watching her do this to herself. Jesus, do you know how hard it is to stand by and watch your best friend just give up? She’s the most important person in my life, Eli, and she’s killing me. She’s breaking my heart.”
Meredith quickly swipes at the tears that have fallen down her cheeks as she stands up and I push myself from the ground to stand next to her, both of our eyes moving to the car, even though I know neither of us want to look at it anymore and have to think about what happened inside of it.
“There are things going on in that house that you don’t understand. Things I don’t even understand,” Meredith whispers. “I know I shouldn’t be such a bitch to you, when I actually have a shoe box full of proof that you really did care about her, but I can’t help it. She’s my best friend and that’s my job. I don’t like you very much, Eli, but the only time I have seen any kind of spark in our girl’s eye in the last six years was when she was out on that dance floor with you tonight. Get your shit together, quit being a dick to her, and bring her back.”
She turns and walks away from me and I hear her car door open and close. I take a few quiet minutes and force myself to continue looking at the car and wish I could go back in time. Wish I could take away all of her hurt and pain and especially take away all the things I accused her of.
I’d go through a thousand more years of hell just to erase this from her life.
I’d die a thousand deaths just to make it so that accident never happened.
With one final glance, I turn and walk back to Meredith’s car and she drives me back to Kat and Daniel’s house in silence.
I’ll get my shit together and I’ll bring her back.
Goddammit, I will bring her back because I can’t live in a world where Shelby Eubanks isn’t okay.
Chapter 12
Shelby
You’re losing focus, and your little dance tonight in front of all of Charleston forced me into a corner. You have no idea what you’ve done.”
My mother slams a drawer closed, glaring at me over the top of her desk. I refuse to fidget or show her any sign of weakness. I meet her stare head-on as she continues berating me.
“You have no idea how much trouble I went through to bring that man home. I hope you realize that with a snap of my fingers, he can be hauled back to Washington and his involvement in the explosion can still be brought into question again,” she informs me.
I’ve heard these threats a hundred times before. Words meant to scare me and keep me in line. My folded hands resting in my lap start to shake and I squeeze them more tightly together, wishing I could tell her to go to hell, but I can’t. I didn’t spend all these years stuck under her thumb and miserable just to screw it all up by being defiant now.
“I understand, Mother. It was just a dance. A dance with a veteran, at a charity function for veterans,” I remind her.
“Don’t get smart with me. You have no idea what you’ve done,” she mutters again, shaking her head at me.
I
’ve done nothing but what she’s asked of me, again and again, at the cost of my own happiness, but she doesn’t care. All she cares about is that Eli didn’t give a shit about showing up at one of her charity events. She couldn’t stand the idea that he wasn’t afraid of her and what she could do to him, and I wish I had half of his confidence.
“I’m telling you this for the last time. Stay away from him, or everything I’ve said will become a reality. Do you understand me?”
I understand you’re a cruel human being. I understand just how little you really care about me. I understand you’ll do whatever it takes to get what you want, even if it means your only daughter suffers in the process.
“Yes. I understand. Are we finished here?”
I push myself up from the chair in front of her desk without waiting for a reply. I turn and walk away, ignoring her when she says my name as I keep moving right out the door of her office, down the hall into the foyer, and out the front door.
A few hours later, as I stand in the living room of the guest house staring over at the stables, my mother’s words won’t stop ringing in my ears.
Meredith has been sitting on the couch ever since I walked through the door, grilling me about what happened when she found me in the office and I’ve tried to brush it off, but she’s not buying it. She’s not buying anything I’ve tried to explain away to her since she’s been here.
“I don’t understand why you won’t just talk to me, Shelby,” she tells me softly as I turn from the window and look over my shoulder at her.
How can I explain anything to her when she’ll never understand? She never liked Eli all that much when we were together and happy, and she definitely didn’t like him after he left me that note and I had the accident. Trying to explain to her that I’ve stayed here in Charleston, never moving forward because of him and the debt owed to my mother, will never fly. She’d want me to pack up all my things and on the next plane out of here, not because she’s controlling like my mother, but because she loves me and would lose her mind knowing all the things I did to protect a man who hurt me.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Mer. It’s just hard seeing him again when I thought he was gone,” I explain, looking away from her and back out the window so I don’t have to see the sadness on her face and she won’t see the lies on mine.
I didn’t tell her about the kiss and I didn’t tell her about the things he said to me, but I didn’t need to. Meredith could always tell my state of mind just by looking at me. Being curled up on the floor of the office with red, puffy eyes was a dead giveaway that my state of mind was not good. Coming back here to the guest house after listening to a lecture from my mother, to find her waiting up for me on the couch, was even worse. On top of all of this, I’ve been hit with an onslaught of guilt after that kiss with Eli. I know I didn’t instigate it, but I also did nothing to stop it. I lost myself in that kiss, I craved it, and I needed more, knowing full well that I had a boyfriend waiting for me back in the ballroom. A man who loves me in spite of my not being able to return his feelings fully, one who is always there for me and has never broken my heart.
“Is he really worth all of this?” she whispers. “Is he really worth your happiness?”
I try not to jerk in surprise at her words. I’ve never come right out and told her my reasons for working for my mother and her hundreds of charities, for starting a relationship with Landry when I kept him at arm’s length for so many years. But Meredith is my best friend and she knows there’s a reason I suddenly changed my tune on everything I believed in and fought against for most of my life. I know I’m a horrible person for not confiding in her, but I don’t know what else to do. How do I tell her I gave up my life for a man who threw me away, just because I know, deep down, he’s not a bad person? How do I explain to her that I’m doing everything I’m told for a woman I despise?
I hear Meredith push herself up from the couch and walk across the hardwood floor until she’s standing right next to me as I stare off into the distance at the stables.
“I know you loved him and I know you feel like you lost everything after the accident, but you didn’t, Shelby. You could have still come to New York. I would have done everything I could to help you find another way to be happy so it didn’t come to this,” she tells me softly, bumping her shoulder into mine.
I love her for caring about me so much but it kills me at the same time that I can’t be honest with her. Meredith is a pit bull and she’s protective of me. If she knew the things my mother has threatened me with, the things she’s threatened Eli’s family with, she’d march out of this house and chew my mother a new asshole. She’d call her father even though she can’t stand him and she’d chew his ass out for his association with my mother. She’d never be able to keep quiet about something like this and it would ruin everything. My mother would make sure it would ruin everything and then where would I be? I would have sacrificed five years of my life for nothing. She’d ruin Eli and she’d ruin his family and it would all be for nothing.
“You know New York would have never worked if I couldn’t dance.”
Meredith scoffs and I turn to see her shaking her head.
“You’re the only person who thinks you can’t dance. When was the last time you tried?” she asks.
“Seriously? I have pins and screws in my bones and half of my thigh is missing. How exactly do you think I’d try?” I fire back, trying to keep the anger out of my voice.
We’ve had this argument a number of times over the years. She always refused to believe the doctors when they told me I’d never dance again. She always blamed my mother and thought she had something to do with this, but that’s one thing I know for sure she didn’t touch. I’ve seen the x-rays, I have copies of the MRIs, and I’ve met with enough specialists and physical therapists over the years that I know it’s impossible. Barely a day goes by without my leg hurting in some way and that’s just with me walking around doing office work. I’d never be able to withstand the grueling work of a professional dancer. Meredith knows this and I’m so tired of fighting about it.
I’m so tired of keeping everything inside. I’m so tired of not being able to scream and cry and rage at the unfairness of everything. I’m so tired of being this person who just doesn’t care about anything, and after what happened tonight and Meredith’s insistence that I talk, I’m finding it harder and harder to keep everything bottled up inside.
“Jesus, will you just get mad at me for once?” she complains, practically reading my mind, throwing her hands up in the air. “Call me a bitch, yell at me, tell me to go to hell. Tell me I’m nosy and annoying and to leave you the fuck alone. Do something, goddammit! I don’t know how to help you when you won’t let me in! I don’t know why you stay in this prison day after day, year after year, doing everything you hate with a woman you can’t stand who treats you like shit. I don’t know if it’s because you feel like you have nothing else and I don’t know if for some fucked-up reason it’s for Eli…I don’t know anything because you won’t let me in!”
I bite my lip to keep from crying, refusing to look at her. I should never have asked her to come here. I knew she’d see too much and I knew she’d question everything, trying to get to the bottom of things. I thought just having her here with me would give me strength to get through the days, knowing Eli was alive and home and out of my reach, but I should have known better. All it’s done is make me angry and make me hate my life even more than I already did. Seeing myself through Meredith’s eyes makes me even more disgusted with myself and thinking about my mother’s threats after the party make me realize nothing will ever change.
After what happened tonight with Eli, the kiss we shared, and how badly his words hurt me, I feel lost. I feel like I’m tumbling around in the ocean in the middle of a hurricane, having no idea which way is up. I hate that with just one kiss, he made me feel alive and made me remember what my life could have been like. I hate that he’s making me want to lose contr
ol and forget about everything I’ve done to protect him, just to be close to him again.
“There’s no point in getting mad. This is my life and nothing is going to change,” I remind her.
“I’m not an idiot, Shelby, so don’t play me for one. You called me, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a panic attack, because you needed me. And I’m supposed to, what? Just sit here and watch you throw your life away without doing something? Give me one good reason why? Why should I stand by and watch you keep moving through life not caring about yourself and not caring about your happiness? You know that’s not my style. You know I have no trouble telling Georgia to go fuck herself.”
My body turns quickly to face her and I wrap my hands around her upper arms, unable to hide the panic on my face.
“Please, Meredith,” I beg softly. “Just leave it alone. You have no idea…there are things you don’t…”
I falter, knowing I can’t tell her without repercussions and wanting to tell her so much at the same time that the words on the tip of my tongue are choking me.
“I knew it,” she whispers fiercely, her eyes staring angrily into mine. “She’s holding something over you. Something to do with Eli, isn’t she?”
I don’t say anything, which is probably worse than spitting it all out. Meredith has no trouble reading between the lines.
“I’m going to ask you one more time, and for God’s sake, don’t fucking lie to me. Is. He. Worth it?”
My chin trembles and I clench my teeth to stop myself from crying.
“He’s a good man. I know you don’t believe that. I know you saw what his leaving did to me, but that’s not who he is. Being a Marine meant everything to him. Fighting for this country meant everything to him, and his sister is his entire world. You don’t know him. You don’t know what could happen to him if…”
