The thought that everything he’d said to us, everything he’d done to win us over, was only to further his own selfish agenda made my heart like feel someone had stabbed a knitting needle through it.
“There are so many things I don’t understand,” I said, some of the rage that had been eating me up inside finally starting to ebb now that I was getting it out. “Why didn’t he just tell me the truth about the reason he was in the program when I asked him that first night? Why even suggest that we go to dinner to get to know each other better when he was going to lie anyway?”
“It makes no sense,” Tessa said, but while her agreement vindicated my feelings, it still didn’t help much.
“I mean, he went through a hell of a lot of effort to win my trust, and why? He didn’t even want to be in the program, so why did he put himself through the extra bullshit? Why even wait for me with Lawson on that first day?”
Leaning forward on the couch with her elbows on her knees, Tessa rested her chin on her hand. “Maybe he thought going the extra mile would help his case?”
“Maybe.” I tried half-sitting on the windowsill but then shot to my feet again. I couldn’t seem to stay still. It felt like if I kept moving, maybe I could outrun the devastation that was heading straight for Lawson. “Or maybe he just wanted to get into my pants.”
I hated to even think about it, but considering everything that had happened, I couldn’t discount the possibility in its entirety. “It’s fucking sick to use a kid to get to his mother, but the guy is a criminal. So who knows?”
“What was the crime he committed anyway?” Tessa asked, worry darkening her eyes. “I can’t believe that the Big Brother leader let someone with a criminal background into the program. It seems to go against the grain of everything they stand for. The men are supposed to be role models for the boys. I can’t imagine modeling a child after a criminal is a good idea.”
“I never found out what his crime was because I didn’t stick around for long enough,” I spat, then immediately regretted it. Tessa didn’t deserve to be at the other end of my fury. “I’m sorry. I screwed up the shoot so badly. I did get a few shots. I just hope you can use them.”
Tessa waved me off. “That’s the least of our worries right now. I’m not even sure I should do the article anymore.”
“No, you should do it.” I sighed, shoving my hands through my hair for the umpteenth time today. “Just because I got played for a fool by their son doesn’t mean that doing an article on the family isn’t a big deal for you. Write what you want. I just don’t want to read it.”
Tessa breathed out heavily, her eyes still round as she shook her head yet again. Both of us were struggling to process the news. “I still can’t believe it. Wayde went on and on during the interview about how the program provides such a safe space for the boys and about all the checks and balances that are in place to ensure the children are protected.”
A snort came out of me. “Yeah, well, that didn’t work out so well for us. I, for one, am done with that program. I’m pulling Lawson out immediately. I don’t care about male influence or whatever else the program supposedly offers. I’ll figure something else out.”
Regardless of who and what Declan had turned out to be, I couldn’t deny that having him in Lawson’s life had been good for my son. My anger didn’t make me blind to the facts. I would simply have to go about things a little differently from here, but I would make sure that Lawson got what he needed.
If that was male influence, it would be male influence. It just wouldn’t be Declan’s influence.
“He’s going to be heartbroken,” Tessa said, the corners of her mouth turning down with sadness. “He really admires Declan. I don’t envy you having to tell him you’re pulling him out.”
My mouth pressed into a firm line. I didn’t envy me either. I would’ve given anything not to be in this position, but I was, and now I had to deal with it. Getting Lawson through it was going to be tough, but he was my first priority.
My own stinging heart, humiliation, and battered self-esteem would have to wait. “Yeah, I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t want to lie to him, but I also don’t know how much of the truth to tell him. The only man he’s ever looked up to is a criminal. What’s Lawson going to make of that?”
“Probably nothing good.” Tessa buried her face in her hands. “God, what a mess. I never should have steered you to that program.”
Striding across the room to her, I sat down on the coffee table in front of her and put my hands on her shoulders. “It’s not your fault, Tessa. Please stop feeling guilty. We both thought it was the best possible way to give Lawson what he wanted and needed in his life.”
“I know, but—”
“No buts,” I said firmly. “Let’s be honest. It was good for Lawson to be in the program. If his Big Brother hadn’t turned out to be a criminal, I would never even have considered pulling him out. The program itself is great, the initiative is great, and I respect the living daylights out of the leadership and the volunteers. We just happened to draw a guy who wouldn’t know what honesty was if it whacked him in the face with a club.”
Tessa searched my eyes, then nodded as she scrubbed her hands over her cheeks. “Yeah, I guess. Did you ask him why he lied?”
“No. I’m not going to, either. If he was interested in telling me the truth, he had plenty of opportunities to do it.” My voice cracked a little at the end of the sentence.
Declan’s betrayal hurt way more than I was trying to let on. I’d trusted him. I’d trusted him with my son and with myself. I’d let him spend time with Lawson, eat with us, visit in our home. I’d slept with the man, for God’s sake.
And all he saw was a way to get his ticket stamped or whatever administration was involved to keep out of jail. We had literally been his get out of jail free card, and it sucked.
Tears stung the backs of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I wouldn’t cry over Declan. He was a criminal and a deceiver. He didn’t deserve my tears, even if I knew there was so much more to him than that.
Squaring my shoulders as I breathed past the urge to cry, I checked my watch and realized it was time to pick Lawson up from school. “I’ve got to go. Wish me luck.”
“Good luck,” Tessa said as she got to her feet. “Let me know how it goes. I can always come over later if you need me.”
“Thanks, I’ll give you a call.” We walked side by side to the front door, then went our separate ways after I locked up.
Lawson was just getting out when I arrived, and he walked to the car with a great big grin on his face. He thought he was going to the Big Brother hall to spend time with Declan this afternoon, and he was not going to be happy about the change of plans.
“Hi, Mom,” he sang as he got into the car. “Can we stop at the library on the way? I want to pick up this book I remembered about this morning. Declan is going to love it.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat over what I was about to do and knelt down next to the car after strapping him into his seat. “I’m taking you out of the program, baby. You’re not going this afternoon, and you don’t need to pick up any book for Declan because you’re not going to be seeing him again.”
Lawson’s eyes narrowed when he realized I was being serious. “What? Why?”
“He’s not a good man, honey. I know we thought he was, but I’ve found out some things about him, and he’s just not the kind of person we should be spending time with.”
“No,” Lawson screamed, kicking the bottom of his seat. I got up before the full tantrum could hit, knowing I was going to have to ride it out on the way home anyway.
Slamming his door behind me, I climbed into the driver’s seat and tried my best not to look at the tear-stained face I saw in my rearview mirror. “He is a good man, Mommy. He is. Declan’s my friend. You can’t just decide that I can’t see him anymore.”
“Yes, I can,” I said, tightening my grip on the steering wheel as I steeled myself for ho
w tough I knew I was going to have to be. “I’m your mother, Lawson. I know you thought he was your friend, but he was using us. I will not have him in our lives any longer, and I don’t want to hear anything about it. The decision has been made, and it’s not negotiable.”
Lawson crossed his arms, arguing and screaming all the way home. Nothing he said swayed me in the slightest. It hurt me to know that I was hurting him, but this was one of those situations in which I had to be cruel to be kind. No matter how much it pained me to do it.
When he got home, Lawson ran into his bedroom and slammed the door. I didn’t see him for the rest of the afternoon, but I decided to give him some space.
It was okay that he was angry with me. I could take it. I just hoped it would blow over soon because I hated fighting with him.
After I made his favorite dinner, I went to knock on his door. “Lawson, honey? I made hot dogs. Do you want to come have some dinner?”
No answer, but I wasn’t surprised. He was in full tantrum mode, so I had expected this to take some coaxing. Mentally wrapping a barrier around my heart, I twisted the doorknob and let myself into his room, ready to do whatever needed to be done.
Only Lawson wasn’t in his room. Panic slammed into me with the force of a tsunami, my heart stuttering and pounding all at the same time. “Lawson!”
I checked his closet first, then under the bed and in the bathroom, all the while calling out his name. By the time I’d searched the entire house, tears were streaming down my cheeks, and fear was consuming me from the inside out.
I fumbled as I grabbed my phone, putting in a call to Tessa with shaky fingers. “Is Lawson with you?”
“No,” she said. “Why do you ask?”
I explained to her what had happened and how upset he’d been with me, then hung up after she told me she had no clue where he could be. She also promised to call if she saw him.
Clutching my phone in my hand, I stared at it with a heavy heart as I realized who my next call was going to have to be to. It was the last person I wanted to call for help but the only other person I could call.
The fear licking at my insides spurred me on, and I let it. Nothing mattered right now except for finding Lawson, not even all the lies Declan had fed me.
Pride didn’t hold me back for a minute. I might hate it, but I needed his help.
And so the next thing I knew, I was dialing a number I had resolved never to call again.
Declan.
Damn it.
Chapter 37
Declan
The disbelief in my mother’s eyes quickly softened when she heard the sincerity in my tone. “The photographer girl? Really?”
“Really.” I didn’t quite know how I’d ended up back at my parents’ house this evening, but after Raeanne ran out of here yesterday, it was like I was untethered.
I had kept drifting from room to room in my new house, then from place to place in town when I decided to take a walk. At some point during the course of the afternoon, I’d gotten into my SUV, and when I looked again, I was parked in front of my parents’ house.
After what she had done yesterday, I’d been so pissed off with my mother that I really hadn’t expected I’d ever see her again. Never mind seeing her just over twenty-four hours later.
But now that I was sitting on the couch with her, seeing the genuine remorse in her expression after I’d explained to her what had happened, I was glad I had come. “I love her, Mother. Her and her son, Lawson. He’s seven, but he’s the best kid in the world. They’ve changed my life, and now I have to live it without them.”
“Have you told her how you feel?” she asked gently, her voice as soft as her hand on my forearm. Concern etched a deep frown on her forehead and shone from her wide green eyes.
Releasing a heavy sigh, I shook my head. “I never got the chance to. I tried to explain everything yesterday, but she wouldn’t listen. I’m pretty sure she’s never going to.”
Mom was quiet for a long minute, her eyes never leaving mine. When I saw the concern fade into resolute determination, I realized why I had come here.
For all her faults, my mother was an incredibly strong woman. No one would say it when they were looking in from the outside, but she had weathered many storms at my father’s side, and beneath the delicate exterior, she was made of steel. Just like Raeanne.
If anyone was going to be able to give me advice on how to win back my chosen family, it was my mother. “Let me start by saying that I’m sorry for the role I played in this. We’ve been hard on you lately, but it was only because we were so worried. Unfortunately, we never looked at or listened to you properly and without judgment for long enough to realize that you were already changing. I see it now, and I’m sorry that I didn’t before.”
My breath caught in my lungs. I’d never gotten an apology from my mother before, and my own eyes might have gotten just as misty as hers in that moment.
“That being said, finding someone that gives your life meaning is the most success I could have asked for you. All the money and notoriety in the world can’t buy that, and it’s the one thing I’ve been praying for all of you since the days you were born.”
Well, consider me just this side of fucking flabbergasted. And I’d never even thought the word flabbergasted before. “Really?”
“Really.” A soft smile touched her lips. “Your father and I have made a great many mistakes as parents, but perhaps the biggest one was that we never clearly communicated what we want for you or from you. I can assure you, Declan, that finding someone like your Raeanne has always been at the top of our lists.”
“Too bad she’s not my Raeanne anymore,” I mumbled, hating how defeated I sounded. “And since when? What about all your speeches about the ulterior motives of the lower classes?”
“She will be yours again,” my mother insisted. “And once she is, I do hope that you will bring her and this Lawson to meet us properly. I will be looking forward to it. Those speeches were warnings about people who might try to use you. This woman doesn’t even know who you are, so I highly doubt that’s relevant in this instance.”
Her shoulders pulled back as she reached out to pat my arm. “In the meantime, we didn’t raise you to give up. You might have to work harder than you ever have in your life to get her back, but you’re going to do it. You’re going to—”
She was cut off by the loud buzzing of my phone as it clattered all over the glass-topped coffee table. My heart jumped into my throat when I saw Raeanne’s name on the screen.
Mom saw it at the same time, her lips tugging into a smile as she nodded at it. “It’s time to get to work. I’ll give you some privacy.”
Rising from the couch as gracefully as a damned queen, she disappeared from the room just as I answered the call. “Raeanne, I know you’re—”
“Save it, Declan.” The panic in her voice made my blood run cold. “Is Lawson with you?”
“No.” I frowned, and then the implication of her question hit me square in the chest. My blood went from cold to fucking iced. “He’s gone?”
“He’s gone,” she confirmed, a sob breaking free as she did. “I’ve looked everywhere, and I can’t find him. He’s not with Tessa either.”
I was already on my feet, running for the door. I’d explain to my mother where I’d gone later, but there was no time to waste. “I’m on my way over. We’ll find him, Raeanne. I know you don’t trust me for shit right now, but I promise you that we will find him.”
Breaking the speed limit as I raced to her house, my heart squeezed and throbbed and thrummed. I’d never had a panic attack before, but it felt like one might be lurking somewhere right around the corner.
It took several forced breaths to calm my racing heart and mind. Gulping oxygen into my starving lungs, I tried to think of where Lawson might be.
On a whim, I swung by the Big Brother hall on my way over, but there was no one there. Lawson didn’t have my address, so it was useless checking my place. I t
hought of the lighthouse, but that was too far away from their house for him to have reached it on foot. As was the playground.
I didn’t know what Raeanne had told him about me, but unsurprisingly, they hadn’t shown up for our scheduled time at the program this afternoon. Wayde had told me that he’d received an email from Raeanne informing him that she was taking Lawson out of the program, but she hadn’t given him a reason.
If I knew Lawson at all, he would be pretty upset with Raeanne, even if she really wasn’t the one at fault here. I knew him well enough to know that he would want to be alone, somewhere he couldn’t be disturbed. As I screeched to a stop in front of their house, I suddenly knew where to look.
Raeanne had heard my less-than-subtle arrival and flung the door open, her shoulders heaving on her sobs and stormy fear swimming in her eyes. “Don’t come in. We need to go find him.”
“I think I know where he is.” It physically hurt me to blow past her without taking her into my arms and offering her comfort, but the best comfort I could give her was to find her son. I doubted she’d appreciate a timeout for a hug if my hunch was correct and we could be finding him instead.
Running through their house, I let myself out of the kitchen door and into their backyard. My eyes scanned the trees and rested on the only one that looked easy enough to climb. The first fork also happened to be hidden by evergreen branches still blanketed with leaves.
“I’ve already checked out here,” Raeanne said from somewhere behind me, a borderline hysterical edge in her voice. “He’s not here.”
“I think he is,” I called over my shoulder without stopping for a second. My heart sank when I reached the bottom of the tree and looked up into nothing but empty darkness.
But then a small voice sounded from a branch I couldn’t see. “Declan?”
Relief so intense it made my knees weak flooded through me. “Yeah, buddy. It’s me. Do you want to come on down? We’re really worried about you.”
I heard sniffles, but they were coming closer. Lawson appeared in a fork just above my head then. “Mommy said I could never see you again.”
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