by Linnea May
Fuck. I turn around and find her standing in the doorway, wearing nothing but a shirt and yoga pants, her feet bare and her hair wet from the shower. She looks at me with widened eyes, her hand flying to her chest, as she yells out again. "Risu?!"
"I'm so sorry," I say, trying to calm her, raising my arms in an appeasing motion. "I left the door open, and she-"
"I know!" she interrupts. "I saw her running out when I came downstairs!"
She looks around frantically.
"Where'd she go?"
"You need to put on some clo-"
"Where'd she go?!"
Her eyes are filling with tears, and the sight of it pinches right through my chest. Fuck this. Seriously, fuck this.
"That way," I say, pointing in the direction Risu darted. "I'll help you look, but you can't run around outside like that."
She stares at me, her lower lip trembling as she nods.
I lead her back inside to put some clothes on.
"We'll find her," I promise.
Chapter 29
Lena
He's been checking his watch every few moments since we started searching. I try to ignore it because seeing him do that only adds to the ache in my chest, but I can't blame him. He has a plane to catch, and the fact that Risu ran away doesn't change that. I’m working the afternoon shift at the diner, so there’s nowhere for me to be while he’s still around. I have time to look for her, even though this is not how I wanted to spend my last few minutes with him.
"She ran in this direction," he said when we got back outside after I threw on some shoes and hustled into a winter coat. It was the first time he ever referred to Risu as 'her' instead of 'it', and it warms my heart, if only momentarily.
The snow made it easy to follow her tiny paw prints when we started our search, but when they ended in front of a tree, we had no further clues. I click my tongue as we wander around the yard, our eyes focused up into the neighboring trees.
"Does she respond to that?" he asks, imitating the clicking sounds I've been making.
"I don't know," I admit. "But she definitely won't listen to my voice!"
We continue searching, both of us clicking our tongues, but Risu is nowhere in sight.
"She could be anywhere," he adds.
My heart sinks.
"She's not ready for this," I whisper, the grief increasing in my chest. "She's not ready to be out here on her own."
But really what I'm saying is that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to let her go, just as much as I'm not ready to let him go.
Tears are swelling up in my eyes again, and I wipe them away quickly before he can see them. I need to find her. I don't want to lose her on the same day I'm losing him.
Jason continues making clicking sounds with his tongue, trudging through the snow next to me, his eyes scanning the trees above us. As my eyes linger on him, watching him trying to lure Risu back, I can't help but yearn for him to stay. I know he doesn't care for the squirrel, so he couldn't care less whether she'll be okay out here or not.
He's doing this for me. He's out here, making a fool out of himself, because he cares for me.
He turns around then, a quizzical look on his handsome face.
"Any other ideas?" he asks. "Anything else we could try? Because this doesn't seem to be working."
Just as I'm about to shrug and shake my head no, I remember that there is something else. Of course!
I reach into my jacket pocket and produce a handful of nuts. Hazelnuts and walnuts - her favorites.
He arches his eyebrows and laughs. "You just happen to have nuts in your pocket?"
"Always," I retort, and grin at him mischievously. "You don't?"
He looks puzzled for a moment, but he shakes his head, laughing.
"Squirrels can smell better than they can see," I say. "And I suspect they react to certain noises – like cracking a nut."
He throws me an “are you serious?” look, and watches as I continue plodding through the snow, rubbing the nuts in my hands to create a sound similar to one that a squirrel's teeth would make when gnawing on them.
From the corners of my eye, I can see him checking his watch again. He sighs and rakes his fingers through his hair.
Stay. Please say that you're staying.
"I have to go," he says, turning to me with an apologetic look. "I really have to. I’m sorry."
I swallow hard, sorrow closing up my throat.
Our eyes remain locked onto each other for a few seconds, and all I can wish for is that he sees it. That he sees the plea in my eyes, the unspoken appeal for him to stay.
I can't bring myself to say it, because I want to believe that I'm stronger than this. I have been on my own for so long. I can do this. I will find Risu, and even if I don't, she'll be fine. I can be without him, I can forget about him. Everything will return to the way it was before he showed up.
And it will be fine.
I have to keep telling myself this, because I don't want him to see me cry.
"It's okay," I tell him. "You can go."
He looks at me with an inconsolable expression that makes my heart ache even more.
"I have to catch that plane," he says. "I really have to get back to New York, and-"
"I know," I cut him off, and then I swallow thickly. "Go."
He looks like he wants to say something else, like he’s fighting a battle that torments him just as the pain torments me.
But what could he possibly say? Let's stay in touch? How would that work? Am I expecting him to invite me to New York? Why would he?
"I... I wish I could-"
"Go," I repeat, louder this time. "Please. Go."
I know he's just doing what I told him to, but I can't believe my eyes when he actually takes a step back. He lowers his eyes, his arms dangling helplessly at his side.
It's almost a relief when he finally turns, his eyes averting me, and thus allowing the tears I’ve been struggling to keep contained to flow freely down my cheeks.
All I can do is watch him walk away, laboriously trudging through the deep snow back to my house to get his stuff.
My vision blurs and I turn my attention back to looking for Risu, the nuts falling out of my hand as I slap it over my mouth to stop myself from howling out too loudly. The crying fit comes in violent waves, flushing agonizing pain through my chest.
Helpless, I slump to the ground into a cold cushion of snow.
Chapter 30
Jason
The streets have only been cleared for a day, and I'm not the only one who's eager to get on with his journey. I sit stalled in heavy traffic, barely moving an inch or two every few minutes, and I haven’t even reached the freeway.
This doesn't make it any easier, not at all. It gives me too much time to think, too much time to replay that last image of her. Her watery eyes, the way her lower lip trembled as she tried to push them away. She fought so hard to keep her composure. I thought it would make it easier on her if I left as quickly as possible, without looking back. I left behind the clothes she lent me and grabbed my bag, hurrying out the door as rapidly as possible.
The car was still where I left it, parked in front of the diner. I threw a quick look inside, a hiccup forming in my chest when I saw the girl who yelled at me at the convention. Her friend. I don't think she saw me before I managed to get inside the car and drive off. It doesn't matter either way.
What matters is Lena. Lena and her sad eyes. Lena, her cheeks flushed, but this time it was out of worry and grief and not excitement and unbridled lust. I prefer the latter, by far.
If anyone had told me I would spend half an afternoon trudging through the snow, clicking with my tongue searching for a lost squirrel, I'd have declared them crazy. But I really wanted to find that damn thing. It was my fault that it ran away in the first place, and I wanted to ease her pain by finding it before I had to leave.
Well, that plan didn't work out very well, did it?
I'm sitting in my car like an idiot, checking
my watch again and again. Even if the traffic doesn't clear up soon, I should still have plenty of time to catch that plane. I can still make it.
The question is, do I want to? Will this gnawing agony bludgeoning my chest ever end? Will I ever be able to truly leave all of this behind? To leave her behind?
The thought of her wandering through the snow, all by herself, searching for that damned little rodent with tears streaming down her cheeks, cuts through my chest like a knife.
"Fuck," I hiss to myself, my knuckles turning white as my grip around the steering wheel tightens. "Fuck! Fuck!"
I don't know what I'm trying to do, screaming at the turmoil raging inside my head. Will it go away if I curse at it loud enough?
It’s always been so easy to keep my distance, to make sure that I don’t have a pretty gold digger hanging on to my arm – unlike my naïve father. I was fine on my own, a player maybe, but never exploited like he was again and again.
But she’s different. Lena is pretty, but she’s no gold digger for sure. Even after just two days with her, I have no doubt about that.
Am I about to do the stupidest thing of my life?
The images still haunt me. Lena, beautiful Lena, plodding through the snow, crying about that squirrel - and for the asshole who left her there, all by herself.
I don't want to be that asshole. I can't.
There's an exit coming up, an opportunity that could lead me right back to her. If I don't take it, I will be forced to get on the freeway, and then there's no turning back.
I take a deep breath when the cars stop moving again, and the exit comes in sight. It’s now or never.
I steer the wheel to the right in one vicious motion, stepping on the gas before I change my mind. I know I'm driving way too fast, but I don't care.
All I care about is Lena. I need to see her smile again, and that's not going to happen if I take off like a fucking pussy. I was dumb to leave her there in the first place, and I wish I could turn back time to undo it.
I can't do that, but I can return to her. I can still make up for this.
The streets are less busy heading in this direction, making my return journey pass by a lot quicker. I pass the sign for Greymeadow and my chest tightens when her house finally comes into view.
And Lena. I see her, walking with her back turned, her shoulders tense and slouched. Her wet hair has frozen, and she's not wearing a hat. I'm sure she must be freezing. Next to everything else that’s going on, she must be freezing.
I park at the side of the road and jump out. She's about thirty feet ahead of me, still walking, oblivious that I'm right behind her.
I start moving.
"Lena!"
She freezes mid-motion, but she doesn't turn around. She just stands there, her back to me, her shoulders pulled up to her ears.
"Lena," I repeat, and when she still doesn't make a move to turn around, I stop walking.
Am I too late? Did I fuck this up?
I'm just about to gather the words for an apology, when she finally turns around.
She looks at me through pain-filled eyes. They are red and tear-stained, with a hollow expression that changes when she sees me. Relief suffuses her features, her shoulders relax and her lips curl into a smile.
It's only now that I see the red-grey ball of fur in her hands, a little creature with a fluffy tail, pressed against her chest and turning its black eyes to me, sniffing and chattering as it always does.
"You found her!" I exclaim.
The smile on her face widens when she casts a quick look down at her little friend before she looks back at me. Her lips are trembling, moving as she tries to speak, but no words come out. Instead, she's losing the battle against another wave of tears that start streaming down her pained face.
I'm helpless against her sorrow, and this time I don't try to fight it.
“Jason,” she says, her voice hoarse and soft.
I run toward her, both of us gasping in relief when I take her into my arms and steal a hungry kiss from her. Her lips are cold, but as soft as always, finding mine with loving familiarity.
She's still crying throughout our kiss, only interrupted by a giggle when the squirrel fights its way out of her hands and our embrace, making vexed noises as it climbs up on my shoulder.
I don't let it bother me at all.
Not this time.
Epilog
Lena
Three weeks later
~ The day before Christmas Eve ~
"She looks so happy."
I watch as Risu scurries up a tree at the very far end of my yard, carrying a nut that I just gave her. She has fully recovered from her injury and has such a strong desire to move that keeping her locked up in the house, let alone in the cage, is out of the question now. I thought I'd keep her with me until the winter was over, but once the blizzard ended and we were hit by a streak of warmer weather, it felt like torture to continue keeping her locked up inside.
"So do you."
His voice pulls me out of my musings. I turn around and find Jason standing behind me in his dark wool coat and a grey cashmere scarf, a small dimple showing on his left side when he smiles at me.
"I look happy?" I ask him.
"As happy as a squirrel roaming the trees, with a never-ending supply of nuts," he says, winking. He tilts his head in the direction of the food station I built on my veranda. It's filled to the brim with hazelnuts and walnuts, and Risu is not the only one who comes back regularly to help herself.
"I like your analogies," I tell him.
He steps closer and wraps his arms around me.
"You're spoiling her," he says, his gaze fixated on the trees in the distance.
"I just want to make sure she's going to be okay," I say, leaning against his side.
"It's only going to be for a few days," he interjects. "And she's still a wild animal. She'll get by."
I sigh. "I'm sure you're right."
He plants a kiss on my forehead. "Are you ready?"
I shake my head. "No. But I don't think I ever will be."
He chuckles. "Fair enough. Let's go then."
I cast one last look at my squirrel friend. She is sitting on a branch, happily gnawing away on the nut and paying no attention to me at all. This may not be the last time I see her, but it still feels like goodbye, even though I'm only leaving town for a little more than a week.
We walk back inside the house and I lock the door behind me. It's odd to be going away for this long. I don't think I've been away from this house for more than a weekend since Oma died. And it feels all the more weird knowing what this trip will be about. A test run, of sorts. A way for us to figure out if what we have between us could lead to something more.
He asked me to move in with him on the same day he decided to return to Greymeadow instead of catching the plane to New York. Of course, I declined. Because it's crazy.
It still feels crazy, all of this. But the last three weeks have shown that living without each other would be even crazier. He flew me to New York to visit him for a weekend, and he came back to Greymeadow twice, despite his crazy work schedule and the risk of angering his father. As cautious as I want to be about this, it's hard not to get excited about the prospect of living with this man.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, I need to focus on the big things ahead, like Christmas. I'm spending Christmas with him - and his family. This is such a huge step, but he suggested it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
"I know you're nervous," he says, when he sees me fiddling with my coat's zipper. "But don't be."
"If only it was that easy Mr. Conner."
A smile is forming at the corner of his mouth. "What are you so afraid of?"
"It's a big deal," I insist. "Christmas. Meeting the family. Do I really have to explain?"
He reaches for my hand and gently moves it aside, closing the zipper for me.
"Don't worry about them," he whispers, placing his hands o
n my shoulders.
"What if I don't fit in?"
"You won't," he replies, and my heart sinks for a split second. "But that's a good thing. I wouldn't want you to. I like you because you're different from them."
I smirk. "Weird little rodent friends and all?"
"Weird little rodent friends and all," he affirms. "And besides, if it sucks, we'll just go to Germany next year."
My eyes widen as I look up to him.
Next year. He's talking about it like it’s already a given.
A warm smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. "I'd be curious to see those Christmas markets you've talked about."
"And drink some mulled wine?” I ask, winking at him.
"I'd like that," he whispers. "Very much."
The kiss with which he seals his words tastes sweeter than any mulled wine ever could.
Thank you for reading!
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Oriental Essence
This novella was part of the anthology ‘Bad Boys Under the Mistletoe’ in December 2016. It is a hot & quick read about Ava, mysterious billionaire Derek Cartwright, and their steamy encounter at a luxury spa.
CHAPTER 1
Ava
