“You can’t.” She jumped up from the barn floor. “You can’t make promises like that. One day we will all die. You. Me. You can’t promise to never leave.”
“All right.” He stood, at a loss as to what he could say. Only one thing came to mind. “But you know that death isn’t the end of things.”
Lizzy began to pace. “I know that. I know Father is with Jesus, just as the thief on the cross is. But it doesn’t help. If Uncle Oliver dies, Mother and I will be alone to face overwhelming circumstances. If Mother dies . . .”
“You won’t be alone.” Wes took hold of her. “So long as I have breath in my body, you will neither one be alone. And even if I die, you’ll still have God. Have you forgotten that, Lizzy?”
He walked her over to a bale of hay and made her sit. Lizzy didn’t protest, much to his relief.
“Look, I have a few things I need to say to you. First, I have to beg your forgiveness for how I’ve acted the last couple of years. I was wrong to put a wall between us. I was wrong to blame you for what happened to Clarissa.” He pushed back his dark hair. “I felt guilty when Clarissa accused me of being in love with you. Not at first, because I didn’t see it that way. I cared about you very much, but I cared about your entire family. I came to this ranch when I was just eighteen. I’d left my mother and father and brother, hoping to make my own way. I wanted to prove myself. Your family was more than gracious and took me in like a son.”
“Father always said you were a son to him,” Lizzy murmured.
“I know. He told me that as well. I loved him, Lizzy. He was like a second father to me, especially after mine died. I’ll never forget how he helped me get past my grief. He told me just what I’ve been saying to you.”
She looked up. “He did?”
Wesley nodded. “He said that death, while hard on the ones left behind, was nothing but joy for the man or woman who loved God. He told me we should learn to put aside our grief and rejoice for the one who’d gone home.”
“I know.” Lizzy sighed. “But it hurts so much. It’s like a burden on my shoulders pressing me down.”
Wes knelt beside her. “I know. It weighs on me too. But maybe it wouldn’t be quite so heavy if we bore it together.”
She touched his cheek, much to his surprise. “I never thought about how much Father’s death would hurt you. It was selfish of me only to think of my pain. I’m sorry.”
He pressed his hand over hers. “I know you are, just as I’m sorry for how much you’re hurting. Just don’t let that pain cause you to wall yourself away from everyone. I can tell you from experience, it doesn’t take away the pain.”
He stood and drew Lizzy up with him, then looked for several long moments into her brown eyes. Why had it been so hard to see how much she meant to him—how much he loved her? “Lizzy, I—”
“Hello? Lizzy? Are you out here?”
Wes let go of her at the sound of Ella calling Lizzy’s name.
“I’m here.” Lizzy held Wesley’s gaze a moment longer. “Thank you for talking with me. For your kindness.”
She squared her shoulders and headed to the front of the barn. Wes could hear her speaking with Ella, but not enough to know what was being said. He wanted to run after Lizzy and declare his love—force her to admit hers for him. But for all his desire, Wes felt there was a better time and place. Right now, she needed to come to terms with her fears, and he felt that such a declaration would only interfere with God’s plan.
Not only that, but he still had unfinished business.
Later that afternoon, after hearing that Oliver was suffering nothing more than exhaustion, Wes rode out to the little family cemetery. The Brookstone cemetery sat atop a rolling rise that overlooked the river. Wes had helped Mark and Oliver Brookstone bury their parents here. Together they had put a fence around an area twenty feet by twenty feet, and prayed they wouldn’t have to bury anyone else there for a long, long time.
He remembered how Mrs. Brookstone had fought against all the elements Montana had to offer to grow a small collection of pines to stand vigil over the graves. He’d helped her water the trees and protect them from animals and the wind. There was little Wes had ever seen Rebecca Brookstone attempt without success, and this was no exception. The small seedlings she had planted the summer after losing her father-in-law were now sturdy, mature trees. They bore up under the drought and snows much as the family had over the years.
Wes dismounted his horse and made his way to Clarissa’s grave at the far side of the fenced area. Due to the shelter of the trees, there was still some snow here and there, and her headstone was covered. With his gloved hand, he wiped the snow aside and read the inscription.
Clarissa DeShazer
1872–1898
Beloved Wife and Daughter
He stood back and took off his hat. “But you were neither, and for that I am sorry.”
He stared at the stone for a long time. He knew Clarissa wasn’t there—just her earthly body—but still he felt the need to speak to her, and this seemed like the only reasonable place.
“We never lied to each other about why we married,” he began. “We both knew it was wasn’t a love match, although I cared about you and I think you cared about me.” He looked out across the cemetery to the river. “I thought I could keep you safe—protect you. I thought I could save you from the world and all those folks who would hurt you, and instead I ended up hurting you myself.
“It helps to know that you understood it was never intentional, Rissa, but it’s burdened me nevertheless. I never meant to wrong you. I honestly never thought of Lizzy as a potential wife—at least not then. I cared about her and wanted to keep her safe, and I know I talked a lot about her and what she was doing. I didn’t figure I was committing adultery, but maybe after a fashion, that’s what it was. Either way, I let her come between us. I cared a great deal about her—loved her—but not the way you thought I did. But now I do.”
He turned the black Stetson in his hands and shrugged. “I guess I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t put everything in God’s hands rather than do what I thought best. I learned a painful lesson about trying to take God’s place. I’m sorry too that I could never give you the love you deserved. I know, though, that you finally have it. I know, given you put your trust in God before you died, that you finally know the only love that truly lasts forever. Just the same, I hope you forgive me.”
Wes felt a peace settle over him. He could finally lay Clarissa to rest.
Gazing at the heavens, he continued. “Lord, I ask You to forgive me too. I was such a fool. Young and ignorant. I tried to take Your place. I thought that I could make things right and fix the problems Clarissa had. I thought I could do that with Phillip too. I’ve made a poor savior, Lord.
“From now on, I just want to put everything in Your hands. I’m asking You to make me a better man. Help me hear Your voice and heed Your directions rather than take my own counsel.”
He thought of what had transpired earlier in the day with Lizzy. “Help her, Lord. She’s hurting, and I know I can’t make that better. I want to. I truly do, but I know she needs to come to You with it and not me. I love her, Lord. I don’t know why it took me so long to see it or to understand that she’s the only woman I want to spend my life with, but now that You’ve helped me realize it, I’m praying You’ll help me be the man Lizzy needs. I’m praying You’ll make me a man after Your own heart so that I always put You first and seek Your direction for my life.”
Wes glanced one last time at the headstone. He’d done what he’d come to do and felt assurance deep in his soul that he could put the past behind him now and focus on the future. Whatever that future might hold.
twenty-four
A strong wind had blown most of the night, and that, coupled with the memory of all Wes and her mother had said, kept Lizzy from sleeping. At one point she sat up in bed and drew her knees to her chest. At times like these, she knew there was nothing to d
o but pray.
“Lord, I’m so afraid.” She hugged her arms around her legs. “Wes cares for me just as I’ve so often prayed he would. I love him, but I can’t bear the thought of him dying. I know death isn’t the end. I know Father is there with You now, so why can’t I let go of this pain—this fear?”
Rocking in bed, Lizzy tried to remember all the Bible verses she’d ever memorized, but nothing came to mind. It was as if in putting up her wall of protection, she’d pushed out the Holy Spirit along with everything else. For a moment, she panicked. Had God left her alone because of her hard heart?
She fumbled for the matches on her nightstand. Finally she found them and lit the lamp. The glow did little to comfort her. She pulled open the nightstand drawer and retrieved her Bible. Just having it in hand helped soothe her spirit. It was only then that she realized she hadn’t read it in a long time. A very long time. In fact, she hadn’t read it since her father died.
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” Tears trickled down her cheeks. “I didn’t know. I didn’t see. I was so lost in my pain that I pushed You away with everyone else.” She began to sob and cradled the Bible against her chest.
After a few minutes, there was a light tapping at her door. When the door opened, Lizzy saw her mother’s worried face.
“Lizzy, are you all right?”
“No. No, I’m not.” Lizzy cried all the harder.
Mother sat beside her. She pulled Lizzy close as she had done when Lizzy was a child. “There, there, my darling. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m what’s wrong.” Lizzy buried her face against her mother’s neck.
“What are you talking about?”
Lizzy’s voice was ragged. “I pushed God away. I didn’t want any more pain, so I was determined not to love. I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing, but it was.”
Mother nodded. “I know.”
“Can He forgive me? Will He come back?”
“Oh, Lizzy.” She brushed back Lizzy’s dampened hair. “He never left you. He’s just been waiting for you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course. God promised He would never leave us nor forsake us. Even when we walk away, God is still there. But if you don’t believe me—talk to Him. I promise He’s listening. He’s right here with us now.”
Lizzy knew that her mother spoke the truth. She could feel it in her heart. For the first time in a long time, she could feel God’s presence.
“Forgive me,” she whispered, bowing her head. “Forgive me for pushing You away.”
The peace that had been missing for so many months washed over her in warm waves. Lizzy felt herself relax in her mother’s arms. For a long while she stayed in that loving hold, knowing that nothing in the world could hurt her.
After a time, Mother lifted Lizzy’s face. She looked quite serious.
“What is it?” Lizzy asked.
“I hope you realize that your comfort just now is from the Lord, not me.”
It was as if she’d read Lizzy’s mind. “But it’s your arms around me.”
“And His around us both. Lizzy, I love you so dearly. You are my child—my only child. I could not have been happier with a dozen children. But I’m only human, and one day I will go home to be with God. I don’t want to worry that you’ll fall apart and leave your faith behind.”
“I can’t imagine life without you.” Lizzy shook her head. “I couldn’t imagine it without Father either.” She thought of all her mother had said and began to see the truth. “I suppose God gives us people at different times to teach us and help us.”
“To love us too,” Mother added. “It’s not good to be alone—at least not for long. God knows exactly the right person to send along on our journey. Whether it’s parents when we are young or friends . . . or a mate. But it’s God Himself who is our mainstay, our comfort, our hope. People do what they can, but they will leave or die . . . just as I will one day. It doesn’t mean we can’t cherish them while they’re here, but we mustn’t depend on them for our hope. That comes from God alone.”
It seemed so simple, yet it had taken Lizzy such a long time to see the truth. “I understand, Mother. I do. I see it now. I put my trust in my earthly father rather than my heavenly Father.”
“People make poor saviors.” Mother smiled. “I had to learn the truth of that myself. I think God has been working to teach us both the same truth. He is enough, Lizzy. No matter who else walks in or out of our lives. God will fill the empty places in our hearts, but we must allow Him access. He never forces us to receive Him.”
When Lizzy woke hours later, she found her Bible still cradled in her arms. Mother had gone, but the covers were neatly tucked around Lizzy, reminding her of when she was a child. She waited for the pang of loneliness and sadness to come, and when it didn’t, she smiled. God had filled the empty place left by her father’s death. God had taken His rightful place in her heart.
A million thoughts went through her mind as she made her way downstairs for breakfast. She felt freer than she had in months, but there were still a lot of problems. What would happen with Ella’s father and former fiancé? What kind of trouble could Fleming and Spiby cause for the Brookstone show? And then there was Wes. What in the world was she supposed to do about him?
“Are you just now going down?” Ella asked.
Lizzy turned to see Ella following her down the stairs. She had dark circles under her eyes. “Yes. And you?”
“I couldn’t sleep at all for fear of what Father and Jefferson have planned. I just wanted to pull up the covers and hide in my bed.” Ella reached Lizzy’s side. “What am I going to do? Do you suppose they’ll come back today like they said?”
“All we can do is take it moment by moment. I honestly believe, however, that God has already taken care of all this. He will show us what to do and say. I feel sure of it.”
Ella paused on the step. “You sound different today. Did something happen?”
Lizzy nodded. “I realized how foolish I was acting. I was trying to hold God and everyone else away from me so that I could avoid getting hurt. Mother helped me see that and some other things. I can tell you more after breakfast, but I honestly feel as though I’ve come back to life.”
They reached the bottom step and heard voices in the dining room. Ella grabbed Lizzy’s arm. “They’re back. They’re here.”
“Your father and Mr. Spiby?” Lizzy asked in a whisper.
Ella’s expression answered for her. She looked terrified. Lizzy held her back from going into the dining room. She waited to hear what her mother would say.
“Gentlemen, you are very welcome to sit and partake of breakfast with the rest of us. My brother-in-law, however, will not be joining us. He’s been under the weather since traveling to Chicago, and I made him promise he’d remain in bed today.”
“That’s not a problem, Mrs. Brookstone.” Lizzy knew that voice but couldn’t quite place it. It wasn’t either Mr. Fleming or Mr. Spiby. “We wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”
“I assure you, Sheriff, there’s plenty for everyone,” Mother replied. “Please have a seat. We all eat together. I can make introductions to the show’s performers in a moment when Lizzy and Ella join us.”
Ella grew paler. “They brought the sheriff here?”
Lizzy leaned close. “Apparently, but that’s a good thing. With the sheriff here, they won’t cause any trouble.”
Ella’s expression was still panicked. She shook her head and backed away. “I don’t want to face them.”
“I know, but I hardly see how we can avoid it. Come on.” Lizzy took Ella’s hand and led her into the dining room.
“Ah, there they are,” Mother said, smiling. To Lizzy’s surprise, she wasn’t wearing her black mourning clothes. Instead she wore a simple brown skirt and white blouse. Apparently God had worked in her heart as well.
“Sorry we’re late, Mother,” Lizzy said. She released Ella and went to her mother’s side. “You look lovel
y this morning.” She kissed Mother’s cheek, then glanced at the three men who stood at the end of the table. “Good morning, Sheriff. Mr. Fleming. Mr. Spiby.”
The men gave her a nod of greeting, but none spoke. Ella avoided them altogether and took the chair between Mary and Alice. The other performers lined the far side of the table, looking as uncomfortable as Lizzy felt.
Lizzy helped her mother into a chair. “I’m hungry enough to eat a bear.” She claimed her seat as Wes walked into the room.
He glanced at the trio of men standing at the end of the table. “Morning, Sheriff. Gentlemen.” He looked at Lizzy and her mother. “Sorry I’m late.”
“You’re fine, Wes. Lizzy and Ella just got here themselves,” Mother declared. She looked again at the trio. “Gentlemen, I must ask you to either join us for breakfast or wait in the front room until we’ve concluded here.”
The sheriff smiled. “I’m no fool. I know better than to pass up a good meal.” He took a seat beside Wesley.
Fleming and Spiby exchanged glances, then took the empty chairs at the end of the table.
Mother gave a nod. “Wes, would you offer thanks?”
Everyone bowed their heads. Lizzy wondered if Ella’s father and fiancé would have the decency to at least pretend to pray. She couldn’t resist raising her head just enough to spy on them. Spiby sat rigidly, observing the occupants of the table while Wes said grace. Lizzy’s gaze met his. Spiby smirked like he’d caught her stealing eggs from the henhouse. There was something so dark, so evil in his nature, that Lizzy could feel it. His expression left her cold.
“Amen,” most everyone murmured.
Lizzy turned to her mother. She kept her voice low. “I see we have uninvited guests.” There was enough noise going on with the passing of food that she felt certain no one could overhear her.
“Yes, they showed up just as we were coming to the table. I think they’re figuring to use the law to get their way.” Mother handed her a platter of biscuits. “Although with Ella being of age, I’m not sure what they hope to do.”
When You Are Near Page 26
