by David McGhee
Chapter 4: There's kittens everywhere! Why are there so many kittens everywhere!?
Malcolm had not even finished mopping up the excess blood from Harold when Harold's phone rang. Not really thinking and more of in a trance state Malcolm reached into Harold's pocket and took out his phone. It was one of the older Blackberry models. The number wasn't one listed in his phone but he answered it anyways.
"Hello?" Malcolm suddenly became aware of what he just did.
"Yes," The voice on the other line said. "I'm calling about the free kittens ad on Craigslist?"
Malcolm went cold, well, colder. He looked down at Harold's body and felt a wave of guilt wash over him. The man wasn't going to keep all the kittens, all five, for himself. Malcolm slapped his forehead.
"Of course!" He said. "My ex roommate told me about that!" He held the phone between his shoulder and head and bent down to lift Harold's lifeless corpse.
Sorry buddy, Malcolm thought. I thought you were going to pull another dog episode again. And I was mad. Please forgive me won't ya?
"Yeah, I was wondering when and where I could come over and have a look at them?" The man was enthusiastic. "It's for my daughter."
"How sweet." Malcolm said absently, dragging his old friend through the living room. He wasn't too heavy but the only time he ever had strength was when he was mad or about to make a kill, this wasn't one of those times. Malcolm kept on the phone between his shoulder and head as he let go of Harold and opened up a hallway closet.
"Yeah, it's a graduation gift."
Malcolm wasn't able to fit Harold in the closet so he broke his back and stuffed him in best he could. The man on the other line was sort of bugging him so he decided to end it short.
"You can come down to 1444 Platte St. It's the big series of condos near Boulder St." Harold's arm wasn't cooperating so Malcolm left it there and went into the kitchen for a knife. Preferably something serrated. "I'm home right now," Malcolm thought for a moment. "Actually right now is a bad time. Would you mind coming over sometime tomorrow evening? I'm having trouble around the house and I'd prefer to take care of it without interruptions."
"Oh yeah, totally." The man laughed. "What color are they?"
Malcolm went through the silverware drawer but could only find small steak knives. He was getting annoyed and went to the big utensils drawer on the opposite side of the kitchen. "They're black and white. Didn't the post say anything about that?" Still no luck. Malcolm was wondering now if he could just bite the damn thing off.
"No. The post just said there were free kittens to a good home and the phone number. Can I speak with your roommate, is he the one who made the post?"
"Ex roommate." Malcolm corrected him. He gave up and took a small serrated steak knife from the utensil drawer and headed back down toward the hallway closet. "He left this morning." Malcolm used his free arm to pull Harold's left arm completely out of the socket, causing an audible crunching noise.
"What was that?" The man asked.
Damn this man is asking a lot of questions, Malcolm thought bitterly. "I'm cutting up ribs for dinner. What time can you come tomorrow? I work from home."
"Actually I'd like to come over tonight if that's OK with you."
Malcolm stopped in the middle of taking Harold's shirt off and sighed with exasperation. "I told you, not tonight."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." He got the shirt off and could see where he had unplugged Harold's shoulder socket. He took the knife to the middle of where it had been connected and began to saw at it.
"Man, I'd sure like to..." The man on the other line started laughing. Malcolm was not in the mood and was about to go down to that man's house and kill him. "Man I'm just bullshitting ya! Don't post your phone number on the internet asshole!"
Malcolm stopped what he was doing and stood up. "Are you serious? This is a prank call? You know I have your number on this phone. I can easily file a harassment charge on you for bugging me." He went back to the arm yet he stayed on the phone with the guy.
"Oh man... Please don't do that!" Malcolm wasn't sure whether the guy was being sarcastic or not. "Please man. It was just a joke! I'm just a little drunk."
"Too bad I can't be there to drink with ya." Malcolm snapped and got halfway through. "I haven't had a drink since..." He finished up sawing and put the loose arm on top of Harold's shoulder. He looked at his watch. "Since like an hour ago." Technically this is true.
"If I bought you a beer would you forget this mess?"
Malcolm laughed and shut the closet door. There was some resistance but he was able to push it until the door clicked. "You MUST be drunk if you are inviting a complete stranger over."
"I am dude." The man giggled. "I'm just chilling with my roommates. They're in the living room."
"Oh yeah? Where are you then?" Malcolm noticed some congealed blood had flaked onto the floor just below the closet. "Awe fuck!"
"What man?"
"Not you. Listen," He walked back into the kitchen and this time looked in the cupboard below the sink for some foam carpet cleaner. "You want a kitten or not?"
"Um... I'd have to ask my roommates." Malcolm could hear the guy's footsteps. He must be walking on a hardwood floor. He then heard voices in the background, although he couldn't make out what they were talking about he did hear some boos.
"Sorry man. No deal."
Malcolm found what he was looking for. "What about the drink thing? I could really go for a drink." Even if he didn't kill the fucker he could still have some fun with him tonight. He hasn't played creepy stalker in a while now.
"Um..." He talked to whomever was in the room with him again. "Yeah man. Come on over."
"Cool." Malcolm walked back over to the stain below the hallway closet door and sprayed the carpet cleanser on it. "Just text me your address. I'll be over as soon as I am done with this."
Malcolm drove up to the back yard of a single story manila colored house and parked on the side of the road. He got out and as he was walking around to the front yard he pressed the button on his keys, causing his car's locks to turn on. With a beep he was satisfied. He got to the front door and pressed the buzzer. Nothing happened for the next minute so he pressed it again.
A tall blond guy with an under bite wearing nothing but blue plaid boxers answered the door. He was holding a half drunk bottle of Jack Daniels. "Hey man! You must be Malcolm!" He made a motion to hug him but Malcolm stepped away.
He extended his hand toward the bottle and wiggled his fingers. "Bill. You promised me I was going to get drunk tonight." Bill handed him the bottle and smiled. Malcolm took an inhumanly large gulp of the forty proof liquor and winced. It burned beautifully going down.
"So, come in!" Malcolm did as he was told, taking another drink as he did so. Once inside he could see the only light was the blue glow of the television. Another man (who was fully clothed) was passed out on the right side of the couch. Malcolm allowed himself a seat in the middle. He looked up and waited for the half naked man to either sit down or go get him his own drink. Bill just stood there and wobbled.
"Are you going to sit down or do I have to hold you?" Malcolm asked, disgusted.
"I'm going to..." Bill walked slowly over to the couch and sat beside Malcolm. "Man that's a gay thing to say!" Malcolm took yet another swig and placed the bottle on the wooden coffee table before him. The man reached for it.
"No." Malcolm said, slapping Bill's hand away. "You are drunk enough as it is."
"No I'm not!" The guy half laughed and half shouted.
The man on Malcolm's right shifted and leaned over on him. Malcolm pushed him back to the right and the man nearly fell out of his seat.
"Shut the fuck up!" A booming voice shouted from the room across the living area. Malcolm was starting to get homicidal but controlled himself. If he could get the loud man into his car he could drive him somewhere and dispose of the body that way. Although if the guy in the other room were to come out then he'd have some t
rouble, he wasn't too intent on killing two people but he would if he had to. He could always make it look like a break in or something.
The bedroom door handle turned. The person who came out struck Malcolm straight through the heart. Even through the blue light of the room he could see that this man was handsome, this threw a monkey wrench into things.
"Bill! Please! I'm trying to read a book!" Josh told him groggily.
Malcolm noticed that his light was off. "You read in the dark?" He asked. The guy's soft European features were prominent and striking. The eyes looked like a light color but Malcolm couldn't tell for sure what the color was in the light provided.
Josh for a second looked like he had just been asked to solve a trigonometry equation without a calculator. "I just... I WAS reading. Now I'm about to go to sleep."
Malcolm got up and lifted Mr. Passed Out from the couch and let him go on the hardwood floor. He hit with a loud thud and let out a grunt. Bill and Josh watched in horror as his roommate had been man handled. The guy merely said something about how he'd do it tomorrow and rolled over onto his stomach. Josh laughed.
"At least he's not going to choke on his own vomit!" Josh said. Malcolm was delighted to see that his little stunt had amused him. He patted on the right seat cushion beside him, signally Josh to sit down with him. Bill grabbed the bottle and took a long drink from it. Malcolm grabbed the Jack Daniels and slammed it back onto the coffee table. Bill looked over at him and gave his best shit eating grin as if to say “I showed you fucker!”
"So how do you know Bill and Garrick?" Josh asked as he took a seat next to the tall thin man who most likely caused a few bruises on his roommate Garrick. Upon closer inspection Malcolm could see that Josh's hair was short and blue. It tickled him.
"Bill here prank called me." Malcolm motioned to the wobbling man beside him. "And I told him that either he gives me a drink or I report him."
"Yeah. Bill's a fuck tard like that." Josh said.
"Fuck you!" Bill reached for the bottle again but this time Malcolm grabbed his wrist and held on hard. "Man!" The man cried. "You're hurting me!" Josh looked on at what was happening and wasn't sure where it was going.
"Dude. Just let him drink. He'll pass out and pay for it tomorrow." Josh reached for Malcolm's arm. His touch felt good.
Malcolm let go. "OK." He smiled at Josh. Bill took the bottle and cradled it in his arms.
"Daddy's never going to leave you again!" He cooed.
Josh wanted a drink but he thought better of it. Malcolm had more balls so he reached for the Jack Daniels bottle and took it from Bill, who frowned and let out a small mock sniffle. Malcolm took almost three shots worth of the shit before wiping his mouth and handing back the bottle to Bill.
"You're debt still hasn't been paid off yet." Even to Bill, Malcolm's breath wreaked of alcohol and what smelled like metal shavings. "You get one more minute with that bottle before it's mine."
Bill took this as a challenged and tried to drink it all in quick succession. He failed and a fifth through the half empty bottle he spurt out the alcohol from his mouth and nearly dropped the container and spilt it all over the coffee table. Malcolm was quick though and prevented this from happening.
"Goddamn!" Bill burped and covered his mouth with his right hand. "Oh God!" He got up and ran across the living room to the bathroom. He slammed the door and both Josh and Malcolm could hear him puking on the other side.
"Great company you keep." Malcolm said sarcastically as he took another long shot.
"I wish I could move." Josh quipped, his hand reaching for the bottle. Malcolm hesitated for a moment. Something about the gorgeous boy smelled wrong, it certainly wasn't alcohol, more like poppy seed bagels. He could of just been eating those, but the stench was too strong. He would have to have eaten fifty of them to have wreaked like this. When he looked into blue haired guy's eyes he saw the problem. They were pinned smaller than an atom. He's taken down junkies before and it just made him physically ache in his stomach to think that this dude was one of them. He so far liked him so he let him down easy.
"Between you and me, addicts shouldn't drink." Malcolm made the best of a bad situation and winked at his new (hopefully) friend. Josh was stopped cold.
"I don't do drugs man."
Malcolm smiled. "You're breathing could get dangerously shallow. I'm not letting my new buddy die of asphyxiation."
Even through the dim light, Malcolm could see Josh blush. It contrasted greatly with his hair. Malcolm took another long gulp, by this time the bottle was nearing completion.
Josh tried to change the subject. "How can you drink so much?"
Malcolm placed the bottle on the coffee table and looked back toward Josh. "Did you know that people with light colored eyes can pack it away more than their darker counterparts?"
"No shit." Josh sat back.
"It's true! It has something to do with the melanin or something." Malcolm stopped and thought for a second. “I think?” They both sat in awkward silence until Bill heaved again and made a loud splashing sound.
"Awe fuck all!" Bill shouted. "Josh, Garrick, New Guy? Get me a towel!"
Josh got up and walked over to the bathroom door. "You're in the fucking bathroom guy," he said, knocking on the door. "there are towels all around you, you stupid drunk!"
Malcolm winced, here was an addict calling someone a drunk. The hypocrisy especially irked him. "So what do you do for a living?" He asked.
Josh walked back over to the couch and sat down. He reached for the remote on the table and switched it to Seinfeld on channel thirteen. "I'm a barista." He said sadly.
"Sweet." Malcolm took the last swig of the Jack and threw it to the floor. Josh looked over to see where it had landed but couldn't make it out in the darkness of the living room. "I'm a graphic designer." Should he tell the rest of it to him? Yes. Yes he should. "And a professional lady killer."
Josh smiled. "Just how many ladies have you killed?"
"I lost track after fifty to be honest." It was Malcolm's turn to grin now. "I can't tell you how many male's I've slaughtered."
"Must be hard work, would you ever kill me?" Josh stretched and for a moment Malcolm got excited that he may wrap his arm around him, this was quickly dashed when they went back to his side.
Malcolm sighed. "Nah, but I'd kill your roommate in a heartbeat!"
"Yeah. I hate both of them."
Malcolm thought for a moment and smiled. "You know." He said. "I have a room that needs filling at my place. Would you ever consider a dork like me for a roommate?"
Josh looked like he'd just gotten punched in the stomach. His frown went almost to the bottom of his jaw. "I’m pretty complacent right now."
"Oh..." Malcolm wondered what could be done about this. He came up empty. Malcolm pondered out loud. "So no go?"
"I wish man." It was just a small idea, but Malcolm already had the seed of what he was going to do. It involved their drinking habits to boot. But he couldn't do it tonight, that would be too obvious.
"Can somebody help me out of here..." Bill slurred from the other side of the bathroom door. This annoyed both men and they got up to go get the inebriated man off of the floor. Josh accidently stepped on Garrick's arm but all he did was mutter something about stock prices not being enough for him to buy a burrito right now. Josh only wished he was THAT drunk.
Malcolm tried to turn the knob but it was locked. When had he locked it? "Dude." He knocked on the door. "You gotta unlock this door if you want help."
No answer.
"Man, get up and open the door!" Josh shouted. He began pounding on the door. The world almost seemed to be going in slow motion as the alcohol started to hit Malcolm, he hoped that he wasn't soon going to be like that sad soul in there. "Get up or we'll break the door down!"
Malcolm frowned. "Won't that effect your security deposit?"
"Well..." Josh paused. "If he lies on his back and throws up we're all fucked."
"No big loss."
Malcolm said, staring at the door.
"It's a big loss to me man, I don't need no cops around here." Josh began pounding on the door again. After almost a minute they heard the lock click from the other side. Bill came out of the door crawling, his underwear missing. Malcolm admired his ass for a few seconds before he noticed that he was trailing a line of vomit out of his mouth. They both stepped back and Bill passed out on the floor below them.
"Is this normal?" Malcolm asked.
"Yup."
"Makes you sort of glad you aren't one of these guys I bet."
Josh looked away. "Whatever." Malcolm immediately felt bad.
"What did I say?"
Josh sighed. "Nothing. Listen man, I really was gonna go to sleep. But we should exchange numbers, you know, to hang out sometime."
Bill moaned on the ground. Malcolm gave him a soft kick to the side and responded. "Sure. I'd love that."
