by Sarra Cannon
“I don’t want to go away.” The words have left my lips before I even thought about what I was going to say, but it’s the truth. “I know you think I’m the kind of guy who just has fun with a woman for a while and then puts an end to it, but that’s not exactly true.”
I swallow and take a deep breath. This isn’t something I’ve said out loud very many times, or hell, even admitted to myself very often, but I’m willing to fight for what we have. And as vulnerable as I feel right now, I know that opening up to her is the only way to fight.
“I like to have a good time,” I say, half-smiling. “There’s no doubt about that. But I want more, too. I’ve just never met the right girl.”
I find myself repeating my sister’s words, realizing just how true they are. And realizing that the right girl might be sitting right in front of me.
“If you don’t want to be with me, that’s one thing,” I say. “But if you’re feeling the same way I am right now and you want to see where this might go, then you need to talk to me. I know it’s scary and messy and there’s no way to control the outcome, but there are some risks worth taking, Jo. If there’s something you need to say, I’m listening.”
My entire body is buzzing and aware, knowing that this is completely new for me. She’s right. Sex for me is usually about having a good time and not thinking too much about the future. I’m used to just following my instincts and letting it go wherever it goes. But Jo is different. She’s so guarded and works so hard to protect herself. I’m not sure if there’s room for more with her, but I want to know if there’s a chance of hope.
I give her time to respond, not saying anything. I just sit and wait, the fire warming my trembling body.
And finally, she speaks.
“Back in high school, I got really close to someone who hurt me,” she says. “It changed me in ways I can’t even explain to you. After that happened, I decided falling in love wasn’t worth it. I haven’t wanted to open myself up to that kind of pain again.”
A tear falls down her cheek and she wipes it away quickly.
“Not until now,” she says softly.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” I say. I place my hand on her leg and she looks up.
“How do you know that?” she asks.
It’s such a simple question, but as we sit here, I think we both realize that it’s a question that has no answer. We can’t possibly know what the future will bring. A relationship never begins with the knowledge of how it will end. Or if it will end.
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” she says. “If we take this step, it changes things between us forever. It changes me. And no matter how great things are at the beginning, I’m not sure I can handle the way it would feel to lose you.”
“So you’d rather lose me now?” I ask, shaking my head.
“It’s easier to lose someone before you truly love them,” she says.
“But then you’d never know what it was like to love them. Isn’t love worth taking the risk?”
As I stare at her, the fireglow caressing the side of her face, it hits me so hard I almost can’t breathe.
I’m already falling in love with her.
Breathless, I move closer, placing my hand on her cheek and wiping a fresh tear away with my thumb.
“I don’t know what happened to you in high school or who the jerk was who hurt you, but I can promise you one thing,” I say. “If you are willing to let down your walls and give this a real shot, I will do everything I can to make sure you don’t get hurt. If things don’t work out between us, then we will at least know we both gave it everything we had. We can’t see the future or know our fate, but I can’t turn my back on the way I feel about you.”
“I can’t be another fling,” she says, her tears falling freely now. “With me, things are going to be complicated, Colton. I can’t promise you a carefree good time like those other girls.”
“That’s not what I want from you,” I say. “All I want is for you to let go and give this a real chance. Take a risk that this could be real. This could be everything we’ve both been waiting for.”
The room is charged with the tension of our words, as if a battle is being waged between our hearts. There is nothing but push and pull, fear and need. And one decision left hanging in the balance.
Is the risk of regret worth the chance at love?
My heart waits, every inch of me tense and trembling. I know my answer, my decision. I’m just waiting for her to make hers.
And when she finally meets my eyes, I know the answer is yes.
Chapter Eighteen
Colton takes me in his arms and his lips descend on mine.
I’m overcome by the passion of his kiss, his words, his body pressing against mine. I never expected things to go this far between us, but now that we’re here, I want nothing more than to lose myself in him.
No, not myself. I want to lose my fear. I want to lose the pain of the past and step toward an uncertain future.
I wrap my arms around him, opening myself in a way I was afraid I would never be able to again. I shiver against him. Not from cold, but from release. I don’t know if it will last, but in this moment, I release all the things that have held me back for so long. And with that release, a flood of passion breaks through the walls, washing over me with such force I cling to him for dear life.
My hands grip his back, digging into his bare skin, pulling him closer.
His lips break from mine and he kisses a trail along my jaw and down my neck. I lean my head back, the motion opening my heart further. A moan escapes my throat, and I hardly recognize the sound.
It’s the sound of desire and longing. It’s the sound of need replacing fear.
It’s the sound of truly letting go.
Colton’s fingertips slide the straps of my tank top off my shoulders as he kisses his way down, caressing my skin. I pull back to give him access, letting my hands roam the muscles of his chest, feeling the hard ridge of his abs and playing with the space just above the band of his pants.
His eyes lift to mine, his lips parted and his breathing fast and heavy.
Without glancing away, he pushes my shirt all the way down my body, taking his sweet, torturous time.
No one has seen my body in this way in a very long time, and I’m nervous for him to see me. My instinct is to cover myself, my arms pulling back to hide my nakedness.
But he takes my hands in his and moves them to my side, letting his own hands travel up and down my bare arms, his fingertips like a brush, painting me with strokes of desire.
When his hands move to my breasts, they are warm and soft, each touch igniting something inside me. Trust. Confidence. Hunger.
He grabs a large pillow from the couch and sets it on the floor in front of the fire.
“Lie down,” he says.
I suck in a breath, wanting this more than I can say, but knowing there is one thing that could ruin this moment. I’m almost embarrassed to ask, but I can’t go any further without it.
“Do you have a condom?” I ask softly.
Please say yes.
He smiles that deliciously sexy half-smile that teases at the corners of one side of his mouth. “Just a second,” he says.
He leans forward to grab his jeans and rummages in the pocket for his wallet. I release my breath when he pulls a condom from inside, one eyebrow raised as he looks at me.
He sets the packet beside the pillow and lowers me all the way to the floor, the soft blanket now warm beneath me.
My tank top is still wrapped around my midsection, and he slowly pulls it down my legs and off my body. His fingers tease the waistband on my underwear, and his eyes meet mine, asking for permission.
I nod, my heart fluttering like the wings of a hummingbird in my chest.
He bites his lower lip and slowly pulls the last of my clothes down and away, leaving me naked beneath him. I try to sit up, but he shakes his head, taking in the sight of me.
My face and ne
ck flush with warmth, nervous of what he must be thinking. He has so much more experience at this than I do, and I’m terrified I somehow won’t measure up.
But when he lowers himself to the floor at my side, the feel of his skin against mine sets me at ease.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says, his hands moving up and down my body slowly.
I hide my face behind my hands, embarrassed and happy. I’m so used to pushing men away that I don’t know how to handle compliments.
I’m giggling and giddy, but when his hands explore below my waist, so close to the warmth between my legs, my laughter fades. I stare up at him as he touches me, my body naturally lifting to meet him. I’m on a rollercoaster ride, wanting it to go both fast and slow at the same time.
I move onto my side, facing him, and he kisses me again.
The room spins, heat pulsing off of us as the rain continues to pound against the tin roof of the cabin. I move my hands to his chest, unable to drag this out any longer. I want him.
My fingers find the drawstring on his sweatpants and fumble with the knot as we kiss. He moans against me, his hands growing impatient as he grips my back. I finally manage to free the knot and with one motion, slip my thumbs into the waistband of his pants and push them down.
The last barrier between us falls away and a promise is made as he pushes me back against the floor and positions himself above me. It’s an unspoken promise, but it’s real just the same. I can see it in his eyes and feel it in the way my heart beats against his.
It’s a promise that no matter what happens between us, we will always have this moment where our hearts were truly open.
As his body joins with mine, a cry sounds from deep inside me and tears flow from my eyes. But they are not tears of regret or fear or sadness.
They are tears of surrender.
Chapter Nineteen
Jo is asleep next to me on the floor, her body snuggled against mine under the blanket.
Our fire is down to a few smoldering embers, but I don’t want to wake her. Her hair is dry and rolls in waves around her face and over her shoulders. I run a finger along her cheek and she nestles closer, her hand resting on my chest.
There is an invisible force pulling my heart toward her now. It’s unlike anything I’ve felt before, and I’m not sure whether to be ecstatic or terrified.
What exactly am I getting myself into?
I meant every word of what I said to her, but what if I am not enough for her? What if I screw this up like I’ve done so many other times?
Hurting her would destroy me.
But we’ve gone too far to turn back now. We’re connected in a way we can’t erase, so there’s no choice but to move forward and see what lies ahead for both of us. I have no idea how it will affect things at work. Her father seems to like me, so that’s a huge plus, but now my job depends on this relationship. My home depends on it, too, considering I’m living in her garage.
If I mess this up and lose her, I’ll lose everything.
That’s a lot riding on this step we’ve taken together.
Lying here, though, watching her sleep, I know it’s worth it. I just hope I can be the man she needs for me to be. I hope I can be worthy of her.
A chill goes through me, and I realize the fire has completely gone out. It’s still pouring rain outside and the sun is going down, which means it’s going to get much colder very quickly. With no power out here in the cabin, we’re going to need a fire to make it through the night.
I sit up, carefully moving my arm from behind her head. She stirs and smiles, her eyes closing again as I cover her shoulders with the blankets.
My clothes are dry, so I slip back into my boxers and jeans and pull my t-shirt over my head before I go out to get more wood from the pile. I stand outside for a few minutes, watching the sun set over the lake.
I used to love coming out here. Why did I stop? It’s so peaceful and quiet except for the sound of the rain falling. I glance over at the pair of rickety wooden rocking chairs and smile. I can still picture my grandfather sitting out here for hours. Sometimes we’d play checkers or cards, and sometimes we’d just sit talking about life and family. He had a lot of stories to tell, and it didn’t matter that I’d heard them all a hundred times.
Standing here, my heart open, I miss him so much it hurts.
The door to the cabin creaks open and Jo walks out, yawning. She’s wearing nothing but my plaid button-up, and it sets my heart racing all over again.
“Wow,” I say, whistling. “You’re killing me here.”
She blushes and laughs. “It was dry and warm,” she says. “I forgot to put my tank top by the fire, so it’s still a little damp.”
She walks over to where I’m standing and wraps her arms around my waist. Man, I could get used to this.
“Speaking of our fire, I’m going to have to start over,” I say. “We might be here for a while, and it’s supposed to get pretty chilly tonight.”
“Oh my gosh, I need to call my dad,” she says, pulling away and running toward the house. “I bet he’s worried sick.”
I follow her inside and get her phone from my duffel bag where I stashed it earlier to save it from the downpour.
“Crap, it’s almost dead,” she says, dialing. She bites at her thumbnail as she waits for him to answer. Finally, she shakes her head. “He’s not answering.”
“He’s probably at the bar still doing inventory,” I say. “Or watching TV.”
“He’s always forgetting to take his phone with him,” she says. “I’ll try the bar.”
She lifts the phone to her ear, and I duck back outside to grab the wood. When I come back in, she’s talking to Knox.
“Hey, Knox. It’s Jo. Is Daddy there with you?” she asks. She frowns. “Is he okay?”
I stack the wood in the fireplace, but keep an eye on her reactions.
“Okay, well can you let him know that Colton and I got stuck in the rain?” She shifts her weight from one foot to the other. “No, we’re fine. We couldn’t make it back to your house, so we’re hiding out at his grandpa’s old cabin for a while. We’ll head back once the rain stops.”
She pauses and laughs. I release the breath I’ve been holding. For a second there, I thought maybe something had happened to her dad. In my mind I was already brainstorming ways to get her home in this rain.
“No, you don’t have to do that,” she says. “Listen, there’s no power out here and my phone is almost dead, so if you don’t hear from me in the morning, maybe come get us, okay? I’ll put Colton on the phone and he can tell you where we are.”
She holds the phone out to me.
“It’s Knox,” she whispers.
“Hey,” I say. “Do you know where Old Porter Road is?”
“Not a clue,” Knox says with a laugh.
The phone beeps telling me I’m almost out of time to explain it.
“About a mile down from where we turn off to get to your house, there’s a little dirt road on the left with no sign,” I say. “It’s across from the Martin’s farm. If you go down that way for a bit, the road will come to a T. Turn left and follow it all the way down. That’s where you’ll find us. Hopefully the rain will cool off at some point and we’ll be able to make a break for it.”
“I didn’t realize you had a cabin out there,” Knox says.
The phone beeps again.
“This phone is about out of juice, so I’ll have to explain it to you later,” I say. “But we’ll text you if we make it home.”
“If I wake up in the morning and the boat’s back, I’ll know you made it,” he says. “If not, I’ll head out there and check on you guys. And Colton?”
“Yes?”
“Take care of my cousin, okay? She may act tough, but she’s more fragile than she seems.”
I nod even though I know he can’t see me. “I will,” I say.
And as I watch her loading more wood onto the stack, her hair wild and free and a smile on her face
, I realize I’ve never wanted to take care of anything more than I do her.
“What did he say?” she asks. She looks so good wearing my shirt, I can barely answer.
She has me breathless.
“He said if we aren’t home by morning, he’ll come rescue us,” I say. Although I swear I could spend the rest of my life right here in this cabin with her. No rescue necessary.
“So, are you going to get this fire going, or what?” she asks with a smile.
“Yes, ma’am,” I say. “I am at your service, Boss.”
She narrows her eyes. “We’re not going back to that again, are we?”
“If the shoe fits,” I say with a shrug.
She smacks my arm, but the smile on her face tells me everything I need to know. She’s happy, and right now that’s the only thing in the world that matters to me.
I turn my attention back to the fire, but with her sitting close, it’s awfully distracting. Her knee is touching mine, and all I want to do is run my hand along her thigh. Talk about playing with fire.
Just when I think I won’t be able to focus enough to get this thing going, Jo stands up and grabs an old oil lantern off the mantel.
“Does this thing still work?” she asks.
“Let’s light ‘er up and see.” I pull the glass off and turn the key to lift the wick. It lights right up, throwing fresh light around the darkening room.
“Cool,” she says when I hand it to her. “I want to explore.”
“There isn’t much to see, but have at it,” I say.
“You said this was your mother’s father’s place?” she asks. “Did she grow up here?”
“No, they had a house in town over in Westbrook. She and her three sisters grew up there. My grandpa built this place with his own two hands when she was in elementary school,” I say. “They used to come out here on the weekends to fish and swim in the lake. After the girls were grown up and my grandma passed, he sold the house and came to live out here permanently. He loved this place.”
After I get the fire going again, I follow her to the kitchen, signs of my grandfather everywhere I look. His old work gloves sitting on the counter. Loose change in the mason jar on top of the fridge. A picture of him with a big catch out on the dock, his dusty overalls bringing back so many memories it nearly knocks me over.
