“OH NO!” I shrieked hysterically. “I’m hearing voices! Those TOXIC sewage fumes have killed off the few brain cells I had left! And now I’m irreversibly brain damaged!”
“Really?! Well, that’s a pretty LAME excuse for stealing my cell phone and then prank-calling me,” the girl answered sarcastically. “But you obviously have some issues.”
That’s when I realized the voice WASN’T coming from inside my head. It was actually coming from . . .
MY BUTT?!
I quickly grabbed the cell phone out of my back pocket and stared at it. Then she said . . .
“Um . . . HELLO?! I’m REALLY sorry about all of this! I didn’t mean to call you. It was an accident. Honest!” I apologized profusely. “GOOD-BYE!”
Then I clicked the red button to end the call.
Problem solved.
“HEY, BOSS! COME LOOK AT THESE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS! I BET THEY’RE FROM THAT KID!” someone shouted from down the hall.
It was TUCKER! The burglars were HOT on my trail AGAIN!
Suddenly the cell phone started blasting a cheesy boy band song! . . .
“LISTEN, GURL! WE HAVE A CONNECTION! I LUV U MORE THAN MY LEGO COLLECTION!”
I cringed. WORST. RINGTONE. EVER!
Most girls, including my sister, Megan, have been playing that boy band song NONSTOP since it came out a few weeks ago. I absolutely HATE it! I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and POOP better lyrics!
But please don’t tell my PSYCHO-FAN sister I said that! She’d crush my skull like an empty juice box!
I quickly answered the phone, mostly just to stop that crappy song from playing. “HELLO?!”
“I CAN’T believe you just HUNG UP on me!” the girl said icily.
“Listen, I can’t talk right now!” I said, starting to get annoyed. “I’m really busy, okay?”
“Let me guess! You’re busy stealing more cell phones?!” she shot back.
“I didn’t STEAL your phone! WHO is this?”
“What do you mean, ‘WHO is this?’ Who are YOU?” she snapped. “You’ve got A LOT of nerve, prank-calling my home phone number!”
“I didn’t do it on purpose. I must have accidentally BUTT-DIALED you. I found your phone in the lost-and-found box in the girls’ locker room. I’m just borrowing it, okay? And after I’m done using it, I’ll put it right back in there. I promise! Good-bye!”
CLICK! I hung up on her again. Problem solved!
“SOME OF THESE FOOTPRINTS LEAD TO THE BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM!! I BET HE’S STILL IN THERE!” Moose yelled.
Now they were right across the hall. I rushed to lock MY door, but it required a key. OH, CRUD!!
The phone started blasting that stupid song again. . . .
“LISTEN, GURL! WE HAVE A CONNECTION! I LUV U MORE THAN MY LEGO COLLECTION!”
I glanced nervously at the door, hoping the crooks didn’t hear the music, and quickly answered the phone. “HELLO? I’m sorry you lost your phone. But you really need to STOP CALLING me, okay?”
“WHAT were you doing in the GIRLS’ LOCKER ROOM?!” the girl yelled. “On second thought, I don’t even want to know the answer!”
“It’s not what you think! I just needed some clean . . . Forget it. Listen, I’m going to hang up now. But PLEASE don’t call me again. You’re going to get me KILLED!” I whisper-shouted. “It’s kind of an emergency. I’m dealing with some deranged burglars! And I don’t want them to hear your phone ringing!”
“BURGLARS?!! Seriously?!” the girl exclaimed. “You should have told me that to begin with. I’ll call 911 for you. Where are you?! They’ll need an address.”
“NO!! PLEASE DON’T DO THAT! Not right now, anyway. And, besides, I didn’t say ‘burglars,’ I said . . . um, ‘BURGERS,’ actually!!”
“DERANGED BURGERS?! Okay, dude, you need help! But NOT from the police!”
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Now the men were banging on the door of the boys’ locker room across the hall! “This is INSANE!” I muttered as I cautiously peeked out. . . .
THE BURGLARS, TRYING TO GET ME TO OPEN THE DOOR TO THE BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM!
“YEAH, KID! YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE! WE’RE A LOT SMARTER THAN YOU! SO JUST GIVE UP!” Tucker yelled.
Moose squealed like a pig, “CINDERELLA, OPEN THE DOOR! I’VE GOT YOUR SHOE! DON’T YOU WANT YOUR SHOE, CINDERELLA?!”
“THAT’S IT! WE’RE DONE PLAYING GAMES, YOU LITTLE PUNK!” Ralph growled. “BEFORE THIS NIGHT IS OVER, SCHOOL IS GONNA BE OUT FOR YOU, KID! PERMANENTLY!!”
“Listen, I don’t mean to get into your business,” the girl said, “but it sounds to me like you’re in SERIOUS trouble. Are you still at SCHOOL this late? WHY . . . ?! HOW . . . ?!”
“Um . . . would you believe by . . . accident?” I muttered.
“Accident?! Wait a minute! OMG! Is this MAX CRUMBLY?! This is ERIN!”
“E-ERIN?!” I stammered. “What’s up? I remember you saying you were looking for something, but I didn’t know it was your phone. Well, I . . . um, found it for you. . . .”
BAM! BAM! BAM!
“OPEN UP, KID! WE’LL BREAK THIS DOOR DOWN IF WE HAVE TO!” Ralph yelled.
“So you ARE dealing with BURGLARS! I can hear them yelling and making all that noise in the background. Please, just tell the truth!” Erin said.
“Oh! You mean . . . THOSE burglars?!” I laughed nervously. “I think I was a little harsh to call them deranged. We just got off on the wrong foot, that’s all! But don’t worry, I have everything under control.”
“Do you actually expect me to believe that?!”
“Gee, Erin! I’d love to chat with you longer, but, unfortunately, I’m going to have to rudely hang up on you again! GOOD-BYE!”
I quickly shoved the phone back into my pocket.
Then I stared at the unlocked door.
There was no way I was going to be able to SNEAK past those three thugs.
My situation was hopeless. I was trapped.
“JUST GREAT!! I’m NEVER going to get out of here ALIVE!” I muttered aloud.
“Um, you know I’m STILL here, right?” Erin said drily.
OOPS! I guess I’d forgotten to hit the red “end call” button.
“MAX, JUST STAY ON THE LINE! I’M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE! RIGHT NOW!”
27. A FEW FRIES SHORT OF A HAPPY MEAL?! REALLY?!
The first thing the police were going to do was contact my parents. Then I’d have to explain WHERE I’d been all evening, HOW I got stuck inside my locker, WHO did it, and WHY my dad’s comic book was at school.
Very soon I was going to be the ONLY eighth grader in the ENTIRE WORLD drinking juice from a sippy cup and having naptime on a fuzzy rug while being HOMESCHOOLED by my GRANDMOTHER!
Sorry, but Max C. was NOT going down like that!! Desperate times called for desperate measures, like maybe the . . . TRUTH!!
“Wait, Erin! PLEASE! Don’t call the police!” I pleaded. “I’ll be honest with you, okay? Those burglars have something extremely valuable that belongs to my dad. I was stupid and brought it to school after he told me not to. Do you have any idea how much trouble I’m going to be in?! And, to make matters worse, my parents will pull me out of this school. I was just starting to like this place. Well, except for Thug Thurston! And the fact that I don’t have a single friend here. I’m also sick and tired of being slammed INSIDE my locker. Okay, actually . . . I HATE THIS STUPID SCHOOL! But I HATE being homeschooled by my GRANDMA even more! And if I have to leave, at least I want to do it on my own terms. . . .”
Yes, I KNOW! I sounded pretty PATHETIC. But I had to convince Erin NOT to call the police, or my life was pretty much OVER! I continued. . . .
“Anyway, my plan is to get back my dad’s property BEFORE the police get involved. All I need is fifteen minutes. Maybe even LESS time than that! Will you please just give me a chance? TRUST me on this.”
Suddenly it was super quiet on the other end of the line. Had Erin hung up on me? “Hello! Are you still ther
e? No? Actually, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t waste time talking to ME either . . . ,” I mumbled.
Then I heard a deep sigh.
“MAX CRUMBLY! You’ve given me ZERO good reasons to trust you so far! You’re reckless and completely out of touch with reality. Frankly, I suspect you’re a few fries short of a Happy Meal!”
OUCH!! That HURT!!
“But . . . I’m going to trust you. Just because you’re my friend,” she explained.
WHOA!! Did Erin Madison just call me a FRIEND?!
“But ONLY under TWO CONDITIONS!” Erin said. “First, you have to let me help you. I can use the school’s new system for controlling the cameras and lights and stuff remotely to track the burglars. Then at least we can see and hear them.”
“Hold on! Are you saying our school has surveillance cameras?!” I gasped in shock. “NO WAY!”
I cringed at the thought of kids laughing at videos of my numerous meltdowns and super-embarrassing antics on their phones during lunch on Tuesday. . . .
EVERYONE IN THE CAFETERIA LAUGHING AT THE CRAZY VIDEO OF ME!
“Well, it’s not up and running for the entire school yet. They’re installing it in phases as the PTA raises the money,” Erin explained. “But it will be better than nothing. We’ll have audio and video, and I’ll be able to control the lights and the PA system and other stuff. I just need the password to get access.”
“Oh, is that all you need? Just the password! Sounds simple enough!” I said sarcastically.
“Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, as the president of the computer club, I had to go to the office to get the password for our website. I actually watched the principal go into his office and get it from an index card that was taped to the bottom of his bowling trophy. I’m guessing all of his passwords are written there. Do you think you can get your hands on it?”
“Seriously? A bowling trophy?! Consider it done!” I answered.
“Now, my second condition,” Erin continued, “is really important. . . . DON’T YOU DARE HANG UP ON ME AGAIN!! Put the phone on vibrate. And if you don’t answer by the third ring, I’m going to assume you’re in big trouble and call the cops! DEAL?!”
“Come on! I just explained all of that!” I protested.
“It’s your choice, Max! Take it or leave it!”
“My, aren’t WE a little BOSSY?!” I shot back.
“YEP! Twenty-four/seven! My favorite song is ‘Girls Rule!! Boys Drool!!’ I’m sure you’ve heard that one before?”
“Yes, I have. But NOT nearly as much as that CRUDDY song ‘LEGO LUV’! Sorry, Erin! I’d rather listen to a toilet flush than your ringtone! But . . . yeah, it’s a DEAL,” I reluctantly agreed. Like I really had a choice in the matter.
“And, Max . . . one last thing . . . ,” Erin said hesitantly.
“But you just said there were only TWO conditions.”
“Please STAY SAFE! Or I swear! I’ll come down there and . . . KILL YOU myself!! Got that?! UH-OH! I think my parents are back from their movie. E-mail me that password ASAP! I’ll call you back in ten minutes, okay?”
CLICK!! Erin hung up on me before I could even answer.
As I placed the phone on vibrate and stuck it in my back pocket, I suddenly realized I was now more TERRIFIED of girls than EVER. And ONE in particular.
Erin Madison was so SMART, she was SCARY!
Suddenly I had a brilliant idea. I quickly searched the room. Just as I had suspected, there was a VENT above the lockers in the back of the room.
WOO-HOO! I felt like doing my victory dance!
I had barely climbed back inside the ventilation system when Moose, Tucker, and Ralph burst into the girls’ locker room like crazed MANIACS. . . .
I JUST BARELY ESCAPED THE BURGLARS!
“I SWEAR I heard something in here!” Tucker exclaimed. “Voices AND music! Moose thought it was coming from the boys’ locker room, but it sounded to me like it was coming from over here.”
Ralph glared at Tucker. “Why am I NOT surprised you’re hearing things?! You must have FORGOTTEN to take your MEDS again!”
“I’m NOT crazy, Ralph! I know what I heard! It was my favorite tune. You know, the one by that boy band that goes like this: ‘Listen, gurl, we have a connection! I luv u more than my Lego collection!’ ” Tucker sang, very off-key.
“STOP SINGING! YOU’RE MAKING MY EARS BLEED!” Ralph yelled.
Suddenly Moose looked super anxious. “Listen up, guys. Maybe there are GHOSTS in this school! I saw a TV documentary on ghosts, and some of them are . . . REAL! I’m thinking we should just leave. . . .”
Ralph got SO mad, his eyes were practically bulging out of his head.
“I HOPE they’re REAL!! You know WHY? Because I’d FIRE you two IDIOTS and HIRE the GHOSTS!! Then I could finally get down to business, LOAD UP THE STINKIN’ COMPUTERS, AND MOVE ON WITH MY DANG LIFE! TUCKER! MOOSE! THERE’S NOTHING IN THIS ROOM! NOTHING!! NO VOICES! NO MUSIC! NO GHOSTS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!”
“Yeah, boss,” Tucker and Moose answered glumly.
Just then Ralph’s cell phone rang. He looked at it and cringed.
“SHEESH! It’s TINA again?! She’s going NUTS! How am I supposed to get any work done with her calling me every five minutes, screaming at me about her mother?! Just forget the kid. He’s probably harmless anyway. Let’s load up the computers and get the heck out of here. Before TINA has a COW!!”
“Listen, boss, since we’re not gonna be wasting any more time looking for that kid, can we at least EAT our PIZZA now? It’s getting cold!” Moose whined.
“Yeah!” Tucker agreed. “The buffalo wings are getting cold too!”
“NOOO!!” Ralph bellowed. “What part of ‘NO’ do you FOOLS not understand?!”
Moose glared at Ralph. “Well, Aunt Tina is going to be VERY upset when she finds out you wouldn’t let her favorite nephews eat dinner!”
Tucker crossed his arms and smirked at Ralph. “Yeah! And Aunt Tina is already REALLY, REALLY mad at you!”
All the color drained right out of Ralph’s face. He looked like he was about to have a stroke!
Honestly! If stupidity were a crime, these guys would be sentenced to LIFE in prison!! Tucker, Ralph, and Moose didn’t know it yet, but if things went according to plan, TINA and COLD PIZZA were going to be the LEAST of their problems!
28. HOW I DISCOVERED THE STICKY NOTE OF DOOM
I was happy that Erin agreed to help me out. I guess this meant we were FRIENDS again.
CRAZY, right?!
Maybe I’ll join the computer club after all and we can hang out after school.
But don’t get it twisted!
Like I said earlier, I’m NOT crushing on her or anything. I hardly even know the girl.
And yes, I really needed to break the news to her that, in addition to her cell phone, I was ALSO borrowing her Ice Princess costume.
But since she was so traumatized by her play getting canceled, I’d probably just keep the costume a SECRET for a little while longer.
I know. I KNOW! You DON’T have to tell me.
Okay, people, let’s say it all together. . . .
DUDE! THAT’S JUST WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!
Anyway, I guess I gave the burglars such a hard time, they’d FINALLY given up on trying to capture me.
I was a little INSULTED that they actually called me HARMLESS. Really?
What am I? CHOPPED LIVER?!
I may not be as MEAN as Ralph, as STRONG as Moose, or as blissfully STUPID as Tucker.
But I DID have a private entrance into the ventilation system from my locker, which gave me SECRET access to the ENTIRE SCHOOL!
I COULD TOTALLY RUN THIS PLACE! FOR REAL!
My plan was to spy on the burglars and watch their every move until I got the perfect opportunity to swoop in and swipe my dad’s comic book.
Then I’d dial 911 for the police and call it a night.
The good news was that my new clothing made it a lot easier to move around inside the vents.
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But crawling around on my hands and knees was getting old.
What I needed was . . .
SPEED!!
I was passing by the vent door to the janitor’s closet and just happened to look inside.
That’s when I spotted the PERFECT piece of equipment. . . .
IT WAS KIND OF A SOUPED-UP, OVERSIZED SKATEBOARD!
It had four-inch nonskid wheels that were soft, rubbery, and completely quiet, and, most important, it was . . .
SUPER FAST!!!
Now I could get from one end of the school to the other in LESS than sixty seconds. . . .
ZOOOOOOM!!!
I was rocketing through those vents SO fast that it almost seemed like I was actually . . .
FLYING!!!
It was the COOLEST thing EVER!
I felt like a real TEEN SUPERHERO!
I was fighting EVIL and INJUSTICE in the DANK, DARK, and sometimes DANGEROUS halls of MIDDLE SCHOOL!!
Things were going to be different in my life from this point forward.
Starting with my LOCKER!
I removed my combination lock and reattached it UNDER my door handle with a paper clip so that it only appeared to be locked.
Since I could now open the door from the inside, I would NEVER, EVER be locked in there AGAIN!!
SORRY ABOUT THAT, THUG!
GET OVER IT!
I did my VICTORY DANCE and moonwalked down the hallway back to the vent.
My next task was to get that password for Erin.
Which, unfortunately, meant SNOOPING around inside . . .
THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!!
Entering the principal’s office without permission would DEFINITELY get me some serious after-school detention or possibly get me kicked out of school.
Which meant homeschooling with Grandma again.
I broke into a cold sweat just thinking about it.
I had to resist the urge to get on the principal’s computer and complete the paperwork to transfer THUG to another middle school.
In SIBERIA!!
I spotted a strange-looking bowling trophy sitting on the desk, just as Erin had said.
The Misadventures of Max Crumbly 1 Page 8
