by Ian Doescher
Why answerest thou not my many bells?
More times I rang for thee to hither come
Than old Westminster Abbey chimes each day.
DIONNE
Call me not lass if thou wouldst answer’d be.
[Students gather to hear Dionne and Murray argue.
MURRAY
Where wert thou all the livelong weekend, dear?
My fear doth grow that thou dost jump the jeep
With someone else and cuckold makest me.
DIONNE
“Dost jump the jeep”? What newfound words are these?
MURRAY
Thou knowest well the meaning of the phrase.
DIONNE
If thou wouldst speak of sex upon four wheels,
Perchance thou wilt address another matter:
How did this hair extension—from a mart
Whose worthlessness is known e’en by the simple—
Appear within thy carriage’s back seat?
MURRAY
Nay, ask me not. It seemeth that the strand
Is one of thy thin locks, spaghetti-like,
Which e’er adorn the pasta of thy pate.
DIONNE
No cheap, substandard hair hath ever touch’d
The fashionable head of Dionne, lout!
It, peradventure, cometh from Shawanna—
She wanna find her way inside thy trousers!
CHER
Dee, I must fly, for class begins anon!
[Cher walks on.
DIONNE
Farewell!
MURRAY
—Why wouldst thou—
DIONNE
—Nay, we two are done.
Like Anne Boleyn, there’s naught for us ahead.
MURRAY
Mayhap the red moon rises over thee,
And thou art in thy menses once again?
[All students gasp.
DIONNE
O, villain of unpardonable speech!
[Exeunt Dionne and Murray, arguing.
CHER
[aside:] In sooth, I know not wherefore Dionne doth
Spend all her courting time with high school lads.
They are like dogs, ill-manner’d and uncouth,
Which one must ever clean and feed and train—
Such nervous creatures, slobbering about
And leaving stains upon thy garments best.
[A boy approaches Cher and puts his arm around her.
[To boy:] Off, brute! Or I shall cage thee. [Aside:] Fie, as if!
As if he should so blatantly approach,
As if I would, then, fall into his arms,
As if we two familiar would become,
As if he could usurp my maidenhood!
CHER walks into class with other STUDENTS, including MURRAY, TRAVIS, ELTON, and AMBER. Enter MASTER WENDELL HALL, teaching.
HALL
The question of our time today is this:
Should all oppressèd people of the world
Be given refuge in America?
Is’t inconceivable, or justified?
First Amber, thou shalt take the stance against,
And Cher, thou speakest in defense thereof.
Thou hast two minutes, Cher—I bid thee, speak.
CHER
’Tis well, ’tis passing simple, take ye heed:
The Haiti-ites must to America
An they would safe be from their government,
Yet some would argue—mayhap Amber shall—
’Tis far too great a strain on our resources.
I think upon a garden party, which
For my dear father I did lately hold—
Répondez, s’il vous plaît was my request,
Since ’twas a formal dinner I arrang’d.
Still, some arriv’d who did répondez not,
Which was discourteous in the extreme.
My mind was vex’d by unexpected guests—
Rush’d I unto the kitchen hastily,
Did redistribute food upon the trenchers,
And added table settings in a trice.
Though there was much of Sturm und Drang that day,
“The more the merrier!” was soon the cry.
All’s well that ends well, as the maxim goes.
Ye see, then, the conclusion of my case:
If but our government hied to the kitchen,
And swiftly rearrang’d the meals therein,
Our party could include the Haiti-ites
And all would have enow to celebrate.
To finish, this reminder would I give:
It sayeth not répondez, s’il vous plaît
Upon the Statue of our Liberty!
[Students applaud.
My thanks—my case doth rest upon this point.
HALL
Now, Amber, ’tis the time for thy reply.
AMBER
Yet, Master Hall, how should this answer’d be?
The topic should be Haiti, yet she speaks
Of parties, meals, and guests. ’Tis nonsense, yea?
CHER
His birthday fiftieth th’occasion was,
Not just a random merriment.
[Amber holds her fingers up to form a W.
AMBER
—Whate’er.
If Cher shall not proceed as ’twas assign’d,
I cannot treat the matter earnestly.
HALL
Ye may be seated, then. Do any here
Have further thoughts upon th’oration that
CHER
hath presented? Elton, pond’rest thou?
ELTON
My thought is this: I am at pains to find
The music program of the Cranberries
That once was here, within my trusty bag.
I must unto the quad, ere it is ta’en.
HALL
Alas, such wandering I’ll not permit.
What further insights from ye scholars young?
TRAVIS
Insights aplenty enter my mind.
HALL
I wait with bated breath upon thy thoughts.
TRAVIS
What I think of the Rolling Stones, sir,
Is how of Nine Inch Nails my children
Shall think—someday, when I have children.
My mother I should, then, not torment.
HALL
Indeed! Thou art far gone from Haiti, Travis,
Yet tolerance is e’er a lesson that
Is worthy of the learning, by my troth—
E’en when the subject out of nowhere comes.
To speak of nowhere—which is, verily,
Where some of ye are headed in your lives—
The time hath come, report cards to distribute.
Shall ye find A thereon? Astounding work.
Perhaps a B? ’Tis Blameless, utterly.
If you spy C, thou hast a Common grade,
Whereas a D is Difficult indeed.
Yet if ye see an F, you have Fail’d me—
Not only me, nay, also fail’d yourselves.
Is there a Christian Stovitz in this class?
CHER
Reports of Christian tell us, Master Hall,
His parents share joint custody o’er him.
He shall, then, split his time in school in twain—
The first semester in Chicagoland,
The second here. To me, the matter’s plain:
A tragedy of our professional legal.
HALL
My thanks for thine astute perspective, Cher.
[Master Hall passes report cards to students in the front row, who disseminate them throughout the class.
TRAVIS
[aside:] Alas, how shall my parents bellow!
HALL
Your conversations, prithee, set aside.
[Travis prepares to jump out the window in dismay.
TRAVIS
[aside:] O, moment dire! I’ll ope the window,
And sleep—and by sleep to say we end
The horrid grades our work is heir to.
HALL
Desist with all your suicide attempts—
I ne’er have lost a student over grades
And do not plan to start the trend today.
If ye would shuffle off this mortal coil,
You must postpone ’til second period.
[He pulls Travis back inside.
CHER
[aside:] Bleak darkness gathers o’er my sunny day
And swarms into first period like gnats
That cloud the firmament with fearful portent.
What change the weather brings, for I’ve receiv’d
A grade of C in my debate class—fie,
’Tis Cruel, Callous, Critical, and Crude!
The bell rings. All disperse.
Enter DIONNE walking with CHER.
O, Dee, hast thou thine own report card got?
DIONNE
Indeed, and I shall pay the price for it,
As if I were the bread, my grades the pyre,
And quickly I’ll be toasted in the flames.
CHER
I chok’d as though a bone lodg’d in my throat.
My father, soon enow, shall see my grade
And like a missile shall ballistic go!
DIONNE
The grades of Master Hall were passing harsh—
What drives a man to treat his students so?
My grade was C, by minus punctuated.
CHER
Mine C, which pulls my av’rage swiftly down.
DIONNE
What shall we do?
CHER
—Some plan we must conceive.
Pray, think on it awhile and we shall speak—
Injustice such as this must answer’d be.
[Exeunt all except Dionne.
DIONNE
C minus, ah! ’Tis passing negative,
Why minus? Tiny line that shakes one’s soul,
Ah, minus! Students wince—this doth define us,
O, wherefore do I have a wretched minus?
[Exit.
The Horowitz house.
Enter CHER, near a portrait of her mother.
CHER
My house, is’t not a classic of design?
The columns are from fifteen ninety-two,
Near prehistoric, by my reckoning.
Behold the portrait of my mother dear,
A betty of a beauty, who hath died
When I was but an infant newly born—
Some accident of fate befell her whilst
She underwent postpartum liposuction.
No memories have I of her, alas,
Yet still pretend she watcheth over me.
[To portrait:] Superb marks earn’d I in geometry,
Art thou not proud thereof, sweet mother mine?
Yet, what is this my senses do receive—
What strains are these that echo in mine ears,
Play’d by a music box of somber tone?
The maudlin melodies of college tunes,
The universally sad harmonies
Resounding through our universities—
These can mean but one thing: Josh hath arriv’d.
Enter JOSH, looking into the ice house.
Canst tell me wherefore thou wouldst listen to
Such ballads as would make a strong man cry?
JOSH
Holla, my halfway sister. Thou art here,
So who then watcheth o’er the Galleria,
Where thou dost ever spend thy precious time?
CHER
Thy shirt of flannel—dost thou pay respect
Unto the gods who make Seattle gray,
Or merely, mayhap, needest thou the warmth
Because thou near the ice house ever stand’st?
[He pokes her side.
JOSH
Thy belly filleth like a burlap sack.
CHER
Thy face doth race to catch up with thy mouth,
For both are filthy.
JOSH
—If thou wouldst face truth,
Thy tongue is far too sharp to match thy mien.
CHER
Thy face too mean for me to hold my tongue.
JOSH
Thy sharpness tells a tale a man could fear.
CHER
Thy tongue and face should turn their tails and flee.
JOSH
A flea would gladly take a turn on thee.
CHER
Thy tongue dost turn its face to tales. Farewell.
JOSH
With my tongue in your tail? Let us restart.
I visited with Father at his office.
CHER
The man is not thy father; wherefore canst
Thou not some other fam’ly find to torture?
JOSH
My mother may have married someone else,
Yet this makes th’other man no father mine.
CHER
Indeed, such is the meaning of the word—
What is a father but thy mother’s love?
Thou turnest words so that their sense doth flee—
I prithee, stay not at our house too long.
JOSH
With such a welcome, surely ’tis my hope,
For who’d not bask in sunshine such as thou
Hast, in these moments, shone upon my soul?
Yet I must disappoint thee—I’ve a place
Near school, in Westwood, where I’ll plague thee not.
CHER
Belike thou wouldst prefer a distant school,
Upon the eastern coast. They say the lasses
Of New York University are plain
And have few standards in their choice of men.
JOSH
Thou shouldst turn jester, funny as thou art.
[Cher opens her music box.
Nay, we’ll not listen to such tripe as this;
The news reports are better for our minds.
CHER
Not in my house an hour, yet thou wouldst force
Thy will on me, dispensing thy commands?
JOSH
Except where thou and all thy friends reside,
Contempo Casual, it is consider’d
A virtue excellent to know the matters
Affecting broader corners of the globe.
CHER
My thanks. In virtue, certainly I need
Instruction from a teacher such as thou.
Remind me what thou know’st of Kenny G,
How silhouettes and songbirds move thy soul?
Enter MEL HOROWITZ.
MEL
Come, children, join me at the dining table,
Your bickering, which I did overhear,
Hath given me a hefty appetite.
[They all sit down together.
Josh, welcome once again unto our home.
Art thou yet growing? Thou dost taller seem
Than when I last saw thee, at Eastertide.
JOSH
Though I have not, of late, ta’en mine own measure,
Methinks I am as large as ever was.
MEL
Looks he not bigger unto thine eyes, Cher?
CHER
’Tis possible his head hath grown a size,
Therein to fit his rising self-esteem.
MEL
Hast thou,
Josh, given thought to our past talks
Of corp’rate law and all its benefits?
JOSH
Yea, many greenbacks may be made therewith,
Yet I would give some green back to the earth
And mayhap ply environmental law.
MEL
Thou wouldst enjoy a sad, frustrating life?
CHER
No matter what Josh does, such shall be his.
MEL
At least the lad knows what he would pursue,
Whilst thou pursuest only fashion’s paths.
He also doth attend a college fine,
Whilst ’tis not in thy plans.
CHER
—Indeed, I have
Not gone to Smith.
JOSH
—Go there? Canst even spell it?
MEL
I would see thee have more direction, Cher.
CHER
Nay, Father, for I have direction plenty.
JOSH
Thy compass pointeth mallward, verily.
MEL
Our conversation bringeth to my mind
Today’s report card. Shalt thou soon amaze
As I admire, appreciate thine As?
CHER
Anon, but ’tis not yet prepar’d for thee.
MEL
What meanest thou? Reports were due today,
We had assurance from the school thereof.
CHER
Some teachers, Father, ply egregious schemes
Upon the tender feelings of thy kin—
In short, they lowball me most viciously.
Thy keen advice I, in this matter, heed:
“Accept thou ne’er the offer which comes first,
For as is true of wines, antiques, and cheeses,
The thing that ages more may better prove.”
The grades receiv’d today are infants mere,
A point from which to ripen, grow, mature—
The starting block from which I’ll win the race,
The jumping-off point whence I’ll higher rise.
Negotiations now begin in earnest.
MEL
In sooth, thou hast well heeded thine old man.
Enter MESSENGER.
All rise as if to answer a summons.
CHER
Is’t Dee who calls?
JOSH
—Some message mine?
[The messenger hands a note to Mel.
MEL
—For me?
A message come from Jacob. What is it?
[Mel reads the message.
Nay, nay, my schedule is already full!
[Exeunt Mel with the messenger.
CHER
Thou hast the color brown upon thy nose,
Which marketh how thou begg’st for Father’s favor.
JOSH
Thou hast the color black upon thy heart,
A churlish, superficial space cadet.
How canst thou think thy teachers e’er will change
