by Ian Doescher
An idea cometh o’er me like a wave.
We shall our next class purposely avoid
And wander happily unto the mall.
Therein we’ll have a fest of calories
And view the latest Christian Slater play,
Wherein he is a lawyer who doth serve
A man accus’d of murder in the first.
Soon Elton shall be but a memory—
Food, friends, and fun shall take thy mind therefrom.
TAI
You two are better friends than I could hope—
So sweet and tender, caring and concern’d.
[They all embrace.
CHER
Let us, then, to the mall with utmost haste!
They walk to the mall and sit down at a restaurant. Enter various WAITERS and DINERS.
DIONNE
We’ll dine here, for the meat is plenty fresh—
I mean the waiters, they who are a feast
For hungry eyes and rav’nous appetites.
See that one there, whose flesh is taut and sleek—
Were he serv’d unto me, I’d eat each bite.
TAI
Yea, share a piece with me—there is enow.
Methinks he is a banquet fit for two.
CHER
As you survey him, what do you conclude?
TAI I would not put him out my chamber doors.
DIONNE
On second glance, he is unduly small;
The man for Dionne shall be bulkier.
CHER
Nay, many muscles are not to my taste—
I like a thinner cut, a finer morsel.
TAI
My palate is not so refin’d as yours—
Be it a man, I’ll sample its delights.
One circumstance, though, slayeth ev’ry craving;
Should someone’s manhood be a warpèd one—
An ’twere a shepherd’s crook or bishop’s crosier—
I’d gladly fast ere sup with such a one.
CHER
Thy meaning is a mystery to me.
A shepherd’s crook or bishop’s crosier—what?
Methought we spoke in dining metaphors,
But thou hast ta’en a most pastoral turn.
DIONNE
I bid thee, Tai, don’t frighten our poor Cher.
TAI
What words of horror said I? Friends, if I
Misspoke, you have my deep apologies.
DIONNE
Our Cher doth save herself for someone more—
Sir Luke of Perry or his noble kind.
TAI
Thou art a virgin, Cher? Impossible!
CHER
Thou say’st the word as if it were a curse,
A spell to place a pox on humankind,
Or incantation from a witch’s mouth:
“Fillet of virgin, in the cauldron boil
And bake, with eye of newt and toe of frog!”
TAI
Use not the vulgar label virgin, please.
The modern and correct phrase thou must use
Is hymenally challeng’d, verily.
CHER
There is no rush to break the bonds asunder,
And cast away my maidenhead thereby.
Ye know how choosy I can be of shoes,
And they must only circumscribe my feet.
I wait upon a man whom I can love,
The person who shall earn the right to Cher.
Does Cher a mighty, noble man deserve?
Does Cher a witty, thoughtful man desire?
Does Cher a simple, honest man pursue?
Does Cher a fun, if foolish, man require?
If thou wouldst plumb my depths, start with “Does Cher?”
TAI
Such depths thou hast, that none may call thee shallow.
CHER
Thou, Dee, art hypocritical, in troth.
TAI
Wait, thou and Murray never did the deed?
Assum’d I you were making the beast with
Two backs, so strong is your relationship.
DIONNE
My lad is satisfied, and hath no cause
For frustrated complaint. Yet, technic’lly,
I am a virgin yet, and there’s an end.
When I do speak of ends, ye catch my drift.
TAI
[aside:] Her drift hath pass’d directly o’er my head.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] ’Tis Saturday, and I do roll,
My homies near, my spirit full,
Some sixteen instruments do play,
Unto the shore we make our way!
Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
Roll with the homies, sip the yak!
TAI
Alack!
CHER
—What? Art unwell? What is it, Tai?
TAI
The music! Listen, for our song is sung—
That unto which sweet Elton and I danc’d.
CHER
Poor flower petal, we cannot protect
Thy heart from ev’ry quaver, clef, and staff.
TAI
[singing:] Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
[Tai begins to cry. Exit Balthasar.
DIONNE
Brave Tai, thy tears are but a foofaraw,
Although, sans doubt, it matters much to thee.
TAI
Apologies, my friends. If I could rid
Myself of these unpleasant memories
By banging of my pate upon the table,
I’d gladly try it. Yea, mayhap I should!
[She slams her head on the table a few times, until Dionne stops her.
DIONNE
Stop, prithee, Tai! Grief makes thee overwrought.
Come with me, to the bathroom, where we shall
Make thee once more presentable and calm.
Cher, we shall meet thee back at school again.
[Exeunt Dionne and Tai. Cher walks back to school.
CHER
Tai’s mourning period is not yet o’er,
And may yet be consid’rable in length.
Unless, perchance, I wade into the waters
Of matchmaking to quickly fill her void.
I’ll peradventure find another lad
To take the place of Elton in a trice.
Yet who? For as I think upon my peers—
Though I’d not be a traitor to my age,
No turncoat to my generation bold—
I do confess confusion and dismay.
The way lads dress is nothing short of odd,
As if they fell, like apples, from their beds,
Adorn’d themselves in poorly fitting pants—
More like broad bags than pantaloons, in troth—
Then cover greasy hair with filthy caps,
Which they wear backward and proclaim it style.
In public they appear array’d as such,
And should we women swoon to see them so?
Nay, I think not, and never shall be sway’d!
To search for lads in high school is a quest
As useless as the hunt for meaning in
The dramas of the actor Pauly Shore—
The nation’s jester: a most dull fool he,
And none but libertines delight in him.
She sits down in her classroom. Enter MASTER WENDELL
HALL and various STUDENTS including DIONNE, TAI, MURRAY,
ELTON, and AMBER. Enter CHRISTIAN with a flourish.
[Aside:] By all that’s marvelous, a handsome lad!
HALL
[to Christian:] Thou, then, art the el
usive Christian, yea?
CHRISTIAN
Most happily shall I assume my seat,
If thou shalt tell me whither I am bound.
HALL
One seat, third back, beyond where Cher doth sit.
CHER
[aside:] Though I should find a newfound mate for Tai,
What is thy harm in searching for myself?
Lads are in surplus far above demand.
[She intentionally knocks a quill from her desk.
CHRISTIAN
[aside:] A chick doth signal me by feather shed.
Perchance she’ll help me climb the pecking order.
[He picks up the quill.
[To Cher:] Thy legs are wondrous long and passing smooth.
CHER
My thanks—thy gaze is long, thy words are smooth.
HALL
Cher?
CHER
—Present.
HALL
—Yea, so ’twas establishèd
When first I took th’attendance of the class.
’Tis time, now, for thine oral.
CHER
—Pardon me?
HALL
Thine oral on a theme original—
Thou chosest violence in the media.
CHER
Of course!
[She walks to the front of the classroom.
HALL
[aside:] —What did she think I meant by oral?
Indeed, what did ye think, O audience?
CHER
Behold: th’attorney general doth say
Too much of violence doth appear within
Our stages, halls, and entertainment venues.
I do agree, and tell ye it must stop.
Yet e’en if ev’ry violent show were stopp’d,
Would there not be reports of cruelty,
Oppression, murder, and injustices?
Until humanity so peaceful grows
That violence hath no part in daily life,
Why should it from our entertainment flee?
Is not our art reflection of our lives,
Or was it th’other way around? Ah, well,
Whatever ’tis, ye have heard mine opinion.
My thanks for your attention and respect.
[All applaud.
HALL
Hath anyone a comment? Elton, thou?
ELTON
My foot is sore. May I unto the nurse?
HALL
Thou, Travis? Any comment on Cher’s speech?
TRAVIS
Two thumbs enthusiastic’lly rais’d—
Fine holiday fun for the fam’ly.
AMBER
Art serious? Was’t I alone who heard
The words that pour’d forth from Cher’s bumbling lips?
Methought her speech gave off a horrid stench,
As if a rotting corpse had crawl’d inside
Her mind, releasing odors from her mouth.
CHER
Mayhap the smell thy nose hath lately smell’d
Was that of thine own faux-designer perfume.
[The bell rings. All exeunt except Cher, Amber, and Christian.
CHRISTIAN
[to Cher:] Thy speech did hit the mark—a perfect hit.
[Exeunt Cher and Christian.
AMBER
In sooth, she always hath the final word,
Although she is a shallow, stupid girl.
Humiliating me is her vocation,
And always doth she have the upper hand.
Though I would ne’er admit to such a thought,
How I do wish I could be more like Cher.
She is ador’d by all whom she encounters,
Belovèd of both teachers and our peers,
With wealth enow to comfortable be,
And garments in the latest, highest style.
She calls me a pretender, for I am—
Not popular or treasur’d like she is,
Adorn’d in clothing that doth fashion ape.
Forgive me, for I never shall be Cher,
Mere Amber, lacking love and full of care.
[Exit.
Bronson Alcott High School and the Horowitz house.
Enter CHER. Enter CHRISTIAN severally, watching her from afar.
CHER
[aside:] The past few days were spent in careful schemes,
Performing those deeds any lass would do:
Adoring letters sent I to myself,
And open’d them with glee in Christian’s sight.
Bouquets of flowers did arrive for me,
Which came from no fond suitor but myself.
A box of choc’lates came, which I did share
With students in my class, and Christian, too—
Whatever can be done to draw attention
Unto one’s mouth is strategy well play’d.
My ploy was perfect, cunning in the height,
For by it I appear’d much in demand,
Desir’d by ev’ryone throughout the school—
If, by some chance, the lad did not yet know.
Occasionally, I would doff my vest
To show the alabaster skin beneath,
Thereby announcing, like a prancing bird,
My willingness to find a fitting mate.
This tactic makes lads think of nakedness,
Which doth excite the humors terribly
And calls to mind the act of sex itself.
CHRISTIAN
[approaching:] Good morning, duchess.
CHER
—Yea? Dost thou mean me?
CHRISTIAN
Hast thou some weekend plans for merriment?
Belike thou plann’st a ration of a’rashin’?
CHER
What?
CHRISTIAN
—I am new here, yet methought thou might
Know where the best of parties shall be held,
Where clams are bak’d with perfect sauce atop
And kids are bak’d in saucy, clammy tops.
CHER
My ex-stepbrother’s friends do plan a fest.
Thou mayst go with me, if it pleaseth thee.
CHRISTIAN
I would; it shall. ’Tis settl’d—we’ve a date.
[Exit Christian. Cher walks to her house.
CHER
My afternoon I’ll spend in preparation
To go with Christian to the gathering.
My pretty, new white gown I’ll wear tonight,
Which shall turn Christian’s eyes and heart to me.
[She changes clothes.
Meanwhile, my father hath an urgent case
That needeth his attention right away.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ, JOSH, and various CLERKS, working.
Our house becomes a rowdy lawyers’ den,
With clerks and Josh assisting his pursuit.
Through some gazillion depositions they
Are reading, thus to learn how they may win.
[A bell rings.
[To Mel:] I prithee Father, open thou the door!
’Twill not be me to answer—he must wait!
’Twas ever thus when suitors come to call.
MEL
He, then, shall wait outside. I’ll answer not.
CHER
Josh, prithee, wilt thou welcome Christian in?
Delay no longer, please—I beg of thee!
[Exit Cher in haste.
JOSH
[aside:] Her whining would make angels grind their teeth—
It pierceth silence like a needle’s point.
To quiet her is worth the few steps’ journey.
JOSH opens the door of the house.
Enter CHRISTIAN with a flourish.
CHRISTIAN
What is the hap?
[Josh removes Christian’s hat and hands it to him.
JOSH
—She is not yet prepar’d.
CHRISTIAN
[to Mel:] Ho, man. This pile of bricks thou hast is nice—
Thou must be wealthy, or just fortunate.
MEL
Art thou a drinking man?
CHRISTIAN
—Nay, I am well.
Thine offer, though, is truly generous.
MEL
’Twas not an offer for a spirit, lout—
I merely ask if thou drink’st alcohol.
Think’st thou I would give liquor to a teen
Who soon shall drive my daughter in his carriage?
I’d rather place my foot upon a stump
And hack it off withal a dull-edg’d axe.
CHRISTIAN
I do receive thy most protective vibe—
Thou givest me a shovel, and I dig.
MEL
What is the matter? What doth ail thee, lad?
Thy manner shows no marks of sanity.
Perhaps thou dost imagine that the death
Of Sammy Davis left an opening
Within the Rat Pack’s ranks, and thou art bound
T’audition for his place? It is not so—
Thy look, thy style, thine attitude doth reek
Of all that holds ye younger people back.
Thou art the very emblem of disgrace,
Exemplar of a nation’s disappointment.
Enter CHER, dressed finely.
JOSH
[aside:] O beauty, did I know thy name e’er now?
CHER
Good even, Christian.
CHRISTIAN
—Dollface, look at thee!
CHER
Thou art as handsome as the day is long.
[They kiss cheeks.
CHRISTIAN
Ne’er was there artist who could capture thee,
No sculptor who could cast thy perfect frame,
Ne’er a composer who could sing thy notes,
No writer who, with words, could thee describe.
Thou stunning art, past human comprehension.
JOSH
[aside, to Mel:] Shalt thou let her go yonder, so array’d,
As if her name were Eve, her gown a fig leaf?
MEL
Cher, come thou hither presently, I pray.
CHER
What is it, Father?
MEL
—Say, by heav’n or hell,
What is that cloth—or lack thereof—thou wear’st?
CHER
’Tis but a dress.
MEL
—O? As defin’d by whom?
CHER
The dictionary writ by Calvin Klein.
MEL
Mayhap ’tis underwear; ’tis not a gown.
